Prelude here: https://brendansversus.wordpress.com/2020/06/07/prelude-wario-vs-halekulani/
Alright, the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all! It’s time for a Death Battle!
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It was a hot summer day in the bustling metropolis known as Diamond City. The Sun was mercilessly beating down on everyone’s necks, and it seemed to be growing hotter with each second that passed. Despite the blazing heat, everyone was trying to find some way to fight it, though they all had their own way of doing it. Some had decided to make the best of the situation and headed to the beach, while others cooled off by going to one of the city’s many ice cream stores. Some of the more introverted denizens took the heat as a sign and decided to stay in the comforts of their own homes, enjoying the cool air of the A/C. One such example could be seen from some distance away, currently residing in a white house that sported orange roofing and a massive blue W attached to its chimney.
If one were to peer inside of this house, they would’ve been treated to a rather disgusting sight. An old-fashioned TV sat against the wooden floor, blaring audio of multiple stations as its impatient viewer rapidly surfed through channels. The floor was littered with plastic TV dinner trays, old candy wrappers, several dozen empty soda bottles, and even small scraps of garlic were strewn across the room, all of them forming into mountains of debris. A single red sofa sat in the middle of this pigsty, and sprawled across it was the man responsible for this mess.
To say that this man was overweight would’ve been a massive understatement. His stomach alone resembled a balloon filled with cement, and his stubby legs made it a miracle he was even able to walk at all. Not helping matters was his face, which sported a bulbous pink nose that sat atop a large, black zigzagging mustache. If one wasn’t repulsed by this man’s facial appearance, they would have noticed that he was dressed in a yellow undershirt and purple overalls. Despite his pudgy frame rendering it almost impossible, his feet were covered by a pair of pointed green shoes. The most notable aspects of his attire, however, could be seen with his gloves and hat, both of which were adorned with a blue W in their middles. This was Wario, head of the company Warioware, and he was currently searching for something, anything, that would let him pass the time.
As he lay on the sofa, absentmindedly picking his nose, the greedy antihero began slowly looking off to the side, barely paying any attention to what was on the TV. This would soon change, however, as a commercial soon caught his eye.
”Are you looking for a way to escape the summer heat?” The narrator asked excitedly. At hearing this, Wario’s eyes lit up as he pushed himself upright. “Do you need something that will kill time while also giving you a mini vacation away from home?” The overweight Italian nodded. It was almost like this commercial was speaking directly to him! “Then come spend your money at Hallelujah Land! We’ve got all sorts of attractions: discover the mysteries of the universe in Space World, regain some of your lost youth in the Small Child Zone, or witness the Dasaiger fight against their arch-nemesis, Evil Hands, in ‘Hero Show: Fashion Squadron Dasaiger,’ the stage play that’s proven popular with both children and adults alike!”
”But where do I find-a this place?” Wario asked as he grabbed hold of the TV, violently shaking it in an attempt to get an answer out of it.
“And if you’re wondering ‘But wait, Narrator, you haven’t told us where Hallelujah Land is,’ well I’ll tell you right now! You can find it at-“
As the commercial’s narrator explained where the park could be found, Wario leapt to his feet and ran toward the garage, his speed far beyond what one would’ve expected given his frame. Unfortunately, in his haste he had left right before the narrator closed the commercial with the following message, spoken in an incredibly fast tone:
“Hallelujah Land is not responsible for any injuries incurred or profits lost. By entering Hallelujah Land you automatically agree to our clause that we have the right to deny potential customers any refunds regardless of their legitimacy.”
As the commercial ended, Wario hopped into his car, which appeared to be a purple Cadillac sporting a stick of his mustache on its hood. With a twist of the ignition switch, the engine roared to life and the car itself began to peel out at top speed. It was moving well beyond the legal limit of any state, and Wario himself seemed to be making it a goal to drive as recklessly as possible! Cars swerved out of the way, horns blared at him in annoyance, and multiple red lights were run, but the treasure hunter paid it no mind. To him, all that mattered was making his way to that park. Given how that commercial had looked, it was safe to say he had finally found something to pass the time, at least for a little bit.
Several minutes later
”WHAT?!” Wario screamed, his tone a mixture of rage and astonishment. “What do you mean, $20? Who the heck would pay that much for a stupid slice of pizza!”
”Look, tubby. I’m not the one who makes the prices here. Besides, it’s not like you need any more with how much lard you’re packing! If you wanna complain about our prices, you should take it up with the boss.” The disgruntled pizza vendor snapped.
“The boss?” Wario repeated.
”Yeah, he’s right over there.” The man responded, pointing to a building some distance away. Wario looked toward the finger’s direction, and he found himself staring at a massive castle some distance away. “But good luck trying to convince him. I’m pretty sure he’s just gonna kick your ass. He’s still pretty sore about what happened with the last guy that entered the castle.”
”Well, he’s gonna have to deal with it! Nobody rips off Wario and gets away with it! Only I get to pull that kinda stunt on these schmucks!” With this declaration, the microgame designer prepared to run off at top speed, but he stopped in place at the last second. A sudden gust of wind hit the vendor in the face, and his apathetic expression shifted to one of shock at what he was seeing!
”Hey, you have to pay for that!” The man pointed out in annoyance as he watched Wario swallow the entire slice in one bite. The yellow-clad plumber let out a loud burp before turning to the vendor and giving a cheeky grin. Before he could raise any more complaints, however, Wario had already taken off, making a b-line straight for the castle.
Meanwhile, inside of the Money Castle, one man sat in the middle of its main room. Velvet curtains were draped around the room, and hundreds of dollar bills floated through the air. Sitting atop a golden throne was a tall man with spiky green hair. He wore a breastplate, thick braces around his wrists, and armored boots; all of which were gold. Beneath this set of armor lay black spandex that covered most of his body. This was Halekulani, the manager of Hallelujah Land, and he was currently watching his profits grow at an intense rate. With each second that passed, another several thousand dollars or gold coins would enter Halekulani’s profits, and to say that this pleased him would be an understatement.
’Good! Just a few more minutes and I’ll have recovered from what Bobobo and the rest of those idiots did to my reputation. It’s been a long time coming, but soon I’ll finally be back to my usual stability!’ A smirk appeared on the park manager’s face, though his thoughts were soon cut off by a loud CRASH as something barreled through the left of one of his castle’s walls. The sight of this caused Halekulani to raise an eyebrow in intrigue. As the dust began to clear up, Wario could be seen, an annoyed frown on his face as he looked the armored businessman in the eye.
“So you’re the boss of this place, huh?” the intruder asked.
“You’d be correct, mister…” Halekulani responded.
“Wario.”
”Wario.” He finished. “Though I should ask why you’ve decided to come here, of all places. If you’re here to complain about my prices, you should know that by entering Hallelujah Land you automatically forfeited the rights to any refunds.”
“And where’s it say that, bub? I didn’t see any rules like that when I got here!”
”Well, if you watched our commercial-“
”I did.” Wario snapped.
”Then tell me,” Hale paused as a projection screen came down from the sky, “do you remember this part of the commercial?”
The commercial played again, displaying the same enticing images and giving the same descriptions as before. When it came to the end, however, Wario could hear the narrator’s voice once again:
“HallelujahLandisnotresponsibleforanyinjuriesincurredorprofitslost.Byentering HallelujahLandyouautomaticallyagreetoourclausethatwehavetherighttodenypotentialcustomersanyrefundsregardlessoftheirlegitimacy.”
Though the rapid-fire speaking left him somewhat confused, Wario understood the basic gist of the message. This guy had duped him! The entire park was nothing but an overpriced sham! Admittedly, this was no different than something he would’ve pulled off, but it still angered him nonetheless!
“Now, if you have no further complaints, I must ask you to leave. I have more important matters to attend to than listening to a moron who couldn’t read the fine print!” Halekulani said sternly.
”Honestly, you’re the only moron I see around here! Do you really think I’m just gonna walk away without tryin’ to take my money back? Nah!” In tandem with this, Wario cracked both of his knuckles before continuing. “I don’t care what it takes, I’m-a gonna get that refund, and then maybe I’ll go for your park, too!”
”If you really think I’ll let you take over Hallelujah Land so easily, then you’re sadly mistaken!” Hale declared. “I’d sooner die than hand over control of my profits to a fat oaf like you!”
”You’d rather die, huh?” Wario chuckled. “Alright, I can arrange that!”
With that, the overweight Italian began running toward Halekulani, who responded with an amused smirk as he remained stationary in his throne.
Before Halekulani could even have a chance to register his opponent’s speed, he found himself launched out of his throne and into the air by a powerful shoulder tackle. The impact caused him to cough up several flecks of blood as he continued ascending through the air. He felt like he’d just been hit by a bulldozer! But what could have caused this much pain? It couldn’t have been that morbidly obese fool, could it?
He would soon get his answer as said fool suddenly appeared in front of him, having started to rapidly spin in place as he flew after Halekulani. The moment he made contact, Halekulani found himself launched through the air once again, his speed even more dangerous than it was before! The thought of regaining control of his flight path briefly crossed his mind, but before he could enact this plan-
CRUNCH!
He slammed back-first into one of his castle’s banisters, causing him to grunt in pain as he involuntarily coughed up blood. The moment he made contact with the railing, a small tremor seemed to erupt throughout the castle, freeing him from his unintentional prison and sending him back to the ground. Though he was still in pain from his landing, the Hair Hunter proved quick to reposition himself, making it so that he landed on the ground with a loud THOOM as a crater appeared beneath his feet. The moment he landed, Hale noticed blood dripping from his lip and quickly wiped it off.
“Well, I’ll admit you’re stronger than I thought, Wario. Very few have actually managed to make me bleed from a hit like that.” He complimented.
“Heh, heh. Thanks for the compliment, goldie. So, do you wanna see some more of this impressive strength of mine,” Wario paused to flex his surprisingly muscular arms, “or would ya rather just spare yourself the embarrassment and pay me back my money?”
“If you want your money back so badly, then be my guest.” Hale responded, his eyes lighting up for a brief moment as a panel suddenly opened from beneath the overweight plumber. Confusion spread on Wario’s face as he looked around, unsure of what to expect. He briefly tapped his foot against the floor impatiently, only for his confusion to grow as he instead felt his foot hit thin air. Looking down, his eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as he began to realize that he was now standing on thin air. Unfortunately for Wario, it would be in this same moment that gravity chose to return, sending him crashing into a pool beneath him. He hit the surface back-first, causing a surplus of dollars to begin flying through the air…
Wait, dollars?
Upon seeing the money descending through the air, Wario proved quick to grab hold of the several fives and twenties in front of him. He quickly jumped through the air, put his newfound cash in his nonexistent pockets, and landed on the ground with a loud THUD! This impact caused more money to begin rising through the air, and Wario made sure to collect all of it! Opening his mouth, the greedy anti-hero then inhaled as hard as he could! In tandem with this, a funnel of sorts began to appear in front of Wario’s mouth, greedily sucking the airborne money into his gaping maw. The suction only seemed to be growing stronger with each second that passed, sucking in more of Halekulani’s profit and converting it to Wario’s own!
Speaking of which, Halekulani was walking toward the pool, intent on seeing what had happened to Wario. He expected to see that the pudgy businessman had been converted into another coin, but his expression soon contorted into one of surprise at what was happening instead. Sitting in the middle of a mostly empty pool was Wario, who had only just finished sucking up the last of the surrounding profits.
”What did you just do?” Hale asked furiously. Upon hearing the sound of his opponent’s voice, the plumber turned to him and grinned.
“Just taking your suggestion to get some of my money back. Thanks for that, by the way.” Wario responded as he leapt through the air and crashed back onto the surface. The moment he landed, another tremor leveled the entire castle, causing Halekulani to briefly stumble back in surprise. Once he’d regained his balance, the Hair Hunter looked back at Wario and began chuckling.
“I’ll admit I didn’t expect you to escape my money pit like that.” He confessed as a grin began to spread on his face. “You’re pretty interesting! Maybe I’ll even start to use my Gorgeous Shinken seriously!”
“Gorgeous Shinken?” Wario asked, tilting his head in confusion.
“Yes!” Hale responded, his grin growing in size. “I created the Gorgeous Shinken specifically to compliment my iron grip over my money. All of its techniques, and all of its powers, are founded solely on money!” His eyes lit up as he raised his hands, and in tandem with this, several hundred gems began to ascend through through the air.
“In fact, let me show you its power firsthand! Golden Shinken Ougi…” he paused for a moment before thrusting his arms forward and letting out a shout of “Falling Jewels!”
Once the name of the technique had escaped his lips, the jewels shot toward Wario at hypersonic speeds. As he watched the gems approach, Wario’s only response was to reach into his overalls and pull out a red, white, and yellow flower with eyes. Crushing it in his hands, Wario’s appearance suddenly changed. His undershirt and hat faded to a bright white, while his overalls turned a bright yellow.
With Fire Wario now activated, the overweight businessman looked back to at the approaching jewels and quickly responded. Keeping his hands open, Wario summoned a fireball in each hand and quickly threw out a rapid barrage. Wario’s arms were moving so quickly that they couldn’t even be seen, but even an outsider like Halekulani could see the results of this speed. With each inch that Wario moved, another fireball would shoot across the room! The frontmost rows of Hale’s Falling Jewels were shot out of the air and sent clattering to the ground, while the other rows were quickly following suit. Seeing this, as well as the supposedly unending stream of projectiles approaching him, Hale proved quick to raise his arms in defense. Unfortunately for the Hair Hunter, while he was successfully defending against each one, he was still feeling the effects of each ball. Every time one hit him, the same burning pain would shoot through Halekulani’s body, in addition to pushing him back ever so slightly.
But even with the constant pain he was experiencing, the theme park’s manager was managing to pull through. Using his control over money, Halekulani forced several thousand bills and coins to begin pooling behind himself, forming it into one big pile. Even though he noticed this, Wario proved quick to push it aside. With what this green-haired loser had done before, he was probably just going to create some kinda barrier around himself.
Although he was initially confident in this assessment, the pyrokinetic miser’s attitude was slowly beginning to slip away as the ever-growing pile took on a new form. It started to grow more slender, and two massive extensions began to form from this “body.” A head soon began to form, with a pair of massive red eyes and a beak formed from hundreds of gold bars. The two extensions began to solidify, taking on the shape of wings. This construct then opened its beak and, despite lacking any vocal chords, let out an ear-piercing screech.
”So how do you feel about this, Wario? The next step in my Gorgeous Shinken’s evolution! Gorgeous Shinken Ougi: Golden Phoenix!” Hale shouted victoriously as the phoenix gave another screech. Upon witnessing the sight of this massive beast, Wario’s eyes shrank in fear as a small squeaking sound emerged from his backside, causing his Fire Flower form to dissipate.
The phoenix continued its screeching as it suddenly swooped down, its beak open and fully prepared to catch its pudgy prey in its gullet. Seeing this, Wario did the only sensible thing he could in this situation-
“WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
He ran like a little bitch.
Wario booked it as fast as he could, his entire frame sweating and jiggling like a cup of lard-filled Jell-O. He was panting heavily with each step he took, but he forced himself to keep going. There was no way he’d let that dumb money bird get him!
“SCREEEEEEEEE!”
’That-a sounds a lot closer than I thought.’ Wario noted as he looked over his shoulder. A terrified scream emerged from his throat as he noticed the phoenix was growing dangerously close to his current position. He prepared to pick up the pace, but this decision would ultimately be cut short as the phoenix descended onto him with a loud CRASH!
An explosion of dollars and coins began to spread across the area, coating the other half of the room in a sea of money. The sea then began to shift and morph back into its original form, but as it solidified something seemed to bump across its body. First it hit the bird’s stomach, then its neck. A third bump extended out of its head, and it was during this attempt that Wario would shoot out of the reconstructed phoenix, though something was different about him. Now he was wearing a hat of a green dragon with giant nostrils and small wings.
Now wearing the King Dragon Pot, Wario began flying through the air, only coming to a stop once he was near the ceiling. He quickly flipped in midair, positioning himself so that he would land on the surface. Then, using his surprisingly impressive leg strength, he leapt back down toward the phoenix, forcing his hat to open its mouth and spew flames. These twin streaks hit the phoenix head-on, igniting several of the coins and flesh that made up its body. A screech of pain emerged from the bird’s throat, and it was then that Wario saw an opening for his next attack!
Reaching into his overalls once again, this time he pulled out three small items. All of them shared the same appearance, being small, cartoonish bomb with white eyes and stubby orange feet. The moment he removed them, each one seemed to spring to life in Wario’s hand as they let out a bizarre, high-pitched noise.
Realizing he only had one shot to get this right, Wario looked down at the phoenix’s throat for a brief second. Then, once he felt he’d gotten the timing right, Mario’s antithesis threw each of the Bob-ombs one after the other, sending them flying toward the vulnerable construct. Each one flew down its throat, with the phoenix itself seemingly none the wiser. It quickly batted at its face, patting out each of its flames before turning to Wario and giving him a deathly glare.
”What? Do you wanna get some revenge or somethin’? Well, go right ahead, ya overgrown turkey! I’m standing right here!” He bragged, only for his expression to become thoughtful as he put a hand to his chin. “Well, floating, but- BAH! I think you get the point!” He admitted as he waved his hand through the air.
Needless to say, the phoenix certainly did, as it gave another “SCREEEEEEEE” before flying toward Wario at top speed. While doing so, however, three TICKs emerged from its underbelly. Upon hearing this, the money-made construct looked down at its stomach and gave a confused squawk. Fortunately for it, this confusion would prove to be brief, as not even a second later-
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
The Bob-ombs detonated themselves, causing several parts of its to briefly swell before bursting into a combination of money, fire, and smoke. Much like before, however, Wario wasn’t content with the sight of money just floating in front of him so freely, so he opened his mouth once more. This time, the funnel seemed to be even larger than before, almost as if to accommodate for the size of its former opponent! Then, in a sequence that could only be described as the Poltergust on steroids, the Italian-turned-vacuum-cleaner began moving his head from left to right, sucking all money from the surrounding area into his endless maw. Unfortunately, he would soon realize what a mistake this was when he closed his mouth. He couldn’t explain why, but he suddenly felt really… heavy. Realization dawned on the plumber’s face, and as he put two and two together he spoke two words:
”Oh no!”
With the weight of several hundred dollars and coins now added to his body, Wario began falling through the air, his descent akin to a massive anvil falling from a massive skyscraper. A loud CRASH echoed throughout the castle as Wario’s now obese form slammed into the floor, cracking dozens of surrounding tile beneath him. As he struggled to get up, panting heavily in the process, Wario could hear Halekulani chuckling to himself.
“Well, it looks like you’ve certainly packed on a few pounds.” The theme park manager taunted as a smirk spread across his face. “Maybe you’d like some assistance in shedding it?”
”Not… interested. I can… fix this… myself!” Wario admitted between breaths.
”Oh, please!” Hale admitted as he reached into his armor and pulled out several coins. “I insist!”
He then flicked each of these coins all at once, sending them flying through the air, and it was then that something odd happened. Wario’s fattened jaw dropped in surprise as he watched each of the figures leap from their confines, all of them armed with swords. These knights ran toward Wario at top speed, and while he tried his hardest to run, the battalion quickly caught up to him. Each one swung their sword, intent on skewering the fattened businessman like a pig! As he watched the blades approach his stomach, Wario closed his eyes and prepared himself for the inevitable collision. The swords sank into his flesh-
BOING!
Only to suddenly be repelled by an equal, if not superior force. Upon seeing this, the knights stared at each other in confusion, all of them trying to figure out what had just happened. Out of curiosity, one of them thrust his sword once again, only to meet the same effect. Upon realizing that he hadn’t been reduced to a pincushion, Wario opened his eyes and gave a devious grin. Noticing this, a fearful expression began to appear on their faces as they realized what a horrible mistake they had just made. Before they could rectify this by running, Wario grabbed hold of the two closest ones and leapt through the air. This ascent would only last for a second, however, as the obese game designer quickly hit the ground stomach-first, producing a massive earthquake. These tremors spread throughout the entire arena, with even the remaining knight and Halekulani stumbling back and falling onto their backs.
’Well, it seems he’s a bit more of a challenge than I thought.’ Hale thought to himself as he watched Wario crush his knights completely flat. Despite his fattened arms, the plumber was somehow managing to crush two of them into a ball. He then raised this ball to the side, shifting into a pitching stance as he stared the remaining knight. The last one looked at the fattened Wario in terror as its attacker gave it a malicious grin. Then, using his years of sports experience to his advantage, Wario proceeded to chuck the crumpled-up ball as hard as he could! It flew toward the remaining survivor at hypersonic speeds, with said victim pulling a shield out of nowhere and desperately raising it in an attempt to defend himself. The now shaking knight braced himself, and then-
CRUNCH!
The upper half of his body was crushed under his former comrades’ combined weight. As he watched this, Wario began to feel his body grow drastically lighter, almost as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders, which he soon realized to be the case as he looked himself over. Thanks to exerting himself, he had managed to shed the weight of his Fat Wario form, reverting him back to the (admittedly still overweight) normal Wario. With this knowledge in mind, he took a moment to perform a celebratory flex, but it was at this same time that the sound of clapping filled his ears. Turning around, he found himself staring at Halekulani, whose expression remained calm despite what he had just seen.
”I’ll admit, Wario, I’m rather impressed. Few could survive the attacks from my Gorgeous Shinken, much less counter them in the way you did.” Once he’d finished speaking, Hale ceased clapping as his expression started to contort, going from calm and serene to a manic grin. “So as a way of rewarding you, allow me to unveil my ultimate technique!”
He paused for a moment to cross his arms over his chest, causing a bright green aura to begin building up around himself. Once this energy had hit its peak, he suddenly threw his arms outward, letting out a shout of:
”GORGEOUS SHINKEN YAMI OUGI: DEATH MONEY SUGOROKU!”
As these words escaped his lips, the energy erupted out from his body, with Wario bracing himself for impact. Instead, much to his surprise, it didn’t come. In fact, the energy seemed to be affecting his surroundings more than it was him! The ceiling and walls were twisting and distorting, their colors morphing into a darkened sky full of gray clouds. The ground was turning into a flat golden color, accented by blue circles that contained black outlines and orange question marks in their middles. From there, various structures rose from underground to accompany this bizarre land. These ranged from Easter Island heads, to skyscrapers, to dinosaurs, to even pyramids! In the middle of this world stood a medieval castle, one that seemed to be placed on some sort of pedestal.
With this new world formed around him, Wario began scanning the area. He took note of the structures, the spaces, and how there seemed to be pathways connected to each one. In other words…
”So your ‘ultimate attack’ is a board game? Eh, I’ve seen worse.” Wario admitted, giving an indifferent shrug.
”That’s correct.” Halekulani responded, though Wario noticed it sounded somewhat distant. Looking toward its direction, he found that the game’s creator was currently sitting on his (miraculously repaired) throne. “If you want to return to the real world, all you have to do is reach the end goal.”
“Sounds fine by me!” Wario said as he grabbed hold of the massive die that lay to his right. “Let’s see what I can-a get!”
With a grunt, he tossed the die into the air. Upon hitting the ground, it rolled for a bit before displaying his number: four. Once he had reached his destination, the question mark faded to reveal a new message: 200,000 yen.
“It seems you’ve stopped on two hundred thousand.” Hale announced. “In that case, I’ll materialize your soul first.”
”Wait, wha-AAAAAAAHHHH!“ Wario’s question evolved into a horrified scream as he watched a white ball emerge from his body. This ball soon stopped in midair and began to take on appearance similar to Wario’s own face.
”And now I’ll add that two hundred thousand yen to your soul!” The green-haired gamemaster announced as he extended his hand outward. In tandem with this action, the appropriate amount of bills shot out from the specter’s form, and it was then Wario felt something odd on his nose. Believing it to only be a mild itch, he attempted to scratch it, but a peculiar sound emerged when he tried. Confused by this, he tried scratching a bit harder, but this met the same result. As his opponent’s bewilderment grew, Halekulani decided to explain.
“Whenever I take money from your soul, your body feels its effects. If you don’t make it to the end before a certain number of turns, your body will turn to diamond. If that happens, you’ll automatically lose the game!”
“Well, there’s no way I’m-a gonna let that happen!” Wario declared as he threw the die again, this time hitting a five. Once he’d landed on the appropriate space, the Italian antihero noticed the words BONUS STAGE written underneath his feet. “A bonus? Alright! What am I gonna win?”
He would soon get his answer as Halekulani descended from his throne, landing a few feet away from the game designer.
“Congratulations, you who’ve stopped on the bonus stage! The rules say you’ll receive a present from me.”
”A present, huh?” Wario asked suspiciously. “What kind of present?”
”Death.” Hale said flatly as he took a martial arts stance, summoning several bills in front of himself. These bills flew toward Wario, who responded by turning his back to his attacker. Then, something odd happened: he bent over and stuck his ass out toward Hale. A grunt emerged from Wario’s throat as he visibly strained himself, which was then followed by a low, guttural sound.
BBBBBRRRRRPPPPPPPTTTT!
An almost visible cloud of green gas emerged from Wario’s exposed rear, with the fart actually being strong enough to blow the money and even Halekulani himself back. The smell entered the Hair Hunter’s nose almost immediately, causing him to reel back in disgust as he tried to fan it away. With his opponent now distracted, Mario’s rival chose to run toward the die once again.
”Come on! New roll! New roll!” He said desperately as he tossed the die against the ground, this time producing a three. The moment he saw this result, Wario took off toward the space, landing just as Hale had recovered from his nasal assault. Once his eyes had adjusted and his vision had returned to him, the Heavenly King noticed his adversary’s current position and grinned.
”And there goes another fifty thousand from your soul!” He declared gleefully as the dollars drained from Wario’s soul once again. This time, the diamond infection began to appear on Wario’s forearms and stomach, causing his eyes to widen in shock.
”So no matter what I do, I’m still in danger of losin’ my soul, right?” He asked.
”You’re right on the money!” Hale responded, giving a smirk as he teleported back to his throne, which now contained the money from Wario’s soul. “Think of my Death Money Sugoroku as a race against the clock. Every time you throw that die, you lose more of your soul and run the risk of losing the game.”
”Well, that’s a pretty stupid concept for a game! It doesn’t even sound like it’d pass as one of my microgames!” Wario snapped, only for his expression to shift as he began thinking. “Wait, are there any rules saying I need to use that die for the game?”
“No. You can use whatever you’d like, just as long as it lets you progress through the game.” Hale explained.
”Good to know.” Wario responded, flashing a grin as his body became covered in a flash of bluish-gray light. Once it faded, the greedy Italian could be seen once again, now wearing a pair of goggles and a red beret. A paintbrush and an easel currently lay in his hands. After dabbing the brush in some paint, the plumber-turned-painter pointed his brush forward. An easel suddenly materialized in midair, and it was then that Artsy Wario went to town! He was making rapid strokes across the board, mixing the easel’s primary colors to form new ones, and then using these new shades to improve his creation. As he watched this from where he sat, Halekulani raised his eyebrow in confusion. Just what was he planning?
”Oh yeah! That’s-a good one! Just a bit here, and…” Wario made a small stroke across the canvas, and once he had finished his creation suddenly appeared out of thin air. After all of that devotion, all of that time, he had created… a door?
‘A door?’ Hale asked, echoing the narrator’s own confusion. ‘What good does he think a door will do?’
He would soon get his answer as Wario entered through the door, with both the creation and its master vanishing into a puff of smoke. The obese cheater reappeared almost immediately, having made his way to the space labeled “GOAL.”
”Heeheeheehee… Ehehehehehe… WAHAHAHAHAHA!” Wario’s uproarious laughter echoed across the land as he closed his eyes and began celebrating. It took some time, but he had done it! He had finally beaten this stupid game! The head of WarioWare continued laughing as he opened his eyes, but once he did his laughter died in his throat.
”Eh? What’s going on? Why isn’t everything goin’ back to normal?” Wario asked, his jubilation turning into sheer, unbridled confusion. He’d reached the goal, hadn’t he? That green guy said he’d return him to the real world once he reached the end, so why wasn’t everything going back to normal?
After looking around the space for a bit, he found his answer. Laying to his right was a sign that read “AND CONTINUE TO PART 2.”
”Part… two?” Wario asked, almost like he couldn’t comprehend what he was reading. “Part… two?” He repeated irritably.
Steam began to emerge from Wario’s ears as his skin began turning a bright shade of red. Then, as this anger hit its peak, the obese Italian let out an enraged scream as he began violently stomping on the ground. He then appeared some distance away, repeatedly pounding his fists against the ground like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Tears began streaming out of his eyes as he screamed out “Why? WHY?!” He then teleported away once again, this time delivering a powerful headbutt that pulverized one of the Easter Island heads to dust. Another teleport, with the enraged miser this time grabbing hold of the die and chucking it as hard as he possibly could. It sailed toward Halekulani at speeds faster than the eye could track, and when it made contact-
BONK!
It bounced off harmlessly, almost as if he’d been hit with a dodgeball rather than a blunt object. As he saw this, Wario snapped out of his rage and looked at the Heavenly King in confusion.
”What the heck was that?”
“Oh, did I forget to mention?” Hale asked in amusement. “Anyone who participates in the game is unable to add in their attack on myself, the game master.” Looking toward Wario’s soul, he then extended his hand outward. “And as penance, you’ll be paying six-hundred million yen!”
The bills shot out from Wario’s body once again, furthering the pile around Halekulani’s throne. As he watched this, Mario’s antithesis gnashed his teeth angrily. There was no way he was going to participate in this game anymore! Especially not when it had crappy rules like that!
”Alright, so maybe I can’t-a hit you…” he admitted through grit teeth. He paused for a brief moment as he placed his hand into his overalls and pulled out… a bike pump? Halekulani raised an eyebrow in confusion.
”But that doesn’t mean I can’t destroy your stupid game board to spite you!” Wario finished as he placed the pump’s head into his mouth and repeatedly pressed against it. With each pump, Wario seemed to grow in height by several feet, and the rapidness was only making him grow further and further. By the tenth pump, Halekulani found himself staring up in bemusement at Wario, who looked down at the game master and gave a deep laugh that echoed throughout the entire board. The now skyscraper-sized plumber then began running around the area at top speed, taking time to deliberately destroy anything in his way. Cities, Easter Island heads, pagodas, it didn’t matter what stood in Wario’s way. The moment it entered his line of sight, the obese giant would crush it underfoot before throwing a Bob-omb at its remains as he moved on to the next one. An orchestra of explosions and earthshaking footsteps echoed throughout the Death Money Sugoroku, with the game’s creator only being able to look on in a combination of horror and shock at what was occurring.
’What’s going on here? This shouldn’t be possible!’ Hale thought defiantly as he witnessed the hundreds of smoking craters adorning his land. ‘No one should be able to destroy my Death Money Sugoroku so easily! Especially not some morbidly obese fool!’
Yet despite his constant denial, all the Heavenly King could do was continue watching as Wario laid waste to his pride and joy. As he continued watching this event unfold, Hale clenched his fist in ever-increasing anger. Once this anger had hit its tipping point, courtesy of Wario deciding to go the extra mile by flipping him off as he continued the destruction, Halekulani decided that enough was, well…
”ENOUGH!” He screamed as he stood up from his throne, throwing his arms out in an X-shape to emphasize his seriousness. Despite their drastic size difference, Wario was still able to hear him, and he turned to face the Hair Hunter with a cheeky grin.
”I take too much pride in my Death Money Sugoroku to let some fat eyesore like you disgrace it! If you’re going to insult my ultimate attack with your petty antics, then I’ll-“
Whatever Hale’s threat was going to be died in his throat as Wario slammed into him with a downward punch that sent him into the ground. As the dust cleared, Hale could be seen, slowly lifting himself out of the crater that had formed beneath his body. Once he had fully lifted himself up, the theme park owner involuntarily lurched over and vomited up blood.
THOOM! THOOM! THOOM!
Three deafening steps echoed across the terrain as a familiar shadow began to loom over Halekulani’s beaten form. Looking up, the green-haired miser found himself staring up at the massive purple orb that was Wario’s stomach.
”Ehehehehe… Looks like someone’s losin’ their touch!” Wario taunted. “I thought that hit would’ve added some more diamond onto me, but looks like I just found a way to get past that rule o’ yours!”
Hearing this caused Halekulani to grit his teeth in fury. Not only was he having to deal with the humiliation of his ultimate attack turned against him, but he also had to listen to this idiot mock him for that!? No! No! He could handle many things, but that was where he drew the line!
A low growl began to build up in Hale’s throat, only for it to suddenly crescendo as he threw back his head and let loose a roar of pure, unbridled fury! This scream echoed throughout the entire board as all of the money he had collected shot toward the green-haired miser, surrounding him in a massive tornado of paper bills. The winds picked up in intensity, spinning faster and faster with each passing second. Wario briefly thought to absorb the stolen cash back into his wallet, but before he could do so, the tornado of money suddenly exploded outward in a massive burst of green energy! This explosion grew in size with each millisecond that passed, becoming large enough that it had even managed to push Wario back several feet. Despite this, the giant plumber kept his feet firmly planted against the ground, refusing to let himself be moved any further by the enormous green dome. After several seconds had passed, the energy dispersed to reveal Halekulani, though he had undergone a drastic change in appearance.
For starters, he had shot up to double his previous height. In fact, he was now tall enough that he faced Wario’s stomach at eye-level. His hair had also transformed, having grown to double its length and even managing to become spikier than before. His armor was now encrusted with various jewels, though the most prominent changes came with his new crown of gold and the three bracelets that adorned both of his wrists. He eyes were now a blank white, but he stared at Wario with the bloodthirstiest grin imaginable.
No longer was the plumber fighting Halekulani. Now he was facing off against the Heavenly King’s evolved form, one that could only be brought out through desperation to defeat his opponent: Ultimate Halekulani.
“I’ll give you this, Wario. You’re the second person I’ve fought who’s managed to push me this far! But there’s one difference between him and you.” He paused to raise his arm toward Wario, opening his hand out as he did so. “I highly doubt that you can survive this! Gorgeous Shinken Ougi: 10 Billion Dollar Bazooka!”
As these words escaped his lips, a massive beam comprised of energy and money shot out from the extended palm. It shot toward Wario at blinding speeds, but the rubber-clad miser had the perfect response to the oncoming assault. As the beam seemed set to vaporize him, Wario turned around, bent over, and proceeded to stick his ass out. A grunt of exertion emerged from his throat, and then…
BBBBBRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPTTTTTT!
Much like before, a fart emerged from the plumber’s crack, though this time something was different. As if to answer his opponent’s attack, Wario’s fart had taken the form of a massive beam of green wind. The moment these two blasts had collided, both began struggling for dominance, with both combatants struggling to overpower the other. Hale would pour more energy into his 10 Billion Bazooka, but Wario would respond by exerting his waft even further. It seemed that this stalemate would continue for eternity, but eventually a winner would be decided. Another grunt emerged from Wario’s throat, and with it his attack suddenly expanded outward. The moment this happened, Halekulani found his own attack blown back at him, as well as a foul stench that surrounded his entire body. Even though he was coughing and retching from the smell, the park manager still managed to put a hand over his mouth as he tried to keep his guard up. Given the last time his opponent had done this, it was safe to say that it was likely his attempt at setting up another attack!
Unfortunately, even with the benefit of this knowledge, Halekulani still found himself subjected to a vicious attack as Wario lunged forward, slamming into him with a clothesline. The impact caused Hale to cough up blood as he felt the limb barrel into his torso, but before he could recover, Wario grabbed hold of his head and slammed it against the ground. Before Halekulani could even hope to recover, his captor began running around the board at top speed, intentionally dragging the transformed manager along for the ride. As the tremors from Wario’s run spread throughout the destroyed board, he took the time to continue applying pressure to his grip. Halekulani’s face continued to scrape against the terrain, tearing away at his skin and producing several bloody scratches. The captive Hair Hunter grit his teeth in anger, desperately trying to place his hands against the ground or raise his knees to push himself back up. This attempt would find itself interrupted, however, as Wario suddenly raised his arm and proceeded to throw the Hair Hunter as hard as he possibly could!
Halekulani screamed in fury as he ascended through the air, his body moving so quickly that a cone of fire had actually surrounded his body! He couldn’t fight back, nor could he actually try to divert his path. All he could do was continue screaming until finally-
SSSSSSSHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPP!
He had actually managed to fly out of the board game and actually tore through the page itself! The moment he saw this, Wario’s expression shifted from being one of arrogance and assured victory to confused bewilderment. Then it began to dawn on him what exactly he had just done: he may have just found a way out of here! A shit-eating grin appeared on Wario’s face as his leg muscles tensed up for a brief moment. Once this moment had passed, the Italian giant shot into the air, producing a crater underneath himself as he flew toward the impromptu exit.
While his opponent was busy exiting the Death Money Sugoroku, Halekulani found himself crashing back-first onto solid ground. As he placed a hand against the floor, the battered manager noticed that it looked completely different. Rather than tan, burn-ridden terrain, he was now resting against purple metal. Looking up, he found himself staring at a familiar, domed orange ceiling. After realizing where he was, Hale began chuckling. Raising his hand into the air, a pedestal suddenly rose from beneath it, with the top sporting a golden lion head and a red button on top. Almost as if by coincidence, the moment this pedestal appeared, Wario himself suddenly appeared out of thin air. Mario’s obese antithesis crashed against the ground, his weight producing a small earthquake as he landed. Despite stumbling back, Halekulani proved quick to secure his position as he gripped the pedestal, using it to balance himself until the quake had passed. Once it had, he let go of the makeshift support and grinned as he slammed his hand against the button. Upon doing so, the ground beneath them seemed to slowly rise into the air, much to Wario’s confusion.
”Eh? What’s goin’ on here? Do you got something else planned here, goldie?” He asked, sounding slightly annoyed as he spoke the last question.
“That’s right.” Hale answered before chuckling once again. “You know, normally I’d be upset in this situation. Not only did you demand a refund from my park, you’ve also made a fool out of me, stolen my money, and ruined my Death Money Sugoroku! But I suppose for now, I should thank you. After all, if it weren’t for you forcing me out of my ultimate attack, I wouldn’t have been able to move the battle here!”
As the last word escaped Halekulani’s lips, the elevator came to a complete stop, revealing their new location. They were currently on Money Castle’s rooftop, and surrounding them was Hallelujah Land, spread out as far as the eye could see. Wario looked around the area before turning back to his opponent.
”So ya moved it to the roof. So what?” Wario asked with a shrug. “All you’re doin’ is giving everyone a front row seat to me kicking your butt and takin’ back what’s mine!”
”Is that so?” Hale asked as he entered the same martial arts stance from before. “Then let’s see how well you can back it up!”
No sooner than these words had left his mouth did Halekulani lunge toward Wario, throwing out a strong right hook that slammed into the plumber’s face. For some reason, the fist itself actually began sinking into his skin, which Hale noticed felt oddly rubbery. Before he could think on this any further, his supposed victim responded with a punch of his own that sent the Heavenly King stumbling back. The yellow-clad plumber then slammed into Hale with a shoulder tackle, actually cracking his armor and making the manager cough up blood. Refusing to give him a chance to recover, Wario quickly slipped on a pair of spiked brass knuckles and threw a straight cross. Blood began to trickle from Halekulani’s nose, but this would prove to be the least of his worries as his opponent continued wailing on him. The hooks, crosses, and uppercuts Halekulani received were being delivered so quickly that he couldn’t even see them. The only signs that they existed came in the form of his damage, which consisted of an increasingly cracked set of armor and his bloodied face. But even with the beating he was currently receiving, Halekulani was still forcing himself to push through!
Just as Wario was about to land a right hook, the green-haired miser instinctively raised his arm to defend. Then, in what can only be described as a stroke of blind luck, Halekulani had managed to parry the oncoming cross. Realizing this, he grabbed hold of the still outstretched arm and pulled it forward, slamming into the giant with a wicked headbutt. Upon reeling his head back, the armored businessman noticed something odd. Wario’s face seemed to have caved in, but before he could think on it any further, it had regenerated back to its normal form.
As anger overtook his mind, Wario threw out a powerful left hook, but this would also be caught as Halekulani brought his hand up. The plumber wouldn’t even have a chance to think of a way to counter before his captor slammed a knee into his stomach. He then repeated this gesture again, planting the knee in even further, but that’s when he noticed something confusing. To test if his theory was correct, Halekulani began grinding his knee in even further. He couldn’t feel any bones, nor did there seem to be any organs where he’d struck. It was almost like Wario’s body had been hollowed-out. He briefly thought back to what Wario had done with that pump. Could that inflation somehow have hollowed him out?
Eager to test this theory, Halekulani released his grip on the head of WarioWare, allowing the fat man to stumble back from the pain. Before the plumber could regain his footing, Hale threw out a donkey kick to the stomach, causing Wario to collapse onto the ground back-first. As his opponent struggled to get back up, Halekulani noticed a tiny white plug, one that seemed connected to the miser’s ass.
‘So that’s what you were hiding.’ He thought to himself as he bent down and grabbed hold of the plug. Then, much like one would do with a scab, he quickly ripped it off!
The moment it was removed, Wario’s body began to shrink in size as the air slowly left his balloon suit. In only a few seconds, the fat businessman had gone from completely towering over his opponent to barely reaching his ankles. As he noticed this, Wario looked back up at Halekulani and flashed him an extremely awkward grin.
“Heh, heh, heh… uh, no hard feelings, right?”
“If you think you’ll earn my mercy with a half-assed apology like that, you’ve clearly grown more desperate than I thought!” The Hair Hunter taunted as he grabbed Mario’s obese rival by the head and hoisted him into the air. Wario began waving his feet through the air in a desperate attempt to escape, but Halekulani interrupted these attempts at freedom by repeatedly driving his fist into his gut. Each time these hits made contact, another grunt would emerge from the plumber’s throat, and his captor spent the time between punches taunting him.
“I’ll give you this, Wario. You’re certainly an unpredictable opponent. If it weren’t for my mastery of Gorgeous Shinken, you might’ve actually been able to beat me!” He then began applying pressure to his grip, creating a series of cracking sounds. “But in the end, you’re weak! TOO WEAK!”
Once these final words had left his throat, Halekulani decided to give the plumber a taste of his own medicine, slamming Wario into the ground and leaving him buried in the metal floor. This would only prove to be a minor setback, however, as the plumber quickly wrenched his arms out of the prison and pushed himself back up.
”Too weak, huh?” Wario sneered. With a chuckle, he reached into his overalls and pulled out a clove of garlic. Remembering what happened the last time his opponent had done this, Halekulani threw his arm out and fired off a quick blast of money. Unfortunately, he proved to be too slow as Wario quickly popped the clove into his mouth and swallowed it whole. As the last bit of garlic slid down his throat, an explosive, yellow fart cloud emerged from his butt. The cloud briefly covered his entire frame, but it soon faded to reveal the fat man’s new form.
Rather than a shirt and overalls, Wario now wore a pink one piece suit dotted with pictures of sentient yellow garlic. Placed in the middle of his stomach was a big, fat, cyan W. His hands and feet were now covered by magenta gloves and boots, while a purple cape billowed behind him. A purple cowl covered the plumber’s face, with a blue W stitched into its forehead. This was Wario-Man, the, er… “heroic” alter ego of WarioWare’s CEO.
In a sudden burst of speed, Wario-Man had closed the distance between them, delivering a powerful left hook that caused Hale to stagger back. He proved quick to recover, however, and threw himself back toward the obese superhero. Once he was close enough, Halekulani threw out a cross. It flew toward Wario at hypersonic speeds, but just before it could make contact the supposed target opened his mouth. Halekulani’s expression shifted from a smug grin to a look of horror as his entire arm entered Wario’s mouth. Before he even had the chance to rectify this mistake, Wario had closed his mouth and bit down. HARD.
CRUNCH!
“GGGGUUUUAAAAAA!” An incomprehensible scream of pain emerged from the Hair Hunter as he felt the hero’s razor-sharp teeth crush the bones in his hand. Although pain flared through his mind, it was quickly replaced by seething rage as Halekulani threw out another punch, this time aiming between Wario-Man’s eyes. The fist slammed into his opponent’s forehead, but Hale noticed that he seemed unaffected. In fact, it was almost like he hadn’t even been hit!
Before he could think on this any further, Halekulani found himself launched through the air as Wario unhinged his jaw. An enraged scream began to form, but it died in his throat as Wario flew after him and delivered a left cross to the chest! A resounding CRACK rang out as Halekulani’s armor shattered like glass, with the golden shards descending to the ground as Wario followed up by delivering a double axe handle. The moment it made contact, Halekulani slammed onto the ground back-first, though he didn’t even realize it at first. He only noticed his new position when he saw that his ultimate attack was now staring him in the face. He blinked, and once his vision had adjusted he noticed a pink blur approaching him at top speed. In response, the head of Hallelujah Land quickly cartwheeled back to his feet, landing just as Wario-Man had slammed into the ground rear-first. The moment the overweight superhero hit the ground, a massive tremor shook the floor panel, causing Halekulani to stumble back.
Refusing to give the Heavenly King a chance to recover, Wario slammed into him once again, but this time something was different. Rather than using a shoulder tackle, the pink-clad superhero had decided to ram into Halekulani with a yellow motorcycle going at over 200 miles per hour! This beast of a hog, the Wario Chopper, struck Halekulani hard enough that he found himself vomiting a copious amount of blood onto its front. Despite the pain he felt from having a wheel grind into his chest, the green-haired manager still mustered up the strength to grab hold of the bike, forcing it to stay in place. Seeing this caused its rider’s expression to tighten in annoyance.
”Hey! No messin’ with my bike, go-OOOOOO-“ Wario-Man’s annoyed complaint morphed into a surprised scream as Halekulani proceeded to lift the Wario Chopper over his head. Then, with the greatest of ease, the Hair Hunter dropped his adversary’s motorcycle on the ground, leaving its rider to roll along the metal ground. As he got back to his feet, Wario grunted in annoyance, but this died in his throat as he noticed something odd. Everything seemed to be a bit darker, almost like a massive cloud was suspended over the entire castle. Confused, he looked up into the sky, and that was when his jaw dropped in shock!
Suspended above the castle by roughly twelve feet was a massive blanket of money. The sight of this money filled Wario with two emotions: shock and admiration. Shock at how much money there was, and admiration at how much had been gathered in one spot.
“I see you’ve finally noticed. Beautiful, isn’t it?” Halekulani called out. Wario, who was still looking intently at the giant pile, nodded half-heartedly. “It’s good to see that there are some out there who enjoy the beauty of money. Tell me, how would you feel if it were to, say… be the cause of your death?”
”Yeah.” Wario said, still mesmerized by the money. As Halekulani’s words registered in his brain, however, the plumber blinked. His expression dropped into one of fear as he begged “WAIT! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”
”Well, if you say so!” Halekulani taunted before looking to the sky.
“RAIN DOWN! GORGEOUS SHINKEN SAISHUU OUGI: ONE HUNDRED TRILLION DOLLAR FINALE!”
As the name of his last-ditch attack rang out across Hallelujah Land, Halekulani released his telekinetic grip on the money, causing the ocean of money to rain down from the heavens! The sight of this left Wario frozen in fear, his body too paralyzed to do anything. At any second now, both he and Halekulani were going to be crushed under 100 million metric tons of money, and there was nothing he could do! He couldn’t run, he couldn’t jump, he couldn’t even try a counter-attack! He was stuck!
GGGGGRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGLLLLLLEEEE!
Or was he?
The sudden growl of his stomach had brought the Italian back to reality. In fact, it had given him a devious idea! You could even call it a… foul plan!
A cocky grin made its way onto Wario’s face as he grabbed hold of his motorcycle. Rather than attempt to ride it, however, he chose to go for a rather unorthodox response. In what could only be described as something out of a cartoon, Wario opened his mouth as wide as he could and swallowed his entire motorcycle in one gulp! Once he had felt it enter his stomach, Wario ran toward Halekulani and quickly leapt over him, creating another tremor as he hit the ground. An annoyed grunt emerged from Hale’s throat as he stumbled, only for a familiar pair of arms to wrap around him.
”What?” He muttered as he attempted to move his arms, but he soon found that he couldn’t for some reason! “What.. the hell… is this?” He asked between grunts. Although he wasn’t aware of it, the Maruhage’s Heavenly King had been placed in a full nelson, leaving him unable to move.
”Let go of me!” He screamed furiously.
”Hmmmm…” Wario muttered as his leg muscles tensed up for a moment. “NAH!”
PPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTT!
The obese superhero then did the unthinkable: he unleashed a massive, almost nuclear fart that shot both himself and his captive into the air! A furious scream emerged from Halekulani’s throat as they flew through the air, which would only stop after they had flown through the storm of money. Once they had passed through the other side, Hale began spitting out the dozens of bills that had entered his throat. After the last of the cash had escaped his throat, he looked over his shoulder to ask Wario an important question:
”What are you trying to do?” He screamed as they continued flying through the air, now ascending past the clouds and into the upper atmosphere!
“What’s it look like, greenie? I’m-a winning this little fight of ours!” Wario declared as they reached the apex of their ascent. Gravity began to take its hold on the two, producing a cone of fire as they began descending toward the surface. Halekulani’s eyes widened in horror as he realized what his opponent was planning, and this terror only grew when Wario wrapped his stubby legs around his waist.
“YOU IDIOT! IF WE FALL FROM THIS HEIGHT WE’RE BOTH GOING TO DIE!” Hale screamed furiously.
”Maybe it’s dangerous for a wimp like you, but you’ve got another thing coming if you think a something like this will put me down! I’ve survived this kinda stuff all the time!” Wario boasted as they descended through the clouds. “In fact, let me tell ya right now, goldie! I’ve tangoed with the worst pirates the world has to offer!”
Hallelujah Land was slowly growing larger as they continued their descent.
”I’ve taken on any losers who got between me and my treasure, and I’ve always come out on top!”
It was now large enough that both men were getting a bird’s eye view of the theme park, allowing them to see all of its rides.
”I’ve fought my way to get to the top, started my own company from nothing, and I’ve got more treasure than your stupid park has combined!”
They soared past the park’s ferris wheel, eliciting screams of surprise from the riders.
“I’ve done all of this stuff, but you thought you’d beat me by throwin’ money my way? You wanna know why it didn’t work?” Wario asked as he leaned into Halekulani’s ear. “Because nothin’ you could’ve done would’ve helped against someone like me!”
“And what exactly gives you the right to say that? Who are you to judge my Gorgeous Shinken?”
”Well, if ya need a reminder, then I’ll give it to ya one last time! The name’s Wario! And I’m,” the Italian paused as he began spinning in place, creating a corkscrew of flame as they continued falling. Halekulani’s screamed once again, with it growing in intensity as they rapidly approached the Money Castle. In only a few seconds, his scream had become so loud that many of Hallelujah Land’s visitors looked up in surprise. Upon seeing the enormous meteor that was headed their way, the numerous families and employees began desperately running toward the nearest exits. Parents were either hoisting their oblivious children through the air or keeping a firm grip as they dragged them by the arm. The park’s enforcers, the Hell Killers, had also begun their escape, with most using their respective Shinkens to get ahead of the crowd. And while all of this chaos erupted, Wario and Halekulani had been rapidly approaching the Money Castle!
“NUMBER ONE!” Wario finished. As he watched the metal roofing grow closer, Halekulani let out a panicked, furious scream, and then-
BOOM!
A massive explosion of fire and smoke shot through the air, spreading across the entirety of the Money Castle and extending throughout the entire park! The smokescreen lasted for several seconds, but once it faded one figure could be seen. Although the impact had reduced him back to his base form, the greedy businessman still rose to his feet, and then…
He pumped both hands into the air, forming a W with his fingers as a victorious laugh escaped his throat!
“WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah! Take that, loser!” Wario taunted before continuing to laugh over his opponent’s corpse. Halekulani’s limp body laid against the ground, having taken the full brunt of the explosion. His entire upper torso was practically nonexistent, while his lower half had been rendered unrecognizable. Despite this, the obese antihero paid it no mind. Only one thing mattered: he had finally beaten Halekulani, and now all of that money belonged to HIM!
Well, I guess that’s one way to end a fight. And I’m not even a big fan of wrestling, either.
Anyway, let’s talk about this fight, because it was honestly one of the weirdest battles I’ve written. When it came to strength, Halekulani didn’t have that much going for him in terms of concrete feats. Backhanding ghosts, destroying a wall of ice, and damaging the likes of Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler are certainly impressive, but there’s not that much else to him since he mainly uses his money-based powers when fighting. If we’re using scaling, he could likely be scaled to Bobobo, who destroyed the Sun while fighting against Giga. Admittedly, the Sun in question is way smaller than the one in real life, plus this fight happened sometime after Halekulani’s defeat. That said, the issue with the Sun could be chalked up as an artistic liberty since Bobobo is a gag manga, and technically Halekulani could still be scaled since the fight with Giga happened before Bobobo got a power-up that gave him an enormous buff.
Outside of showing more concrete feats due to participating in fights, Wario also took strength in scaling, too. He’s often been shown to fight the Mario Bros, even beating both of them at the same time. The Marios have both shown the ability to compete against and fight alongside Rosalina, who shielded Mario, Peach, and Bowser from a massive black hole that threatened the entire universe. According to herself, she has done this numerous times, with “the cycle never repeating itself in quite the same way.” Additionally, Wario’s strength has been shown to be almost comparable to Bowser, who is implied to have survived the aforementioned black hole.
As for speed, it’s no contest. Halekulani’s lacking any real feats in this regard, whereas Wario has a plethora of these feats. Without employing scaling, Wario’s reacted to a ball that was thrown fast enough to catch fire in the atmosphere, broken the sound barrier with his Shoulder Bash in Wario Land 4, and even outswam a black hole. With scaling, he would once again be comparable to Mario, who has shown the ability to pilot the Starship Mario, which can move across galaxies in seconds.
So Wario takes the stat trinity pretty hard. What about the non-physical stats?
Well, experience is another aspect that Wario takes. Halekulani’s only been in two fights, and he didn’t really do much in either. By contrast, Wario’s had a history of fighting others, hunting for treasure, and he’s often competed in various kart races and sports competitions. Similarly, Wario’s also got the edge in intelligence. True, he doesn’t really use his smarts while fighting, but his expertise in close-quarters and grappling put him ahead of Halekulani, who has never really been shown to use his intellect during a fight.
When it comes to arsenal, Halekulani’s only got his bills and coins, and while his powers ensure that he can use them competently, Wario takes both quality and quantity. In short:
-Power-ups and pots give him an edge in attacks and versatility
-His Bob-ombs can easily destroy Halekulani’s money, ruin the Gorgeous Shinken’s attacks, and even damage Hale himself
-His brass knuckles, balloon suit, Power Suit, Power Flower, and Donkey Kong mech all boost his strength, with the latter increasing his durability
-The Power Suit and mech also grant better ranged options and possess something that gives him an edge in mobility (Power Suit and thrusters)
-His buckets can blind Halekulani and would be extremely difficult to remove
-Megavitamins can give him better long-range options, a way to heal himself from damage, and a possible way to poison Halekulani
-Goodstyle gives Wario a versatility advantage thanks to his different forms
-His vehicles boost his speed even further and give him a mobility advantage
-Garlic can heal him, power his farts, and turn him into Wario-Man
Then there’s their powers. Halekulani’s ability to manipulate money, transmute people into it, and grow stronger by absorbing it are certainly some impressive hax. His ability to turn people into cars was also a pretty dangerous ability. That said, Wario also had his own impressive abilities. For starters, his cartoonish nature ensured that even if Halekulani’s money transmutation did affect him, it would only be temporary. His ability to absorb money by inhaling it would also nullify several of the Gorgeous Shinken’s abilities, including the transmutation. I say this because every time Halekulani’s used transmutation, it’s always been from the outside, not the inside. There’s also nothing that suggests he can use money to transmute people from the inside.
Wario’s ability to resurrect himself with money was another power that put a massive damper on Halekulani’s attacks. Of the Gorgeous Shinken’s moveset, it would easily damper the 10 Billion Dollar Bazooka and One Hundred Trillion Dollar Finale. His snot and fart-based attacks could also counter most of its techniques, the former by rendering the cash too sticky to use and the latter by dispersing Hale’s larger attacks.
“But what about the Death Money Sugoroku?” I hear you ask. Honestly, the Death Money Sugoroku was probably the biggest threat Halekulani had to Wario. With it, he’s nearly invincible, can bypass Wario’s durability by attacking his soul, and its money-draining abilities rendered several of Wario’s greed and money-based powers moot. So why did Wario win if the Death Money Sugoroku was that much of a threat?
Well, for starters, there’s the massive gap in stats, especially speed. Because of Halekulani’s vastly inferior physical stats, he likely wouldn’t be able to use this before Wario blitzes and one-shots him. Wario’s weaponry could also destroy the board, which would give him the ability to harm Hale without the risk of becoming diamond. There’s also the fact that he had several means to escape the board. He could go for the straightforward route and beat Halekulani to death after removing the board’s obstacles. Artsy Wario could likely paint an exit to the game. In fact, Wario in his base form could either hypnotize Halekulani (which is something Halekulani has shown no resistance to) or he could just use his strength to literally break the fourth wall.
Finally, there are their transformations. Ultimate Halekulani can boost his stats, which lessens the physical gap by a slight margin, and it gives him access to more powerful attacks like the 10 Billion Dollar Bazooka and One Hundred Trillion Dollar Finale. He could also combine it with his money absorption to further close the gap. There’s also his other transformation: No-Money mode. Unlike his ultimate form, it’s unknown if this gives any buffs, and its only attack seems to be a massive explosion. The most damning thing about this form is probably its requirements. In order to use it, one would have to completely drain him of his money (which Wario could certainly do), but Wario has his way to counter each form. He could easily blitz Hale before he ever reaches either form, I’ve already described how he can counter Ultimate’s attacks, and he’s more than durable enough to survive No-Money mode. Not helping was that Wario had his own transformations to use.
Of his power-up based forms, Fire Wario gave him ways to destroy Halekulani’s money, Metal Wario buffs his strength and durability, and Bunny Wario boosts his mobility by a pretty decent margin. Tree Wario also has some pretty impressive abilities. He could use roots to attack or ensnare Halekulani, make him trip balls by unleashing spores (rendering him unable to focus in the process), or he could just bypass Halekulani’s durability by melting him with a mouth beam. Then there’s his ultimate form: Wario-Man.
Although it runs on a time limit, Wario-Man grants a drastic boost to his stats, he gains the ability to fly, and his attacks gain similar buffs. Then there’s its biggest advantage: his invincibility. Thanks to this, all of Halekulani’s attacks would be rendered useless, giving Wario all the time he’d need to take Hale out.
Halekulani was definitely a powerful opponent, but he just couldn’t cash a break when fighting Wario.
The winner is Wario!
Wario (Winner)
+ Took the stat trinity by leagues, which would only increase further thanks to his transformations and weapons
+ More experienced
+ More intelligent
+ Larger arsenal
+ More versatile powerset
+ Superior in hand-to-hand combat
+ Better mobility
+ More unpredictable
– But Halekulani regularly fights opponents like that
+ Larger number of transformations
+ Inhaling and ability to resist transmutation rendered Halekulani’s money-based attacks useless
+ Wario-Man’s invincibility only furthers this
+ His powers countered the Gorgeous Shinken’s abilities
– Death Money Sugoroku could bypass his durability and drain his money
+ But Wario has multiple ways to bypass it or get around it
Halekulani (Loser)
+ Used to fighting unpredictable opponents
+ Death Money Sugoroku would be a huge threat to Wario
– But that’s assuming he could even use it, and even then Wario had several ways to get through it
– Everything else
Brendan’s Versus Battles 
