Corporations, the titans of today’s society. They dispense products like there’s no tomorrow, regardless of quality or use, all in the hopes that someone will buy it so they can line their pockets with cash. And sitting at the tops of these companies are the men in charge. Whether they’re sleazy con artists or honest businessmen, one thing’s for sure: they don’t care about you. The only thing on their mind is what’s in your wallet and how they can get you to fork it over. And none embody this sense of corporate greed more than today’s combatants.
Wario, the morbidly obese antithesis to Mario.
And Halekulani, master of the Gorgeous Shinken fighting style.
I’m Br3ndan5, and I’ll be analyzing their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
Thanks to MetaWeegee for the Wario bio and Mr-Pepsi-and-Pizza for the Halekulani bio.
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Born as one of the seven Star Children said to possess “unimaginable power,” Wario’s early life was not a happy one. As an infant he was captured by the reptilian tyrant Bowser, though he was eventually freed by a group of Yoshis. After working with them for a bit, the greedy infant would eventually part ways with them to join a group of bandits.
While it’s unknown if he was ever returned to his parents, what is known is that he would grow up alongside Mario, another of the Star Children. The two would often play cops and robbers with each other, though despite Wario’s constant pleas to play the role of cop, he would only ever get his wish once. Unbeknownst to Mario, this would serve as the catalyst for their rivalry, which would only grow throughout their adulthood.
Years later, Wario, having grown extremely jealous of Mario’s fame, decided to finally take his long-awaited revenge. While Mario was busy battling the alien warlord Tatanga, Wario decided to take over the hero’s castle, claiming it as his own and hypnotizing the entire kingdom into serving him.
Unfortunately for the overweight Italian, his 15 minutes of fame weren’t destined to last, as Mario eventually discovered his treachery and decided to take his home back by force. After a hard fight, Wario was eventually forced to retreat, though he wasn’t going to give up so easily!
Despite his recent defeat, all Mario had succeeded in doing was strengthen Wario’s resolve. With the goal of obtaining his own castle in mind, Wario would begin his career in treasure hunting, searching for riches across the land so he’d have the money needed for his goal. While on this quest, however, he would meet the infamous Captain Syrup, leader of the Black Sugar Pirates. The two would constantly butt heads along their journey, with their rivalry ultimately culminating in Wario stealing all of her treasure (including a lamp housing the genie Denpu). Using the lamp, he made his wish, and Denpu would grant him an entire planet in return.
But even with an entire planet to himself, Wario’s greed still wasn’t sated. While he continued his treasure-hunting, often fighting Captain Syrup in the process, he would also begin branching out his ventures, even starting his own successful gaming company at one point! With his profits growing, Wario would set his sights on another goal: getting revenge on Mario for all those years ago. Whether it was during kart races, sports, or just straight-up hand-to-hand combat, Wario would challenge Mario, eager to rub victory in his face. Whether or not he actually succeeded in this was another matter altogether.
Halekulani Height: 6 ft Weight: Unknown First Appearance: Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo – Chapter 93: Challenger Themes:
Feats: -Apparently started out as a young poor child robbing off the streets -One of the Four Heavenly Kings of the Maruhage Empire -Considered to be the strongest member at that -Gave Bobobo a fairly difficult fight -Owns a world-famous amusement park, Hallelujah Land -Survived his defeat from Bobobo and entered into Czar Baldy Bald the 4th’s grand tournament -Defeated a high ranking guard member of the Empire -Worked with Bobobo (to an extent) to fight the Reverse Maruhage Empire -Apparently shares the name of a high-quality resort
Born into a life of poverty, Halekulani’s early life was not a happy one. He would often have to steal bread in order to survive, or he’d risk starving. These poor living conditions would instill in him a sense of greed and a borderline obsession with money, to the point where he even created an entire fighting style based around money.
Years later, Halekulani would join the Maruhage Empire ruled by the infamous tyrant Czar Baldy Bald III, serving as the most powerful member of its Heavenly Kings. While under the empire’s service, he would use his money to open a famous- albeit heavily costly- theme park known as Hallelujah Land, which he funded through slave labor. As part of security, Halekulani would employ a group of assassins to reign in any troublemakers and make sure his profits remained stable.
Unfortunately for Hale, this iron grip wasn’t destined to last. He would eventually hear word of Bobobo, a man who was intent on destroying the Maruhage Empire through use of his Hajike art, the Hanage Shinken. Realizing he could prove a threat, Halekulani at first attempted to have his assassins take Bobobo out, but upon their defeat he was forced to step in himself.
The two would do battle in Halekulani’s main base, the Money Castle. It was during this battle that Halekulani was pushed to his absolute limit, both physically and mentally. After enduring repeated humiliation, having his Gorgeous Shinken rendered useless, and his supposedly invincible technique being used against him, he would eventually snap and try to take Bobobo out by crushing him with his ultimate attack, the One Hundred Trillion Dollar Finale. But before Bobobo, even this failed.
As he stood, his body battered and bloodied, an astounded Halekulani found himself subjected to a life lesson from Bobobo meant to teach him what was most important in life. In the end, Bobobo revealed to him that it wasn’t money that was most important in life, it was… money.
Upon hearing this confusing message, Halekulani fell into unconsciousness, with Bobobo revealing that his answer was actually just him BSing around since he felt Hale didn’t deserve the true answer.
Sometime after Bobobo left the park, Halekulani would continue running Hallelujah Land, though he would eventually catch wind of the New Emperor Playoffs, a contest meant to decide the Maruhage’s next leader. During the tournament, he would become one of its finalists, though upon learning that the tournament was invaded by a rival group called the Reverse Maruhage Empire, he would team up with Bobobo to take down this common enemy.
Strength: -Easily backhanded several ghosts -Knocks around Jelly Jiggler and Don Patch like they were toys -Can do some serious damage to Bo-bobo -With telekinesis, held up 100,000,000 metric tons of money (See more below) -Launched a blast of $1,000,000,000 from his hand with absolutely no recoil -Easily smashed down a wall of ice
Speed: -Presumably superhuman -Can just barely react to attacks from Bobobo and Don Patch
Durability: -Got up after an entire gondala car fell on his head -With the added weight of Bobobo as well -Tanked several hits from Bobobo, Don Patch, and Jelly Jiggler -Including their Hajike attacks -Got hit by a car -Got hit by a bulldozer multiple times -Was crushed by a giant game board -Survived being exposed to 2800 decibels of sound at once -It takes 200 decibels to kill a normal person -Survived getting his ass handed to him by the Neo Maruhage Empire -Survived Crimson’s Zetsuganken, which attacked his vital organs -Withstood being submerged in a pot of boiling water -Implied that he could survive the weight of his own One Hundred Trillion Dollar Finale
Personality: -Obsessed with money -Evil to his core -Values money over everything else and considers it the ultimate power in the world -So obsessed with money that if an attraction in his theme park isn’t making money, he will destroy it regardless of whether or not it’s still occupied -Arrogant as well -A bit crazy all things considered -Slowly loses his composure if pushed into a corner
Powers:
Money Manipulation: -Has a telekinetic control over all forms of money -Dollars, coins, jewels, etc -Capable of lifting over 100,000,000 metric tons of money -His money gives off an infectious aura that instills greed in the weak-willed -Can make paths of money on water, with the money remaining completely dry
Money Transmutation: -By trapping someone or something in giant dollar bills, he can turn them into coins based on their monetary value -Usually only creates one coin -Sometimes those coins can be special –For example, Jelly Jiggler became a Nu coin -Victims will be turned back to normal if Halekulani is defeated -If needed, he can turn his armor into an explosion of money
Money Empowerment: -Can use his power to call upon all the money in a large area -The image above is Hallelujah Land, which seems to be as large as a city -Any money he absorbs will be added to his power and can change him into his ultimate form (See below)
Car Summoning: -Can summon up an expensive car if he desires
Techniques:
Golden Phoenix: -Forms a mass of money into a giant money phoenix -Can overwhelm enemies with its size -Immobilizes foes by drowning them in its water-like mass of money
Falling Jewels: -Telekinetically summons several precious gems and minerals before throwing them forward -People who react fast enough can use these gems to become fabulous looking
Coin Knights: -Throws out coins that then form life-sized metal knights which are armed with swords -The knights are loyal to Halekulani, but easily tricked
Death Money Sugoroku: -Halekulani’s strongest power in his base form -Halekulani changes the battlefield into a giant, endless board game in the middle of a black void -Gives him the ability to fly and lets him summon a throne of money -The object of the game is to roll the dice until you get to the goal -There is no goal, making the game endless
-Forcibly summons his foes’ souls -Can suck out money from their souls at will, but lets the game decide for him just for fun -Every time he takes money from someone’s soul their bodies slowly become diamond -Almost every space will take away a random sum of money from the player’s soul
-Some spaces will call down Halekulani to give one of the players the gift of death
-Halekulani is almost completely invulnerable in this world -Anyone who attacks him in the game will have a large sum of money taken from their soul -Massive damage to the board game world can make Halekulani vulnerable to attack -If someone is aware, and strong enough, they can close the board game on Halekulani to do massive damage and bring both of them back to the regular world
Death One-Million Dollar Wing: -Halekulani telekinetically covers the opponent in dollar bills, turning them into a coin -As stated above, the victim will return to normal if Halekulani is defeated
Car of the Gorgeous: -Halekulani covers a target (usually his opponent) in cash and jewels, forming a car around them -Controls the car by using his victim’s body as a pedal -Lacks any control over how fast the car will go -If a victim is strong enough, they can return to normal by crashing into something, which will produce a massive explosion that damages Halekulani and destroys the car
Coin Knight Bridge: -Halekulani flips several coins through the air, summoning a line of coin knights he can either climb or parkour off of -If an opponent is in the coins’ crossfire, they’ll be forced to join the knights -Used as a means of recovery if he’s falling from a dangerous height
Forms:
Ultimate Halekulani: -Gained by absorbing a massive amount of money from the surrounding area -Grants a massive power boost -Adds an insane amount of jewelry to his armor -Might make him slightly bigger -Grants him access to the following techniques:
10 Billion Dollar Bazooka: -Shoots a massive blast of mixed energy and 10 billion dollars -10 billion dollars in metric tons is 10,000 -Doesn’t even budge from recoil
One Hundred Trillion Dollar Finale: -Telekinetically draws in a massive amount of money over the battlefield before dropping it on both himself and the enemy -It’s implied that he’d survive -The weight of all this money combined is 100,000,000 metric tons -Only used as a last resort
Weaknesses: -Has an absurd obsession with money -Goes crazy if backed into a corner -Not a hand to hand fighter -Paper currency-based attacks are vulnerable to powerful wind-based attacks -His Grand Finale attack was stopped by the use of two tornadoes -Lacking in speed feats -Powerful individuals can resist his temptation -Death Money Sugoroku isn’t a perfect attack -Despite his power, he became a total jobber in Shinsetsu
(“Yes, money equals power. In fact, money is everything!”)
Alright, the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all! It’s time for a Death Battle!
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In the middle of a seemingly endless black void, a young, winged teenager was currently running toward the left. He soon came to a stop, having seen a rectangular red-and-silver box in front of him. Kicking it, both the box and the boy himself were consumed in a bright flash of light.
“Equipped!” He shouted as the light faded away, revealing his full appearance. He was now covered head-to-toe in golden gladiatorial armor. Strapped to his right forearm was a mirror-like shield, and in his left hand was a bow adorned with armor similar to his own.
With the Three Sacred Treasures now equipped, a golden, gate-shaped portal emerged behind Pit, which he quickly stepped out of. The moment he did so, his wings became covered in a blue aura as he took flight.
“So what’s the problem, Lady Palutena? I mean, if we’re busting out the Three Sacred Treasures this early, then I’m guessing it must be pretty serious!” Pit said aloud, seemingly to no one.
“You guessed right, Pit.” A feminine voice responded, speaking to the angel telepathically. “Today’s mission’s going to be taking a different route. You’ll be heading into the Realm of Darkness.”
“The ‘Realm’ of Darkness?” He repeated, sounding somewhat confused.
“Yes.” Palutena responded, using her telepathy to send him a vision of a shadowy world covered by dark blue landmasses and a dark gray sky. “As its name suggests, the Realm of Darkness is inhabited only by those whose hearts have been tainted by evil or malice.”
“Okay.” Pit said, sounding uncertain. “And why exactly are we going there? Are some of the baddies in there trying to escape and take over? Has someone fallen in there that we need to get out? Or are we dealing with a dark lord who’s trying to ‘plunge the world into an eternal darkness from which no light can recover’?” The angel questioned, doing his best hammy supervillain impression to sell the last part.
“You’re half-right. For some reason, it seems that portals have been opening throughout the world, leaking out thousands of the realm’s population, the Heartless, into our own.” The goddess of light explained.
“So we’re going to try and force them back?”
“Already covered.” A younger, brattier voice answered, one that Pit immediately recognized.
“Viridi! It’s been awhile- wait, why are you here?” He asked, his tone going from a nice greeting to one of confusion.
“Are you kidding? Do you really think I’d just sit back and let these… these things try to ruin the Earth? They’re worse than humans!” The goddess of nature snapped. “So, Pit, for now you can consider our little grudge off the table. We’ve got more important matters to deal with!”
“Right. As I was about to explain, Viridi already had it covered. Right now, the Forces of Nature, Centurions, and the humans have all teamed up to fight the Heartless.” Palutena revealed. “So while they’re defending the front lines, we’re going to be taking the fight to their home turf.”
“So you mean we’ll be heading into the Realm of Darkness? How are we going to do that?” Pit asked.
“Well, that’s where the tricky part comes in.” The goddess admitted. “You see, unless you have a significant amount of darkness in your heart, it’s impossible to create a portal to the Realm of Darkness. So I decided to try using some mementos that have already been through the realm to find where the next one would show up.”
“What kind of mementos?” Pit asked, sounding slightly worried.
“Oh, not much. Just a shoulder piece and a few, uh… peculiar swords. If I had to guess, they might belong to someone who fell through the realm some time ago.”
“Wait, so someone actually fell through the Realm of Darkness? Do you think they might still be alive? Could someone actually survive in a world like that?”
“Judging by how old and dusty most of this equipment looked, it would be a miracle if they did survive that long.” She admitted, sounding sympathetic as she spoke. This soon changed, however, as she noticed each of the weapons begin to give off a strange reaction. They were becoming coated in an aura of darkness, and that could only mean that…
“Pit, the portal’s opening! And from the looks of things, it should be here right… now!”
The moment Palutena finished speaking, a tear opened in the middle of the sky. It was pitch-black, with a dark blue aura emanating from its edges, and spilling out of it was a waterfall of shadowy creatures. All of them had pitch-black skin and glowing yellow eyes, but that was where the similarities ended. Most of their troops consisted of extremely tiny imps, but there were also dozens of more shapely beings. Several were more humanoid and armed with various weapons, others took on a more gargoyle-esque shape, and there were even a few animalistic ones here and there.
“Whoa! There’s so many!” Pit said, astonished at what he was seeing.
“And if we want to get in there, it’s going to take everything we’ve got! Are you ready?” As she asked this, Palutena forced the Power of Flight to send her servant rocketing toward the portal at faster-than-light speeds. Several of the Heartless seemed to perk up as they saw the screaming angel hurtling toward them, but before they could react to this, they were crushed into mush by the living battering ram that was Pit.
“Ow! Owowowow! Owowowowow!” He muttered as he rapidly slammed into hundreds of shadowy beings. “Isn’t there an easier way to do this, Lady Palutena?”
“Sorry, Pit. It’s either this or I wait for another portal to open somewhere else. Just try and hold on a bit longer!” She reassured him.
“Alright, I’ll tryyyyyyy!” He responded, the last word becoming a scream of panic as the portal seemed to suck him in.
“Pit! PIT!” Palutena screamed worriedly as the void closed around him, and with it her telepathic connection suddenly died. Fear began to grip the goddess of light’s heart as she looked to her side and noticed something: the blades and shoulder piece had stopped reacting. This meant that Pit was trapped in the Realm of Darkness by himself. He could be fending for himself against thousands of Heartless at this moment, and if he died-
Quickly pushing those thoughts from her mind, Palutena grabbed hold of her makeshift trackers and several of Pit’s own weapons. Then, with a frantic panic taking hold of her mind, she ran out of her temple at top speed and leapt forward, activating the Power of Flight to carry herself through the sky.
‘Don’t worry, Pit!’ She thought to herself as she telepathically commanded several dozen of Skyworld’s Centurions to follow her. ‘You won’t have to wait for much longer!’
Looking down at the shoulder piece in her hand, she noticed it was beginning to give off a strong reaction. In tandem with this, another portal opened up, this one a good distance away from her, and from it thousands of Heartless emerged, all of them intent on converging into one point: Skyworld. Refusing to let them touch her home, Palutena immediately waved her staff through the air, erecting a massive barrier around Skyworld.
With its safety secured, the goddess of light charged forward, her men obediently shooting down the enemy with their arrows or bowling them over through brute force. This was creating a clear pathway for Palutena, but there was just one problem: the Heartless’ numbers were proving quick to overwhelm the Centurions, and she was running low on troops. Realizing this, she summoned forth a massive construct of wings, and with it she began to fly faster than before! Their wingspan was so vast that the several rows of surrounding Heartless didn’t even have a chance to react before the light-based creation incinerated them. All the while, Palutena was dodging and weaving in midair, taking out hundreds of minions within seconds and ever so slowly reaching her goal. But it was then that a hollow sound made its way to her ears, an audible indication that the gateway was about to close!
‘No!’ Palutena thought desperately. ‘I need to keep going!’
With that, she increased the Power of Flight’s output, causing a blue cone to envelop her as her body repeatedly flew past the speed of light! She tore her way through hundreds of Shadows, reducing them to wisps of smoke through sheer speed alone. She felt like her body would give out from the pressure, but through sheer, unadulterated willpower, she kept pushing forward! A scream of adrenaline-fueled determination escaped Palutena’s lips as she soared through the crowd, flying straight into the Corridor of Darkness’ seemingly endless expanse!
Once she had passed through the gateway, Palutena collapsed onto the ground. Upon doing so, she noticed that it seemed to be composed of a gray, almost sand-like substance. Looking up, she saw that her surroundings were dotted with various black-and-purple rock formations, and laying before her was an endless ocean of water, one that shone a dull gray under the cold moonlight.
Just by looking at this, Palutena could tell that she had successfully entered the Realm of Darkness. Exhaustion briefly threatened to overtake her, but a quick wave of her staff and some light magic proved quick to dispel her tiredness. With a sigh of relief, the goddess stretched her legs and prepared to begin exploring the area. Fortunately, it seemed she wouldn’t need to search far, as her enhanced hearing picked up the sound of a battle not too far away!
Gliding as fast as she could, the green-haired goddess soon spotted the fight, as both combatants were currently flying through the air. The first thing she noticed was Pit, and how this battle had visibly taken its toll on him. His entire frame was covered in numerous burns and lacerations, while his breathing was audibly growing heavier with each second. His body language suggested that he was seconds away from passing out, yet he was still forcing himself to stay in the game. But even with this defiance, it was clear he wouldn’t last for much longer. Entire chunks of armor were now missing, the Mirror Shield’s frame was adorned with numerous cracks, and his bow was suffering from similar damage.
Despite these damages, his attacker was showing no restraint. In fact, they were moving so quickly that all Palutena could make out was a blurry silhouette wreathed in a violet aura! The blur shot into the air, ascending far above Pit, who instinctively raised the Mirror Shield to block the oncoming attack.
KRACKT!
Unfortunately, while he proved successful in doing so, this final attack had proven too much for his shield to handle. With only one strike, his attacker had caused the Mirror Shield to explode into numerous metal shards, and the attack itself still had enough force to send Pit crashing into the ground! He rolled across the sandy terrain for several seconds before finally coming to a stop, coughing up several flecks of blood as he tried to push himself out of the sand.
“Pathetic.” A feminine voice spat venomously. “If this is the best you can do, then your world deserves to be lost in darkness.”
Upon hearing this, Palutena noticed the silhouette begin to clear up, revealing the form of a woman.
She was tall, sporting bleached-blue hair and towering over Pit by four inches. Her upper body was covered by a black-and-blue, high-collared halter top, with two black, intersecting straps fastened across her chest. Her lower half was covered by a pair of black shorts, and draped above it was a black strip of cloth tied around her waist. A pair of black, tattered bell-sleeves hung loosely around her arms, which Palutena noticed were far darker than the rest of her pale skin. The same could be said of her legs, even though they were covered by black, thigh-length stockings. A pair of pointed, armored silver boots covered her feet, each one sporting a sharp hook at its end.
Some time ago, this woman had been the calm, kind-hearted Keyblade Master known as Aqua. Thanks to a recent corruption inserted into her, however, she had taken on a new identity: the embittered, cruel Anti-Aqua.
The moment Aqua’s silhouette cleared up, Palutena could feel an odd reaction emanating from the relics she’d picked up. Concerned, she summoned the smallest one, the shoulder piece, into her hand, and that’s when something unexpected happened.
Almost as if it had a mind of its own, the piece suddenly ripped itself free from her grasp and flew toward the blue-haired swordswoman at blinding speeds! The blades immediately followed suit, with each one materializing itself and hurtling toward Aqua, who had suddenly shot toward Pit! She reeled her blade back, no doubt to deal a killing blow, but several flashes of light suddenly consumed her body, causing her to stop mid-swing. It was a feeling she hadn’t experienced in a long time, but she could still recall exactly what it meant.
Looking down, she stared at her newfound weapon. Instead of a key-shaped sword sporting a silver handle and a long, black blade, she found herself wielding a light blue sword with wave-like engravings along its shaft and teeth. In the middle of its blade was a black circle containing a blue, star-shaped pendant. The sword stayed like this for several seconds as she inspected it, only for it to revert back to its original appearance, much to her confusion.
‘How could it have come back after so long?‘ She thought to herself, ‘and if this has come back, then-‘
She cut herself off and looked to the right, finding a silver shoulder piece now attached to her tattered clothes. Out of curiosity, she attempted to press her hand against it, but at the same time she noticed something out of the corner of her eye. Pit was beginning to stir!
Realizing this, Aqua swung the Master’s Defender, but that was when something surprising happened!
CLANG!
Aqua’s corrupted eyes widened in surprise at what she was seeing, with her supposed victim sharing the same reaction.
“L-lady Palutena?” He stuttered. At hearing her name, the green-haired woman in front of him gave a hard push with her staff, forcing Aqua to back off.
“Pit, are you alright?” His savior asked, sounding heavily concerned.
“Honestly,” he said between heavy panting, “this isn’t as bad as it looks. I can still take her!”
“Not in that condition you’re not!” She responded, almost as if reprimanding him. Once she’d finished speaking, a golden portal appeared behind her. “After what you’ve been through, you need to rest.”
At seeing the portal, Aqua’s eyes widened. How had this woman managed to open a portal to the realm of light so casually?
’And more importantly,’ she thought as her grip on the Master’s Defender tightened, ‘if it was so simple, why didn’t Mickey, Riku, or the others open one to save me all that time ago?’
“But what about the Heartless? And what are you going to do about her?” Pit asked.
“I’ve got the Centurions on standby back at Skyworld, and as for her,” Palutena smiled before declaring, “let’s just say I’m planning on giving her a little divine intervention!”
“Er… no offense, Lady Palutena, but speaking as someone who just got my butt kicked by her, I think we might want to try avoiding her. She doesn’t seem like the type who wants your-“
FWING!
While Pit was in the middle of speaking, his employer activated the Power of Flight, causing him to let out a cry of “heeeeeeeelllllllpppp” as he was forcibly flown into the portal. Aqua prepared to leap after him, but the gateway disappeared as soon as Pit had entered, leaving her alone with the green-haired woman.
“So you’re Palutena? That boy, Pit, seemed to enjoy mentioning you when we fought.” Aqua told her.
“Well, it’s good to know my reputation’s been growing, even if it is among some less than savory places.” Palutena responded jokingly, only for her tone to become more serious as she said “But that doesn’t explain why you viciously attacked him!”
“That? It was to teach him that his trust in you was misplaced. He seemed so sure that you’d save him and return him to the realm of light in no time. Tell me, how long did it take you to save him? Months? Years? A decade or two?” The mage asked, her tone growing increasingly bitter as she recounted the growing amounts of time.
“Only six minutes, 35 seconds. Why?” Palutena asked, her voice trailing off and her eyes lighting up in shock as she realized something. “Wait, the way those weapons reacted… how long have you been down here?”
“I gave up trying to figure that out long ago.” Aqua responded, her tone broken and bitter. “Just like I gave up on thinking I could ever escape from this shadow prison. And with what you just did to save him, you’ll eventually have to do the same. You can deny it, but deep down you’ll eventually realize you threw away your last attempt at returning to your home.”
“And what makes you say that?” The goddess asked as she tapped her staff against the ground. Upon doing so, a golden portal appeared behind her, only to disappear as she tapped it again. The sight of this was enough to incense Aqua, which only grew as the goddess began to smirk at her. With rage clouding her mind, she charged toward Palutena, who put her shield up just in time to block an attempted slash.
“You’re mocking me, aren’t you?” The mage asked furiously. “No one could summon a portal from here to the realm of light so easily!”
“I take it you haven’t met me, then!” Palutena responded playfully as she pushed Aqua off. The bluenette quickly regained her footing, however, and glared at her.
“Oh, I’m sure we can get to know each other,” Aqua paused as she entered into a fighting stance, “once you’ve joined me in the darkness!”
“Sorry, but I’m more of a fun in the sun kinda goddess.” Palutena responded as she placed her staff against the ground, causing a halo and wings to appear behind her. “But I’ll be more than happy to purify the darkness that’s infected your heart!”
With that, both women stared each other down, almost as if daring the other to make the first move. They kept their grips firm on their respective weapons, waiting for any sign of their opponent preparing to begin their attack. Then, after three seconds of preparation, one of them chose to act!
Palutena thrust her staff forward, rapidly firing out three blasts of light that flew toward Aqua at blinding speeds. In response, the mage ran toward them, using her agility to cartwheel past the first two before leaping above the third. As she began descending, Aqua swung her Keyblade down, only for Palutena to respond by quickly bringing her shield up.
CLANG!
The two weapons collided, producing a shockwave that sent both skidding back. Palutena proved quick to recover as she pointed her staff forward and fired off another volley of blasts. Just when it seemed that they were about to hit her, however, Aqua’s body vanished into a purple void. The moment she vanished, Palutena let out a cry of pain as she felt a sharp blade slice across her back, courtesy of a rematerializing Aqua. The goddess of light attempted to deliver a counter-attack, but before she could do so her target vanished once again! Reappearing to Palutena’s side, the embittered swordswoman this time charged forward and delivered a slash, pushing her opponent forward.
Before she even had time to recover, the green-haired deity found herself repeatedly struck across the face as Aqua performed a spinning slash, ending it with a final swing that launched her divine adversary several feet back. As she attempted to fight through the pain, Palutena began focusing her enhanced hearing, all the while mentally preparing herself for the mage’s next attack. She could hear the air currents shifting around her, focusing on one specific point… there!
“Counter!” The goddess announced, entering a defensive stance just as Aqua delivered another slash. The moment it made contact, Palutena responded by bashing her shield against the mage’s face, eliciting a grunt of pain as she stepped back. Refusing to give her opponent a chance to recover, Palutena gave a shout of “Angelic Missile” as she slammed into Aqua, knocking the mage into the air and launching her a considerable distance. While she watched this from afar, Palutena gave a quick swing of her staff, causing a bright light to momentarily flash close to Aqua’s current landing position. Just as this light had faded, Aqua’s eyes snapped open as she backflipped through the air. Her feet hit the ground…
BOOM!
And immediately detonated the Land Mine that Palutena had set up, sending her flying back toward the goddess. Despite this, the Keyblade Master managed to reposition herself once again, this time utilizing a forward flip to land perfectly on her feet. Upon doing so, she leapt toward Palutena, closing the distance between them in seconds.
“Sonic Blade!” Aqua shouted as she launched herself toward the goddess, thrusting her Keyblade forward. For a brief moment it seemed that the sword was about to make contact, but then…
“Bumblebee!”
Palutena disappeared in a flash of light, only to suddenly reappear behind Aqua, who seemed unaware of this change in position. With her opponent now open, the goddess threw her staff forward, using her telekinesis to strike the bluenette in the back…
Or at least it would’ve done so, had her adversary’s entire body not vanished into thin air. She reappeared almost immediately, repeating the prior gesture and sending the green-haired deity forward. Aqua then teleported a third time, delivering yet another Sonic Blade strike that Palutena was unable to react to. She couldn’t even register the pain before three more Sonic Blade attacks slashed across her body, causing her to grunt in pain.
As the pain finally began to register through her opponent’s mind, Aqua reappeared in front of the deity and delivered an underhanded slash, launching her through the air. Disappearing in a flash of light, the Keyblade Master soon reappeared and followed up with another swing. As Palutena hit the peak of her ascension, Aqua teleported once again, this time appearing above her and slamming into her with an overhead swing. The moment it made contact, Palutena found herself hurtling toward the ocean at dangerous speeds, but she proved quick to correct this.
Taking a page out of her opponent’s book, the Goddess of Light let out a cry of “Warp” as a bright light encompassed her body. She reappeared on top of the ocean, which she mentally noted seemed rather solid for what should be in a liquid state. Before she could think about this any further, however, an audible splash cut off her thoughts. Looking toward its direction, she saw Aqua rushing toward her, though her weapon had once again changed form. But instead of it being a Keyblade, she now wielded a massive, glowing purple longsword made of light, a visible indicator that she had managed to tap into the Bladecharge Command Style.
Using her newly elongated sword, Aqua unleashed a long combo slashes, all of which Palutena was having trouble keeping up with. While she could block a swing here or there, Aqua’s speed was quickly overwhelming her. With each strike, her body became further wracked with pain as she experienced the light blade’s full power.
‘Her strength is impressive!’ She thought as Aqua threw out a spinning slash. Though this left her reeling, the goddess pushed it aside as a smirk appeared on her face. ‘But let’s see how she deals with that strength being used against her!’
“Libra Sponge!” Palutena called out, causing a blue aura to surround her for a split second. Though Aqua noticed this, her sword was already in mid-swing, and the goddess was still sent staggering back when it struck. With her opponent left open, the Keyblade Master delivered a rising slash, dragging the divine warrior into the air as she did so. As they ascended, Aqua dished out three more swings, with each one hitting its mark and eliciting another grunt from the goddess of light. Once they’d hit their peak, Aqua prepared to finish her combo as she brought her light-blade back, igniting its tip in flames.
“Triple Firaga!” She shouted as she swung it through the air, producing three fireballs that slammed into Palutena’s body and sent her crashing through the ground. A groan emerged from her throat as she pushed herself back up, looking up just in time to see Aqua raise her sword into the air.
“Farewell!” She said as the weapon drastically grew in height, extending roughly six feet in an instant. Keeping a firm grip on its hilt, Aqua then began spinning her sword through the air, moving so quickly that all Palutena could register was a purple-and-white blur before-
SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH!
The construct had struck her six times, each one producing a new cut as it targeted a different part of her body. After the sixth slash, Aqua paused for a brief moment to raise it through the air. Then, just as quickly as she’d brought it up, the corrupted mage slammed her weapon back down. The sword was moving fast enough that Palutena barely had any time to react, but just when it seemed that it was about to rend her in two, the goddess managed to speak two, barely audible words.
“Brief Invincibility!”
BOOM!
[Stop music]
As her Keyblade returned to its original form, Aqua looked toward where her opponent had been, expecting that she’d see a corpse or at least some kind of remains. Instead, her eyes widened in surprise as she saw Palutena running toward her in a surprising burst of speed, looking none the worse for wear and now armed with a new weapon!
Although the sight of this was enough to leave her momentarily shocked, the Wayfinder user recovered just in time to raise her Keyblade.
CLANG!
The two weapons collided, resulting in their blades locking into place as both women stared each other down. As they pushed themselves in this struggle for dominance, Aqua took note of her opponent’s new weapons. They appeared to be a pair of red, wolf-shaped gauntlets, both sporting three blades that were wreathed in flame.
Gritting her teeth, Aqua began pushing back, causing Palutena’s knees to buckle. Realizing she wouldn’t get anywhere like this, the goddess leapt away, causing her opponent to stumble forward. Noticing this temporary weak spot, Palutena aimed one of the Wolf Claws forward and began unleashing a rapid barrage of fiery blasts, all of which hit Aqua dead-on. Refusing to let her recover, Palutena burst forward at top speed, closing the distance between them almost instantly. Then, using the Wolf Claws’ speed boost to her advantage, the goddess of light began unleashing dozens of slashes within the same timeframe. With each slash, Aqua’s already tattered clothes were torn even further asunder, and her body became adorned with numerous scratches and lacerations. The claws had even begun setting her ablaze, eliciting a brief cry of pain.
“What’s the matter? Can’t take the heat?” Palutena taunted as she continued dishing out slashes. While in the middle of this seemingly endless combo, however, a wave of power suddenly left the goddess’ body, signifying that her Brief Invincibility had run its course. Despite this, she paid it no mind. Libra Sponge was still active, and there was no way Aqua could recover in time!
As this thought ran through her head, Palutena threw out another slash-
“Enough!”
-and was quickly proven wrong as Aqua threw her left hand forward, erecting a spherical barrier that caused the goddess’ attack to harmlessly bounce off.
“What?” Palutena questioned in shock as she reeled back, noticing that she hadn’t even left a scratch on the barrier. With her opponent now left open, Aqua aimed her Keyblade through the air, ready to activate another spell.
“Slow!” In tandem with this word escaping her lips, a wave shot out of the mage’s body, with Palutena immediately feeling its effects. Her movements had become sluggish, almost as if she was trying to wade through a river of mud. To make matters worse, Aqua was already prepared to take revenge, having raised the Master’s Defender as she lunged at the goddess.
Using a combination of her speed and teleportation, Aqua immediately began overwhelming her comparatively slower adversary. With every microsecond that passed, another twelve strikes would impact Palutena’s body from all sides, creating more bruises or cuts on her skin. And while the Slow spell had affected her reaction speed, the deity could still feel the pain overwhelming her mind, each strike bringing her ever so closer to blacking out.
’This must be what Pit felt like during their fight.’ She thought as the Master’s Defender opened up more cuts on her body. ‘Each strike seems to be delivered with intent to kill, and I don’t have any way to fight back, unless…’
Palutena’s expression shifted from a pained grimace to a smug look as she prepared to activate another one of her powers. Unfortunately, this smugness would soon falter as she noticed a black blur heading toward her face.
SHING!
Palutena let out an involuntary grunt of pain as she was sent hurtling through the air, her grip on the Wolf Claws weakening with each inch she flew. Seeing this, Aqua immediately leapt into the air to meet her, reaching the goddess in a matter of seconds. Then, with blinding speeds, the Keyblade Master threw out two more slashes, creating an X-shaped scratch across the deity’s chest. Before Palutena could fully recover, Aqua raised the Master’s Defender into the air as she shouted two words:
“You’re done!”
As these words escaped her lips, six bolts of lightning shot down from the heavens, striking the goddess of light hard enough that she screamed in pain.
[Stop music]
She hit the ground almost immediately, the impact forcing her to cough up blood as she rolled across the dull, gray ocean. As she placed her hands against the ground, the goddess of light noticed two things: the first was another drop in energy, showing that the Libra Sponge had finally ended. The second was that her body was no longer burdened by the Slow spell, which caused her to become reinvigorated as she pushed herself back up. While doing so, however, something in the water’s reflection managed to catch her eye. Aqua was pointing the Master’s Defender directly at her, and a small sphere of white energy was gathering at its tip. Looking up, Palutena met her opponent’s gaze just as the mage said one word:
“Gotcha!”
With that, dozens of multi-colored salvos shot out from the blade’s tip, each one corkscrewing through the air as it approached the goddess at faster-than-light speeds. Rather than panic or show even the slightest bit of worry, however, Palutena’s only response was to give a mischievous smirk before activating another of her powers.
“Reflect!” In tandem with this, a red barrier tinged with a golden outline suddenly manifested in front of her. The blasts made contact…
FWOOM! FWOOM! FWOOM! FWOOM! FWOOM! FWOOM!
And were quickly sent back to their sender. In response to this seemingly impending doom, Aqua began twisting her body through the air, with each blast missing her by only a few centimeters. Once she had managed to avoid each of the blasts, the mage raised her Keyblade into the air and quickly slammed it against the shield.
The moment the Master’s Defender struck its surface, the Reflect Barrier exploded into a flurry of minuscule shards, only to disperse before they’d even hit the ground. Rather than be concerned by this, Palutena instead rushed forward, attempting to catch the Keyblade Master off guard while she was still preoccupied with landing. Using the Wolf Claws, she threw out an X-shaped slash to the chest-
CLANG!
“What?”
-only to meet Aqua’s Keyblade, but that wasn’t what confused her. That honor went to what the weapon was doing. It was floating in front of Aqua, almost as if suspended in midair, and both it and its wielder were now coated in an aura of light.
Pushing against the goddess’ gauntlet, Aqua forced the arm off her Keyblade with enough force to leave her briefly stumbling back. Then, using Spellweaver’s telekinetic abilities to her advantage, she commanded the Master’s Defender to begin striking the goddess. It first delivered an ascending slash that smacked Palutena across the face multiple times, causing her to reel back. Seeing this, Aqua briefly reeled her arm back, taking the Keyblade with her, before proceeding to just as quickly throw both of them forward. The ebony sword spun through the air, sending Palutena back even further before suddenly returning to Aqua in a flash of blue light. The Keyblade Master swiped her arm through the air, with her weapon reappearing and following her directions immediately. Numerous gashes began to appear on Palutena’s body as the Master’s Defender tore away at her body, its teeth cutting through her skin with each time they made contact. A diagonal, upward slash from Aqua only added to this agony, causing Palutena to step back as a fiery pain shot through her mind. At this point the only thing the green-haired victim wanted was for this combo to end, and it seemed her attacker had the same idea!
“Farewell!” Aqua declared as she pointed her Keyblade forward, firing off a white orb that slammed into Palutena and sent her flying through the air! A scream emerged from the goddess’ throat as she hurtled across the sea, only stopping when she slammed into the ground with a loud SPLASH!
The moment she felt something solid beneath her, the goddess placed her gauntlet-clad hands against the ground and pushed off, allowing her to backflip onto her feet as she continued skidding back. She then dug her Wolf Claws against the ground, creating a series of ripples as she slowed herself to a halt.
While returning to her feet, the goddess’ eyes widened as she noticed that Aqua was flying toward her at top speed, having already brought her Keyblade back to deliver a finishing blow. Instead of reacting in fear or attempting to brace herself for this seemingly impending doom, Palutena’s response was a sly smile. Seeing this caused Aqua to realize something was wrong, but by that point her Keyblade was already in mid-swing. The sword sailed toward Palutena’s neck…
Only for both it and its wielder to suddenly stop mid-flight, leaving them suspended in midair.
[Stop music]
Gritting her teeth, Aqua attempted to exert Spellweaver, just enough that she’d be able to force the Master’s Defender to deliver a killing blow. But much to her frustration, nothing happened. No matter how much she exerted herself, the Keyblade refused to budge an inch!
With her opponent now subdued, Palutena took a brief moment to use Health Recovery once again, sealing up several of the cuts and removing the bruises adorning her body. Now healed, if only slightly, the goddess of light rose back to her feet.
“Phew!” She sighed, stretching her arms and legs for a second before turning her attention back to the captive Aqua. “You know, you’re looking pretty stressed out there. Normally I’d suggest taking a dip in a hot spring to calm your nerves, but given how our current spot’s pretty… lacking, we might have to improvise a bit.” Materializing her staff once again, she continued by saying “I’ll just have you take a quick dip in the ocean. How’s that sound?” She asked jokingly. Realizing what her opponent was planning, Aqua opened her mouth in an attempt at protest, but this proved to be a poor choice as Palutena tapped her staff against the ground, forcing the captive mage into the gray abyss beneath her.
…
Falling.
That’s the best way Aqua could have described what she was going through right now.
The moment she entered the water, Aqua felt herself get pulled under its current, her body slowly sinking deeper into its depths. Palutena’s telekinetic grip cut off the moment she was submerged, and no matter how much she kicked or stroked her arms, Aqua only found herself descending further into darkness. Her vision was already going dark, and with each inch she sank another black spot appeared.
‘So this is it, then?’ She thought to herself bitterly. ‘I fight in vain for over a decade, only to meet my end fighting someone who naively believed they could save me?’
With this final thought, Aqua closed her eyes, fully prepared to accept her fate, but then-
Tap
She felt something hit her in the back. Eyes snapping open, she looked toward its direction and found herself staring into the soulless yellow eyes of a Shadow. Another tap caused her to turn and find a second Shadow. In fact, the bluenette quickly noticed that she seemed to be surrounded from all sides! Everywhere she looked, hundreds of yellow eyes stared back at her. For most Keyblade users, this would have been a troublesome sight, but Aqua was no ordinary Keyblade user. She stared at their eyes, noting how they seemed vacant, empty.
‘Are they… awaiting my orders?’ Aqua thought to herself. For a split-second, a flicker of a smile could be seen on the pessimistic woman’s face. ‘Alright, then. If they’re going to serve me, then I know just what to do first!’
Back on the surface, Palutena stared down at the pool’s surface in worry. It had been several seconds, but Aqua’s body still hadn’t broken the surface. Had she pushed her too far in? Was it possible to still get her out? Or-
Whatever Palutena’s next thoughts were going to be suddenly cut off as she noticed something bubbling to the surface. At first she thought it might be Aqua, but as it drew closer she could feel a massive wave of darkness emerging from… whatever that was. And given how large it seemed to be, it was safe to say the goddess didn’t want to stick around to find out what it was! With a quick use of Warp, the goddess rematerialized a safe distance from the entry point, and she was just in time!
Not even a second after she’d done so, a massive pitch-black pillar shot out from underground. This pillar soon solidified and spread apart to reveal that it was comprised of Heartless. To be more specific, Palutena noticed that it was made up of Shadows, the small imps she’d destroyed during her trip through the Corridor of Darkness. They were moving so quickly that she couldn’t count the exact number, and it seemed that there was no end to them!
‘But how could they have gathered here so quickly? Unless-‘
Whatever hypothesis Palutena was about to make became cut off as the Demon Tower slammed into her, sending the goddess flying back. As she saw the massive spiral extend outward, no doubt to consume her, Palutena’s only response was to leap back as she slashed through the air, firing off an X-shaped slash that burned through several rows of Shadows. Seeing this, the tower’s occupants shot toward Palutena at blinding speeds, seemingly intent on crushing her beneath their combined weight. Rather than be worried about this, however, she instead erected another shield around herself. The Shadows collapsed onto it-
THOOM!
Only to be repelled back by an equal, if not superior, force generated by the barrier. The thousands of Shadows were dispersed upon contact, leaving them defenseless, and Palutena was more than willing to capitalize on that!
“Super Speed!” She announced as she rushed forward, her feet moving so quickly that they couldn’t even be seen. With this new boost in speed, entire swaths of the yellow-eyed imps were reduced to wisps of smoke, either because the Wolf Claws had burned each one to death upon contact or from her boosted speed causing her to crush them underfoot. The goddess continued running in circles, clearing out several other rows, but it seemed that the collective consciousness was learning from their predecessors’ mistakes. Rather than continue trying to overpower her one-on-one, they began to join up once more, forming into a massive coil of darkness that lunged forward. Unfortunately, they would quickly realize what a horrible idea this was when they collided with the goddess, only for a man-sized hole to appear through their frame as Palutena’s Super Speed led her to ram into multiple Heartless and send them flying out.
Noticing the airborne creatures, Palutena wasted no time in firing off one charged shot, burning through each of the Shadows before she’d even hit the ground. Once she had hit the ground, Palutena looked back just in time to see the Demon Tower lunge toward her, forming into a giant maw ready to swallow her whole.
“Sorry, but goddess of light is not on the menu!” She said somewhat sternly as she activated one of her powers. At the same time, an entire portion of the Demon Tower had been blown away, causing the rest of it to begin collapsing onto the ground. The Shadows broke apart, but they proved quick to regain their bearings as they rushed toward Palutena, who was now sporting a light smirk as she flew toward the monsters.
“Heavenly Light!” She shouted as her body became surrounded herself in an aura of light. The moment she made contact with them, the Shadows that were closest to her became vaporized while the others split off, resulting in what could only be described as something akin to Moses parting the Red Sea. The Shadows were now split into two rows, and it seemed their dwindling numbers were starting to get to them. Their eyes were changing colors, going from yellow to a deep shade of red, and each one was starting to act more erratically. The two split paths then merged back into one, piling on top of each other to produce a red-and-black tornado.
This tornado briefly ascended into the air before proceeding to just as quickly come down on Palutena, who put up a barrier just as Heavenly Light had ended. The barrier appeared before her-
KRACKT!
Only to shatter as the Heartless proceeded to use themselves as a living battering ram! With their opponent now defenseless, the Demon Tower’s movements became more erratic as it corkscrewed through the air numerous times, slamming into its opponent at full force once.
THOOM!
Twice.
THOOM!
Three times.
THOOM!
Four times.
It then reeled back, no doubt to continue the combo, but it was during this time that Palutena had realized something: the Demon Tower was comprised of a seemingly endless supply of Shadows. And given how often they stuck together, it was safe to say that she could exploit this!
The Demon Tower prepared to spread itself out once more, but Palutena proved quick to react. Raising her arm into the air, she conjured up a massive pillar of light, causing the Demon Tower to reel back as its entire front row was burned away. It reeled back from the pain, but little did it know that its misfortune was about to become much worse.
“Watch this!” Palutena said tauntingly as she summoned her staff and raised it into the air. “Black hole!”
In tandem with these words, something seemed to open up from inside of the Demon Tower, and with it the living structure broke apart, unable to support its own weight. With the Shadows no longer obstructing it, one could see what had caused this damage. It was a black sphere, one coated in a purple aura that seemed to possess some sort of gravitational effect. No matter how hard the Shadows struggled, nor however many times they tried to reform into the Demon Tower, they all found themselves pulled back into the ebony maw.
As she watched this from afar, Palutena’s only response was to smirk before activating her next ability.
“And Mega Laser!” Once this command had escaped her lips, a massive, pink laser shot out from Palutena’s hands. It rocketed toward the former Demon Tower at faster-than-light speeds, and before they even knew what had happened, each one found itself vaporized by the massive beam.
[Stop music]
Once this beam had subsided, Palutena took a brief moment to admire her handiwork. The Mega Laser had completely vaporized the Demon Tower, and nothing was left for Aqua to- wait, Aqua!
Palutena’s eyes widened. She’d been so caught up in trying to get rid of the Demon Tower that she’d completely forgotten about its summoner. She scanned the area, searching for some sign that the Keyblade Master was still nearby. Her ears picked up the familiar sound of the portal emerging behind her, but as she turned to face it-
[If rooting for Palutena]
[If rooting for Aqua]
“Fall!” Aqua’s voice called out. At hearing this, Palutena noticed something was off. Instead of the voice coming from one angle, it seemed to be coming from all around her, almost as if there were multiple Aquas! Her surprise only grew when, rather than being hit with a single attack, she was hit in her blind spot by three rows of homing orbs. These balls of light slammed into the deity, causing her to grunt in pain as she stumbled forward. The moment they hit her, she noticed that, for whatever reason, these blasts seemed to be stronger than Aqua’s previous attacks. While the goddess wasn’t aware of it, the reason for this added power was because her opponent had replaced her Keyblade. Rather than the Master’s Defender, she had chosen to switch it out with another weapon: Brightcrest, the blue Keyblade from earlier.
At seeing Palutena’s reaction, Aqua grinned, which only grew wider as she noticed the deity’s grip on her Wolf Claws was now weakened. With this knowledge and the opportunity ripe for the taking, the mage chose to strike!
Using her teleportation, she reappeared in front of her divine adversary and gave an upward swing, hitting hard enough to break her guard and send her soaring through the air! Teleporting once again, this time the mage summoned three copies of herself, each one surrounding Palutena from all sides.
“It ends now!” All four declared as they raised their Keyblades into the air, performing pirouettes as they gathered energy into the tips. The energy began to grow into massive orbs of light, and from these orbs emerged numerous crystalline blades, all of which shot toward Palutena at blinding speeds! They exploded upon making contact, eliciting more grunts of pain from their victim as she was sent further into the air with each one. Once these blades had stopped appearing, Palutena began descending through the air, and that was when the Aquas decided to strike!
Keeping their Keyblades in the air, the Aquas forced spikes to emerge out of the balls. Then, once the goddess had entered their line of sight, they closed in! For a brief moment it seemed that she was about to be skewered by the spiked balls, but that was when something unexpected happened. A spherical barrier, one similar to Aqua’s own, suddenly surrounded Palutena. As a result, the spiked balls didn’t grind themselves against their intended target, but even then they were still managing to do a fine job.
With each second that passed, a horrible scraping sound would ring out as the spikes scraped against the barrier, and a crack would begin to form against the defense. It was slow at first, with a barely visible crack, but this would soon grow in size and frequency with each passing millisecond. With only five seconds of struggling, the shield had become covered with cracks and chips, and it seemed the shield would cave in at any second! Not helping matters was that each of the spiked orbs had begun glowing brighter, which Palutena immediately recognized wasn’t a good sign. As the orbs had reached the peak of their shine, Palutena spoke one word:
“Warp!”
As this word escaped her lips, the deity disappeared in a flash of light, and she proved to be just in time! Not even a millisecond had passed before the shield was shattered like glass and each crystal exploded into its own flash of magic, briefly coating the entire ocean in a blinding light! Several seconds later, this light had subsided, and with it Palutena had reappeared. She looked around to see that the area was unaffected by the explosion, but that didn’t change the fact that her opponent had managed to release an attack of that caliber.
‘And since she’s probably going to try something like this again, the only option I’ll have is to try and take her out before then. The only question is how. She’s pretty vicious, and with those clones I don’t think I could last for much longer. Then again…’ she paused for a brief moment and looked down at the Wolf Claws. Recalling her previous clashes, she came to a realization. ‘Given her reliance on magic, I should probably focus on using physical attacks. But since she seems to be figuring out the Wolf Claws…‘
She paused again, dismissing the Wolf Claws as she summoned forth a new weapon. It appeared to be some sort of sword, with silver armor coating its blade. The armor itself was adorned with blue and gold accents, resulting in a weapon that looked more like it belonged to her opponent.
‘Maybe it’s time to try beating her at her own game!’ Palutena finished as she grabbed hold of the First Blade and leapt toward Aqua, who had just hit the ground. Upon seeing the goddess charging toward her, First Blade already in mid-swing, the corrupted swordswoman proved quick to raise her Keyblade in defense.
CLANG!
The two weapons produced a quick clash of sparks upon their collision, with Aqua briefly stumbling back because of her attacker’s strength. Noticing this, Palutena swung the First Blade through the air, firing out a blast of energy that served to further stagger the Keyblade Master. While her adversary was still recovering, the deity attempted to follow up by delivering an upward slash to the chest, but Aqua seemed to have other ideas. Just when it seemed that the First Blade was about to send her into the air, a familiar portal consumed the mage.
Now knowing what to expect, Palutena waited for any sign of Aqua’s reappearance. This wouldn’t be long, as a purple void opened up several feet from her. Palutena braced herself in preparation for an attack, but this apprehension soon became confusion as Aqua walked right past her, not even bothering to use her Keyblade when she drew close to the goddess.
“Your persistence is impressive.” The mage admitted as she continued walking forward. Palutena opened her mouth to respond, but her words died in her throat as another portal emerged several feet away. From it emerged… another Aqua?
“But it doesn’t matter how hard you struggle.” The new Aqua declared as she continued walking in a straight line. A third portal opened up not long after, ejecting another copy onto the ocean surface!
“Try as much as you like, but no matter what you do…” the third Aqua cut herself off as a fourth portal emerged.
“You’ll only get to experience the pain and loneliness I’ve felt firsthand!” The final clone finished as she and the others continued walking in their respective directions. In a way, it was almost as if the four Aquas were slowly trying to box her in, but Palutena didn’t let this get to her. In fact, she was all too willing to take advantage of it! One of the copies began walking forward-
THWOOM!
Only to be struck head-on by a blast of energy from the First Blade. Rather than react to the hit, however, it suddenly vanished into thin air, causing Palutena to cock an eyebrow.
“Oh, relying on illusions, are we?” She asked. The moment she saw the other three begin approaching her, the goddess gave a brief chuckle as she activated three of her powers. “I’ll admit I’m impressed, but there’s just one problem: I can already tell where you are!”
Upon hearing this, Aqua’s eyes widened for a brief millisecond, only to quickly return to normal. Palutena had to be bluffing. There was no way she could’ve-
FWOOM!
A blast shot out from the First Blade, a decently-sized orb that slammed into Aqua- the real one- faster than she could react! The moment it made contact, her clones dissipated, causing Palutena to smirk as she leapt forward, firing off three more shots from the sword. As the pain faded from her system, Aqua looked back to her attacker and saw the three blasts that were coming toward her. She responded immediately, throwing her hands forward to erect another barrier, but she would soon realize the horrible mistake she’d just made. The shot flew into the barrier…
And quickly passed through it, almost as if the shield didn’t even exist! All Aqua could respond with was a confused “Wha-“ before the blast hit her. She grunted in pain, which would only increase when the other two blasts hit her. She looked back up at Palutena, intending to retaliate, but that was when her eyes widened in surprise! Whatever was in those blasts must have done something to her, as the mage found herself stumbling around the ocean uncontrollably, almost as if her body had a mind of its own! Gritting her teeth, she tried to aim Brightcrest at the goddess, but it was then that she realized doing so was almost impossible! For whatever reason, her arm would keep twitching and swinging in every possible direction. It was like her body had been injected with a gallon of caffeine! Fortunately, she had just the spell to get rid of it!
“Es-!”
“Cover your eyes!” Palutena shouted, cutting off Aqua’s declaration of ‘Esuna’ as she summoned a bright flash of light. The moment it appeared, Aqua’s utterance of the spell morphed halfway into a pained scream as her eyes were bombarded by the light. It was almost as if she was staring directly into the Sun! Even after the flash had faded away, Aqua still found her vision clouded by white, but even that was slowly fading away.
Unfortunately, this recovery wouldn’t occur fast enough for the mage, as Palutena suddenly rammed into her at top speed. The Keyblade Master attempted to regain focus, but her newfound blindness, when combined with her inability to aim, rendered these struggles moot. All she could do was experience more pain as Palutena repeatedly tackled her at top speed, emphasizing each impact with another slash from the First Blade. She could feel her body growing weaker, and while her vision was beginning to clear up, it still wasn’t acting fast enough! By now, her entire body was wracked with pain, sporting cuts and bruises across her entire frame, and she felt like she was about to lose consciousness at any second. But even with this pain overwhelming her, Aqua still forced herself to remain conscious. If she could survive in here for over a decade, she’d be able to survive this onslaught!
As these thoughts ran through her opponent’s head, Palutena had placed both feet against the ground before leaping toward Aqua once again. The moment she heard this sound, the still-blinded bluenette turned toward its direction, keeping her grip on Brightcrest as she prepared to declare the name of another spell. At the same time, Palutena activated one of her strongest powers, the one that would finally allow her to end this fight: Instant Death Attack. The goddess of light swung the First Blade as hard as she could, and as she felt the air pressure from her opponent’s arrival, Aqua activated her magic command!
“Stopga!” The Keyblade Master shouted as she raised her sword into the air, firing a white light from its tip. The moment it emerged, Palutena suddenly stopped mid-swing, her blade only inches from Aqua’s chest. Upon feeling the goddess stop her assault, Aqua gave a light smirk before using Brightcrest to activate two more commands.
“Esuna!” As this word escaped her lips, four balls of light shot into the air around her, only to quickly descend back onto the ground. In tandem with these movements, Aqua felt her sight finally return, while two waves exited out of her body. With her body now back under control, Aqua activated another command: “Heal!”
The Curaga activated, signified by a flower blooming above her head as an aura of petals surrounded her body. Now fully revitalized, she turned her attention back to the prone goddess and gave a pointed glare. Her eyes then drifted to the First Blade, the weapon that had come so close to ending her life. Her gaze hardened, and then, with a swing of Brightcrest-
SHATTER!
Her opponent’s weapon was split in two, with the top half collapsing onto the ground. Another upward swing disarmed the goddess of its other half, and before it had even hit the ground, Aqua began her retaliation!
Switching back to the Master’s Defender, she delivered a heavy, two-handed slash that struck Palutena across the chest.She followed up by throwing out two swift slashes to the face, striking hard enough that they likely would have staggered the deity had she been able to move. To end this combo, Aqua wreathed her Keyblade in flame and leapt forward.
“Heat Slash!” She shouted as she corkscrewed through the air, drilling into Palutena’s body with her fiery Keyblade. But even after this, Aqua still wasn’t finished! Pointing her Keyblade into the air, the mage then began gathering fire into its tip, conjuring up a massive ball of flame. No, calling it a ball of flame was incorrect. What she was creating seemed more akin to a miniature Sun, and from this fiery sphere emerged dozens of smaller bursts of flame that rocketed toward her adversary at faster-than-light speeds! Within only a few seconds, all of these fiery projectiles had slammed into Palutena. Coincidentally, just as the Firaga Burst had dispersed, both Palutena’s time stop and her activated powers had also run their course.
[Stop music]
Almost as if it were some sort of delayed reaction, once her movement returned to her, Palutena’s body began to register the pain inflicted on her. As she was sent skidding back, gashes appeared on her chest and face, while her skin became adorned with numerous burns.
‘Wha- what was that?’ She asked in surprise as she opened her mouth, unintentionally coughing up blood that stained the water beneath her a deep crimson. As she struggled to push herself back up, the goddess noticed a flash of light appear above her, and her eyes widened at what she saw.
Descending upon her from above was Aqua, who quickly flipped through the air and slammed onto Palutena’s back, sending her crashing into the ground. Coughing, she attempted to push herself back up, only for the Keyblade Master to crash down on her again. This repeated a third time. A fourth. By the fifth, the surrounding water beneath the deity had shot into the air, only to suddenly fall back into the sea. Once Aqua had come down for the sixth time, something odd happened. The moment she made impact, Palutena let out a pained scream as her body exploded into its own flash of light. These screams echoed across the Realm of Darkness, causing the various Heartless to look around in surprise, and it would soon fade into silence. Looking down at where her opponent had once laid, the corrupted mage soon rose back to her feet and began walking away.
“Good riddance.” She declared in annoyance. But despite what she believed, her fight wasn’t done just yet.
Though Aqua wasn’t aware of it, her opponent still lived, albeit thanks to a hasty last second decision. The moment she felt the tips of her opponent’s boots make contact with her back, Palutena had decided to take a gamble, and from the looks of things, it seemed to have paid off!
With the Keyblade Master’s back now facing her, Palutena began thinking of the various ways she could go about handling this. From what she’d experienced so far, the mage was more than capable of handling herself both up-close and in long-range. And with Aqua’s speed and teleporting, it was safe to say the goddess had no chance of trying to overwhelm her.
‘At this point, it might be best to try a stealth approach.’ She realized, though she mentally noted the slight problem that Playing Dead would only last for so long. There was also the fact that Aqua seemed to be quickly adapting to each of her weapons. ‘Unless-‘ Palutena’s eyes widened as she remembered something. There was one weapon in her arsenal, a technique so potent and unexpected that her opponent wouldn’t have a way to counter it! But her gaze soon turned sour as she remembered a slight detriment: she’d need to survive long enough if she wanted to use it.
‘Well, looks like I’ll just have to play my cards right and hope for the best.’ She thought optimistically as she summoned a new weapon. It was a gnarled, silver rifle with a jagged handle. Its two-pronged barrel was a deep blue, with a red jewel in its middle. The barrel itself seemed to be made of some sort of crystal, with the handle sharing similar structure. Unlike the barrel, the handle was purple and shaped like a deformed triangle, with one of its pointed ends jutting out unevenly.
Pointing the Lancer Staff forward, Palutena fired off a green, crystal-shaped blast that struck Aqua in the back, causing her to stumble forward. Gritting her teeth, the mage snapped her head back to the shot’s location and swung her blade, only to meet thin air. Three more blasts hit her blind spot, only adding to her growing irritation. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed another enormous crystal hurtling toward her and, while still trying to maintain a cool head, swiftly cartwheeled out of its range. Once she’d come to a stop, the mage began thinking.
‘Is this someone else, or did she manage to trick me?’ A small trace of a smirk emerged on her face as she continued with ‘Well, whoever you are, you’re in for a rude awakening!’
“Go!” She shouted, raising the Master’s Defender into the air as she conjured up a straight line of light green circles sporting gold-and-red outlines. Though she was somewhat confused by this, Palutena continued her plan as she took a few steps forward, each one accompanied by another shot from her staff. Unlike before, this time Aqua seemed to be prepared, as she quickly turned around and raised her Keyblade in defense. The projectiles soon met the flat of her blade, and once they had dispersed, Aqua smirked.
“Found you!” She declared as she threw her Keyblade at the invisible goddess, chucking it hard enough that it spun through the air numerous times. Instead of being concerned, however, Palutena only responded by activating Sky Jump, causing her to take an enormous leap through the air as the Master’s Defender sailed right past her. Upon landing, Palutena noticed something run toward her current position, but before she could attempt to fire at it-
BOOM!
It exploded, launching her back several feet. Before she even had a chance to recover, Aqua’s Keyblade slammed itself into Palutena’s back, eliciting a grunt of pain as she was forced to stumble forward. Sensing these movements, 2 of the remaining 3 mines began moving forward, but this time the goddess was ready! Pointing the Lancer Staff at one of the explosives, she fired off a charge shot. The blast made contact almost immediately, resulting in a loud BOOM as its target detonated prematurely. This result would then extend itself to the next mine, which suffered the same fate. Another shot was fired at the final explosive laying to Aqua’s right, causing it to burst into nothingness.
Before Aqua even had a chance to comprehend this, several projectiles slammed into her, all from different angles. Looking around, she began searching for any sign of her attacker. While on this search, another projectile struck her in the chest, but that was when she noticed something odd: the attack seemed to be invisible! Realizing this could only mean one thing, Aqua teleported away, this time just as three more shots had flown toward her.
“Trying to trick me with invisibility? If I was still able to feel it, I’d be impressed.” Aqua admitted upon rematerializing. “But it doesn’t matter how good you are at hiding or where you move, because I can still flush you out!”
Once these words had escaped her lips, the mage began gracefully spinning around, starting off in a crouching position as hundreds of rapidly-fired blasts of light emerged from her body. The moment these projectiles emerged from Aqua’s body, they immediately homed in on Palutena. Seeing this onslaught, the goddess of light gave a single command:
“Reflect!”
Much like before, a red barrier erected itself in front of her, and it was doing a decent job. Any projectiles that struck the shield bounced off, intercepting another of its ilk and canceling them out, but these proved to be few and far between. Almost as if she had predicted her opponent’s actions, Aqua’s position rose higher, turning into a pirouette. In tandem with this, the balls of light also rose through the air, causing each one to begin flying around the shield and intercepting their lone target. Not helping matters was that the orbs that did hit the barrier were starting to wear down its integrity. Small cracks were beginning to appear on its surface, almost like a car window being constantly pelted with rocks, and these cracks were rapidly spreading throughout the barrier. Palutena didn’t even have the time to use her final Warp; in fact, she couldn’t even try another means of escape. Once the barrier had exploded, the remaining light projectiles- which were now in the thousands- slammed into her simultaneously, eliciting a pained scream from the deity as each ball exploded into a massive flash of white! The blinding light lasted for roughly three seconds, but once it had faded Palutena collapsed onto the ground.
‘Just another minute and it’ll be done.’ she thought sluggishly as pain wracked her body. Propping herself up on one knee, the goddess of light began pushing herself back up, though the fight was clearly taking its toll on her stamina. ‘I just… need… to last…’
Before she could finish these thoughts, pain flared through her once more, causing her to audibly collapse onto the ground. Noticing this, as well as the ripples from her opponent’s collision, Aqua lunged at the goddess, but just as she’d started to swing her blade-
FWING!
Palutena had managed to activate the Power of Flight, causing Aqua to hit thin air as her former target began soaring through the skies. While she ascended into the air, the goddess of light switched out her weapon once again. This time she held in her hands a massive bow. Its limbs were curved and silver, sporting razor-sharp edges on their tips and pink armor around the limbs themselves. Its grip was pitch-black, and there seemed to be no string. Or at least that’s what it seemed.
Pulling her left arm back, a drawstring suddenly appeared in Palutena’s hand, with an arrow-shaped bolt suddenly appearing between the string and grip. The moment she let it fly, the arrow turned red and homed in on Aqua, making direct contact and forcing her to stagger back. As she regained focus, the brainwashed mage began keeping her ears focused, waiting for the moment she heard any suspicious noises. The sound of three arrows being fired quickly alerted her, and it was then that she decided to act.
After cartwheeling past each of the projectiles, Aqua threw herself to the side once again, this time just barely avoiding being grazed by another oncoming shot. Once it had faded, she leapt through the air to dodge yet another blast.
“Looks like you’re having some trouble there!” Palutena called out, taunting her. “Would it help if I came down to your level?”
“I appreciate the offer, but-“ Aqua paused as she switched Keyblades. For a brief moment she held Stormfall, a navy blue sword with a black handle and a rectangular frame sporting four teeth, but this changed with a sudden flash of light. Now she stood with her feet atop two silver pieces that were connected to on elongated version of the Keyblade’s frame. Jutting out of this frame’s middle was a silver cone-shaped extension that resembled some sort of medieval lance. She sat on the lower half of the sword’s hilt, which had morphed into a seat, while the top half currently lay in her grasp as a massive bow.
With her Keyblade Glider materialized, Aqua pressed her hand against her shoulder pad, coating her entire body in a suit of blue and black armor. Now that she’d been granted the protection of her Keyblade Armor, the mage soared after her adversary and continued by saying “I’d rather meet you at yours!”
[Loop if it ends before the “Stop music” message]
As her opponent drew closer to her, Palutena responded by firing a charge shot, but Aqua proved quick to respond as she swerved to the left. Undeterred, the goddess fired off three more shots, all of them hurtling toward her armored opponent, but this would meet the same result. Once the third had flown past her, Aqua got up from her seat and tilted the bow, using her left hand to hold it still while her right pulled back its nigh-invisible drawstring. Then, with inhumanly fast speed, she fired off several blasts of her own, each one rocketing toward Palutena so quickly that she barely had any time to react to them. The keyword was barely.
Although it was somewhat difficult for her to do so, Palutena was managing to either dodge or weave through each of the Wing Arrows. Each time they’d approach her, she would twist her body at enough of an angle that they’d miss her entirely while also letting her to get some of her own shots in. Unfortunately, she seemed to have underestimated her opponent’s speed, as each of the Fortune Bow’s arrows would either be avoided entirely or meet the flat of Aqua’s bow.
Realizing they were getting nowhere fast, both women responded to the situation differently. Aqua began pushing the acceleration on her glider, forcing it to boost toward the goddess at dangerously fast speeds. With how fast she was going, it was likely the spearhead on her lower half would run Palutena through before she could even comprehend it! And it was this fact that made the deity’s response all the more confusing.
Rather than aiming at the speeding aircraft in an attempt to throw her off course, as she had expected, Aqua found herself witnessing an extremely odd sight. The goddess of light had instead pointed the Fortune Bow upward, notching the drawstring back as a green, arrow-shaped bolt of energy appeared before her. Once it had been summoned, she fired the projectile into the air, causing a small green light to begin ascending into the otherwise dull gray sky. Though this action left Aqua perplexed, what happened next caused her expression to become one of visible surprise. The single arrow suddenly split off, morphing into countless copies that began raining down from the heavens, all intent on running through one target: her.
As she watched the rain of arrows approach her, Aqua’s only response was to steel her gaze as she continued to push forward. A determined shout emerged from her mouth as she erected a barrier before herself, summoning it just as the arrows slammed into her! Each arrow that made contact with the barrier immediately bounced off, though they were still leaving their mark. Cracks were rapidly spreading across the barrier’s surface, and Aqua, noticing this, responded by pushing her feet down as far as they could go! An audible KRACKT rang out as the barrier shattered, leaving the remaining arrows to batter the mage’s body. Even with the protection of her Keyblade Armor, Aqua still found herself grimacing in pain as each shot left a mild stinging sensation, but she forced herself to continue pushing forward. Another determined cry rang out from the Keyblade Master’s throat as she boosted through the onslaught, ignoring the pain of the arrows until finally-
FWOOM!
Like a bat out of hell, she shot out from the barrage of arrows, forcing the jet boosters on her glider to go into overdrive as she finally broke through the surface! Now free from the constant pain, she began looking around the arena, only to notice Palutena attempting to gain distance with the Power of Flight. Upon seeing this, Aqua raised an eyebrow.
‘So after all of that, she’s started retreating?’ She thought skeptically. ‘Why? She doesn’t have anywhere to hide this time.’
As these thoughts ran through her head, Aqua began boosting forward, all the while firing shots at the retreating deity. As her enhanced senses picked this up, Palutena once again began dodging the various projectiles, this time from behind, and looked toward her attacker with a smirk.
“It looks like someone needs to work on their aim!” The goddess taunted. “At this point I could probably dodge these in my sleep.”
Upon hearing this, Aqua grit her teeth. She was really getting tired of her opponent’s lip service, and at this point the only thing on her mind was getting Palutena to shut her mouth! In tandem with these rage-fueled thoughts, the Keyblade Glider suddenly boosted toward Palutena at unimaginable speeds! It was moving so quickly that the deity’s cocky smirk became a look of shock as she just barely managed to swerve to the side. Despite avoiding impalement from the spearhead, however, she still found herself letting out a cry of pain as the weapon grazed her side.
Looking down, she noticed a sizable cut on her skin, though the pain from her previous injuries made it harder to make it out. Her vision was starting to blur and black spots were beginning to dance in her eyes, but she proved quick to rectify this as she activated her final Health Recovery.
With her wounds now patched up, Palutena looked back up at the Keyblade Glider, which she noticed was rushing toward her once again! Desperate to survive the attack, the goddess of light spoke one word:
“Counter!”
Realizing what this meant, Aqua attempted to stop her glider’s descent, but she was too late. The vehicle slammed into Palutena’s body-
THWACK!
Only for her to respond by striking its front with the Fortune Bow, which she had split into two blades. The moment they struck, Aqua found herself descending back toward the ground, and it was during this time that Palutena began thinking.
‘If I hadn’t countered that last attack, she probably would’ve been able to finish me off right then!’ She thought to herself. ‘And given the anger I’m getting off of her, I’ll need to end this now before she has another chance like that!’
With this thought in mind, Palutena replaced her weapon, exchanging the Fortune Bow for her staff. While this was occurring, Aqua had only just recovered, and as she prepared to bring her bow up to face-level, the goddess said something to her.
“I’ll give you this, Aqua. You’re strong, probably moreso than any other mortal I’ve met.” She admitted as a blue light began gathering from above. “But I don’t think even you can survive something like this! Now, witness the full power of…”
The energy had just hit its peak, and as it was seconds away from activating, Palutena revealed its name.
“The Palutena Glam Blaster!”
[Stop music]
Once these words had escaped her lips, the energy fired itself out of the sky, forming into a massive beam that threatened to engulf the entire beach. Aqua stared up at it in shock for a brief moment, but this soon faded, being replaced by a hardened glare as she waved a hand in front of herself. A blue-and-purple line of energy briefly sparked across the ocean beneath her, followed soon after by the line erupting into another of the mage’s barriers. Though unlike the previous ones, this barrier had a major difference, as it now encompassed a most of the sea and even some of the shoreline. The moment this massive shield became erected, it met the Palutena Glam Blaster at full force, and from there it became a struggle for supremacy.
In a manner similar to the shield and spear paradox, the building-sized laser collided against the similarly built defense, with neither one making the other budge. The barrier would slowly grow in size to defend its master, but the Glam Blaster would counter this as its creator poured more power into it, stifling the defense’s growth. Aqua would then respond in kind, resulting in what amounted to an unending stalemate as neither side managed to overpower the other.
Or at least that’s what it seemed.
Though it was hard to tell at first, small cracks were beginning to spread across the barrier’s surface, much like what had happened earlier with Palutena’s own. Realizing this, Aqua prepared to teleport herself away, but just before she could-
The barrier gave way, breaking into hundreds of pieces as the laser came down on Aqua. Even with her Keyblade Armor, she could still feel the massive beam burn away at her body. In fact, the power behind it was enough that she screamed, both from the pain and a sudden boost of adrenaline that had entered into her system. She began pushing as hard as she could, trying to focus enough that she could teleport away, but at the same time she began to notice the laser’s energy slowly growing brighter. Realizing this could only mean one thing, Aqua’s scream of exertion only grew further as she began pushing herself. A purple vortex emerged behind her, but at the same time the energy from the beam had faded into a blinding white.
[Stop music]
For a brief moment all seemed silent throughout the Realm of Darkness. Nothing moved, nor did any of its inhabitants speak. All that could be heard, if anything, was a blank white noise. This would change as the excess energy from the Palutena Glam Blaster faded from existence, revealing the damages it had caused.
For starters, the massive portion of ocean it had struck was now reduced to a crater the size of a city block, with steam rising off its edges as the surrounding water attempted to fill the newly created void. Additionally, the beam’s heat had caused several feet of the shoreline to form into glass, creating a wall of jagged spikes that stuck out at various angles.
As she watched the ocean begin consuming the newfound hole, submerging it in the same gray water as everything else, Palutena began looking around the area for some sign that Aqua had been caught in the blast. Given her opponent’s previous uses of teleporting, it was safe to assume she could’ve escaped in time, and if she did, then she could very well be hiding. The goddess of light kept her guard up, though she knew that at this point there wasn’t much left she could do if Aqua did survive. Using the Palutena Glam Blaster had left her heavily exhausted, as her ragged breathing could attest to, and her body was starting to ache from the exertion. Her knees buckled, and the goddess soon found herself collapsing onto them, panting heavily as she placed one hand against the ground. She attempted to push herself back up, but then-
SCHLICK!
A sharp pain suddenly shot through Palutena’s mind, causing her eyes to shrink as she let out a strangled gasp. Sticking out of her body was a large purple spike that had become embedded in her stomach. Though she could still feel the pain, Palutena looked up to find the culprit responsible: it was Aqua, still sporting her Keyblade Armor, though its frame was now adorned with numerous scuffs and burn marks. She was no longer wearing her helmet, allowing the goddess of light to stare back at her attacker’s hateful, angered glare.
“How- how did you-“ Palutena began to ask, only to cut herself off as she involuntarily coughed up blood.
“Survive?” The Keyblade Master finished. “Only thanks to this.” She gestured to the armor. “If I hadn’t put it on, that Glam Blaster of yours might’ve actually been able to kill me. But since it didn’t…” she looked her opponent in the eye before continuing with “it looks like I’ll be the one finishing you!”
Before Palutena could give a response, her opponent suddenly vanished, only to return in a flash of light as she jammed a second spike into the left side of deity’s rib cage. Another flash, and this time a third impaled her through the cage’s back end. A fourth spike lodged itself in her back, followed by a fifth and sixth that became embedded in the right side of her ribs. A seventh was jammed into the front, and then to deliver the coup de grace, Aqua shoved the final spike into Palutena’s abs once again, this one appearing right next to the original. Once it had made contact, Aqua teleported back to her original position, though this time her back was facing Palutena. She swung her Keyblade through the air, and in tandem with this seemingly minute gesture-
BOOM!
The spikes of energy exploded into a massive shockwave, taking Palutena with them as her dying screams echoed throughout the area. Remembering the last time something like this had happened, Aqua kept her guard up, waiting to see if her opponent was faking her death once again. She stood still for five seconds in search of a sign, and when it didn’t come she dismissed her Keyblade. Even though she knew her former opponent likely couldn’t hear her, Aqua still chose to give her some parting words.
“You fought well, even if it was a lost cause. I’ve been trapped here for over a decade, and nothing will ever change that. Still,” she looked back at where Palutena had once stood, “even if it was for a brief moment, you did manage to stir up that sense of hope I abandoned not too long ago.”
After these words had escaped her lips, Aqua looked ahead and began trudging forward, ready to continue her unending trek through the Realm of Darkness.
—
Well, that got pretty dark near the end. Uh… anyway…
When it came to physicality, it’s safe to say that Aqua had Palutena heavily outclassed. Although Palutena herself doesn’t have that many feats of her own, scaling her to her servant, Pit, would actually give her some pretty impressive stats. Pit has been shown to be capable of harming Hades, who was able to create, maintain, and violently shake a dimension filled with multiple stars, which would come out at Multi-Solar System Level. Given that Pit was able to defeat Hades, and Palutena should be comparable if not superior to him, it’s safe to say she should scale to this. Further evidence supporting this can be seen with how she aided in Hades’ defeat by using her energy to charge the cannon for the Great Sacred Treasure, which was the weapon ultimately responsible for killing him. How does Aqua compare to this?
Outside of actually having more concrete feats of strength and durability, she’s also got Palutena’s number when it comes to scaling. Due to being a Keyblade Master, she is on par with other Keyblade wielders like Terra. A possessed Terra was strong enough to force Donald Duck to use his full power against him. Keep in mind that Donald has been shown to contend with Xehanort, who at the time wielded both the true χ-blade and Kingdom Hearts. When he wielded these, Xehanort intended to use them to reset the universe. Given Aqua’s status as a Keyblade Master, she would also be superior to the likes of Donald and Goofy, who were both able to fight this amped Xehanort without the need of any power-ups; which would put them, and by extension Aqua, at Universe Level.
In short, Palutena gets completely destroyed in strength and durability, but what about speed? Once again, Palutena’s feats in this department come from fighting (as well as scaling to) Pit, who was able to fly to the other end of the solar system in seconds, which would put both him and Palutena herself at 1.8 million times the speed of light. Similarly, Aqua’s best feat would come from keeping up with Sora in battle. Sora in turn is comparable to his Nobody, Roxas, who could fly from Radiant Garden to the Skein of Severance in a matter of seconds. This puts Sora (and by extension, Aqua) at over 66 million times the speed of light, well above anything Palutena has under her belt.
Similarly, Aqua also takes experience. While Palutena’s definitely the older of the two, the amount of times she’s actually fought someone can be counted on one hand. There’s the time she battled Pit while possessed by the Chaos Kin, and when she fought a group of sentient vegetables. By contrast, Aqua’s spent her years fighting against various threats such as the Unversed, the Heartless, other Keyblade wielders, Maleficent, Hades, and she’s even defeated her own clone three times. Intelligence, on the other hand, is a bit harder to determine. Palutena’s demonstrated the ability to come up with impressive strategies and deduce an opponent’s weaknesses, while Aqua’s mastery of swordsmanship and magic would prove more beneficial in combat. It’s hard to say who has a definite advantage here, so I’ll just list this part as a tie.
Then there’s the matter of their weapons. Palutena’s staff, Wolf Claws, Fortune Bow, Lancer Staff, and First Blade gave her an edge in variety, but there’s just one problem: outside of the first two, she’s never shown the ability to use them in a fight since her combat experience, as mentioned above, is limited to just two fights. By contrast, Aqua’s always shown expertise in using her Keyblades to fight in both close-quarters and long-range. There’s also the fact that each item in her arsenal gave her some sort of advantage over Palutena. Destiny’s Embrace could let her deal more critical hits, Brightcrest boosted her magic, the Master’s Defender boosted the strength of her attacks and could let her restrain Palutena in chains, the Keyblade Armor provided better protection, and the Keyblade Glider gave her better long-range options in addition to better mobility.
When it came to powers, both had some impressive abilities and shared the power of teleportation, but Aqua’s magic gave her a massive edge in both range and versatility. She could defend herself with barriers (as well as inflict various status effects on Palutena), use the elements to attack Palutena, render the goddess helpless by removing gravity or freezing her in time, draw her back in if she tried to escape, and Aqua could even heal herself or cure any status effects inflicted on her. The Command Styles only further this advantage, as they grant her more versatility in fighting styles and make her more unpredictable. That’s not to say Palutena didn’t have her own advantages here, though.
Going by the powers Palutena herself has, she could use her ability to create barriers to defend herself, restrain Aqua with telekinesis, or summon the Palutena Glam Blaster to blow Aqua to kingdom come. Then there are the in-game powers that Palutena herself created. Her various healing options could counter Aqua’s own, Super Speed and Lightweight let her lessen the speed gap, Eggplant and Tempura Attack would temporarily leave Aqua unable to fight back, and she could grow stronger by using Libra Sponge or Power Charge. Finally, powers like Interference and Playing Dead would also serve to make Aqua’s fight more difficult in their own ways. Unfortunately for Palutena, there are several problems that prevent her from using any of them:
-The stat gap is so massive that Aqua could easily blitz and one-shot her before she even thinks of using any of her powers -Each of the in-game powers have a limited number of uses -Her playful personality and refusal to take situations seriously meant she wouldn’t prioritize using her haxxier powers -Barriers could be easily shattered -Soul Manipulation is countered by the Keyblade Armor, which is designed to protect users from attacks that target their heart and soul -The various status-inducing attacks could be cured by Esuna, assuming they hit Aqua at all -Instant Death Attack likely wouldn’t work due to its low chance of activating -Interference could remove Aqua’s powers, but she can easily destroy the tower or just move out of its range -Her various defensive buffs would only delay the inevitable -Palutena Glam Blaster requires a long time to charge, and even if she managed to fire it Aqua could negate it with her barriers
Finally, there’s Aqua’s transformation: Anti-Aqua. While it’s only available through certain circumstances, it still gives Aqua a fair number of advantages. With it, she could teleport freely along the battlefield, summon clones to boost her attacks or psyche Palutena out, and she could create Demon Towers to overwhelm the deity through sheer numbers. And while Palutena’s light manipulation meant she could easily take out several of the tower’s Shadows, the several hundred or so still alive could easily gang up on her or try to devour her.
To sum it up, Palutena had comparable intellect and more varied weaponry, but Aqua took this due to her massive edge in the stat trinity, larger arsenal, more versatile magic, and a potential numbers advantage.
Palutena was a tough warrior in her own right, but Aqua was the one who held the KEY to victory!
The winner is Aqua.
Aqua (Winner) + Massive edge in the stat trinity + More experienced + Larger arsenal + Keyblade Armor and barriers gave her better defenses, with the former also protecting her from Palutena’s Soul Manipulation + Keyblade Glider gave her better mobility + Magic gave her better versatility + Didn’t have a limit to how many times she could use her powers + Command Styles granted her more versatile fighting styles + Anti-Aqua gave her an advantage in numbers + Esuna could cancel out Palutena’s status-inducing attacks + Would take the fight seriously from the start = Intelligence – Eggplant Attack and Tempura Attack could temporarily render her incapable of fighting + But that’s assuming they’d be able to hit her – Interference could cancel out her powers + But she could easily destroy the tower, move out of its range, or blitz Palutena before it’s ever summoned – Instant Death Attack could kill her + But her massive speed advantage and its low chance of activation make this unlikely to occur – Palutena Glam Blaster could do some serious damage to her + But that’s assuming it charges in time, and that she doesn’t counter it with her defensive options
Palutena (Loser) + Light Manipulation would prove effective against Anti-Aqua and her Demon Towers + Larger variety of weapons – But she lacks experience using most of them + Could briefly make herself stronger with Libra Sponge, Energy Charge, and Trade-Off – Though the massive speed gap means that the latter two would be useless and detrimental, respectively + Super Speed, Lightweight, and Virus can temporarily lessen the speed gap – But Lightweight would also double the damage she receives + Larger amount of healing options + Eggplant Attack and Tempura Attack could temporarily render Aqua incapable of fighting – But that’s assuming they’d hit her + Could cancel out Aqua’s powers with Interference – But Aqua has several ways to get around it + Instant Death Attack could kill Aqua – But this isn’t likely to occur given the speed gap and its low chance of activation + Palutena Glam Blaster’s wide AOE and massive firepower meant it could seriously damage Aqua – But it requires time to charge, which Palutena wouldn’t be able to get = Intelligence – Heavily outclassed in the stat trinity – Powers had a limited number of uses – Far slower – Less experienced – Smaller arsenal – Inferior defensive options – Less mobile – Less versatile arsenal and fighting style – Wouldn’t take the fight seriously, which prevented her from utilizing her haxxier powers – Demon Towers could likely wear her down due to their numbers – Esuna canceled out her status-inducing attacks – Keyblade Armor rendered her Soul Manipulation useless, though that’s assuming she’d even use it
When it comes to teams, there are usually a few roles that need to be filled out: the calm and collected leader, the strategic and analytical brains, and the meatheaded muscle. But sometimes the teams need the equivalent of a mother figure, either because they’d be at each other’s throats without them, or because they just need some support; and that’s where these two come in.
Palutena, the goddess of light.
And Aqua, the blue-haired mage of the Wayfinder Trio.
I’m Br3ndan5, and I’ll be analyzing their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
Thanks to ThatGuyImortal for the Palutena bio.
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Palutena Age: Don’t ask… Appears to be in her early to mid-20’s Height: 5’10” Weight: Unknown Occupation: Goddess of Light First Appearance: Kid Icarus (December 19, 1986) -Always has food on the mind Theme:
Feats: -Resisted the Chaos Kin’s mind control for several years -Leads an army of Centurions -Was able to telekinetically move islands -Turned Pit into a ring -Defeated a giant vegetable monster
Long ago, the heavenly realm of Angel Land was once ruled by two goddesses: Palutena, the goddess of light, and Medusa, goddess of darkness. While they originally ruled with benevolent intentions, Medusa would eventually grow hateful toward humanity and decided to start killing them out of spite. Enraged by this, Palutena responded by placing a curse that turned Medusa into a hideous monster and cast her into the pits of the Underworld.
Unbeknownst to the green-haired goddess, Medusa would wind up taking over the Underworld and using its army to attack Palutena’s home realm of Skyworld, murder all of the goddess’ army, take control over all of Angel Land, and imprison Palutena in a palace. In a last-ditch attempt to stop Medusa, Palutena crafted a bow using the last of her magic energy and sent it to Pit, a young angel who had found himself trapped in the Underworld. With his weapon in hand, Pit gathered up the Three Sacred Treasures, the only weapons capable of stopping Medusa, and used them to slay the dark goddess. Once that was done, he freed Palutena from her prison, and she thanked him by promoting him to captain of her royal guard.
25 years later, Medusa would be resurrected by Hades, god of the Underworld, which she celebrated by wreaking havoc on humanity once again. In response, Palutena would serve as mission control while sending Pit out to wipe out the goddess’ forces, regather the Three Sacred Treasures, and kill her a second time.
Strength: -Scaling to Pit, she should be Island Level to possibly Star Level at minimum and Multi-Solar System at maximum -The latter comes from Hades, who created, maintained, and shook a dimension with visible stars in it, and in the final battle, Pit was able to damage Hades. During their fight, Palutena’s assistance allowed for Hades to finally be defeated, and she should be above Pit normally -Pseudo-Palutena, a much weaker clone of her, was able to hurt Pit
Speed: -Scaling to Pit, MFTL+, or more specifically, 1.8 million times the speed of light -Constantly keeps track of Pit when on missions, and kept up with him when they fought later on in Uprising, even if she was weakened -Lightweight can further boost her speed -Super Speed allows her to move fast enough to disrupt enemies
Durability: -Scaling to her DC, Island to Star Level at minimum, and Multi Solar System at maximum -While under the influence of the Chaos Kin, took attacks from Pit without much issue -Survived being impaled and having her soul ripped out -On that note, appears to have some sort of resistance to Soul Manipulation, as it took the Chaos Kin years to take control of her -Was only annoyed after an oven exploded in front of her at point-blank range
Intelligence: -One of the smartest characters in the entire series -Has a vast supply of knowledge on characters from other franchises -Able to deduce an opponent’s weaknesses in a matter of minutes
Weapons and Equipment:
Staff: -Used for bludgeoning -Can channel several of her powers through it -Has shown the ability to levitate it in place or within her hand -Apparently also uses it for pole dancing
Shield: -Worn on her left arm -Can use it to block and reflect attacks -Grants her brief invulnerability if used at the right time
Wolf Claws: -A weapon used by Pit in Kid Icarus Uprising -Used to fight off a group of evil, sentient vegetables in “Palutena’s Revolting Dinner” -While wearing them, she gains a drastic boost in speed -Its strikes have a chance of lighting opponents on fire, dealing additional damage -Its charged shots possess homing properties
Fortune Bow: -Seen near her in “Palutena’s Revolting Dinner” -Fires small, fast homing shots that increase in power when fired from a long distance -Never used by Palutena herself, though it’s implied she can use it
First Blade: -Seen near her in “Palutena’s Revolting Dinner” –Is a well-balanced weapon meant for beginners, meaning it has no particular strengths or weaknesses -Never used by Palutena herself, though it’s implied she can use it
Lancer Staff: -Seen near her in “Palutena’s Revolting Dinner” -Charges quickly, though its shots move extremely slow -At its strongest when fired at close range -Never used by Palutena herself, though it’s implied she can use it
Powers and Abilities:
Fourth Wall Awareness: -Knows she is inside a video game -Not afraid to break the fourth wall -Also very knowledgeable on a great number of other video game series, including ones not from Nintendo
Enhanced Sense of Hearing: -Heard Dark Pit drop in behind her -Heard the ground shaking before a volcano erupted -Is able to hear Pit from anywhere
(Roughly 20:35 in the video)
Astral Projection: -As seen in Chapter 18 of Kid Icarus Uprising, can create a projection of herself in the sky
(Roughly 20:40 in the video)
Telekinesis: -Also shown in Chapter 18, Palutena launched islands towards Pit in an attempt to knock him out of the sky -Can also possibly use this to levitate and fly
Forcefield Creation: -In Chapter 18 of Kid Icarus Uprising, has shown that her temple is surrounded by a powerful forcefield that only the Lightning Chariot could break through
Transmutation/Soul Manipulation: -While never shown on screen, she was the one who sealed Pit’s soul into a ring -Using a curse, turned Medusa into a monster -Also, in the original Kid Icarus game, had the ability to turn Pit into a Specknose in the game’s worst ending
Light Manipulation: -While never really shown in her original games, Palutena has shown to create light-based attacks in Smash -Can create and launch a large beam of light out of the ground and into the sky -Can create a set of wings to physically assault her foes
Palutena Glam Blaster: -Also called the “Sacred Goddess Clobberlaser” -A powerful beam that requires some time to charge -Strong enough to obliterate the Hewdraw
Palutena Super Sensor: -Summons green arrows for Pit so he knows where to go
Poor You: -Summons a halo that chases after her opponent
Cover Your Eyes: -Creates a bright flash to blind her foe
This Might Sting: -Strikes the opponent at high speeds -More or less a full fledged tackle
The Power of Weak-Point Exposure: -Lets Palutena find out an enemy’s weaknesses -Allows her to turn the tide in a battle
Kneel Before Me: -Shoots 3 projectiles towards the opponent
Time for a Sacrifice: -Sends a giant ball of energy that homes in on her targets
Telepathy: -Can read minds with ease -Allows her to communicate with others
Power of Caging: -Summons cages of various sizes to trap foes
In-Game Powers:
Note: While never shown to be using most of these, it is stated that Palutena herself has created the powers that she lends to Pit, and her showing off the use of a few should be enough justification that she can use them all.
Sky Jump: -Lets Palutena jump really high
Jump Glide: -Palutena leaps into the air and glides across a large distance before landing -Also gives her a slower descent
-Has no offensive capabilities
Rocket Jump: -Palutena jumps up high into the sky, leaving an explosion where she took off -Not named after the technique in TF2
Angelic Missile: -Palutena rockets towards the nearest enemy and slams into them -If there are no enemies around, she’ll rocket off in the direction she’s currently facing
Super Speed: -Doubles Palutena’s speed for a short while
-While activated, she runs around the arena, unable to stop
-Can ram into opponents while this is active
Warp:
-Palutena teleports to another part of the battlefield
Idol Transformation: -Turns weaker enemies into Idols, AKA Trophies
Mega Laser: -Summons a humongous laser, vaporizing whatever’s in its path -One of her more devastating power-ups, as it’s used in conjunction with Black Hole for her Final Smash in Super Smash Bros
Explosive Flame:
-Palutena summons a short-range explosion near herself
Black Hole: -A black hole is created which sucks enemies towards it, keeping them trapped in place -Doesn’t actually rip things apart, just keeps opponents close to its center of gravity until it disappears -Used by Palutena in conjunction with Mega Laser
Meteor Shower: -A swarm of energy blasts rains down from the sky, exploding upon impact with the ground
Land Mine: -Places an invisible explosive on the ground and detonates when an enemy gets near
Reflect Barrier: -Creates a barrier in front of Palutena that reflects all projectiles thrown at it -Will shatter if it reflects a projectile of too much power, and can be bypassed by just walking through it -In Smash Ultimate, Palutena uses this in conjunction with her counter
Heavenly Light:
-A magical light surrounds Palutena and damages nearby enemies without them flinching -The damage it inflicts will increase as time goes on
-Is able to bypass shields
Spite: -A suicide bomb of sorts where Palutena uses the last of her health and lets loose an explosion based on how much health she had -Is at its greatest if she has full health, though that would be a dumb thing to do
The following are passive abilities that wear off after a while:
Autoreticle: -Automatically puts Palutena’s cursor on her foe -Doesn’t give a lock-on, just better accuracy for shots
Weak-Point Reticle: -Basically the same as above but targets the enemy’s weak spots
Quick Charge: -Allows charged shots to charge twice as fast
Homing Boost: -Increases the homing ability of Palutena’s ranged shots
Slip Shot: -Makes all of Palutena’s ranged attacks pass through walls
Random Effect: -After inflicting damage on an enemy, they will suffer one of the below effects
Poison Attack: -Upon inflicting damage onto a foe, has a chance to poison them, doing gradual damage over time
Paralyze Attack: -When hitting an enemy, they have a chance of becoming paralyzed, drastically slowing their movements
Weakened Attack: -Halves the foe’s HP stat after inflicting damage
Petrify Attack: -Upon damaging a foe, has a chance of turning them to stone for a short period of time, stopping their movements
Shaking Attack: -Upon inflicting damage onto a foe, has a chance to inflict them with a Shaking effect, making aiming more difficult
Confuse Attack: -Upon damaging a foe, can give them the Confusion effect, which causes them to move and shoot around uncontrollably for a short period
Burn Attack:
-Upon inflicting damage to a foe, has a chance to give them a Burn effect, which drains their health faster than poison
-Lasts about just as long as Poison Attack
Freeze Attack: -Upon inflicting damage to a foe, has a chance to give them the Freeze effect, which freezes them solid for a short amount of time
Instant Death Attack: -Upon activation, attacks have a rare chance of killing a foe instantly
Spin Attack: -Upon inflicting damage to a foe, has a chance to give them the Spin effect, causing them to spin uncontrollably for a short period of time
Eggplant Attack: -Has a chance to turn the foe into an eggplant, temporarily leaving them unable to attack
Tempura Attack: -Same as above, but with a tempura instead
Power Thief: -Has the ability to steal a foe’s powers for a short while -Only works if the opponent has any of the other powers listed here
Energy Charge: -Palutena’s power rises the longer she goes without taking damage, increasing the power of her shots and melee attacks -All of her boosts disappear the moment she takes damage, however
Libra Sponge: -Turns all the hits that Palutena takes into energy that increases her attack power
Darkness: -Blinds foes for a short amount of time
Interference:
-Palutena plants a tower which prevents foes from using their abilities
-Can be destroyed with enough force
Virus:
-Upon activation, anyone nearby Palutena will be struck by this virus, slowing their movements and weakening their attacks
-Lasts a short while
Super Armor:
-Prevents Palutena from receiving knockback when hit by attacks
-Offers no defensive boosts
Brief Invincibility: -Self-explanatory
Tirelessness: -Allows Palutena to run for long periods of time without rest
Lightweight: -Increases Palutena’s running speed and prevents exhaustion, but at the cost of her damage being doubled -In Smash, after it wears off, she’ll be slowed down for a brief period of time
Trade-Off:
-Palutena sacrifices her remaining health to drastically raise the power of all her attacks
-The more health she has, the longer this lasts
Aries Armor: -Reduces damage received, prevents knockback, and leaves her unaffected by status effects
Bumblebee: -Palutena dodges an attack, then quickly dashes behind the attacker
Counter: -Upon taking a physical hit, Palutena will automatically retaliate with an attack that inflicts twice the damage she would’ve received -In Smash, Palutena also deploys a reflector as well
Transparency: -Turns Palutena invisible for a short while
Playing Dead: -Palutena performs the death animation but instead of dying, she turns invisible for a short while
Health Recovery: -Heals Palutena
Crisis Recovery: -Upon activating this in Crisis Mode, recovers Palutena’s health so that she is no longer in Crisis Mode
Effect Recovery: -Removes all status effects from Palutena
Pisces Heal: -Instead of taking damage from attacks, they instead heal Palutena
Random: -Randomly gives Palutena one of these Powers
Weaknesses: -Rarely ever gets serious, often treating most situations with a light-hearted outlook unless the world is in danger -Not much of a fighter, and lacks any known combat experience -All of her Powers have a limited number of uses -Often labeled as one of the weaker characters in Kid Icarus Uprising -Physically weak -The overwhelming amount of porn of her online -Is garbage in Smash 4 -Is a terrible cook
(“No one can hide from the light!”)
——————————————————
Ten years before the world fell into darkness, the wise, elderly Keyblade Master Eraqus had taken in three disciples: the strong, promising young man Terra; the optimistic and equally promising Ventus; and the well-mannered, disciplined Aqua. These three trained under Eraqus for years with only two goals in mind: protect the light, and become Keyblade Masters.
Unfortunately for the trio, only Aqua was destined to become a Keyblade Master, as Terra was revealed to possess a growing darkness within his heart. Realizing this darkness could likely consume Terra if not kept in check, Eraqus secretly ordered Aqua to keep an eye on the failed Keyblade wielder to make sure he was alright and bring him back should the brunette’s heart start drifting to the dark side.
While she was initially reluctant at first, Aqua would eventually agree to the job and began spying on him. Unfortunately, the machinations of Maleficent, Xehanort, and Vanitas would ultimately lead to Aqua believing that Terra was succumbing to the darkness in his heart. Not helping matters was that Terra had used that same darkness to nearly kill Eraqus upon finding out that he’d tried to kill Ventus in an attempt to disrupt Xehanort’s plans. After this, Xehanort would succeed in his plans to forge the χ-blade, putting Ventus in a coma in the process, and stealing Terra’s body for his own gain. In an attempt to stop this, Aqua- after placing Ventus in a safe space- went after the Xehanort-possessed Terra and tried to bring him back to his senses. Realizing what she was planning, Xehanort stabbed himself in the chest and opened a portal into the Realm of Darkness. In a desperate attempt to save him, Aqua leapt into the portal, sacrificing her armor and all but one of her Keyblades to bring him back to the realm of light. Unfortunately, this would leave Aqua with no way to escape the realm, and she would spend the next decade trying to find a way out.
It would only be after the intervention of King Mickey and one of the new Keyblade Masters, Riku, that Aqua would finally get another chance to escape. But history would repeat itself as Aqua once again sacrificed her chance at escape to fight off an army of Shadows that had attacked Riku, leaving her stranded for another 2 years.
Alright, the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all! It’s time for a Death Battle!
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South City, 12:30 p.m.
Throughout the bustling streets of South City, two people were turning the heads of everyone surrounding them. The first was a young blonde woman who wore a fanciful pink dress. Her hair had been tied in a chignon, though there were several strands that stuck out from the sides of her head. But it wasn’t this woman that was drawing everyone’s attention. That honor went to the man she was holding onto.
He was tall, with an extremely handsome face and a well-built body that would’ve made most men feel self-conscious. His brown hair was short and unkempt, with some of his bangs shooting out in the form of spikes. Despite this, it wasn’t his face or body that was drawing their attention; rather, it was his incredibly… odd attire.
His upper body was covered by a dark green tank top that cut off above his navel, showing off his chiseled midriff. A pair of blue pants covered his legs, with a leather belt being used to hold them up; and his feet were obscured by a pair of knee-length leather boots. Wrapped around his neck was a long, green scarf adorned with yellow stripes. His hands were covered by a pair of green fingerless gloves that were studded at the knuckles, and it was the left of said hands that seemed to be drawing everyone’s attention. The reason for this was a simple one: rather than being flesh and blood, it appeared to be a prosthetic made of metal.
This was Joseph Joestar, grandson of Jonathan Joestar and, unbeknownst to the general populace, the savior of humanity. Only a month prior, he had beaten the Pillar Men, a race of ancient creatures who wished to conquer their weakness to the Sun. Currently, he was on his honeymoon with Suzi Q, his newlywed wife. She had convinced him to spend their time in Japan, and they were currently touring the metropolis known as South City in search of somewhere to eat.
“Oh, that looks like it would be perfect!” Suzi said excitedly as she grabbed hold of his arm.
“Hey! Wait! Suzi Q!” Joseph called out, sounding slightly irritated as his wife unintentionally dragged him around.
Three minutes later, an annoyed Joseph was sitting at one of the many tables adorning the restaurant, which was apparently called Satan Cafe. Suzi Q was sitting across from him, the expression on her face indicating that she was enjoying her meal. Joseph was also eating, albeit at a slower rate. He could feel his stomach turning, but it wasn’t from the food. No, that was decent. His problem was with literally everything else!
The cafe’s furniture, accessories, the dozens of framed pictures and news clippings- hell, this entire place was dedicated to Hercule Satan, a martial artist who had become world-famous after defeating an infamous monster known as Cell. When he’d first heard this bit of news, Joseph had scoffed.
From what he’d heard on both the radio and the news reports, that “Cell” guy had been responsible for wiping out an entire military base’s worth of men and vehicles. So hearing that one man could beat someone like that with only a single karate chop had Joseph doubtful. What he’d seen in the interviews, skimmed from the surrounding clippings, and watched from the clips of martial arts tournaments playing on the mini TVs was only pouring fuel to the fire. In the span of a few seconds, he’d basically figured Hercule out.
For all his boasting and fame, this guy was nothing more than an arrogant jackass who was way too obsessed with his own image and backed out of a fight when met with a more powerful foe. In short, this guy’s reputation was full of crap, and it pissed Joseph off. Here he was, putting his life on the line to save the world from evil, and this asshole was getting everything a man could ever want after faking a victory against a similar threat!
Despite this, the Brit quickly calmed himself down and continued eating. It would only be a few more days here, then they’d be heading back to New York. It was nothing to get so worked up over. Besides, he didn’t want to ruin his honeymoon with Suzi.
‘And really,’ he thought to himself, ‘what are the chances we’d meet Hercule Satan in here, of all places? He probably doesn’t even know this restaurant exists!’
Unbeknownst to Joseph, he couldn’t have been any more wrong in thinking this, as the very man he was thinking about was currently making his way down the street. With every step that Mark “Hercule” Satan took, another member of the surrounding populace flocked over to him, likely to shower him with praise or attempt to get him to sign their autographs. Standing in front of the crowd of fans were several cameramen or newscasters, all of them pointing their microphones or cameras at him and bombarding him with questions.
Despite the headache-inducing screamfest that surrounded him, Mr. Satan was somehow managing to keep a straight face as he attempted to answer everyone’s request, though this was quickly degrading with each passing step. This continued for several minutes until the champ, with visible exasperation on his face, turned to the crowd and flashed a fake grin.
“Alright, folks! I know you all have some autographs or merchandise for me to sign, but you’ll need to wait until my interview’s over. That okay?” Upon hearing this, his audience quieted down and began muttering in agreement. With a sigh of relief, Mr. Satan turned around-
BONK!
-and immediately smacked into a microphone that had been pointed at him. Stumbling back, Hercule could just barely be heard briefly muttering several curses under his breath as he rubbed his injured cheek. After massaging his new injury, he looked back at the mic, only to then shift his gaze to one of the nearby cameras.
“Sorry about that, Mr. Satan, but I needed to ask this question: what’s your opinion on the new restaurant that was just opened down the street?” The bearded newscaster asked, holding his mic centimeters from the celebrity’s face.
“Uh… the new restaurant?” Hercule questioned as he looked around the area. Upon spotting the cafe that bore his namesake, he chuckled. “Oh, right… the Satan Cafe! Yeah, I was just about to check it out, maybe get some lunch there, just make sure they aren’t tryin’ to exploit my image for their own profit. I mean, I did work up a bit of an appetite during that last tournament!”
While this last part was somewhat true, it was also a bit of an excuse for him to try and get the paparazzi off his back. Yeah, he appreciated their support, but he couldn’t possibly focus on the interview and satisfying their requests at the same time. Each question needed some time for him to respond, and a crowd of fans roaring in your ear made the chances of that happening nigh-impossible. He could only hope the fans would be able to take the hint and leave him alone.
Unfortunately, it seemed that he had placed too much trust in their intelligence. One minute later, and the visibly annoyed champ could hear the entire crowd follow into the restaurant, all of them sporting eager expressions and talking rather loudly. He wasn’t the only one to share this sentiment, as Joseph sat at his booth, completely gobsmacked at what he was seeing.
‘I just had to open my mouth, didn’t I? And the paparazzi with him, too? Great! This- this is just perfect! Now we’re going to have to deal with this guy’s ego AND his army of fans! You might as well gag me right now!’ He thought furiously as he watched the waiters take Mr. Satan and the crowd to their seats. As if the Joestar’s luck couldn’t possibly get any worse, Hercule was now sitting several feet away from where he and Suzi Q were eating, with the fans constantly singing their hero’s praises. It was really starting to piss him off, and to make matters worse, the cameramen had started rolling once again!
“Jimmy Firecracker here, and with me is the man himself! You know him, you love him, you buy his merchandise no matter what it is! Standing right behind me in the Satan Cafe is none other than the longest-running champion of the World Martial Arts Tournament, the man responsible for killing Cell himself, Mr. Sa-“
“Hold it right there!” A British-accented voice called out, causing the entire crowd- including Hercule himself- to look toward its direction in shock. No one had ever dared to interrupt an interview with Mr. Satan before, but Joseph Joestar was more than willing to be the first! The second JoJo had his index finger pointed forward, aimed directly at the champ’s face.
“What’s this?” Jimmy asked in surprise. “It seems that some rude delinquent is trying to interrupt the champ’s latest interview! Who would have the nerve- nay, the gall to-“
“I’ve had it up to here with hearing everyone sing your praises, Hercule!” Joseph announced, cutting off Jimmy’s accusations. “Everywhere I go, people are talking about how you’re the ‘savior of the people,’ ‘the man who defeated Cell,’ and I gotta say, it’s kinda impressive.”
“Well, tha-“ Hercule began, but his accuser quickly cut him off.
“Impressive how you’ve managed to convince everyone of your bullshit!” At hearing this, everyone in the crowd gasped, though whether it was because of the accusation or the foul language was anyone’s guess. “I’ve seen your performances in the martial arts tournaments and against Cell! How you’ve convinced anyone with those poor attempts at acting is beyond me, but I’m going to show everyone here what you really are: a lying, arrogant coward!”
This accusation caused everyone in the audience to gasp once again, this time in surprise. Among them was Mr. Satan himself, his expression contorting into one of visible shock.
‘Wait, WHAT? J-just who is this guy, and how’d he figure me out? He’s not one of those guys from the Cell Games, is he?’ Upon getting a closer look at his accuser, he quickly determined that wasn’t the case, but that still didn’t change a thing. He needed to defend himself before this guy tried running his mouth any further!
“Oh yeah?” Hercule asked, trying his best to mask the panic in his voice as he looked Joseph in the eye. “And where’s your proof? Unless you can magically prove that I’ve been lying this whole time, that hearsay of yours doesn’t mean crap!”
“Oh, I’ve got all the evidence right here.” JoJo said as he pointed toward one of the TVs sitting behind him. Displayed on the monitor was one of the champ’s tournament performances, where he began kneeling and complaining about his stomach upon noticing that his opponent was still raring to go. “Oh, the pain! My stomach! Ah, it hurts!” The Hercule on TV complained, his tone sounding horribly unconvincing.
“Pretty convenient how you just so happened to get a stomach ache when you realized you had no chance of winning.” Joseph pointed out. The crowd looked over to Mr. Satan, waiting for his response.
“Well, that was jus-“
“Or how about your performance at the Cell Games, where you ‘beat’ Cell?” The Brit cut him off as the TV displayed footage of Mr. Satan charging forward, only for Cell to ring him out by nonchalantly backhanding him into a mountain.
“You’re taking that outta context! I slipped just before I could hit Cell!”
“Really? Then let’s see that footage again!” As he said this, Joseph walked over to the TV and, after taking a breath, injected some sort of golden energy into the device. The moment he did so, the video played once again, this time slowed down frame-by-frame. “Maybe you’d like to point out where exactly you slipped.”
“Of course I will! It was… uh…” the champ’s confidence quickly fell as he realized there wasn’t an exact frame where he could claim such a thing occurred. He couldn’t even say that the video had been edited, as it was clearly archived from live camera feed. This realization caused most of the audience to either begin eyeing their hero with suspicion, or murmur about what they’d just seen. They weren’t alone in this assessment either, as the millions of viewers watching this in their homes began noticing how their idol had frozen up at the Brit’s words. ‘Crap! This kid’s already picking me apart! Think, Mark, think! There’s gotta be some way to shut him up!’ As he tried mulling it over, Hercule’s ears picked up a shout from one of his fans in the background.
“Come on, Mr. Satan! Don’t let this guy push you around like that! You’ve fought Cell and Majin Buu! You’ve saved the world from the worst threats it’s ever faced! So, come on! Show this cocky bastard what happens when you try to tarnish the reputation of Hercule!” A young man in the middle row screamed, his voice loud enough that it drowned out the other members, all of whom went silent and looked at him in surprise. Turning around, Mark’s surprised expression met the hardened gaze of a short-haired brunette wearing a backwards yellow cap and periwinkle t-shirt.
Much to Mr. Satan’s surprise, another person- this one a raven-haired, ponytailed woman in a pink dress- was the next to speak up.
“Yeah, you can do it, Mr. Satan! I believe in you!” As she finished speaking, her husband followed suit. Then another one. And another one. And another one! Within the span of a few seconds, the entire restaurant- excluding Joseph and a seemingly oblivious Suzi Q- had risen to their feet, their voices shouting out passionate encouragement to their hero. Even the ones who’d begun doubting him were now raising their voices in support! This positive reinforcement was enough to snap the celebrity out of his concerned funk, and he proved quick to save face with a cocky smirk. Closing his eyes, the afro-sporting celebrity turned to face Joseph, arms confidently folded over his chest as he began chuckling.
“Heh, heh. Ehehehehe…” These chuckles then crescendoed, evolving into full-blown laughter. After a brief fit of confidence-fueled hysterics, the conman looked Joseph in the eye before he spoke. “Alright! Maybe I can’t point out where I slipped, but that doesn’t change a thing! If you want me to prove myself, then how ‘bout we settle this with a fight?”
After thinking it over for a second, Joseph responded to the offer.
“Sure! In fact, I know just the place to settle this. But first,” The Joestar paused and turned to address his wife, “Suzi, I’ll be back in a few minutes. Something just came up that needs my attention.” Suzi nodded in understanding, and with that Joseph and the others began making their way to the exit. They soon found themselves gathering in the restaurant’s parking lot, with Hercule confidently striding toward him. Crossing his arms once again, the champ began chuckling.
“So this is what ya had in mind, huh? Well, I can think of worse places to fight.” He admitted with a shrug. “Besides, it’s not like it matters where we take this, since either way you’re giving the entire world a front row seat to me proving myself to any other doubters that’re out there.”
“Or it’ll be a front row seat to me proving your entire career is a complete sham!” Joseph responded before dramatically pointing at him. “In fact, how would you feel about agreeing to a bet? If I win, you have to admit to the entire world- on camera- that you’re a fraud.”
“And what about when I win?” Mr. Satan smirked.
“If you win,” JoJo corrected, “then I’ll take back everything I accused you of. On live TV.”
“Alright. I think I can get behind that.” Hercule agreed as he entered a fighting stance. “Though it’s gonna be pretty embarrassing to propose something like that when our fight’ll only last for a few seconds.”
“Oh, you have no idea, Hercule.” Joseph responded, a cheeky grin on his face as he followed suit.
The crowd of fans waited, fully ready to witness their champ defend himself against this slanderer. Despite this, both combatants weren’t paying this any mind. They were too busy getting themselves psyched up for the fight. Brown eyes met blue as their bodies tensed up in preparation. Then, after what felt like an eternity, one of them chose to act!
Eager to prove himself to his fans, Hercule lunged forward and threw out a left cross. For a brief moment it seemed that the punch was about to make contact, but this changed when Joseph moved to the right, causing the celebrity to instead fly past him. Before Mr. Satan even had a chance to recover from this mistake, his opponent threw out a sweep kick, giving a sarcastic “oops” as he sent the mustached champion tumbling to the ground. Just as it seemed that Hercule was about to land face-first into the concrete, he planted his hands against the ground and pushed, shooting him into the air for a brief moment before coming back down with a loud CRASH!
Upon hitting the ground, Mr. Satan wasted no time in rushing toward Joseph, this time throwing a straight punch to the chest. The moment it made contact, the Brit found himself coughing up spittle, but he proved quick to recover. And he was just in time, too!
Believing he could exploit the brief opening in his adversary’s defenses, Mark began throwing out a swift combo of punches and kicks, all aimed at the vulnerable parts of Joseph’s body. One could imagine his shock as his opponent not only parried each one, but was doing so with an almost casual air! In fact, he was even going so far as to taunt him!
“You know, for someone who’s supposed to be an accomplished martial artist, you don’t seem to be getting in as many shots as I’d thought. Hell, if you’re going to miss me this much the least you could do is put some effort into your hits!” He joked in between blocking the punches.
“And just whaddya think I’m doing? Tryin’ to show off for the crowd by draggin’ this out?” Hercule asked irritably.
“Would it really surprise you if I answered yes?” Joseph responded, smirking. At hearing this, Mr. Satan’s glare hardened as he threw out a right hook. Much like the other times, however, this was quickly intercepted, this time by Joseph’s open palm.
“Seems like I touched a nerve there! Wonder why that is?” JoJo asked sarcastically as he gripped the captive fist. Desperate to get his opponent to shut up, Hercule attempted to go in for another punch, but history repeated itself as his target grabbed the other fist. “I mean, the only reason someone could be that quick to attack would be if they were hiding something. Maybe there’s something you’d like to share with the rest of the class, Herc- ack!”
Whatever Joseph was about to say became cut off as Mr. Satan slammed into him with a powerful headbutt, causing his grip to weaken. Realizing this opportunity wouldn’t last, Mark proved quick to throw out a swift combo.
“Those are some pretty big assumptions, kid! But unless you have the skills to back up what you’re sayin’…” Hercule responded as he laid down three crosses to the face before immediately following with nine rapid kicks to both the chest and stomach. As he noticed Joseph begin to recover, Satan grabbed hold of his jacket. “You’re all washed-up!” He finished as he threw the Joestar several feet through the air.
Quickly leaping after him, Hercule threw out another swift barrage of punches, delivering 20 blows within the span of a few seconds. As they hit their peak of ascension, the champ cupped both hands together and reeled them back, fully prepared to send the trickster crashing back down to Earth! Unfortunately, he would learn the hard way that his opponent had recovered faster than expected, as Joseph proved by suddenly backflipping through the air. Both boot-clad feet slammed into Hercule’s chin, striking with enough force to reverse his momentum and send him hurtling through the air. They landed almost immediately, Joseph perfectly on his feet and Hercule unceremoniously onto the cement back-first. In spite of the rough landing, he proved quick to leap back to his feet, and upon doing so he heard Joseph call out to him.
“Smooth landing there, man.” He said sarcastically, a grin still on his face as he watched Hercule’s brow crease. “If you ever get tired of fighting, you could try applying for a crash test dummy. After all, you’ve got a lot in common: you’re both thick-skulled and seem to be gluttons for punishment.”
“And maybe after you lose this fight, you could focus on becoming a comedian, since ya sure love to hear yourself talk!” Mr. Satan taunted as he ran toward Joseph once again. While closing the distance between them, he reeled back his fist, preparing to deliver a straight punch to Joseph’s face.
“Thanks for the suggestion,” JoJo began as the fist sailed toward him, pausing for a slight moment to catch the fist in his hand. “But I’d rather not follow the advice of a clown like you.”
As he said this, Joseph gripped the hand and yanked it forward, taking Hercule along with it. Just as they were about to collide with each other, he suddenly threw out a knee strike, forcing the conman to cough up spittle.
“In fact,” Joseph offered as he grabbed hold of Satan’s gi, “why don’t we start your circus career now?”
Before Hercule even had a chance to respond, his attacker threw him into the air, eliciting a series of surprised screams and “WHOA”’s from the airborne celebrity. He was violently flapping his arms through the air, almost as if in a vain attempt to fly, but this attempt would soon come to an end as he met his destination: a table on the outskirts of the Satan Cafe, one that was still covered by an uneaten plate of spaghetti, a knife, and a glass of soda.
The moment he landed on the table, it snapped in two, causing him to crash onto the ground as the table’s occupants were launched into the air. The spaghetti, fork still sitting atop its plate, was soaring into the air, while the knife had managed to shave off a small patch of Hercule’s afro and sent it onto the plate’s edge. As he watched the plate begin its descent, Joseph’s mind went into overdrive as he lunged forward and caught it, already planning several things he could use it for. Looking down, he noticed the clump of hair and quickly grabbed hold of it, stuffing the seemingly mundane item into his jacket.
Meanwhile, Hercule was in the middle of getting back to his feet, groaning in pain as he did so. The first thing he noticed was Joseph now twirling a forkful of spaghetti from the plate. ‘The hell’s this guy doing?’ He thought to himself before speaking aloud. “Hey, ya know we’re still fighting, right? Maybe you should try waiting ‘til we’re done to get a victory snack!”
“Oh, this isn’t a victory snack. It’s just something I wanted to test out. With how poorly you’ve been at fighting hand-to-hand, I bet I could beat you even with this plate of spaghetti!” Joseph boasted.
“Hahahaha! You must be joking, right? And how exactly do you plan to use somethin’ like that in a fight?” Hercule asked cockily.
“Well, since you’re so curious, why don’t I give you a demonstration?” Joseph asked before taking a deep breath. The moment he did so, a golden energy spread throughout the fork, entering into the noodles and causing them to straighten out. In tandem with this, the sauce sitting atop the pasta shot forward, hitting Hercule in the eyes faster than he could’ve hoped to react. A pained scream emerged from his throat as he rubbed his eyes, desperate to ease the pain of several dozen spices hitting him in the corneas. While this occurred, Joseph pulled each of the noodles back before suddenly releasing them, causing each one to rocket forward. They made contact with Hercule almost immediately, eliciting a grunt of pain as the edible ammunition became embedded in his pecs.
“Ah! What the-“ he asked as his vision returned, allowing him to see the impromptu projectiles that had hit him. Confused by this, he grabbed hold of each one, upon which a golden energy exited out of them and made them go limp. The moment this happened, Mr. Satan let out a high-pitched scream as he threw them away. ‘Oh God, what was that? W-was it that ki stuff that Goku and those other guys used?’ He thought fearfully, only for his gaze to shift back to the audience of fans watching the fight unfold. Upon seeing their confused reactions to what had just occurred, he cleared his throat and began speaking, making sure his voice was loud and clear enough to mask his internal terror. “Well, what do we have here? Looks like Mr. High and Mighty over there’s decided to try resortin’ to some cheap parlor tricks to try and one-up me!”
“Excuse me?” Joseph said, his voice loud enough to be heard over the vicious booing of Mr. Satan’s fanbase. He was insulted, not only by Hercule’s accusation of needing to cheat to win, but also by what he’d just said about his Hamon skills. “So after what just hit you, you think my Hamon’s all fake?”
“Well, yeah! I mean, if it was legitimate, why wouldn’t I be able to use it? After all, if some phony like you could use it, why wouldn’t an accomplished martial arts champion- like myself- be able to do the same thing?” Hercule responded, a cocky grin on his face as he folded his arms over his chest.
“Oh, I could think of several reasons, but let me assure you, my Hamon is 100% genuine!” Joseph defended, giving a wry grin as he continued with “In fact, I’ll even prove it to you!”
As these words left his mouth, the brunette began focusing the Sun-like energy into his plate, forcing it to spread through his makeshift weapon. Once his meal was filled to the brim, Joseph let out a shout of “Overdrive” as he threw the plate like a frisbee, causing it to hurtle toward Hercule at supersonic speeds. Despite having little time to react, its would-be target still managed to throw himself to the side, causing it to sail right past him. Before he could make a sly comment, however-
The spaghetti exploded like a time bomb, sending its sauce and dozens of blade-like noodles into Mr. Satan’s back. The spices in the condiment irritated his skin, while the noodles were causing a stinging pain to spread throughout his back. But if Joseph thought this was enough to keep Hercule down, however, he was dead wrong!
With nothing more than a brief flex of his muscles, the noodles shot back out of Hercule’s body, causing him to sigh in relief. ‘Looks like this guy’s decided to start cuttin’ loose!’ He thought as he rubbed his now sore back. ‘Then, in that case, I guess it’s only fair I do the same!’ With this thought in mind, he looked back at JoJo and smirked.
“Alright, kid. You wanna start fighting dirty?” He asked as he reached into the side of his gi and pulled out a new weapon: a .45 caliber pistol. His smirk morphed into a wide grin as he continued with “Then let’s start bringing out some real weapons!”
“Alright, then! But before I unveil mine, why don’t I be a good sport about this and let you get the first shot?” Upon hearing this, Mr. Satan’s steel gaze faltered a bit.
“W-what?” He asked, sounding heavily confused. He figured this guy would back off once he saw how serious the fight would get, or that he’d be even the slightest bit worried at having a gun pointed at his face. Offering to let him take the first shot wasn’t what the newfound gunslinger had expected! Was this some kind of trick? Was he planning something?
“Some time this year, old man!” Joseph snapped, sounding slightly annoyed at his opponent’s indecisiveness.
“Huh?” Mr. Satan asked in confusion, Joseph’s response having cut off his thought process.
“You heard me! You’ve got a pistol pointed straight at me- fully loaded, no doubt- and your finger’s already on the trigger! Are you going to fire, or was your plan to just try and intimidate me by showing that you were willing to bring it to this level?”
“Uh… well, I… Hey! What’s that over there?!” Hercule shouted as he pointed behind Joseph, praying his opponent would take the bait. At hearing this, Joseph’s eyes narrowed as his already irritated brow furrowed even more.
“Do you really expect me to fall for that?” He asked bluntly. “A five year old might fall for that kind of crap, but what makes you think that I, a goddamn adult, would make the same mistake?”
“Um…” Mark gulped. ‘Crap! Looks like this guy’s smarter than he looks!’
‘Just how the hell did this jackass become the “Champion of Martial Arts,” let alone the “Savior of the World”? At this point I’m thinking the only way he could’ve beaten Cell was if the poor bastard laughed himself to death!’ JoJo thought furiously.
‘Alright! Maybe I can’t psyche him out, but I can still just go for the old-fashioned way!’ Mr. Satan declared internally, punctuating it by pointing the .45 caliber at Joseph’s torso.
“Oh, what do we have here? Looks like someone finally remembered they have a gun in their hands.” Joseph said, faux amazement in his voice before it returned to normal. “Now the only question remains, will he be able to use it in time?”
“In time for what?”
“Oh, I’m glad you asked.” With this, JoJo quickly swiped something from one of the nearby tables. Pointing it forward, the champ saw what it was: a bottle of tequila, its cap pointed right at him. “Unless you fire your gun by the time I get to three, the cap on this tequila will shoot off and interrupt you right then and there! One… two…”
Though this ultimatum left him confused, Mr. Satan proved quick to take Joseph’s advice as he took aim with his pistol. Just as he prepared to pull the trigger, however-
“THREE!”
POP!
True to his word, the cap on Joseph’s tequila rocketed off, sent flying through the air by a stream of Hamon-charged alcohol. Bizarrely enough, it whizzed past Hercule, instead slamming into the ceiling above him. For a brief second, the supposed victim blinked in surprise once. Twice. Then, as he realized the makeshift ballistic had missed him entirely, he began chuckling, a cocky grin appearing on his face as he spoke.
“What was that? I could’ve sworn you said I’d be interrupted before I could-“
CONK!
The champ’s taunt was cut short as one of the light fixtures above him suddenly came loose and slammed onto his head, causing his eyes to go cartoonishly wide. As it fell off, Hercule took a brief moment to massage his now-aching head, thinking he’d still have time to attack Joseph once he was done.
One could only imagine his surprise when he looked up to see that the Joestar had closed the distance between them in that brief window of opportunity, making it known with a powerful kick to the face. A resounding CRACK could be heard as the exposed leg slammed into his nose, forcing the unfortunate conman to cry out in pain as he was sent hurtling through the air. Upon hitting the ground back-first, a loud noise could be heard as Hercule’s gun clattered against the terrain. Quickly scrambling toward it, the former student of Satan Castle reached out and snatched it from the ground. Then, with surprisingly swift reflexes, he aimed it toward Joseph and repeatedly pulled the trigger, sending five rounds flying through the air.
Upon being faced with the sight of these slugs rapidly approaching him, the Joestar’s only response was to smirk as he began focusing Hamon through his arm. Then, without a second to lose, he took out the clump of hair he’d grabbed earlier and tossed it through the air. The moment he did so, each individual strand rocketed forward, quickly straightening themselves out and bending their trajectory while still in midair. Within the span of a few microseconds, JoJo had taken a patch of Hercule’s seemingly worthless hair and formed it into some sort of makeshift barrier! And if this hadn’t been enough to surprise his opponent, what happened next would!
As it turned out, the barrier was actually managing to deflect the bullets with ease, with the slugs clattering to the ground each time they collided.
‘Alright, so my gun’s not makin’ the cut against that shield. There’s gotta be some other way to get rid of it! I mean, it’s just a bunch of hair! It can’t be too hard to break through, right?’ Hercule thought as he placed the pistol back into his gi and began searching for another capsule. Upon finding what he was looking for, the champ grinned as he pressed down on its top. The moment he did so, the bottle exploded into a smokescreen before revealing its contents: a lone hand grenade.
Quickly removing the pin, Mr. Satan wasted no time in throwing the pineapple forward, fully confident that it’d be enough to bust through the hair barrier. As he saw this, Joseph responded by diving out of the patio and to the right, intent on using one of the nearby vehicles as cover. Unfortunately, the explosive acted faster than he’d expected.
BOOM!
A massive burst of fire and smoke erupted outward, sending the Joestar flying toward his intended defense with enough force to create a painful CRUNCH! His shoulder had taken the full brunt of this landing, slamming into one of the doors with enough force to leave a visible dent.
“GAH! Sonuvabitch!“ he muttered under his breath as he nursed his newfound injury.
While this occurred, the explosion began clearing up, allowing a relieved Hercule to see that his plan had worked. Looking even further, a grin began to form on his face as he saw that Joseph was currently laying on the ground, still clutching his new shoulder.
“AHAHAHA! Well, looks like ya got a bit overconfident there! Just goes to show that some stuck-up punk who relies on tricks and glowy special effects can’t compare to a lifetime of good, old-fashioned training!” Hercule boasted as he sauntered toward the Brit, his arms triumphantly folded over his chest as he did so. The crowd burst into cheers. There was no doubt that Mr. Satan had won this! Now all that was left for him to deliver a coup de grâce to this slanderer!
But before he could even have the chance to do so, a new sound its way to the crowd’s ears. It was Joseph, chuckling as he pushed himself up.
“Would you care to repeat that?” He asked mockingly as he put one hand up to his right ear. “Are you saying you can take whatever I dish out, no matter what it is, just because of how hard you’ve trained?”
“Ya got that right, kid! It doesn’t matter what you pull out! I’ve got your number, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it!” Hercule responded, emphasizing his point by dramatically pointing at his recovering adversary.
“Really? Then let’s test that, shall we?” Joseph asked rhetorically, a cheeky grin on his face as he lowered a hand into his coat. “You just stay right there,” he offered as he grabbed hold of something sticking out of its flaps, “and we’ll see how confident you are after taking a few rounds from THIS!”
As he spoke that last word, the trickster suddenly whipped out a Tommy gun, which he’d seemingly pulled from the confines of his suit, and aimed it forward. The sight caused everyone in the audience to gasp in shock, with Mr. Satan taking a step back in fear as sweat ran down his face.
“W-wait a minute! That’s cheating, isn’t it? Come on, kid! W-why don’t ya try and fight fair?” Hercule pleaded, constantly stuttering due to his nervousness.
“Clearly you’ve been spending too much time in the spotlight, old man! We’re not fighting in a tournament, so anything’s fair game here! I could’ve sworn you knew that from the start, or are you forgetting about how you pulled a gun on me a minute ago?” Joseph pointed out, sounding slightly irritated as he reminded his adversary of the last fact.
“Um- well-“ whatever Mr. Satan was about to say died in his throat as he watched his opponent point the SMG directly at his chest. With panic overtaking his mind, the champ let his instincts take over and dove to the side just as JoJo pulled the trigger. The bullet missed its intended target by several inches, but the sound of it impacting the concrete was enough to send the crowd into a frenzy. Everyone was running around in an desperate attempt to avoid any further gunfire, but none of them were more desperate to survive than Hercule, who had wasted no time in ducking behind a nearby car as several rounds flew past his head. ‘Just how crazy is this guy? First he’s using food as a weapon, then he’s attacking me with beer, then he’s defending himself with hair, and now he’s opening fire in public? Where’d he even get that Tommy gun?’ While these thoughts ran through his head, the World Champion reached into his gi once again, this time unveiling a blue capsule. ‘Well, if he wants to pull crap outta thin air, maybe I’ll do the same!’
With a grin on his face, he pressed down on the capsule’s top button and tossed it to the ground. A smokescreen shot out for a split-second before almost immediately vanishing to reveal the secret weapon Mr. Satan had up his nonexistent sleeve.
“Alright, kid! Maybe I couldn’t take a few of those rounds from that Tommy of yours, but let’s see if you can handle something like THIS!” The World Tournament winner shouted as he unveiled his newest weapon, causing Joseph’s eyes to widen in shock at what it was. Resting above Hercule’s shoulder was a massive rocket launcher, its barrel aimed right at his torso.
“OH SHIT!” The Joestar shouted as his opponent pulled the trigger, firing off four rockets that rushed toward him at supersonic speeds. For an ordinary person, they likely would’ve been blown up before they even had time to process what was heading toward them. For a Hamon user like Joseph, however, the missiles were moving slower than molasses, giving him enough time to recover from his momentary surprise. Closing his eyes, the trickster took a deep breath, causing Hamon to begin encompassing his body once more. Then, upon opening them, they began to shine with determination as he raised the now Hamon-charged Tommy gun to chest-level. With a quick bit of mental math, Joseph fired off one energy-infused round, aiming at enough of an angle that the frontmost rocket exploded upon contact, with the Ripple creating a burst of energy that flowed through the shrapnel and sent it flying back. This would result in a chain reaction as the debris sliced through the other rockets, creating more explosions that coated the entire street in smoke.
Despite the smoke blinding him and the overwhelming cries of surprise from the crowd, JoJo’s Hamon-enhanced senses allowed him to hear the otherwise inaudible sound of Mr. Satan rushing toward him, no doubt attempting to capitalize on his perceived blindness. Unbeknownst to the fake hero, Joseph was also planning to capitalize on its existence, albeit in a far different way!
Hercule rushed through the smokescreen, having armed himself with the rocket launcher’s barrel to serve as a makeshift bludgeon. He was only a few inches from where he believed the Joestar had gone. Believing victory to be in his grasp, the champ swung his makeshift weapon with all his might…
Only to hit thin air, which was soon followed by the feeling of something grabbing hold of him from behind. Mr. Satan’s body tensed up upon realizing this, but before he could even try to free himself his mysterious captor cut him off. Rather than it being a punch or kick, however, they went for a more unorthodox method: roughly dragging their knuckles across his head and occasionally grinding them in. Although this noogie felt mildly uncomfortable at worst, it was about to become even more painful as his attacker slammed their knee into his face three times. While in the middle of these attacks, Hercule could’ve sworn he felt something wrap around his arm, but these thoughts were quickly silenced by a third blow. Once this final attack had connected, Hercule’s attacker, wasting no time, quickly released him and delivered a powerful kick that sent the celebrity tumbling across the ground. Upon coming to a complete stop, the champ looked back up and found himself staring his attacker in the face. Joseph responded to his opponent’s frown by flashing a larger grin before taking a deep breath as he gave the scarf in his hand a sharp tug- wait, what?
For a brief moment, Mr. Satan’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as he felt something tighten around his arm, followed by an overwhelming heat searing through his forearm. Looking toward its direction, he found himself in shock at what he saw. Wrapped around his wrist was Joseph’s own scarf, currently crackling with Hamon.
“Well, it seems you finally caught on! And here I was pegging you as the learn from experience type.” The Joestar jeered as he continued pouring Hamon through the fabric, focusing it into one target: Mr. Satan. The moment it made contact, the champion of martial arts felt the captive limb go completely numb, and the energy was proving quick to spread itself through the rest of his body! As this realization ran through his head, Hercule began rummaging through his gi, searching for the right weapon that could deal with this situation. Upon seeing this, Joseph cocked an eyebrow in confusion. Just what the hell was this guy trying to do?
Whatever it was, he didn’t plan to find out, as he personally demonstrated by violently pulling on his scarf. This decision proved to be a double-edged sword, however. On one hand, he had pulled Hercule closer toward him; on the other, his supposed target had already covered and was already preparing another attack: his infamous Dynamite Kick! The tournament champion was soaring toward JoJo at supersonic speeds, fully prepared to plant this slanderer in the dirt where he belonged! Just when it was inches from hitting him, though, the trickster noticed an opening in his attacker’s defense, and with a quick breath-
“Rebuff Overdrive!” Joseph threw out a Hamon-infused elbow, ramming it directly into Hercule’s crotch. The moment it made contact, Mr. Satan let out a high-pitched gasp of pain, one that was shared by all of the men in the crowd.
While this was occurring, Joseph’s Ripple-enhanced senses allowed him to notice several objects held tightly within the pockets hidden inside Satan’s gi. From what he could tell, their contents were entirely made up of some sort of capsules. ‘So this is what he was searching for, huh?’ JoJo thought to himself. For a moment he thought they might be painkillers, but he quickly brushed that thought aside. Given when Hercule had been looking for them, it’s safe to say these weren’t medication, especially considering how many there were! So that left one question: just what the hell were those capsules for?
His thoughts drifted back to two minutes prior, when Hercule had seemingly pulled that missile launcher from nowhere. At first he thought the old man was a fellow expert at legerdemain, but now he was beginning to question that notion. Turning his attention back to the current situation, he noticed that Mr. Satan’s gi was still open, leaving its contents exposed for him to see… and free to take! ‘Well, I guess we’ll see in a few seconds if this little hypothesis of mine actually holds water!’ Joseph smirked as he reached into Hercule’s pocket and swiped the capsule closest to his left. While quickly stuffing it in his jacket, JoJo also made sure to unwrap his scarf, put it back on, and quickly grabbed hold of a loose string he’d noticed dangling from the gi. His mind was already going into overdrive as he devised several plans for this seemingly minute action, all of them dedicated to exposing Hercule for the cheating bastard he is! While this was happening, his unfortunate opponent hit the pavement, landing with a loud THUMP!
“You… ugh… who’d go for… oagh!” Hercule struggled to speak as he got back to his feet, still reeling from the nut shot he’d just taken. The pain proved quick to fade, and with it he began calling Joseph out. “Who would go for a low blow like that in a fight?”
“Like I said a few seconds ago, anything’s fair game in a fight! Or are you finally showing your age, old man?” Joseph taunted, a cheeky grin on his face as he emphasized the last words. At hearing this, Mr. Satan’s expression briefly became one of irritation, but immediately after that something seemed to click, and he responded with a grin of his own.
“Heh, heh! I see what you’re doin’ there. You’re trying to get me all riled up, making me angry enough that you’ll be able to play me for a chump!” As he said this, Mr. Satan pointed forward before continuing by saying, “Well, you can keep dreaming! After all-“
“Next you’ll say, ‘there’s no way you can string me along that easily!’“ Joseph said, speaking in unison with Hercule. The moment he realized this, the tournament champ gasped in surprise, a reaction that was shared by the rest of the audience as JoJo grinned.
“And what makes you think I need to piss you off just to get inside your head? Even right now, I’ve already planned for whatever crap you try to pull!” Joseph asked, a grin still on his face.
“Is that so?” Mr. Satan asked with a smirk as he reached into his gi. “Then let’s see how you’ve planned to deal- uh…” Whatever boast he was about to make died in his throat as he found himself grasping at thin air. Confused by this, he began patting against his top in a desperate attempt to find what he needed, but to no avail. ‘What the-? I coulda sworn it was right here!’ He thought to himself as he continued rummaging around. Sweat was beginning to run down his face, a sign of his growing nervousness at the situation.
“What’s the matter? You’re looking a bit stressed out.” Joseph said, his tone almost taunting Hercule. Placing his free hand into his coat, he continued with “Maybe it’s because you’re busy looking for this?” As he finished speaking, the Joestar whipped his arm back out, revealing the capsule to both Mr. Satan and his audience.
Needless to say, the sight of his opponent pulling out the very item he was looking for left Mark bewildered. As he watched his adversary’s expression become contorted, Joseph grinned before declaring, “And now you’ll say, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never seen that before in my life!’”
Seemingly unaware of what his opponent had just said, Mr. Satan looked back at him, his confused expression becoming a dismissive smirk as he spoke.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never seen that before in my life!” He chuckled, only to gasp in shock as he realized that Joseph had just played him for a fool once again.
“Is that so?” The trickster responded, cocking an eyebrow as he smirked. “Then maybe you’d like to explain all of THESE!”
With that, he sharply tugged the nigh-invisible string on Hercule’s top, creating a small hole in the internal left pocket. As soon as it had appeared, dozens of capsules fell out from the destroyed pocket, causing the crowd to gasp once again as their hero became surrounded in a pool of the minuscule devices. Mr. Satan looked down at the pile in horror, then he slowly shifted his gaze back toward his legion of fans, who were all staring at him in wait for an explanation. An awkward silence pierced through the area, causing Hercule to begin sweating at an even heavier rate.
“Well? Come on. Don’t keep your fans waiting. Tell them why you were patting your shirt like that if you weren’t trying to search for one of those capsules.” Joseph suggested, a shit-eating grin on his face as he watched Mr. Satan stutter nervously in search of an explanation. Surprisingly enough, the conman did manage to get out an explanation, though it was certainly one that caught even JoJo off guard.
“Oh, don’t try to give me that crap!” Mr. Satan said, his expression contorting into an accusatory glare as he pointed at Joseph. “It’s obvious you were the one who put them in there when you went for that shot to my crotch!” This gave way to another period of silence, one that went on for what seemed like an eternity. Then, as if his brain had finally comprehended the utter stupidity of his opponent’s words, Joseph exploded.
“WHAT?!” He screamed furiously. “Just how the hell did you come to that conclusion? Are you that desperate to not seem like a cheating jackass? I don’t even think your fans would believe that kind of crap!”
“Well, let’s see what they have to say!” Hercule responded, turning to face his audience. “What do you guys think? Who sounds like they’re telling the truth here: your hero, who risked his life to save all of you, or some punk that tried to smear my reputation outta jealousy and keeps going for cheap hits?”
While his opponent was busy trying to see their spectators’ responses, Joseph, seeing another gaping opening in his adversary’s defense, immediately rushed forward.
“I’ve got one even better. Instead of waiting for their approval, why don’t you try staying focused on our fight?” The Hamon master suggested, his tone one of hot-blooded fury and irritation at his opponent’s attitude. Upon hearing the Brit’s voice so close to him, Mark’s head whipped back around in shock. Before he even had the chance to make eye contact, a sudden right hook slammed into his jaw. The champ staggered back for a brief moment, but before he could fully recover, Joseph had already followed up with a left hook, this time making direct contact with his already injured nose.
“GAH! Again with the cheap shots!” Mr. Satan muttered under his breath as he continued stumbling back. With the savior of the universe now distracted, Joseph rushed forward and slipped a small present into his gi, stuffing it in the same pocket that had once held his capsules. Then, with the sharp tug of the same loose thread from before, he dove behind a nearby truck just as Hercule was beginning to recover.
“Alright, now where’d you… go?” The martial artist asked, his tone going from annoyance to confusion as a ticking sound reached his ears. Looking down, he reached into his gi and quickly pulled out what was responsible: a hand grenade. His eyes widening in fear, the champ could only speak two words before he heard a CLICK:
“Ah, crap!”
BOOM!
A brief flash of white coated the street, followed by a massive smokescreen that obscured the area. Once it faded, Joseph looked out from behind his cover, fully expecting to see that Mr. Satan had been knocked out or at least knocked back by the explosion. Instead, what he saw caused both his and the audience’s jaws to drop in shock.
“What the hell am I looking at?” He screamed in frustration. Standing before him was Hercule, his gi now reduced to tatters and his body covered entirely in soot and ash, but somehow still conscious and unmoved. In fact, all the explosion seemed to have done was left him mildly stunned, and he was quickly shrugging that off, too! ‘Alright, it seems he’s a bit tougher than I thought.’ Joseph admitted as he reached into his pocket. ‘But with how he’s still recovering, I might just have a shot at ending this now!’
With this thought in mind, he pulled out his secret weapon: a pair of metal balls held together by a string. Taking a deep breath, Joseph began focusing Hamon into the clackers, using the string as a conduit to charge both of its balls. Once they were filled to completion, the British trickster began twirling his makeshift weapon around, producing an audible crackling sound as each one flew faster and faster, quickly reaching the point where it had become a blur. Then, once he felt he’d built up enough momentum, JoJo let out a powerful scream as he hurled the clackers with all his might!
The impromptu weapon soared through the air, its trajectory currently aiming at the head of the still recovering Hercule. For a brief moment, it seemed that Joseph’s victory was close at hand, but then-
“Watch out, Mr. Satan!” A bystander in the crowd shouted, trying to warn his savior of the impending doom.
“Huh?” Hercule muttered in confusion. As he processed this warning, his ears began to pick up an unusual crackling noise, one that seemed to be growing closer with each nanosecond. Taking a brief moment to look toward the source of the sound, his eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as he saw the clackers rushing toward him at blinding speeds. For a brief moment, it seemed as though the warning had been for naught, as the clackers were only a few inches from his face…
But then, in what could only be described as a stroke of blind luck, Mr. Satan managed to tilt his head at the last possible second. The clackers flew past him, only managing to lightly graze his cheek before embedding themselves into a nearby building. As he looked back at what had almost hit him, he sighed in relief. ‘Good thing that guy managed to warn me. Otherwise that thing might’ve put me outta commission!’ He thought to himself. Shifting his gaze back toward his opponent, Hercule found himself staring at an irritated Joseph and responded by giving a cocky grin.
“Oh, sorry! Was that supposed to be for me?” He asked rhetorically, gesturing toward the clackers before laughing.
“Sorry. I guess my pitch was a bit off.” The Joestar paused as he once again placed his hand in his jacket, this time pulling out two clackers. The sight of this was enough to cause Mark’s expression to falter, if only for a brief moment, and it would soon come crashing down when he saw the next part of Joseph’s attack. Taking a deep breath, the Brit once again filled his weapons with Hamon.
“But I’ve still got a few more left in me!” JoJo declared, this time pulling off a decent Bruce Lee impression as he rapidly swung the clackers around his body. He was swinging so quickly that it was nearly impossible to keep up with him! All the audience could see were vague, golden blurs darting around Joseph’s body, and then they disappeared entirely! ‘The hell? Where’d they go?’ Mr. Satan thought to himself in confusion. His eyes briefly darted around the arena, desperately searching for some sign that Joseph’s clackers were near him. Upon finding nothing, he quickly returned his gaze to JoJo, who he found was still sporting the same cocky smile on his face. ‘That can’t be good.’ Hercule thought as he continued looking around. There didn’t seem to be anything headed toward him this instant, but that would likely change soon enough!
“Well, well! Would you look at that? It seems my clackers have suddenly vanished into thin air. Or maybe I’ve used my Hamon to make them invisible?” As he said this, Joseph’s grin became larger. “I mean, I could tell you the answer, but you know what they say: ‘A good magician…’”
The brunette paused for a brief second as he flexed his muscles. The moment he did so, an audible stretching sound could be heard, followed almost immediately by a distinct SNAP!
“‘Never reveals his secrets!’” He finished as the clackers, which had previously been tied behind his back, suddenly flew forward, with Joseph releasing his grip on them mid-flight. As a result, the impromptu weapons shot toward Mr. Satan at hypersonic speeds, and while he wouldn’t be able to react in time, the World Champion still closed his eyes as he braced himself, ready to feel the inevitable pain.
One could only imagine his surprise when, rather than having his bones snapped by two steel balls, nothing seemed to happen. In fact, it was as if the clackers had disappeared into thin air!
Opening his eyes a bit, Hercule looked down at himself, only to find that he was completely unharmed. Looking back up, he found that Joseph was still sporting the same grin as before.
“Let me guess: you’ve still got something planned, right?” Satan asked.
“With how pig-headed you are, I don’t even need to plan that far ahead! I could probably outthink you even while I’m asleep!” His opponent boasted.
“Is that so?” Hercule chuckled as he pulled out a new capsule. ‘Please let this be the one I think it is!’ He prayed, pressing the cap and tossing it to the ground as it exploded into a cloud of smoke. Once it dispersed, the pill’s contents were revealed: a white jetpack with a red Capsule Corp logo plastered on its middle. At seeing this, he let out a mental sigh of relief before strapping it on.
“Then let’s see how you outthink this!” He taunted, a burst of flame emerging from the pack and sending him flying into the air.
The champ’s uproarious laughter could be heard echoing across the entire block, only stopping once he’d felt he hit the peak of his ascension. Once he’d done so, he looked down and flashed JoJo a shit-eating grin.
“So whaddya plan to do about this, huh? Unless you’re hidin’ a jetpack under your sleeves, all you’ve got left are a couple- hm?” Mr. Satan’s taunt was cut off as an he began to hear a faint but all-too familiar crackling sound. Realizing what it was, he began leaning to the side in an attempt to avoid it, but unfortunately for him, it would seem luck wasn’t on his side.
From behind him, spinning at inhumanly fast speeds, were the clackers Joseph had used earlier. While the first had only served as a distraction rather than the instant KO their owner had hoped for, it seemed the newest pair would pick up its slack! In only the past few seconds, the clackers had built up an impressive amount of speed, and they only seemed to be growing with each microsecond. The metal toys would soon hit their peak, and then-
FWOOSH!
The second clacker shot forward, fully intent on slamming into either Hercule’s body or his jetpack. With the signature crackle of Hamon growing louder by the second, he proved quick to shift himself to the right, intent on avoiding an extremely painful bludgeoning.
The signature CLANG of metal colliding against metal could be heard by the entire crowd, followed by an orchestra of extinguishing flames and a sputtering engine. Despite knowing this could only mean one thing, Mark looked back at his jetpack and gave a nervous gulp at what he saw. As it turned out, the clackers had struck with enough force that one of the jet’s thrusters had shattered, now reduced to hundreds of metal shards and debris. ‘Ah crap!’ Hercule thought to himself, followed by a high-pitched, girly scream as he began descending through the air. In a desperate attempt to prevent himself from slamming back-first onto solid concrete, he began rapidly smacking his fist against the remaining thruster. By the fifth punch, the thruster had come to life, though it had come at a price. While its flames had managed to save him from being injured, its newfound lack of balance had led to him darting all over the place, hanging on for dear life as he tried to find a safe spot to let go. He expected this would happen soon, but it seemed fate was not on his side. The thruster shot him through the air at a downward angle, and with it he found himself hurtling toward the one spot he hadn’t wanted to be in: directly toward Joseph. To make matters worse, the Brit had somehow managed to arm himself with a sledgehammer. JoJo brought both arms back, almost as if he was some sort of baseball player, and then- once Hercule was close enough- he swung as hard as he could!
KRACKT!
The hammer slammed into Hercule’s face, striking with enough force that his nose audibly broke. This pain was enough to make him release his grip on the thruster, and without any support the champion was sent crashing into one of the many buildings behind Joseph. Quickly recovering, he noticed that he was now upside down, as he was now viewing both Joseph’s smug grin and the audience’s surprised expressions through the gap between his spread legs. Placing both feet against the ground, he wasted no time in hopping back up, repositioning himself so that he’d land upright. As he took a brief moment to check his now broken nose, Mr. Satan heard Joseph call out once again.
“So is there anything left for you to embarrass yourself with, or are you ready to hold up to your end of the bargain?” Turning to face him, the martial artist’s expression soured as he met JoJo’s infuriating grin. “After all, I’d be glad to keep humiliating you like this, but I also wouldn’t mind getting back to the table before my lunch gets cold!”
“Well, if you’re feeling hungry, then maybe you won’t mind tasting a sample of my Megaton Punch!” Mr. Satan offered as he ran forward at top speed, emphasizing the sentence with a straight punch that slammed right into Joseph’s cheek. For a brief moment, the champ grinned, but this would soon falter into a look of shock as Joseph powered through the punch and glared at him furiously.
“Uh… I mean, it was just a suggest-” Mark’s attempt at defending himself was cut short as his would-be target retaliated with his own attack, this one being a left hook accompanied by his clackers.
CRACK!
The moment it made contact, Hercule stumbled back, clutching at the newfound head injury. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t concentrate enough to push through the pain, and his attacker really wasn’t helping matters.
With each second that passed, the frequency with which Joseph swung his clackers would continue to increase. His arms couldn’t even be seen at this point, but Mr. Satan could still feel each one make contact. At this point the champ wasn’t sure if Joseph was just trying to knock him out or actually kill him, but either way he didn’t intend to find out!
In a desperate attempt to turn the tides of battle, Mr. Satan performed his trademark Dynamite Kick, slamming his foot directly into JoJo’s stomach. Though this seemed to have no effect, it proved to be part of the plan as the battered celebrity kicked off of his adversary’s body.
With the grace of a swan, Hercule flipped through the air, just barely avoiding Joseph’s latest hit. While still in midair, he reached into his gi and, in a surprising burst of speed, threw out the first weapon he could grab: a Game Boy. The handheld Nintendo console smacked its British target in the face, causing him to briefly stagger back. Before his opponent could even recover, Mr. Satan pulled out a detonator and quickly pressed against its button. The Game Boy flashed a bright white, and then-
BOOM!
It burst open into a massive explosion that sent the Joestar skidding back. With this gaping window of opportunity before him, Hercule wasted no time in rushing forward and once again unleashed a rapid combo of punches and kicks. Unlike before, however, this time he was using his full strength for each blow. After what had happened last time, there was no way he’d let Joseph recover! ‘In fact, he’s not gonna pull one over on me anymore! This little charade of his ends right now!’ Hercule thought to himself as he lunged forward, intent on finishing the battle with a full-powered uppercut. The fist was mere inches from JoJo’s face, but it was then that something unexpected happened!
Just when it seemed that the uppercut was about to make contact with his face, Joseph, with the aid of his Hamon-enhanced reflexes, leaned to the side. The fist brushed past his cheek, moving so slowly that it gave him plenty of time to deliver a counter attack. With this knowledge in mind, the Hamon user threw out his own arm, focusing the Sun-like energy through the limb to form a-
“ZOOM PUNCH!”
-that launched it forward, causing it to elongate like rubber and send Mr. Satan rocketing back. Once he felt the technique had hit its peak in length, Joseph grabbed the celebrity by his gi and dragged him back at hypersonic speeds.
“What? How did you-“ Hercule struggled to ask, still trying to catch his breath from the Hamon-infused sucker punch.
“At this point, you should realize what the answer is, but just in case I’ll give you one last demonstration! Hooooooh….” Joseph took a deep breath, causing Hamon to begin rippling all throughout his arm. Once he felt he had gathered enough, the Brit’s gaze steeled as he declared “Take this! Hamon Overdrive!”
With inhumanly fast speed, he struck the prone celebrity with an energy-enhanced karate chop to throat. The moment it made contact, Mr. Satan could only let out a strangled series of gasps as he felt something enter into his body.
It was hot, almost to the point of overwhelming him, and it was beginning to make his body audibly crackle. Its influence spread with each passing nanosecond, raising his body temperature by several degrees and causing him to break out into a cold sweat. His vision was beginning to blur, and dozens of spots were dancing around in his vision. His clothes had become damp with sweat, and at this point there was so much heat building up that he felt he was going to explode! The energy inside of him reached its peak, and then it just seemed to… stop.
In what could only be described an anticlimax, all of the pent-up energy seemed to leave Hercule’s body, though this wasn’t a cause for celebration. He seemed to be paralyzed, almost as if his entire body had gone fully numb, and he couldn’t move no matter how hard he tried!
“Wh-what’s going on here? What did that gold crap of yours do to me?” He asked, his tone confused and slightly fearful as he looked at Joseph, whose eyes now shone with a mischievous glint.
“Oh, that ‘gold crap’ wasn’t much, just a small jolt of Hamon into your system. It’ll only last for about a minute.” He explained, only for his grin to widen as he continued with “But that’s more than enough time for me to kick your ass with these!”
As he finished speaking, the Joestar pulled out another pair of clackers. At seeing them, Mr. Satan gulped, as he realized just what his captor was planning to do with them.
Reeling his arm back, Joseph then proceeded to quickly slam the metal balls against Hercule’s cranium, eliciting a pained grunt. Refusing to let it end there, however, he began rapidly swinging the impromptu weapon through the air, creating an orchestra of painful-sounding CLANGs and CRACKs as the clackers repeatedly collided with Mark’s skull. Joseph’s Hamon-enhanced speed ensured that he hit the opponent hundreds of times with each passing second, and each blow resulted in the martial artist either gaining another bruise or losing more blood. To Hercule, it felt like this intense bludgeoning would go on for eternity, but it would soon come to an end as his attacker reeled his weapon back.
“And now for the grand finale!” Joseph shouted triumphantly as he took a deep breath, injecting more of the Sun-like energy into his clackers. Then, once they’d been filled to the brim, he swung as hard as humanly possible!
CRACK!
The weapon made contact with Satan’s skull one final time, hitting with enough force that its target was sent hurtling through the air! Then, with all the subtlety of a falling piano, Hercule slammed into the ground, producing a massive crater beneath his muscular form.
Upon feeling solid ground beneath him, the bloodied and battered conman attempted to place his hands against the ground, tried to push himself back up, to do anything! But no matter how much he exerted himself, it seemed he couldn’t budge an inch.
“C-come on already! Move, dammit!” He muttered, still trying to fight the inevitable. While in the middle of doing this, however, he noticed a massive shadow looming over him and slowly looked up. The moment he did so, Hercule found himself staring at the grinning mug of Joseph, who leaned over and quickly lifted the celebrity into the air.
“I’ll give you this, Hercule, you’re a pretty stubborn bastard, but even you should realize when you’re outmatched!” He announced. Upon hearing this, Mr. Satan grunted as he tried to move once more, but after a few seconds he sighed and let his body go limp.
“Alright, kid. Ya got me. I give.” He responded dejectedly.
“Great! Now, about that deal of ours…”
“Deal?”
“Come on!” Joseph said, sounding somewhat playful as he twisted Mark’s body around. “Are you telling me you actually forgot the whole reason we started this fight in the first place?”
Hercule stared at the audience, who all looked back at him with expressions of astonishment, disappointment, or disbelief.
“Oh, right. Our deal…” He muttered dejectedly as Jimmy Firecracker approach the two former rivals. Making matters worse was that the cameraman was directly behind, ready to film the champ’s confession to the entire world.
‘Well, I guess my fifteen minutes of fame were fun while they lasted.’ The former celebrity thought to himself as Jimmy pointed the mic at his face, ready to begin another interview. Much like before it would be covering Hercule’s career, but now it was focusing on a different subject: his soon-to-be-plummeting downfall.
—
And true to his namesake, Mr. Satan falls from grace!
To put it bluntly, this match wasn’t even close. In fact, it’s one of the biggest stomps I’ve written so far, probably even more than Scrooge McDuck vs Mr. Krabs. Strength-wise, Hercule caps out at Wall Level due to chopping 14 tiles in half, and given that he wasn’t hurt by doing this, it would also scale to his durability. By contrast, Joseph would be City Block Level due to fighting against the Pillar Men. The Pillar Men are naturally above vampires, among which include Phantom Blood Dio, who tanked this cruise ship’s explosion.
Speed also goes to Joseph, as he’s been able to react to a beam from the Red Stone of Aja, a feat calculated to be 2.324 times FTL. In fact, he’s likely faster since he’s been able to keep up with Kars, who can react to a UV beam at anywhere from 9.6 – 41.71 times FTL. So Joseph takes the stat trinity pretty handily. What about everything else?
Experience goes to Mr. Satan since outside of being the older of the two, his constant attendance in martial arts tournaments put him above Joseph, but only by a slight margin. Intellect and strategy both go to Joseph, since he’s often shown using his mind to analyze opponents for weaknesses and exploiting the environment to his advantage. In fact, given that he’s used this strategic mindset to overpower more experienced opponents, Hercule’s experience advantage ultimately didn’t matter. Unlike his opponent, Mr. Satan’s only ever used his mind to think up lies and pull off simple tricks on the Dragon Ball populace, most of whom are complete morons and nowhere near Joseph when it comes to intellect.
When it comes to arsenal, Hercule’s explosives gave him the edge in destructive capability, but Joseph countered this with his arsenal’s versatility (as seen with his Tommy gun, grenades, sledgehammer, crossbow, and clackers). Additionally, as mentioned above, his strategic mind could let him think up new weapons on the fly by exploiting the environment to his advantage. If he ever had a reason to, he could use either the Joestar Secret Technique or Near Death Survival Technique to stall for time and think up another plan. If that didn’t work, he could just bust out his ultimate weapon: the Red Stone of Aja. When combined with either the sunlight or his Hamon (which will be explained below), it would fire off a beam that moves too fast for Hercule to react (as shown in the first speed calc) and is more than strong enough to burn through him.
But Joseph’s advantages don’t end there: there’s also his Hamon. This gave him a massive edge in versatility, since he could use it to boost his physicality further (widening the stat gap in the process); heal off any damage Mr. Satan could inflict (if he ever does get damaged); boost the strength of his weapons; or he could combine its durability-negation with his vastly superior speed to one-shot Hercule.
Finally, there are their techniques, and Joseph dominates even in this department. Mr. Satan’s just got basic punches, kicks, or a combo of both. By contrast, Joseph’s Overdrive could boost the strength of his weapons (as mentioned above), or give him better long-range options by focusing it through a bottle of liquid. His Hamon Hair Attack gives him defensive options. Hamon Overdrive could burn through Mr. Satan’s body until it explodes. The Zoom Punch and Clacker Volley are both larger options for long-range, while the Clacker Boomerang is that plus an attack that gives him an edge in unpredictability. And if he was ever backed into a corner- well, I mentioned how he could use the Joestar Secret Technique and Near Death Survival Technique above.
To summarize, Hercule had the more destructive weaponry and an edge in experience, but Joseph took this due to outclassing him hard in the stat trinity, having a more strategic mind, being craftier, possessing a more varied arsenal, and being more versatile thanks to his Hamon.
Looks like Hercule’s chances of victory were nothing more than a Ripple in a pond.
The winner is Joseph Joestar.
Joseph Joestar (Winner)
+ Leagues ahead of Mr. Satan in the stat trinity + Eclipses Mr. Satan in intelligence and strategy by miles + Larger arsenal, which is only furthered by his craftiness + Hamon let him boost his stats further, gave him better versatility, and could negate Hercule’s durability + Joseph’s techniques > Hercule’s – Less experienced + But he’s used to fighting more experienced opponents – Less destructive weaponry + Though his craftiness made this a nonissue
Hercule Satan (Loser)
+ More experienced – But Joseph’s used to fighting opponents who have this advantage + More destructive weaponry – Which Joseph could counter with his craftiness – Literally everything else
As children, we are often taught the usual lessons in life: Eat your vegetables to grow stronger and healthier, you can do anything if you put your mind to it, and cheaters never win. As we grow older, however, we see the truth: a diet of vegetables won’t do jack to your fitness without proper exercise, reality and society limit our ability to act out what we truly desire in life (be it getting a job you want or buying an expensive car), and that people who lie and cheat will sometimes be more successful than you’ll ever be. And these two fighters have been able to prove that last point in spades.
Joseph Joestar, the main protagonist of Battle Tendency and 2nd JoJo in the Joestar bloodline.
And Mr. Satan, long-time champion of the World Martial Arts Tournament.
I’m Br3ndan5, and I’ll be analyzing their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
Thanks to Mr-Pepsi-and-Pizza for the Hercule bio.
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Joseph Joestar Aliases: JoJo Age: 18 Height: 6’5 Weight: 213 lbs Occupation: Hamon Master First Appearance: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure – Chapter 45: Joseph Joestar of New York, Part 1 (November 2, 1987) Themes:
Feats: -Using a bottle of Coca-Cola and Hamon, took out two corrupt police officers -Defeated the newly vampirized Straizo using a Tommy gun, grenades, and a shot glass -Attempted to infiltrate a Nazi base by disguising himself as a woman -But he was quickly seen through -Within the span of a month, became a skilled Hamon user after training with his mother Lisa Lisa -Despite being starved and dehydrated, still managed to climb the 24 meter tall Hell Climb Pillar, which had previously claimed the lives of multiple Hamon trainees -Defeated the Pillar Men by using a combination of his intelligence, Hamon, and self-admitted luck –This is impressive, considering that the Pillar Men had a history of killing Hamon users, to the point where they weren’t even fazed upon hearing that Joseph could use it –-In fact, prior to their fight, Esidisi had already killed one of the few remaining Hamon users -Defeated the Ultimate Lifeform Kars by slamming him into a volcano and using the Red Stone of Aja to cause an eruption that launched both himself and the Pillar Man into space -Survived the resulting fall from the stratosphere and into the ocean -Crashed his own funeral -Caused two plane crashes
Born on September 27, 1920 to George Joestar II and Elizabeth, Joseph’s life was not a happy one. His father had been enlisted into the army to serve as a pilot during the first World War, leaving Elizabeth to care for Joseph by herself. Unfortunately, George would never return home, as during his service he discovered that one of his superior officers was actually a zombie created by the Joestar family’s arch-nemesis, Dio Brando. In an attempt to end the last remnants of Dio’s bloody rivalry with his bloodline, George attempted to kill the undead creature using the art of Hamon, but he would realize too late that he was not properly trained.
Seeking vengeance for her husband’s demise, Elizabeth tracked down the zombified officer and used her own Hamon to burn him to death. Unfortunately, she would be discovered by an officer, leading her to becoming a fugitive and forcing her to flee the country. In an attempt to prevent him from being in the same situation as his parents, Joseph would be told by both his grandmother Erina and the Joestar family friend/honorary uncle Robert E. O. Speedwagon that they had died during the war.
Years would go by, with Joseph showing exceptional usage of Hamon and often combining it with his natural wit and intellect to produce complex strategies designed to outwit his opponents. While accompanying Erina on a trip to New York, Joseph would encounter Smokey Brown, a young black man and infamous pickpocket, who he would later befriend after protecting him from a group of racist cops. During their trip, Joseph would learn from a mafioso that Speedwagon had been reported dead during an expedition in Mexico, infuriating him due to the man’s carelessness when describing it to Erina. Later that night, Joseph would find himself attacked by Straizo, an old friend of his grandfather’s who had turned himself into a vampire and was responsible for Speedwagon’s supposed death. Furious, Joseph attacked Straizo, ultimately prevailing by using a Tommy gun, 10 grenades, and a shot glass to end the vampire’s threat. Before he died, however, Straizo revealed to Joseph that Speedwagon was still alive, leading the Joestar to travel to Mexico.
While there, Joseph learned from an assassin that the Nazis had taken Speedwagon hostage and were trying to use his knowledge to awaken an ancient being called a Pillar Man. Joseph would then sneak into the base, albeit after an unsuccessful attempt at disguising himself as a woman, and confront Santana, the creature that the Nazis had awakened. After an extremely difficult fight, Joseph would eventually triumph over Santana by using the Pillar Man’s weakness to sunlight against him and free Speedwagon from his imprisonment. Unfortunately, his journey wasn’t done yet, as he would later discover that the Nazis had unearthed three more Pillar Men, all of them set to awaken at any time. In an attempt to stop this, Joseph would team up with Caesar Zeppeli, a fellow Hamon user and descendant of Will A. Zeppeli, and together they would begin training under Lisa Lisa, a Hamon master who would later reveal herself to be his mother.
Strength: -Should be City Block Level due to trading blows with the Pillar Men, who are above Phantom Blood Dio -Phantom Blood Dio was durable enough to survive the explosion of a cruise ship -Shoved his fist into a police officer’s nose with enough force that he ripped through it, removing several teeth in the process -Using a Tommy gun as a bludgeon, knocked the vampire Straizo through a window -Broke the noses of two Nazi guards with a kick -Managed to climb the infamous Hell Climb Pillar despite spending the entire trek (which lasted 61 hours and 9 minutes) without any food, water, or rest -Can hold himself up with only two fingers -Tore Santana in half -Poked through Esidisi’s hand -Chopped through one of Kars’ bone blades with his bare hands -Kept Lisa Lisa from falling to her death by holding onto her -Can be further boosted by his Hamon (See “Powers and Abilities” below)
Agility: -Tends to perform acrobatics on a daily basis -Performed an aerial cartwheel to escape Esidisi’s grip -Pole-vaulted to avoid being crushed by Wamuu’s chariot -Somersaulted while sliding under a wave of oil -Has performed corde lisse tricks against Kars
Speed: -Faster than Light to Faster than Light+, as he could avoid this laser from the Red Stone of Aja and was able to keep up with Kars, who can react to a beam of ultraviolet light -Fired off a Hamon-infused bottle cap in the time it took for a cop to pull the trigger on his gun -Intercepted a punch from a mafia henchman and placed a coat hanger in his place -Avoided Straizo’s Space Ripper Stingy Eyes, which can move at Hypersonic speeds -Stuck 12 grenades onto Straizo’s scarf without him noticing -Caught a falling war hammer using the ring on his finger
Durability: -City Block Level via scaling to his strength -Shrugged off being shot in the shoulder by Straizo’s Space Ripper Stingy Eyes -Shrugged off being stabbed by multiple cactus needles -Allowed himself to be absorbed by Santana -Santana’s a Pillar Man, whose cells secrete a digestive acid that dissolves whatever it touches down to a cellular level -Was thrown by Santana into the metal ceiling of a Nazi lab hard enough to dent it -Shrugged off being stabbed through the hand -Came out unscathed after being caught near the explosion of a stick grenade -Took Caesar Zeppeli’s Bubble Launcher to the face -Survived having his wrist slit by Wamuu -Took a metal crossbow ball to the side -Shrugged off a weakened Divine Sandstorm -Even when weakened, Divine Sandstorm is still extremely destructive -Was slammed into a stone wall by Wamuu’s severed hands with enough force to crack it -Took part of Wamuu’s Atmospheric Rift attack -Piloted a German warplane at over 200 mph and was unaffected by the harsh winds -Was repeatedly bitten by multiple piranhas -Fell out of the aforementioned plane while it was still in flight -The only reason he wasn’t crippled was because Stroheim broke his fall -Stood inside of an erupting volcano -Endured burns from Kars’ powered-up Hamon, which is said to be as hot as the Sun -Was launched into the upper atmosphere by an erupting volcano -Survived a fall from the upper atmosphere all the way down to the ocean -Keep in mind he was trapped on a rock while this was occurring, meaning he should’ve died on impact –In addition to this, he had been willing to die at that point, but something inside of him activated at the last second, pushing him to keep going
Stamina: -Spent the entirety of his test on the Hell Climb Pillar (which lasted 61 hours and 9 minutes) without any food, water, or rest -Managed to take on Wamuu despite bleeding out from the wrist -Kept fighting despite massive amounts of blood loss from having his arm amputated
Intelligence: -Joseph’s most defining trait -Is easily one of the most intelligent characters in the franchise, to the point where he’s been able to defeat physically superior or more experienced opponents through craftiness alone -Can deduce even the most minute details on someone just by a simple glance
Skills:
Cunning and Clever: -Constantly analyzes his opponent both in and out of battle -Is able to improvise weaponry and exploit the environment to his advantage -Was able to outwit the Pillar Men, who are over a millennia old and possess great intelligence -Defeated Santana by tricking him into falling into a well and holding him above the water long enough for the Sun to rise -Defeated Esidesi, who matched him in intellect and craftiness, by using a rope trick to distract him and forcing Hamon into the Pillar Man’s body -Sabotaged Wamuu’s chariot by placing rubble under its wheels while he and the audience were distracted -Beat Wamuu in a chariot race by channeling Hamon into the reigns, destroying the Pillar Man’s arms, and followed it up by throwing a bottle of oil and a Hamon-charged, burning headband at him
Dirty Fighting: -Willing to use anything he can to win a fight, no matter how underhanded it is -Will even feign cowardice or play dead if it means he can gain an advantage
Expert Motorcyclist: -Can expertly drive a motorcycle
Expert Pilot: -Despite having no prior training, he was able to pilot military aircraft with ease
Personality: -Is hotheaded, impetuous, and confrontational -Aside from his grandmother Erina and his mother Lisa Lisa, he holds no respect toward any authority figures, being willing to threaten policemen and mafioso alike -Enjoys taunting his enemies in order to aggravate them -Enjoys outsmarting his opponents with his schemes -Believes anything is fair game in a fight, provided one isn’t needlessly cruel -Has a tendency to flirt with women, often commenting on their voluptuousness and good looks -Will become pissed-off if his intelligence is insulted in any way -Is a huge fan of Superman comics
Weapons and Equipment:
Grenades: -Used 10 of them to blow Straizo to kingdom come
Tommy Gun: -Used to riddle Straizo with bullets -If emptied, Joseph can charge it with Hamon and use it as a bludgeon
Motorcycle: -Should be able to go at about 200 mph -Can use it to run people over
Clackers: -A pair of metal spheres held together by a string -Can be used as makeshift nunchucks, bolas, or a bludgeon -Can increase their strength by conducting Hamon through them -Used in conjunction with his Hamon to pull off the Clacker Volley technique (See “Techniques” below)
Wool Hat: -Used against Esidesi by unraveling it and using its strings to form a net -Can conduct Hamon into it to weaken his captive
Sledgehammer: -Used during the chariot race against Wamuu -Was slathered in oil to make it conduct Hamon, further boosting its striking power
Crossbow: -An ancient, heavy crossbow used while fighting Wamuu -Drawstring is extremely difficult to pull back and possesses heavy recoil -Can increase the power of its iron balls by charging them with Hamon
Red Stone of Aja: -A rare, perfect gemstone that was passed down from a Roman emperor to several warriors before ending up in the possession of Lisa Lisa -Can absorb light or Hamon and refract it a billion times, firing it in the form of a powerful laser -When used by Kars, his Hamon, which is far above Joseph’s, managed to trigger a volcanic eruption that sent him into space
Prosthetic Hand: -Built by German scientists as thanks for stopping the Pillar Men -Replaced Joseph’s left hand after it had been amputated by Kars -Likely stronger than his normal hand due to being made of metal
Anything he can get his hands on: -Thanks to his craftiness, Joseph’s been able to use things like mirrors, shot glasses, hair, a well, pasta, pigeons, icicles, pebbles, volcanoes, and even an airplane to gain the upper hand in a fight
Powers and Abilities:
Hamon: -Also called Ripple or Sendo -An ancient martial art that uses proper breathing to emulate sunlight, allowing the user to further their physicality and senses -Joseph’s senses are skilled enough that he can hear Donovan, who’s so quiet that not even bats can locate him -Can use it to heal others or himself -Jonathan, Joseph’s grandfather and a fellow Hamon user, managed to use it repair his broken neck and eject poison from his body -Can be conducted through water and metal, with earth and fire serving as gray lines -Is able to use it to walk on water or other surfaces that are difficult to walk on (like spikes) -Once used it to slide up a river of highly-pressurized oil -While it’s meant to be used against the Pillar Men and the undead, it can also be used against living beings -By focusing it into living beings, Joseph can bypass their durability and knock them out just by touching them -Has incorporated its use into many different techniques (See “Techniques” below)
Techniques:
Prediction: -Is able to accurately predict his opponent’s next words before they even say it -Done to intimidate his opponent and make their actions more predictable
Overdrive: -Joseph focuses Hamon through an object, either infusing it into said object for greater power or sending it out to strike at whatever’s on the other end
Hamon Hair Attack: -Joseph focuses Hamon into strands of hair, making them hard enough to block incoming projectiles -If he has enough strands, he can use this attack to create a barrier that’s strong enough to block bullets
Rebuff Overdrive: -Joseph charges Hamon into his elbows before delivering powerful strikes to his opponent
Hamon Overdrive: -Joseph channels Hamon into his arm and delivers a powerful chop, slowly transferring the energy into whatever was struck until it explodes
Zoom Punch: -Joseph throws his arm forward, using Hamon to stretch the joints and make it extend -While using this move, the Hamon dulls the pain of his joints breaking
Clacker Volley: -Joseph hurls a pair of Hamon-charged clackers at his opponent -Can throw them from behind his back, allowing them to ricochet off of other surfaces before hitting their target
Clacker Boomerang: -Joseph throws out two pairs of clackers into a beam or pillar behind the opponent, with one side of the first clacker lodging itself into the partition while the other side grabs onto the second pair. After a few seconds, the second pair of clackers will be launched back, hitting the opponent from behind
Near Death Survival Technique: -Joseph willingly puts his own life in danger in order to push himself past his own limits -In actuality, it’s just meant to distract his opponent while he comes up with another plan
The Joestar Secret Technique: -According to Joseph, this technique has been passed down the Joestar family line for generations -Joseph’s legs tense up for a brief moment before he takes off running at top speed -In actuality, this is just meant to stall for time while he tries to think up another plan, keeping a close eye on his surroundings for anything he can use to win –He can also use this to lure his opponent away from others -Meant as a last resort should his other attacks fail
Weaknesses: -His strategies are a huge gamble as to whether or not they’ll work -Has a tendency to be reckless and cocky -Is easily angered -Can start panicking if his opponent manages to match him in intellect and strategy -Hamon requires proper breathing in order to be maintained
(“What did you say? Depending on your answer, I may have to kick your ass!”)
——————————————————
Mark “Hercule” Satan Aliases: Mr. Savage, Enfer, Master Handsome, The World’s Champion, The Champion of the Universe Height: 6’2 Weight: 208 lbs Occupation: Martial Artist, Wrestler, Martial Arts Teacher, Actor First Appearance: Dragon Ball Z: Volume 33, Chapter 393 (October 6, 1992) Theme:
Feats: -Became the Number One Martial Artist in the World -The world’s go-to guy for alien attacks -By human standards, is amazingly powerful -Was close to saving the world from Buu and didn’t even use violence -His near-death experience is the entire reason the Buu saga continued -Has lied to the world about beating Cell and Buu for years -It was thanks to him that Goku successfully used the Spirit Bomb on Buu
In the world of Dragon Ball, there are none more revered and admired by the people than the legendary martial artist known as Mr. Satan. But before he was the savior of the people, he was only known as Mark, a student of the “Satan Castle” dojo. Through a combination of his own strength and insanely good luck, Mark would eventually rise through its ranks and become the world champion of martial arts, taking on the name of his old dojo as a way of honoring it and so he could look better for the cameras.
This streak of good luck would nearly come to an end, however, when he and his master went out for a drink and wound up making fun of one guy’s hair. As it turned out, the man they’d been making fun of was the infamous Mercenary Tao, who proceeded to teach them a lesson by grievously injuring Mr. Satan and killing his master before his eyes. From that day forward, Mr. Satan swore that he would never fight someone who had a secret identity or seemed insanely strong…
…at least until a few years later, when the bio-android Cell announced to the world that he was organizing a fighting tournament and that the planet’s existence was on the line. After hearing this announcement, Hercule made his own, telling the people that he planned to challenge Cell directly. Days later, the tournament would begin, and Mr. Satan would be the first to stand up against the green-shelled threat…
As well as the first to fall. Despite this, he somehow managed to survive the events of the tournament, ultimately claiming victory and telling the entire world that he had beaten Cell single-handedly since no one else was around to witness what had actually happened. Fortunately for him, the populace proved to be easily fooled, and Mr. Satan would eventually grow to become the world’s hottest celebrity and go-to hero whenever Earth was in danger, always boosting his reputation further by taking credit for the other heroes’ work.
Physicality:
Strength: -By human standards, is amazing -Pulled 4 buses behind him with no support -Punched through one of the aforementioned buses -Ripped three giant phone books in half -Kicked pre-transformation Spopovich across and out of an arena with one shot -Broke twelve stone slabs in one chop
Speed and Agility: -His reflexes and punching speed are above-average -Was able to jump over Spopovich -Before being shot in the Buu Saga, he managed to move fast enough to disappear from view
Durability: -Survived being backhanded by Cell into a mountain, which he then fell down -Was punched “gently” by Kid Trunks, launching him across the field and into a brick wall -He still managed to get up, and put it off as him faking that loss -While in a staged “fight” against Android 18, remained conscious after she lightly tapped him on the head -Keep in mind that even her weakest slaps still have impressive striking strength behind them, as shown when she tested her strength with the same machine that Hercule himself used -While trying to drink a bottle of beer in a empty saloon, survived a shockwave from a distant explosion that leveled the building he was in at the moment
Skills and Abilities:
Martial Arts: -Trained for years -Not counting any of the Z-Fighters, is the top martial artist on earth -Can even fight in the air while using his jet pack
Luck: -His survival and some of his achievements are due to his insane luck -These include: -Cell holding back during his backhand -Kid Buu holding back his first attack -Fat Buu saving him just as Kid Buu was about to kill him
Lies and Bribery: -Good at escaping serious danger with the use of lies -His stomach hurting, for example -He’ll also try to bribe his opponent with riches in an attempt to convince them to throw the fight
Techniques:
Dynamite Kick: -One of Hercule’s signature moves -Probably very effective against humans, though it does barely anything to superhumans
Satan Punch/Megaton Punch: -Another of his signature moves
King of Dreamers: -Hits the opponent with several kicks and punches, then throws them behind himself
Dynamic Mess ‘Em Up Punch: -Punches the opponent several times, then finishes with a final punch
Rolling Hercule Punch: -Hercule rolls toward the opponent before hitting them with a powerful punch
Weapons and Equipment:
Jetpack: -Allows Hercule to fly at high speeds, and even puts him on par with some other DBZ characters in speed -Can also produce a large short-range blast of fire
45 Calibur Gun: -Nothing special about it, it’s just a gun
Game Boy Bomb: -A Game Boy which also doubles as a remote-controlled explosion
Rocks: -Will use rocks as projectiles
Mortar: -A large and powerful explosive -Has the off chance of exploding in front of him
Grenades: -Regular grenades
Bazooka: -Just a regular bazooka that Hercule carries around
Rocket Launcher: -Fires up to four rockets
Weaknesses: -Compared to other DBZ characters, is pathetic -Has no ki-based combat skills -Terrified of superhumans and ki users -Usually only resorts to firearms and explosives against extremely powerful foes -Is still human and can be killed by regular means -Getting shot for example
(“Cell, you see these pieces of busted tile on the ground? Heh, heh! Well, that’s what I’m gonna do… to your face!”)
Alright, the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all! It’s time for a Death Battle!
——————————————————
Beach near the outskirts of Duckburg
A cold breeze blew over the warm summer air, with the sound of blowing wind accompanied by the light brushing of the waves crashing against the sand. This perfect weather had attracted the attention of various beachgoers, all of whom had gone there to relax in a different way. Some were busy sunbathing in an attempt to work on their tans, others had decided to play a game of volleyball, several families had decided to build sand castles with their kids, and there was even a surfing competition that some of the townspeople had decided to enter.
Unfortunately, whatever tranquility these people had been expecting was about to be swept away. Although most of them were too busy conversing with others or too invested in their activities to notice it, there seemed to be something preparing to come out of the water- no, upon closer inspection it seemed like there were two things!
Emerging out of the water like a speeding rocket was a blue, toy-sized racecar, one that had a sealed glass bottle securely tied to the top of its hood. The bottle itself contained a rolled-up sheet of paper, one that was of great importance to the other being who was currently making his way to the surface.
Almost immediately after, said other being ran out of the water, with his appearance causing the beachgoers to stop what they were doing and divert their attention directly toward him. From the looks of things, he seemed to be an anthropomorphic crab, sporting a crimson shell and a massive pair of claws. Large, tall eyestalks extended out from his head, with a short, crinkled nose directly below them. His only clothing consisted of a light blue polo shirt and a pair of purple slackers held up by a ridiculously thick belt. Since he wore no shoes, his short, stubby legs were exposed to the world, though they were barely visible with how fast he was running.
“Get back here with me formuler, Plankton!” The deep, baritone voice of Mr. Krabs angrily demanded as he chased after his arch-rival.
“If you want it so badly, then all you have to do is catch up to me, Krabs! But when compared to my new hot rod, the only thing you’ll be getting is a helping of my microscopic dust!” Sheldon J. Plankton boasted from inside his vehicle. Then, in an attempt to further the distance between them, the diminutive thief placed his foot against the accelerator, forcing his invention to drastically accelerate in speed. Unfortunately for Sheldon, his business rival responded in kind, moving fast enough that he was actually starting to close the distance between them. Once he was close enough, the crustacean began reaching down in an attempt to pluck the automobile from the sand. As he watched the meaty claw descend onto his position, the single-celled organism’s only response was to give a devious grin.
“Rather impressive, but you’re still nowhere near my top speed! Especially not once I shift GEARS!” As if to emphasize this, Plankton grabbed hold of a nearby gear stick and cranked it up to the highest level, causing the minuscule automobile’s rear to begin changing form. In the span of a second, it had created a medium-sized thruster that activated almost immediately, spewing out flames that sent its driver out of the beach and onto the streets at top speed. While still somewhat behind, the portly restaurant owner was doing his best to keep up, his stubby legs moving as fast as they possibly could.
[Stop music]
Unbeknownst to either of them, however, another pair of rivals were in the midst of their own squabble just several blocks away.
“Get outta the way! Move it!” An elderly duck angrily demanded as he ran through the streets, bumping into people or shoving them aside. He was rather short, sporting a thick head of feathery hair with sideburns that seemed to connect to an equally large beard. His hair was mostly covered by a Scottish bonnet that lay atop his head, while his clothing consisted only of a black jacket and green ascot. This was the stingy businessman known as Flintheart Glomgold, and he currently held in his possession something of great importance. Hoisted over his shoulder was an almost cartoonishly large sack, filled with roughly several billion gold coins, yet its weight didn’t seem to be slowing him down at all. As he darted through the streets, his pursuer followed behind, moving so fast that he appeared to be a red-and-white blur.
“You can try as you might, but you can’t run forever, Glomgold!” Scrooge McDuck shouted angrily as he sped after his rival, literally spitting fire as he did so. Flintheart gave a haughty laugh before looking back at the wealthy Scotsman.
“Maybe not, but then again I’m not the one who’s lagging behind! It looks like your age is finally showing, Old Man McDuck!” Glomgold taunted as he continued running, taking a sharp left into a nearby alleyway. After exiting through the other side, the slender businessman took off toward the right, running as fast as possible in the hopes of finding a good hiding spot. While doing so, however, his ears picked up the sound of an engine revving, causing him to look toward its direction just in time for a blue, jet-powered toy car to burst forward. Oddly enough, it seemed there was a driver seated inside, as the car began swerving in an attempt to avoid the elderly waterfowl’s legs. Unfortunately, it seemed their attempts were too late, as the vehicle rammed directly into Flintheart’s webbed foot.
[Stop music]
Letting out a small cry of pain, Glomgold clutched his injured foot and began hopping up and down, unintentionally dropping his massive bag in the process. As he attempted to relax his aching foot, Flintheart looked down at what hit him, his expression shifting from agitation to intrigue as he noticed what was tied to it.
“What’s this?” He questioned as he bent down, swiftly untying the restraints and picking up the bottle. As he brought it to face-level, he noticed the word “formula” and gave a light grin. ‘Well, whatever it is, it sure looks important.’ He thought internally. Before he could put it inside of his bag, however, a deep-pitched voice suddenly called out, interrupting him.
“What do you think you’re doing with my formula there, buddy?” Upon hearing this, the web-footed businessman looked around, trying to find where the voice was coming from. “Over here, you fool!” Upon looking toward the voice’s direction, the duck was able to see who had insulted him: a green, two-inch tall speck that was sitting in the car’s driver’s seat.
“And just what are you supposed to be? Some sorta dust mite?” Glomgold questioned.
“The name’s Plankton, and you should answer my question first! And just in case you’re thinking of taking it, I found that formula first, so it’s going with me, got it?” The microscopic scientist asked angrily.
“Is that so?” Flintheart questioned with a smirk. “And what if I do this?” Reeling his arm back, the slender miser proceeded to chuck the toy car as hard as he possibly could, sending it spinning through the air as Plankton’s angered cries of “YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH THIS! I’LL GET MY REVENGE!” faded the farther he traveled. Looking pleased with himself, Glomgold then placed the sealed bottle inside with the rest of his stolen goods. Before he could continue his trek through Duckburg, however, he heard an all-too-familiar voice call out.
“Good of you to slow down for me, Flinty!” Turning around, Glomgold found himself face-to-face with Scrooge, who was now sporting a light smirk. “After all, you wouldn’t want Old Man McDuck to overwork himself, right?”
“L-look here, Scrooge. That whole thing where I called you an old man and stole your money… I-i-it was just a joke. So how ’bout we just-” Whatever deal Glomgold was attempting to make was cut off as his business rival suddenly rushed toward him, cane in hand as he prepared to deliver a well-earned beating.
Meanwhile, roughly an entire street away, Plankton’s screams suddenly ceased as his car hit the sidewalk, causing him to briefly jump through the air, flip around, and land upside-down on the seat cushion. As he readjusted himself, muttering angrily in the process, the mono-eyed scientist looked toward the direction he’d been launched from and glared balefully.
“So that thieving waterfowl thinks he can take what’s rightfully MINE, huh?” Plankton asked angrily, narrowing his eye. “Well, we’ll see how long he thinks that once… I…”
The micro-organism’s threat soon trailed off as he noticed a massive, portly shadow above him. Upon looking back at it, he found himself face-to-face with Mr. Krabs, who had a grin on his face.
“Well, well, well. It looks like ya finally ran out of gas, Plankton!” Eugene said cheekily as he grabbed hold of the car and raised it closer. “And now I-” his voice trailed off as he noticed a massive difference in the car’s appearance: namely, the absence of a rope and bottle.
“What the- where is it?” He questioned in a mix of horror and confusion as he began rapidly tilting the modified toy around, looking at every conceivable angle in the hopes that he’d find his stolen recipe. Upon finding that it wasn’t there, his eyes narrowed as he reached into the driver’s seat and plucked his arch-nemesis from the vehicle.
“Alright, Plankton! You’ve got five seconds to tell me what ya did with the formula, or else I’m gonna-“
“I don’t have it, Krabs!” Sheldon responded as he raised his stubby arms defensively.
“Whaddya mean, ya don’t have it?” The crustacean asked, sounding slightly irritated.
“I mean exactly what I said! Some tall duck in a coat stole it from me while I was trying to get away from you.” Plankton explained.
“What a load of barnacles! You’re telling me that you let one of these land-lubbers steal me formula and ya didn’t even bother tryin’ to fight them off?”
“Look, I know it sounds suspicious, but come on, Eugene! This is me we’re talking about! Do you really think I’d let your formula go without putting up a fight?” Plankton asked rhetorically, only to cut Krabs off when he tried to interject. “If you must know, I did everything I could to make sure he couldn’t take the formula, but in the end he was just too much for me to handle!” He explained, lying through his teeth.
“Alright, Plankton. Let’s assume for a second that I actually believe that malarkey. Where is he right now?” Eugene asked, his voice completely serious. Plankton looked at his surroundings for a brief moment before pointing west.
“He’s just down the street over there. Now, will you let me down?” Sheldon asked, sounding slightly annoyed.
“Of course.” Eugene responded calmly as he turned around, raised his former childhood friend through the air, and proceeded to flick him, striking hard enough that the two-inch tall scientist was launched across the street, his high-pitched scream echoing across the horizon. Rather than pay this any attention, however, Eugene turned his back to the fleeting speck and began walking toward where he had pointed.
Meanwhile, back with Scrooge and Glomgold, the two business rivals had finally settled their differences, as the last of the McDuck Clan came down on his rival one last time, granting the mine owner yet another welt on his head and finally knocking him out. With Flintheart incapacitated, Scrooge picked up his sack of gold. While on the way back, however, he began to notice that its weight seemed to have increased, if only by about 2 pounds, but it was still enough to concern him. Once he’d found a good spot some distance from his unconscious nemesis, McDuck laid the bag on the ground for a brief moment and opened it up. Upon doing so, he noticed the letter in a bottle that lay atop his earnings and pulled it out.
“What is this?” The Scottish duck wondered aloud as he uncorked the bottle. After pulling out the paper and unraveling it, his eyes were immediately drawn to the top, which read in bold:
SECRET FORMULA
Intrigued by this, he quickly skimmed through it and found that this was apparently a recipe for something called a “Krabby Patty.” He’d never heard of something like this, and the ingredients that were required only made him more confused.
“‘A seaweed bun’? ‘Sea ketchup’? ‘Sea mustard’? ‘Sea lettuce‘? ‘Sea onions‘?” Scrooge read aloud, his tone growing more incredulous with each word he read. Just where was this thing from, the bottom of the ocean? And even if he ignored the rather… bizarre ingredients, there was still one question that echoed through his mind, one that soon escaped his lips.
“What use would Flinty have for a burger recipe, of all things?”
He wouldn’t be able to ponder this for much longer, though, as a deep, baritone voice cut off his train of thought.
“Well, it looks like Plankton was tellin’ the truth after all.” Turning toward the voice’s direction, Scrooge found himself facing a rather irritated-looking Mr. Krabs. “Some coat-wearing duck actually managed to get a hold o-“
Eugene cut himself off with a high-pitched gasp as he saw what lay in the duck’s hand: his formula, currently unsealed from its bottle and unraveled in its entirety, basically exposed to the world.
“Y-you- How dare you!” He declared, pointing one of his big, meaty claws at Scrooge.
“How dare I, what? Who are you?” McDuck asked.
“You know exactly what you did, thief! But now you’ve just made yer predicament a thousand times worse! It’s bad enough to try and steal from the Krusty Krab, but it’s another thing to open the formuler and read through it! Give it back now, or else!” Krabs threatened.
“Now, hold on just a second, Mister…?”
“Krabs.”
“Krabs. You’ve got it all wrong. I didn’t steal this from you, nor did I know it even belonged to you. I simply found it in my bag and-“
“Save it, land-lubber! Do ya really expect me to believe your lies when not only are ya holding the formuler right in your own hands, no doubt tryin’ to memorize its recipe for yer own gain, but you’ve also got an entire sack full o’ gold right behind you, one that you also probably stole!” This accusation seemed to cause something to snap inside Scrooge, as the duck’s calm expression suddenly dropped.
“Would you care to repeat that?” Scrooge asked, his voice dangerously calm and now possessing a slight edge to it.
“You heard me! What, do ya expect that I’d really believe you coulda gotten that large sack of yours from anything else? There’s no way some greedy thief like yourself could have been able to come up with cash like that legitimately!” Eugene roared, his glare and pointing growing further in sharpness.
“So not only do you accuse me of petty thievery…” the rich duck began as he started walking closer to Eugene. “…but you also undermine the hard work and trials I’ve gone through to get this money by saying that I stole all of it.”
By this point, the two had met each other in the middle of the street, with Eugene’s nose pressing against Scrooge’s beak. They glared at each other with visible anger in their eyes, though they seemed to be expressing it differently. Eugene’s eyes were now bloodshot, and the lines on his face had started creasing, while Scrooge’s pupils had vanished, replaced by a pillar of flame that represented the raging inferno of anger bubbling from deep within.
“Am I hearing that right?” Scrooge questioned as small bursts of flame emerged from his mouth.
“Every word.” Krabs responded, meeting McDuck’s baleful glare with one of equal intensity.
“Then let me show you why you’ve just made one of the worst mistakes in your life. Let me show you why no one thinks they can squander the reputation of Scrooge McDuckand get away unscathed!” As this declaration left his mouth, Scrooge threw out a powerful left hook, sending his accuser flying across the street. Despite hitting the pavement back-first, Eugene proved quick to recover as he pushed against the ground, springing back to his feet almost immediately.
“Is that so?” Krabs questioned as he narrowed his eyes. “You think you can scare me with your reputation? BAH! I’ve gone up against worse than you in me ole Navy days!” He then put up his dukes in a fighting stance before continuing. “But if ya think ya got what it takes, then bring it on!”
[Stop music]
Scrooge responded to Eugene’s taunt by rushing forward, closing the distance between them in less than a second. Once he was close enough, the elderly Scotsman followed up from his previous assault by throwing out another punch, this one aimed at the gut. Upon making contact, the blow elicited a pained grunt from Krabs, who found himself unwillingly lurching over. Despite the slight pain he felt from how hard he’d been struck, Krabs proved quick to recover, responding almost immediately by delivering a headbutt that nailed his feathered adversary in the bill.
As McDuck stumbled back, his overweight adversary chose to capitalize on the situation and charged forward, preparing to slam into him with a shoulder tackle. While this was still occurring, however, Scrooge had managed to shake off his dizziness and looked back at his attacker. For a moment, all he could see was a vague blur rushing toward him, but even with the limited time he had, he still managed to dive to the right at the last possible second.
“YYYYAAAAHHH- huh?” Eugene’s war cry briefly turned into a confused exclamation as he realized he’d somehow missed his target. Before he could question how that was possible, he felt something latch onto one of his legs and give a hard tug, using his own momentum against him!
Despite his best efforts, Krabs could do nothing but brace himself as he flew through the air and crashed into a massive pile of trash bags that lay in the middle of a dead-end alley.
[Pause]
Upon colliding with them, all of the bags suddenly exploded outward, submerging the Krusty Krab’s founder in a sea of used objects and rotten food. As he attempted to push himself back to his feet, struggling through the trash that now covered him, Eugene heard his opponent’s voice call out.
“Well, this seems quite appropriate, if you ask me.” The restaurant owner looked up, briefly setting his voyage of trash aside to glare daggers at Scrooge. The elderly mallard stared back at him, sporting a light smirk as he held his signature cane in hand. “A bottomfeeder like yourself finding himself with the only company he’s able to keep.”
“Why you!” Krabs muttered while gnashing his teeth. “I’ll have you know that the Krusty Krab holds the honor of being the most successful restaurant in Bikini Bottom. If anything, this trash that’s surroundin’ me represents what company thieves like you keep!” He accused, pointing one of his claws at the waterfowl. As he did this, however, his furious expression suddenly shifted into one of awkward realization as he noticed a banana peel stuck on his sleeve.
“Uh…” He stammered while looking off to the side, appearing slightly embarrassed as he lowered his arm and wiped the fruit off his shirt. Once it had disappeared, the crustaceous cheapskate returned to his accusatory pointing.
“If your restaurant is serving its food at a place called Bikini Bottom, then I think it’s safe to say your reputation might not be as good as you think.” This comment only seemed to get Krabs even more riled up. In fact, he was gritting his teeth so hard that sparks actually began to fly off of them. Adding onto this anger was the fact that his eyes were growing even more bloodshot than they’d been prior.
[Continue]
With rage overtaking his mind, the miserly shellfish wasted no time as he charged forward, pulling a giant mallet out of nowhere as he closed the distance. Once he’d drawn close enough, Armor Abs Krabs unleashed a war cry of pure, unbridled fury as he brought the wooden hammer down with as much force as he could muster. It flew toward Scrooge with enough speed that, had it made contact, it likely would’ve sent him through a nearby building…
But this hypothesis would never be tested, as its supposed target responded by casually leaning back, leading the flying hammer to hit thin air. While this occurred, something caught the Scotsman’s eye: it was a manhole cover, one that had visibly come loose. As he returned to his normal position, the gears within Scrooge’s head had already begun turning, his mind quickly coming up with a strategy for how he could use this to his advantage.
As his opponent was in the midst of thinking of a new plan, Krabs was continuing his attempts at landing a successful blow, though it all seemed to be for naught. With each swing, the duck only withdrew further back, forcing Eugene to come closer to him. To make matters more infuriating for the crimson-shelled businessman, the scurvy thief was even taunting him!
“Did you feel that? I think I just a light breeze just passed by.”
SWISH!
“And there it is again!”
SWISH!
“Wait, I think I’ve got it! It’s not the wind. It’s-“
SWISH!
“Just-“
SWISH!
“Your poor-“
SWISH!
“Aim!”
As each of the swings flew past his feathered body, Scrooge took a brief moment to shift his gaze from his attacker back to the loose manhole. He was almost there! Just one more swing and he’d have this crustaceous slanderer right where he wanted him.
Stopping directly on top of the loose manhole, Scrooge turned to see Krabs’ current state. In contrast with the treasure hunter, his seafaring rival had been working himself to the point of exhaustion, and it clearly showed. His breathing had become slower, with the exhales being noticeably heavier, and his shell was practically drenched in sweat. As he watched this from where he stood, Scrooge gave a light smirk before continuing to speak.
“You know what? Since you seem to be exhausting yourself, why don’t we try something different? Next time you swing, I won’t move from my current position. No left, right, or backwards. How’s that sound?” He offered, hoping the businessman would be foolish enough to take the bait.
“Ya got yourself… a deal.” Eugene responded while he continued panting, taking a brief moment to wipe the sweat from his brow. Once he’d finished doing so, the former pirate reeled his mallet back before just as quickly bringing it down. The hammer seemed as though it would strike the duck’s cranium at any second, but this quickly changed as Scrooge leapt into the air, revealing a new victim. Krabs wouldn’t even have the time to try and withdraw his wooden hammer before it made contact with the manhole cover, forcing the metal disc out of its restraints and sending it flying toward its attacker. For a brief moment, the shellfish’s vision became obscured by gray, which was soon followed by a resounding CLANG as the cover smacked him in the face.
While he staggered back from the pain, rubbing his sore cranium in the process, the crimson-shelled cheapskate could feel something wrap around one of his legs. Then, with the utmost ease, it was tugged forward, pulling Eugene’s limb out from under him and sending him crashing onto the ground back-first.
Before he could even have a chance to recover from the disorientation, the Krusty Krab’s owner noticed something descending onto his current position, something that quickly nailed itself onto his head. A brief grunt of pain emerged from his throat, which became a common occurrence as his attacker repeatedly came down on him, each time faster than the last. After roughly twelve rapid thwacks to his cranium, Eugene decided that enough was enough. He wasn’t gonna let this no-good swindler get away with taking both his formula and his pride. Not without putting up a fight, anyway!
[Stop music]
Raising his claws into the air, the crimson capitalist quickly grabbed hold of the cane, stopping its momentum just when it was about to hit him for the umpteenth time. Then, with an audible grunt, he tossed his feathered opponent across the street. For a brief moment, it appeared that Scrooge was about to hit his head against the concrete terrain; but he proved quick to reverse his situation as he flipped around, positioning himself at enough of an angle to land on both of his webbed feet.
Upon landing, Scrooge immediately looked up, expecting to see Eugene rushing forward to prepare another attack. One could only imagine his surprise when he saw that his opponent was now directly in front of him, having somehow closed the distance between them in an instant. He didn’t even have a chance to react before Krabs smashed into his bill with a right hook, striking with enough force that his head actually snapped back. Unfortunately, this wouldn’t be enough to keep McDuck down, something he proceeded to demonstrate by countering with a wicked headbutt to the eyestalks!
As his adversary was once again sent stumbling back, the elderly Scotsman noticed something laying some distance away. Squinting his eyes, he noticed what it was: the open manhole he’d used against Krabs earlier. At seeing this, Scrooge gave a light smirk as he reached into his coat and pulled out two weapons. They were identical in appearance, with both being some sort of gray pistols. These were the Anti-Inertia and Neutra-Friction Rays, formidable devices created by the Cabbage Professor, and they were about to be put to good use. Aiming both of them forward, he then proceeded to pull their triggers, firing out cobalt beams that struck the disoriented shellfish directly. Despite this, Eugene didn’t seem to have any reaction to the blue rays. In fact, it was like he didn’t even notice them!
Quickly shaking his head, Krabs managed to regain enough of his orientation to see his feathered opponent standing before him with a smug expression adorning his face. Gritting his teeth, the former navy cadet began running as fast as he possibly could, hoping he could wipe that look off his opponent’s face. But it was while he was running that he noticed something odd: no matter how many steps he took, he didn’t seem to make any progress. If anything, he seemed to be stuck in place!
“What?!” He questioned in shock. “What the heck is going on? Why can’t I move?”
“From the looks of things, it seems you’re feeling the effects of my Anti-Inertia and Neutra-Friction beams. Don’t worry. It’ll wear off in, oh, let’s say a few hours?” Scrooge explained as his smirk grew wider. “Which should be more than enough time to get you outta my hair!”
Once he had finished this explanation, the elderly waterfowl simply outstretched his arm and proceeded to lightly flick the restaurant owner on the forehead. Normally this wouldn’t have affected Eugene in any way, but thanks to the lasers’ influence this otherwise ineffective tap had struck with enough force that he wound up sliding through the street. In an attempt to avert this unavoidable outcome, Krabs continued running in place, trying as hard as he could to build up some velocity. Unfortunately, his efforts would ultimately prove themselves fruitless, something he would quickly realize as he looked behind himself to see the open manhole rapidly approaching him.
In a last-ditch effort to save himself, Mr. Krabs grabbed hold of the sill, but his lack of inertia once again proved to be the ultimate obstacle. The claw didn’t even last for a second before it slipped off, leading Eugene to scream in a combination of fear and anger as he fell into the sewers. The moment he hit the surface of the murky waters, Krabs found himself swept away by its vicious current, but not before giving his opponent one last warning.
“You won’t get rid of me so easily, McDuck! I’ll be back! Eugene Krabs isn’t one to give up without a fight!” He screamed in defiance as the deluge of sewer water dragged him down with it. As these words made their way to his ears, Scrooge’s only response was to give a light chuckle.
“Then you’d better give it everything you got when you do! I’ll be waiting for ya with open arms!” He responded, yelling loud enough that Krabs could still hear him. As Eugene was carried away by the raging sewer water, Scrooge dragged his bag of stolen goods back to the Money Bin, all the while concocting a multitude of plans for Krabs’ inevitable return.
[Stop music]
Several minutes later, Krabs found himself exiting the sewer as he was launched out of a pipe and began plummeting back into the ocean. Upon hitting the ground, he shook his head in an attempt to shake the cobwebs from his mind. Once he’d done so, he pushed himself back to his feet and looked toward the surface, narrowing his eyestalks in annoyance.
“So, that thievin’ flock of feathers thinks he can pull one over on me, does he?” He questioned angrily. “Well, if he thinks those fancy-schmancy doodads of his can keep me down for the count, he’s dead wrong!”
As these words left his mouth, the determined crustacean took a step forward, but he soon realized his mistake when his frictionless body started sliding across the ground at dangerous speeds. He opened his mouth and let out a panicked scream as he made his way into Bikini Bottom’s streets. Upon spotting the various boats approaching his current location, the slippery penny-pincher began calling out in an attempt to warn them.
“Move! Hurry! Get outta the way! I can’t control myself!” He screamed, with the various drivers doing their best to put on the brakes and swerve to the side as they tried their hardest to avoid the oncoming crustacean. This chaotic trip would eventually come to an end when one driver proved too late to react, causing him to accidentally slam right into Mr. Krabs and sending the slippery miser flying through the air. Much to the surprise of the onlookers, the nigh-weightless shellfish was being flung a considerable distance, ultimately reaching his peak after roughly 15 seconds of flight. Once he had done so, the helpless restaurant owner began descending through the air at an even faster rate, leaving him to see his current landing spot. Although it was difficult to make out at first, he proved quick to realize what it was just when he was seconds away from impact: a pie truck with the label “GRANDMA’S PIES” displayed across the side, and a massive pie sitting atop it.
“Oh, barnacles.” Krabs muttered just before slamming into the truck’s side with a loud CLANG! Ashis body fell off of the truck and collapsed onto the concrete, revealing that his collision had left a massive dent in its side, Eugene noticed the truck was beginning to tilt itself on its side. As he prayed to Neptune that it wouldn’t collapse on top of him, the crimson capitalist became surprised when he saw the vehicle return to its original position. The sight of this was enough to make him sigh in relief, but the sound of creaking metal quickly extinguished this spark of optimism. Anxiously, he looked back up and found the source of this worrying noise: it was the giant pie sitting on top of the truck, now seconds away from dislodging itself.
“You’ve gotta be ki-“
Unfortunatelyfor the shellfish, his complaints would find themselves cut off as the pastry collapsed on top of him, producing an audible SPLURTCH as berry juices exploded out of the massive pastry.
[Pause music]
Exactly one second later, the sound of a baritone grunt could be heard as Krabs suddenly heaved and pushed the dessert’s enormous tin off of himself. As one would have expected, the exploding pastry had left him coated head-to-toe in its juices, drenching him a deep purple. Quickly shaking it off, both figuratively and literally, the blue-clad cheapskate’s expression grew more fierce as he looked back toward the direction he’d came.
“Alright, so maybe those blasters of his are giving me a bit more trouble than I thought. But that doesn’t mean he’s won just yet!” As he said this, Eugene took a step to the right, using a combination of his speed and newfound lack of friction to send himself flying away. He reappeared back on the street almost immediately, though there was a major difference. Now he was driving in a boat, one that he had somehow managed to obtain during the brief moment he’d been offscreen, and he was making the most of its existence.
[Continue]
From the moment he’d retrieved it, Krabs made sure to keep his foot slammed onto the gas pedal at full force, pushing it so far down that it actually became indented into the boat’s plating. In tandem with this exertion, the vehicle’s tires had begun scraping against the sand as Eugene forced it to go as fast as its spedometer would allow.
By this point, his “skin” and eyestalks had started blowing through the wind, and he was moving so quickly that his cheeks and eyes had begun stretching out wildly. Making matters worse was that he couldn’t even comprehend his surroundings. All he could make out was the light that seemed to be growing in front of him. As it drew closer, Eugene braced himself, waiting for the exact moment he’d feel the surface air once again.
In less than a nanosecond, the boat shot out from the waves, with the amount of force causing it to soar through the air for several seconds before hitting the concrete with a metallic WA-THUMP!
[Stop]
The impact was enough that Krabs shot straight into the air before suddenly coming back down, with the resulting whiplash literally crushing him flat. Looking down, the crustacean noticed his current condition and responded by using one arm to grab hold of his eyestalks. Then, with nothing more than a sharp tug, his body stretched itself out and returned to its original size.
“Phew.” He sighed, wiping his brow. “Well, that was a wild ride. Now, where could that thief have scurried o- hm?”
Whatever question he was asking himself suddenly became cut off as he noticed a certain smell in the air. It was faint, certainly enough that no ordinary person would have noticed it, but that didn’t change what it was. It was the smell of profit, of cash being earned after a job well-done, and the restaurant owner could tell exactly where it was coming from. His crinkled nose suddenly straightened itself out, with the pointed end suddenly splitting in two to form an arrow. Where was this arrow pointing, you may ask?
It stared straight ahead, pointing at the massive silver cube that lay in the distance. Engraved on the building’s front was a golden double dollar sign, which signified one thing: whatever was in there was worth a fortune.
As he gazed at the giant building that lay some distance from him, Eugene could hear the sound of animalistic growls coming from below. Upon looking down, he found what was causing them: his pockets, which had currently morphed into wolf heads that began barking or snapping at the distant cube.
“Don’t worry there, little fellas. Papa’s gonna fill you up real soon!” He spoke reassuringly to the sentient pouches, causing them to return to normal. Quickly shifting his gaze once again, the Krusty Krab’s founder put his pedal to the metal as he continued his high-speed trek, though this time he took care to keep it within the spedometer’s range. After taking a brief moment to breathe in the faint scent, he sighed.
‘I can just smell the riches in there! The gold, the dollars, all of that money, but most of all I can sniff out me formuler in there, no doubt locked away inside of some glass case!’ Krabs thought to himself. ‘Since that thieving bird stole something precious to me, maybe it’s only fair that I take something of his. With how much I’m sniffing out, he seems to be swarmin’ with money! He probably wouldn’t notice if I took, oh, a couple hundred coins to save for a rainy day.’
As this thought crossed his mind, Eugene began chuckling to himself, though he soon became quieter as he noticed dozens of yellow signs appearing before him at all sides. Each one displayed a different message, ranging from “STOP HERE,” to “BEAT IT,” to “DANGER,” to even an old-fashioned sheet of black metal with the words “NO TRESPASSING! THIEVES WILL PAY DEARLY” displayed in red.
Realizing he was getting closer to his destination, the capitalist’s expression suddenly shifted to one of suspicion as he realized something. With how long this path was, the building’s security seemed to be practically nonexistent. He hadn’t seen any guards patrolling around, nor had he found any-
BEEP!
The sound cut through the otherwise silent courtyard, interrupting his thoughts in the process. Then, with a bright flash from the unknown item…
BOOM!
“TRAAAAAAAPS!”
Both the ex-pirate and his boat were suddenly blown into the air by an explosion, sending them sky high for a brief moment before they plummeted back onto the ground with a loud CRASH!
“Looks like he’s more a toughie than he is a sharpie.” Scrooge mused to himself as he watched from inside the building. As he saw Krabs dust himself off and continue his drive, the elderly Scotsman gave a smirk. “He’s pretty determined, I’ll give him that. And since he’s so bold…” he reached for a nearby lever.
“I might as well send out the welcoming committee!” McDuck declared as he pulled the switch. Back in the courtyard, Krabs’ pupils drastically shrank, becoming the size of pinpricks as he watched dozens of cannons suddenly rise out of the grass.
“Uh-oh.” He said under his breath as one of the cannons fired at him. Just when it seemed that the cannonball was about to launch him out of the boat, the crustacean forced his vehicle to swerve to the right, with the projectile just barely grazing past his head. While he had managed to avoid it, he realized too late that in doing so he had opened himself up to the several dozen other cannons pointed his way. Seeing this, Eugene gave a nervous chuckle before bearing down on the pedal as he tried to outspeed the hundreds of lead balls coming his way. As he drifted past each of the cannons, the portly shellfish only had one goal in his mind: making his way into the Money Bin. With his stubby foot placed firmly against the pedal, he decided to make the trip a bit easier by leaning back, using his other foot to steer the wheel.
While this occurred, Scrooge was busy watching the situation unfold from his office, viewing it through the lens of a security camera that had been installed on the field. For the most part, his expression had been neutral, but now it had become one of confusion as he witnessed something that should’ve very well been impossible.
Somehow, despite not even being able to see where he was going, Mr. Krabs was actually managing to expertly drive through the field of cannons with no issue whatsoever! He was even holding both claws behind his head in a relaxed manner, furthering the impression that he didn’t seem to care about his current situation in the slightest. This would soon change, however, when a hatch suddenly opened from beneath the ground, firing out a comically large boxing glove.
WHUMP!
“WHOOOOOA!” The reckless driver called out in surprise as both his ship and himself were sent flying into the air, both of them flipping through the air multiple times before slamming back onto the ground. While still in the midst of recovering from his recent trip, he noticed a window open up, with Scrooge sticking his head out soon after.
[Pause]
“So, you finally decided to show yourself, ya yellow-bellied coward!” Krabs insulted as he glared at the distant waterfowl.
“‘Yellow-bellied coward,’ huh? Funny you’d mention that, considering what I was just about to do!” While he spoke, McDuck pulled out a pair of Colt Peacemakers and aimed them forward. “Let me introduce you to the Yella-Belly Waltz!”
[Continue]
As these words left his mouth, the Scotsman pulled the triggers on his guns, rapidly firing off multiple shots at Eugene’s feet. The crustacean let out a series of high-pitched yelps as he moved his stubby legs, only to realize too late that his lack of friction would only make his situation worse. As the slick shellfish slid around the courtyard, Scrooge noticed a rock laying to the crab’s right and shot at it, splitting the stone in two and sending it hurtling toward his adversary. The moment it connected, Eugene suddenly collapsed onto the ground, repeatedly spinning around as he continued sliding. After roughly three seconds, this humiliating spectacle would finally come to an end when the slippery cheapskate smacked headfirst into a cannon.
[0:00 – 0:03]
“AUGH!” Krabs cried out in a high-pitched voice as he felt the cannon fall onto his lower body, crushing him under its weight. In a desperate attempt to escape this unintentional prison, he began crawling against the ground, slowly freeing himself from his confines. As he watched this from the safety of his Money Bin, McDuck tapped his cane against the floor before pointing it at the crimson miser.
Back with Eugene, the semi-paralyzed businessman suddenly noticed a group of shadows standing above him, and they were all moving incredibly fast. Confused by this, he looked toward the shadows’ direction, and in doing so he was met with a truly horrifying sight. From the sky, dozens of meteors began raining down from the heavens, and all of them were converging onto one target: him!
“Aw, crud.” He muttered just as the rocks were seconds away from making contact.
BOOM!
[Stop music]
A massive cloud of flame and smoke erupted from the point of collision, with a lone figure slowly crawling out from the explosion, his entire body now black with soot and covered in cartoonish burns. Shaking it off, Krabs looked back up at Scrooge’s office and glared. He hadn’t come this far just to be humiliated! He’d get his formula back even if it killed him! That just left one question: how was he going to make it into that fortress? There’s no doubt that the place was filled with traps, and with his body still under the guns’ effects it was doubtful he’d be able to safely speed past it. So what other options did he have?
After taking a brief look around the field- first to the left, then the right- Eugene shifted his gaze until he was staring directly ahead, and it was then that he found the perfect solution to his problem. Staring him in the face was one of the many cannons that dotted the field, and it was currently empty! With the gears in his head going into overdrive, the decapod began using his slippery body to his advantage by racing toward the cannon and stuffed himself inside. Then, after lining himself up so that he was facing the Money Bin’s office window, something bizarre happened.
Almost as if it were alive, one of his eyestalks suddenly extended outward and wrapped itself around the fuse. The sentient stalk then gave a sharp tug, activating the cannon and sending its owner flying through the air with a resounding BOOM! The former cadet crashed through the window almost immediately, accompanying the entrance by delivering a powerful shoulder tackle that knocked a flabbergasted Scrooge to the ground. While he wasn’t aware of it, Eugene had- if only through sheer dumb luck- managed to discover a weakness of the Anti-Inertia Ray. The beam might’ve neutralized the force behind his attacks, but it had no effect on his personal gravity.
Unfortunately, he wouldn’t be able to recognize this, nor would he be able to exploit it again, as he was suddenly interrupted by an outside source: his pockets. Once again, his pockets had come back to life, and they were sniffing the air. Their “ears” suddenly perked up as the scent of gold filled their “nostrils,” leading the sentient pouches to begin rushing toward the source as saliva ran down their “mouths.”
“WHOOOOOAAAA!” Krabs screamed in surprise as his own pants forcibly dragged him out of the office and into the halls. Although what he’d just seen was enough to leave him heavily confused, Scrooge quickly put it aside and chose to run after the fleeing miser, mentally preparing himself just in case this turned out to be some kind of trap.
With that, the chase was on as the two businessmen darted through the Money Bin’s halls, seemingly neck and neck with each other. As they raced through each of the fortress’ floors, McDuck’s brain began going into overdrive as he tried to think up a way to stop his slippery adversary. There were dozens of options for him to choose from, though it ultimately boiled down to which one would be the best to use in this situation. Roughly four nanoseconds of debate later, the treasure hunter’s expression had gone from one of determined strategizing to a cocky smirk as he came up with an answer.
Quickly screeching to a halt, he pulled a new weapon from his coat just as Mr. Krabs pulled ahead. It was another gun, this one being a small, green pistol with a scope sitting atop it.
Now armed with his Burglar Stunner, the elderly mallard first lined up his shot, utilizing its scope as a means to make sure he was on target. Once he’d made sure of this, Scrooge pulled the trigger, firing off a red laser that immediately struck Eugene in the back before just as quickly exiting out of his chest. Surprisingly enough, the slippery invader didn’t seem to acknowledge his newfound injury, though what happened next would soon change that.
As he continued running through the Money Bin, Krabs could feel a slight heat emerging from his back. At first he’d dismissed it as just being nerves, but this notion quickly left his mind when the smell of smoke made its way to his crinkled nose. Realizing this could only mean one thing, he looked behind himself, and in doing so found the source of his problems. A small burst of flame had emerged from where the laser had hit, and it was quickly growing in size. Each nanosecond was accompanied by more of his clothes burning away and his skin being roasted into a deeper shade of red.
In a desperate attempt to extinguish the fire, Eugene began rapidly slapping the affected areas, moving so quickly that his limbs were reduced to nigh-invisible blurs as he tried to pat out the roaring inferno. Unfortunately, these attempts at extinguishing himself had left him unaware of his surroundings, something he’d only realize when his pockets ran around the corner. The moment they did so, their owner was dragged along with them, with their hastiness leading him to accidentally slam into a wall.
A pained groan began to emerge from Krabs’ throat, but it quickly crescendoed into a panicked scream as his pants violently tugged him along. In a bid to regain control, the still-burning decapod attempted to place his feet against the ground, but his lack of friction instead led him to slip and fall on his crimson-shelled rear. With no way to get back up, all the former pirate could do was continue screaming in panic as he slid along the ground, fire consuming him further with each centimeter he traveled. This would continue for several seconds, his screams echoing across the entire manor until his body was consumed by the flame. The fire continued blazing for roughly three seconds before it suddenly… stopped.
[Stop music]
In a rather anticlimactic fashion, the flames suddenly extinguished themselves, if only because there was nothing left to burn. In their place was the now gray body of Mr. Krabs, which spontaneously collapsed into a pile of ashes. The only part that remained of him were his eyestalks, which landed directly on top of their former body. As they felt this, the stalks looked down at the ashes, then back up at where they’d been headed, and it was then that both eyes widened in surprise.
“Guh… guh… guh…” Eugene’s disembodied voice stammered, completely in awe at what he was staring at. His pupils and irises changed shape, becoming a pair of gold bars that then began spinning around. These bars then began expanding outward, slowly increasing in size until they had morphed into two letters. Printed on the left stalk were the letters “GO,” while the right one displayed the letters “LD.” As these letters appeared in his eyestalks, Mr. Krabs’ awe began to subside, at least to the point where he could begin speaking once more.
“GOLD!” He shouted excitedly as his body suddenly erupted from the ashes, somehow fully clothed despite his recent immolation. As if sharing in this jubilation, the pockets on his newly-formed outfit suddenly rocketed forward. The only obstacle standing in their path was a long line of railing that separated the rest of the Money Bin from Scrooge’s profits, but thanks to Eugene’s overweight frame-
CLANG!
It was knocked off its hinges as both Krabs and his sentient pouches dove into the ocean of gold and treasures that laid below. The moment the nigh-endless amount of gold entered his personal space, the crustacean’s pockets began digging into the meal of profits at a ravenous rate. Each time they took a breath, another dozen gold coins and jewels entered their maws. With greed flowing through their “minds,” the pockets wasted no time and began shooting through the Money Bin like a pair of water skis, devouring more of McDuck’s gains with each passing second.
Their owner was also enjoying himself, having scooped hundreds of gold coins and jewels into his claws and laughing merrily as he did so. He had even pulled out several burlap sacks and dunked them into the sea of money, filling their contents within the span of a few seconds. Unfortunately for him, this stroke of good fortune was about to come to an end.
As he continued running through his mansion, Scrooge could hear the familiar sounds of Eugene’s laughter echoing throughout the halls, and it seemed to be coming from one location: the Money Bin! Furthermore, he could hear the sound of coins being shifted around, and that could only mean one thing: Mr. Krabs was shuffling through his money, trying to steal his hard-earned cash! And that was something the Scotsman refused to stand for!
As fury overtook his mind, the King of Klondike picked up the pace, moving so quickly that he became a vague red-and-white blur. He would only stop once he came to the platform’s edge, which he noticed was missing a chunk of where the railing used to be. But aside from that, he also noticed something else: Mr. Krabs was currently stuffing a burlap sack with the duck’s own profits, and judging by the stack of them laying nearby, it was safe to say this wasn’t his first time. Fortunately, it seemed that the crab hadn’t noticed his arrival, and to say that Scrooge planned on making the most of that fact was an understatement!
Without a moment to waste, the wealthy Scotsman dove off of the platform and immediately crashed directly into the golden terrain below. Surprisingly enough, the pressure didn’t crush his body into paste; in fact, he actually sank into it, almost as if he were diving headfirst into a swimming pool. That said, his entrance had one slight flaw that prevented it from being perfect: his impact had audibly caused several of his coins to fly through the air and clink against the ground.
“Huh?” Krabs murmured, briefly stopping his ransacking to look over his shoulder. He could’ve sworn he just heard something land inside of the gold. After taking a brief moment to scan his surroundings, he gave an uncaring shrug. “Must’ve just been my imagination.” He muttered dismissively before going back to counting his newly found gains. ‘Still,’ he thought, ‘McDuck could be coming ’round the corner any second now, so it’d probably be best to wrap this up. Neptune only knows what would happen if he caught up to me now.’
As these thoughts ran through his head, Eugene quickly tied up the last sack and began hoisting all of them over his shoulder. Surprisingly enough, their weight wasn’t slowing him down, as the sound of his stubby feet scuttling across the ground could be heard echoing throughout the Money Bin. Just when he was halfway across the room, however, he felt a blow slam into the back of his head, sending him crashing onto the ground.
Looking toward his attacker’s direction, the shellfish found nothing, but the sound of someone clearing their throat caused him to turn back around. Doing so made the greedy capitalist nearly break out into a cold sweat, as standing right in front of him was Scrooge McDuck, his expression one of visible irritation as he kept a firm grip on his cane.
“What was it you called me earlier, Krabsy? You said I was a greedy thief, right?” The Scotsman recalled. “Yet I go in here, and what do I find? A thieving crustacean who’s trying to fill up as many bags as he can!” As he said this, Scrooge gestured over to the sacks of gold that lay strewn about.
“Ever heard of an eye fer an eye, McDuck? You stole something from me, so it’s only fair I take something of yours!” His adversary responded as he tried to reach down and grab hold of a nearby sack. Before his claw could wrap around the bag, however, a feathered hand grabbed hold of the outstretched arm and hoisted it back through the air.
“The only way you’ll get my money,” Scrooge said in a deathly calm tone, “is over my dead body!”
As he finished this statement, the duck began applying pressure to the arm, producing a series of audible cracks. In an attempt to prevent his arm from breaking, Krabs threw out a left hook, slamming his claw right into Scrooge’s jaw. The blow was enough to leave the Scotsman stunned, though it wasn’t just from the pain. From his previous experience in using them, both the Anti-Inertia and Neutra-Friction rays should still be affecting Krabs, but for some reason they’d stopped working!
While his opponent stumbled back, Eugene took a brief moment to nurse his wound before shifting his attention back to Scrooge and narrowing his eyes.
“Over your dead body? Well, if you insist.” Krabs said as he cracked his non-existent knuckles. “Besides, I’ve been meaning to pay you back for that last fight, anyway!”
As he watched his crimson-shelled opponent ready himself into a fighting stance, Scrooge responded by reaching into his coat and pulled out a pair of brown mittens. Putting them on, the Scottish waterfowl responded in kind as they strode toward each other, eventually reaching the middle of the vault. For a brief moment they stayed in place, sizing each other up while assessing the right time to attack.
When it comes to the seven deadly sins, there are none more prevalent in today’s society than greed. Corporations have become less concerned about the customer’s satisfaction, instead becoming more interested in lining their own pockets with money. Prices have gone up so that you would have to pay more for products that you need in everyday life. One of the biggest concerns while working a job has become the thought of receiving a paycheck at the end of the day, and how you might perhaps rise in the ranks to become more successful and wealthier. And these two iconic cartoon businessmen definitely fit the bill, in both a figurative and literal sense.
Scrooge McDuck, the richest duck in the world.
And Mr. Krabs, owner and founder of the Krusty Krab.
I’m Br3ndan5, and I’ll be analyzing their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
Note: Due to how long the prelude is, it would take too long for me to copy-paste everything from DA to WordPress, so I’ll just paste the link to the document:
Alright, the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all! It’s time for a Death Battle!
——————————————————
Mitakihara City, evening
To say that Noel Vermillion was confused would’ve been an understatement.
Only an hour ago, she’d been performing a reconnaissance mission for professor Kokonoe. At some point during the mission her communicator had gone off, with the professor giving her an urgent warning that she needed to get out immediately. Apparently, one of the Cauldrons had begun malfunctioning, and it had resulted in the Boundary’s energy leaking out and affecting various people or objects. Unfortunately, Noel wasn’t able to heed this message in time, and the unstable energy quickly consumed her. The last thing she remembered was blacking out, and when she woke up, she found that she was now in this strange, new world.
Oddly enough, there seemed to be no one around where she was currently walking. The entire street was empty, and while there were several buildings around, they only seemed to make their surroundings give off a gloomy, depressing feel.
Despite the slight unease she felt from her current surroundings, Noel remained optimistic. Hopefully, she’d be able to-
‘Help me!’
The former lieutenant stopped in place, taking a brief moment to look around the area in search of the voice she’d just heard.
‘Please help me!’ The voice called out again, now sounding more urgent.
”I don’t understand. Who are you? Where are you?” She responded. The voice breathed for a brief moment, as if it were about to answer her questions, but whatever it was about to say became cut off as a gunshot rang out some distance away. Concerned by this, Noel wasted no time as she ran toward its direction.
Meanwhile, the creature responsible for these telepathic calls lay on the ground some distance away. It was small, with white fur and a cat-like body. Sitting atop its head were four ears, one pair resembling a cat’s while the other vaguely looked like they belonged to a rabbit. A pair of golden rings surrounded the rabbit-like ears, though they seemed to serve no purpose. The bottoms of these ears split off into three parts, each one sporting a pink-white fade and a red oval slightly above them. Its back was marked by a red, egg-shaped symbol, and sprouting beneath that was a long, bushy tail.
This was Kyubey, an alien whose sole purpose was to make contracts with teenage girls and turn them into magical girls. Currently, one of his former clients was in the midst of trying to gun him down, and she had made some pretty close calls. His white fur was matted with blood, several chunks of his body had been blown off, and he was shuddering uncontrollably. To an outsider it would’ve seemed like he was on death’s door, but his attacker knew better than that. Despite what his outward appearance suggested, she knew that he was completely fine.
After taking a brief moment to violently step on his tail, the Incubator’s assailant wasted no time as she fired her Desert Eagle’s last round. The shot tore through his head, and after one second of post-mortem stumbling, his corpse hit the ground, coating the ground in a pool of blood.
With a flash of purple light, Homura Akemi switched back to her regular uniform and began walking away, calculating the possibilities for this timeline with each step she took. Given the franticness in Kyubey’s running cycle, it was safe to say that his new body would be forming-
“How-“
This new, horrified voice caused Homura to stop in place, her eyes widening for a brief moment as she turned around. Upon doing so, she found herself face-to-face with a blonde woman, one she’d never seen before.
”How could you?!” The mysterious newcomer demanded as she pointed a finger accusingly. “He didn’t do anything to deserve that, so why-” tears began to stream down her face as she continued speaking. “Why did you kill him?”
After a brief moment, Homura got over her shock as she realized this woman had somehow been able to see Kyubey, but how could that be? Was she a new candidate for becoming a magical girl? Better yet, who was she?
For what felt like an eternity, the schoolgirl weighed her options. Since this girl could apparently see Kyubey, it would probably be best to give her a warning.
“You shouldn’t concern yourself with something you don’t have any knowledge of.” Homura said dismissively before turning back around. “I’d suggest you forget whatever that creature told you and leave now. Otherwise-“
BOOM!
Before she could continue speaking, an explosion suddenly cut the magical girl off and sent her hurtling to the ground. Alarmed by this, she looked back and found what was responsible. Within a split second, Noel had unholstered both handguns from her back and trained them on Homura, a vicious glare in her eyes as she stared the schoolgirl down.
”Forget what I’ve seen?” Noel repeated furiously. “No! I won’t do that! It doesn’t matter what your reason was! You had no right to kill an animal!”
Realizing the inevitability of a fight, Homura responded by touching a purple jewel on her left hand, once again surrounding herself in a flash of purple light. As it faded, she could be seen, now wearing a new outfit.
She was now clad in a white, long-sleeve coat with a silver collar over a black, long-sleeve dress. The coat had a flower-like pattern with 3 petals, and 2 ribbons had been attached to it. Her skirt was silver with a white trim. Her legs were covered by black leggings with dark-gray diamonds adorning the sides, and black heels obscured her feet. Strapped to her left arm was a metal shield containing three circular extensions, with two small ones on the left and right and a large one in the middle that contained an hourglass. Reaching into the shield, she pulled out two Beretta 92’s and aimed them at her blonde adversary.
Green eyes met purple ones as the two gunslingers pointed their firearms at each other, their fingers resting on the triggers as they waited for their opponent to make a move.
Noel struck first as she pulled Bolverk’s triggers once again, with Homura immediately moving to the side just as an explosion spawned at her previous location. Once her feet hit the ground, the magical girl returned fire, sending out multiple shots that were easily avoided as Noel either weaved around or flipped over them. The former lieutenant then retaliated with four shots from Bolverk, but her would-be target managed to leap away just in time to avoid them. Upon hearing a CLICK emergefrom both guns, the time traveler quickly discarded them and pulled out a new weapon: an FN Minimi machine gun. With a quick press of its trigger, Akemi fired off a swift barrage of bullets, all of which rushed toward Vermillion at supersonic speeds.
Using her superhuman reaction speed, Noel responded to this oncoming storm by rolling to the side and raising Bolverk. The moment she did so, some sort of glowing emblem appeared in front of Homura, much to the schoolgirl’s alarm.
“Optic Barrel!” The Azure’s Successor shouted as she pulled the Bolverk’s trigger. In response, her opponent clutched at her shield, activating its hourglass and freezing her surroundings.
BO-
Much to her surprise, the explosion still occurred, though the time stop caused it to pause mid-creation. Confused by this, she looked over to find something that made her stoic facade falter, if only for a brief moment.
Somehow, through some means that she couldn’t understand, Noel was actually managing to move in stopped time! In fact, it was like the time stop had no effect on her at all!
Despite the surprise adorning her face, Homura quickly put it aside. This woman might’ve been able to immune to her time stop, but if that last explosion was any indication, her attacks didn’t have the same luxury!
With this thought running through her mind, the magical girl reached into her shield and pulled out a pair of Desert Eagles. Quickly pointing them forward, she fired three shots from each, aiming at Noel’s legs, torso, and shoulders. The bullets flew through the air, but then something happened that caused the transfer student’s eyes to widen. Before her bullets had even made it to their halfway point, they suddenly found themselves intercepted by counter shots fired from Bolverk. Once these explosions had disrupted the slugs’ flight paths, the former lieutenant charged forward, with her opponent responding in kind.
Once the two markswomen were close enough, Homura deactivated her time stop, causing the BOOM of multiple explosions to erupt around the area as various bullets clattered against the ground. While this was occurring, the schoolgirl prepared to fire several close-range shots, but her attempts were interrupted as her would-be target pistol-whipped her, smacking Bolverk’s butt against her forehead. The magical girl staggered back for a brief moment, and it was then that Noel took action!
With no time to waste, the blonde followed up on her attack by delivering a low kick to the calf, forcing Akemi’s knees to buckle. This was then followed up by a shot at the chronokinetic’s face, and after that was another low kick, this one sweeping her target off her feet. Before Homura even had a chance to begin falling, she suddenly found herself struck by a boot to the chin.
“Spring Raid!” Noel called out as she delivered a flash kick, sending the schoolgirl flying through the air. Then, with a cry of “Revolver Blast,” she leapt after Akemi, firing off multiple shots that nailed her unfortunate victim in the torso. Gritting her teeth, Homura prepared to place her hand against her shield in an attempt to put an end to the combo. Seeing this, the Calamity Trigger proved quick to respond as she delivered an axe kick, forcing the magical girl to abort her plan and instead raise her shield to intercept the sudden attack.
Instantly, Noel’s foot met her opponent’s shield, with the resulting CLANG echoing throughout the area. Unfortunately for Homura, she would soon realize that not even her shield could defend against the full force of the blow. In less than a second, she had smashed into the concrete back-first, with the resulting impact forcing her to involuntarily open her mouth and cough out several flecks of blood.
Despite this pain, Homura proved quick to recover as she got back to her feet, looking up just in time to see Vermillion aiming her Nox Nyctores forward. Realizing this would be a chance for her opponent to set up another combo, Homura decided that enough was enough and responded by activating her shield just as Noel pulled the triggers. The moment she did so, their surroundings once again became monochrome, with Bolverk’s explosions freezing halfway through their conception.
Noticing this, Noel responded by rushing forward, closing the distance between herself and Akemi in the span of a few seconds. She placed her finger on the trigger, but just as she was about to pull it, Homura responded by reaching into her shield and throwing out a round object. Just a split second before the explosion detonated, Noel saw what her adversary had thrown: a stun grenade.
BANG!
REEEEEEEeeeeeeee!
Noel cried out in pain as a white flash suddenly blinded her, followed by a horrific ringing in her ears. With her opponent momentarily inconvenienced, Homura decided that it was now time to end this!
Keeping a firm grip on her pistols, the magical girl aimed them forward and fired off three shots from each, with the bullets all targeting a specific vital portion of Noel’s body. After shooting out three more bullets from each gun, Akemi fired off her final shots, aiming both directly at the Calamity Trigger’s forehead. Then, while her opponent was still recovering from the flashbang, Homura turned around and clutched her shield, once again letting time resume its flow.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
“What?!” Homura asked, audible surprise in her voice as she turned around. Just as she did so, however, a massive explosion erupted in front of her face and sent her rocketing back. Quickly skidding to a halt, the transfer student looked up, and what she saw left her even more bewildered than before.
Noel’s eyes were only just beginning to regain their focus, but her guns seemed to be acting on their own! The triggers seemed to be pulling themselves, and each of the resulting explosions seemed to be aimed with disturbingly precise accuracy. Each one slammed into the magical girl, burning her body even further, but that wasn’t what concerned her. Each time these explosions hit her, she felt them slowly chip away at something else, something that reached a bit… deeper than her body.
Before she could think about it any further, Homura found herself interrupted by a sudden sigh of relief, no doubt a sign that Noel had managed to regain her sight. Realizing this could be a problem, especially when combining her current state with Bolverk’s seemingly instinctive reactions to her attacks, she did the only thing she could: attempt to gain some distance.
For a brief moment, the tibia in Homura’s legs tensed up. Once that second had ended, she suddenly leapt through the air, a pair of angelic wings sprouting from her back as she did so. These newfound appendages went to work immediately, mirroring their creator’s desperation by violently flapping as hard as they could.
Back on the ground, Noel’s ears picked up the sounds of said flapping, causing her to look up just in time to see Homura flying through the air, now armed with a massive AT-4. Seeing that she’d been spotted, the winged schoolgirl responded by pulling the trigger on her weapon, sending a missile hurtling toward her adversary at hypersonic speeds. As it approached her, Noel’s gaze seemed to harden as she spoke one word:
”Overdrive!”
The moment this word escaped her lips, a well of strength and speed surged through her body, signifying the activation of her Overdrive: Chain Quasar. As this rush of energy coursed through her, Noel wasted no time as she suddenly rocketed through the air, easily reaching the missile’s current height. Once it was close enough, she placed both feet against it and kicked off, furthering her air time and sending her higher than her opponent’s current height. The two gunslingers shifted their gaze, Homura looking up and Noel down, until they had once again locked eyes. As they did so, one thought entered into their minds, one that both were unaware the other shared.
‘The moment she moves an inch to draw-‘ Noel began.
‘I’ll need to act first and catch her off guard!’ Homura finished. As this thought entered through their minds, the missile slammed into the concrete below, resulting in a deafening explosion that was soon followed by a massive smokescreen. The smoke was thick enough that neither gunslinger was able to see what the other was planning, and they were fully prepared to exploit this to their advantage. Already, Noel and Homura had pointed their respective weapons forward, the former still armed with Bolverk while the latter had used her magic to summon a long, ebony bow. Vermillion’s fingers rested firmly on the trigger, while Akemi had notched the drawstring back, summoning a purple arrow of energy. For a brief moment, time slowed down for both women as beads of sweat ran down their foreheads. Then, after what felt like an eternity, they decided to act!
“Bullet Storm!” Noel shouted as she pulled Bolverk’s triggers, firing off hundreds of shots at an extremely rapid rate. As these rounds tore through the smokescreen, Homura responded by firing off the single arrow that lay in her drawstring. To an outsider, this would’ve likely been seen as Homura being overly confident about the power of her weaponry, or perhaps a last attempt at defiance before she was inevitably riddled with holes. Whatever these hypothetical witnesses’ thoughts might have been, they would’ve no doubt cast them aside and been in awe at what happened next.
As the arrow flew toward the onslaught of lead, it suddenly began changing shape. Its frame began to expand outward, causing two massive, wing-like extensions to stretch themselves out. In tandem with this, the shaft took on a more rounded shape as its point split in two, forming a beak. The bird-like arrow then let out a devastating screech as it flew toward the bullets, taking all of them head-on without so much as a scratch. Even with the fading smoke still obstructing her view, Noel could still see this occurring clear as day. Realizing it was only a matter of time before the arrow consumed her, the ex-lieutenant decided it was time to bust out the next part of her attack!
Quickly flipping through the air, Noel pressed Bolverk together and quickly fused it into a new form: a gigantic missile launcher! Staring ahead at the oncoming hawk-like arrow, she responded with only one word:
”THOR!”
Once this word had escaped her lips, the blonde gunslinger pulled the trigger, firing off an enormous missile in the shape of a shark. It flew toward the arrow, intent on overpowering it, with its opposer shrieking once more before responding in kind.
BOOOOOOM!
The moment the two projectiles collided, a massive explosion of seithr and magic erupted outward, sending both markswomen hurtling through the air. Despite the momentary discomfort they felt from being pushed back, the two proved quick to recover as they repositioned themselves mid-flight. Once they’d entered each other’s line of sight, Noel immediately fired off dozens of shots from Bolverk, all of them set to shoot Homura out of the air. Unfortunately, the winged magical girl proved faster than she’d thought, as her would-be target was casually weaving through each explosion while at the same time putting more distance between them. This process would continue for roughly ten more seconds until Homura, having spotted an opening, decided to put her plan into action!
Quickly notching another arrow, she then aimed it not at Noel, but a different target entirely: the sky. Once she’d made sure she was aiming directly above herself, Akemi released the drawstring, firing this lone arrow toward the heavens. While this action had initially confused Noel, dawning realization slowly formed on her face as she watched the arrow once again change form.
Much like before, the projectile’s shaft grew in size, becoming thicker as two curved extensions shot out from its sides. The head formed soon after, its beak sharp and somewhat curved. As it came to life, the bird-like arrow let out a horrific screech as thousands of razor-sharp bolts fired out from its plasma-like body. Each of these blasts seemed intent on tearing Noel to shreds, though she proved quick to respond by suddenly taking a massive leap back. While ascending through the air, the Eye of the Azure took a brief moment to look up, expecting to find the miniature arrows embedding themselves where she’d once stood. Instead, much to her surprise, they had changed paths mid-flight, all of them flying toward her at hypersonic speeds!
As the storm of energy bolts rushed toward her, Noel responded by placing both hands in front of herself, erecting a runic barrier that covered her entire frame. The moment the bolts smashed against her shield, the blonde grit her teeth as she felt herself being slowly pushed back. Each individual blast was slowly eating away at the circle’s energy, and it was quickly becoming clear that her defenses were only delaying the inevitable. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t notice this until one of the bolts struck her barrier with enough force to leave a massive crack on its surface. The sight of this was enough that it made Noel’s eyes to widen in horror, and this feeling of dread would only grow as the cracks further across the barrier’s surface. Then, after what felt like an eternity of struggling-
CRASH!
Noel’s shield was shattered into thousands of minuscule shards. With her only means of defense fractured, all the Calamity Trigger could do was scream in pain as the remaining bolts pierced through her body.
Once this onslaught had finally come to an end, Noel’s mind became filled with the overwhelming urge to collapse onto the ground, which was compounded by the hundreds of bleeding holes that now adorned her frame. Yet despite the immense pain wracking her body, she still chose to remain standing, and upon looking closer it became easy to see why. Her injuries were already healing, with the missing patches of skin filling themselves back up as muscle tissue and blood regenerated from within. In fact, she was healing so quickly that it was almost as if the repeated impalements didn’t even phase her! As she watched this from afar, Homura’s eyes became wide with surprise.
‘How is she healing so quickly? She doesn’t seem to be a magical girl. Even if she is, I’ve never seen one who could regenerate as fast as her!’ She thought to herself. ‘There’s gotta be some way to get past it!’
After thinking on this matter for a few seconds, Homura decided to test her theory by pulling out a new weapon: an AT4. Quickly aiming it forward, she took a brief moment to make sure Noel was in her sights. While doing so, the chronokinetic began mentally planning ahead, thinking of ways to counter any possible escape routes Vermillion could take should this fail.
After confirming that Noel was in range, Homura pulled the trigger, firing a rocket that made contact with her target almost immediately.
BOOOOOOM!
A massive explosion consumed Noel, causing her to cry out as the heat and smoke consumed her entire frame. It spread out even further, easily reaching several feet in both length and width before finally subsiding. The moment it did so, Homura noticed what lay in the epicenter: a gigantic scorch mark, with Noel’s outline currently in the middle. With her victory seemingly confirmed, Homura immediately descended onto the ground, her body briefly becoming consumed by a flash of purple light the moment her feet hit the ground. Once it had faded, she was revealed once more, now back in her regular uniform.
Yet despite having seen evidence of her opponent’s demise, the schoolgirl could feel a knot in her stomach, a sense of paranoia that was gnawing away at her mind. Rather than act on this impulse, however, she quickly brushed it aside with a flick of her hair. As she brought her hand down, however, she quickly noticed something off and proceeded to raise it back up. Once it was close enough, she saw what the problem was: it was her Soul Gem!
Normally, the jewel was a rich shade of purple, maybe a bit black when it started corrupting. This time, however, she was looking at something she’d never seen before: entire portions of color were missing, leaving some of the gem clear enough that she could actually see the back of her hand! Adding onto this growing sense of unease was that the few remaining spots of color were almost entirely black, a visible sign that she was nearing her limit.
Desperate to prevent this from occurring, Homura immediately summoned her shield and reached inside, pulling out several Grief Seeds. Before she could begin applying them, however-
BOOM!
An explosion erupted in her hand, causing her to cry out in a combination of pain and horror as the black-and-gray orbs were reduced to dust. Looking down at her now bloodied hand, Akemi cursed herself under her breath. How could she have been so careless? She should’ve trusted her instincts in the first place!
Quickly transforming back into her magical girl attire, the time traveler wasted no time and began looking around the area, expecting that she’d be able to find Noel hiding somewhere. Instead, much to her growing frustration and unease, she was met with nothing. This growing silence left her wracking her brain for answers: had Noel turned herself invisible and escaped the explosion? Was that explosion just now something that had been set up beforehand? Was it just some sort of coincidence?
Unbeknownst to her, she was half-correct in her first assumption. Noel was standing in the explosion’s epicenter, breathing heavily from the damage she had just taken. Her clothes were completely tattered, soot and ash coated her exposed body, and she was even sporting several mild burns; though her healing factor was quickly mitigating that last point. The scarred tissue had almost completely healed by this point, but Noel was more concerned about another matter: namely, her opponent’s actions, or lack thereof.
For some reason, Homura kept looking around the area, repeatedly facing her multiple times in the process, yet she didn’t seem to notice that Noel was right in front of her!
‘Can she not see me? What’s going on?’ The blonde thought to herself. Taking a brief moment to look around as well, she immediately noticed a nearby window, with its reflection only bearing Homura’s image. With her main question answered, the Eye of the Azure wasted no time and immediately leapt back into action!
At the exact moment Noel pointed one of her guns forward, an emblem suddenly appeared in front of her opponent’s shield. Noticing this, and remembering what happened the last time it had occurred, Homura attempted to activate her shield once again. Unfortunately for her, it seemed that her opponent had learned from last time, as she pulled the trigger at a faster rate than before. The Optic Barrel immediately detonated, and the resulting explosion sent its target reeling back.
Taking advantage of her opponent’s disorientated state, Noel wasted no time in closing the distance between them, unknowingly deactivating her concealment in the process. Homura didn’t even have time to register her opponent’s sudden reappearance before Noel slammed into her with a shoulder tackle. The impact was enough that Akemi found herself coughing up several flecks of blood, but she proved quick to recover, raising her shield just in time to intercept an oncoming strike from Bolverk.
CLANG!
Quickly pushing the Nox Nyctores aside, the magical girl reached into her shield, pulled out a Desert Eagle, and immediately fired at Noel’s head. Unfortunately for her, the blonde proved quick to respond as she shifted to the side, causing the slug to instead graze her cheek and leave a small cut. Noticing how close she’d been, Homura attempted to fire again, but Noel immediately countered it by slamming Bolverk against the opposing firearm. Much like before, the bullet missed her head by several inches. Unlike before, its wielder wouldn’t be able to fire another shot, as her target quickly interrupted her with a powerful high kick to the chin.
An audible KRACKT rang out as the ex-lieutenant slammed her boot into the magical girl’s jaw, striking with enough force to shatter it. As she staggered back, Homura began focusing energy into her Soul Gem, causing it to start glowing a light shade of purple. Upon doing so, Akemi could feel her bones start to mend themselves, but something felt… off. It wasn’t until she put her hand to her face that she realized why.
She could still feel the burns generated from Bolverk’s explosions, and despite the magic she was focusing, they just wouldn’t heal! Concerned by this, she looked down at her Soul Gem, and upon doing so her eyes widened in shock. Somehow, its color had drained even further!
As she witnessed this, the schoolgirl’s mind began swimming with questions. How was this happening? Was it because of that woman’s guns? If it was, then how was it preventing her magic from working?
The sound of Bolverk ascending through the air cut off Homura’s train of thought, with the transfer student just barely managing to put up her shield as Noel fired. The resulting explosion caused her to skid back, but she quickly regained focus and leapt back just as another explosion erupted from beneath her. Upon feeling the heat, Homura grit her teeth before clutching at her shield. Despite what Noel was thinking, however, this wasn’t so she could freeze time. Instead, a slot opened up on the shield’s side, readying several weapons for its wielder.
Using a loose string from her dress, the magical girl quickly tied it around these objects before suddenly thrusting her arm through the air, sending out dozens of green shells at the blonde gunslinger. Recognizing what they were, Noel wasted no time in attempting to escape them, but her attempts would ultimately prove futile as Akemi brought her arm back. The moment she did so, the string she’d attached to each pin came with her, leaving the now active explosives to detonate while still in midair. The deafening BOOM of 36 explosions echoed throughout the entire street, drowning out Vermillion’s cries of pain as the heat and smoke consumed her entire body.
Despite this seemingly victorious moment, Homura knew better by this point and fired off the remaining rounds of her Desert Eagle in an attempt to prevent history from repeating itself. Each bullet flew through the air, their trajectories aimed squarely at either Noel’s chest or head. Exactly one second later, the sound of each slug making contact reached her ears, but even then she refused to look away. By this point, she needed to see evidence of Noel’s death with her own eyes!
Unfortunately, even with the decision she’d made, Homura still found herself caught off guard as Bolverk suddenly spun out from the smoke, smacked her in the shoulder, and forcibly dragged her in.
As both the handgun and her opponent drew closer, Noel wasted no time as she threw out another Spring Raid. Unlike before, this one wasn’t targeted at Homura; instead, it was aimed at another target: her shield. The moment it made contact, the flash kick ripped the weapon from her arm and sent it hurtling through the air!
Before Akemi had a chance to try and leap after it, Noel followed up with another Revolver Blast before wrapping her legs around the magical girl’s neck. Then, with a quick forward flip, she sent her adversary hurtling to the ground. Not willing to let her recover, Noel fired at her with Flash Suppressor, performed a sliding shot, then sent her back into the air with a third Spring Raid.
After taking a brief moment to twirl her guns, the former lieutenant fired off a diagonal shot, sending Homura even further into the air. Quickly leaping after her, the Azure’s Successor then fired off a quick barrage of shots before flipping through the air and striking with another Revolver Blast. Once the final shot emerged from Bolverk, Noel prepared to end her combo as she violently swung one of the handguns through the air, intent on smacking Akemi back into the ground.
Just when it seemed like the firearm was about to connect, however, the space in front of its target suddenly flashed white. Wasting no time, Homura grabbed hold of the object and swung back with equal force, resulting in a massive shockwave that exploded outward. Both women were launched back by the force, but they proved quick to respond as they righted themselves in midair and raised their respective weapons.
Of the two women to raise their weapons, Homura proved first to act as she fired off a bolt of magic, aiming it directly at Noel’s chest. Her target proved quick to respond as she flew to the side, pulling Bolverk’s trigger in the process. Noticing the explosion just as it was beginning to form, Akemi responded by suddenly thrusting her arm forward.
FW-BOOOOM!
The moment she did so, a ward appeared before her, intercepting the explosion and completely shielding her from any damage. Despite this, it didn’t shield her from the effects of the explosion, as she would soon realize when the discharge sent her rocketing back! Despite this, she proved quick to reposition herself in midair, leaning at enough of an angle that she managed to land on her feet.
Once her heels had hit the ground, the time traveler immediately leapt back up, rapidly firing off numerous arrows as she ascended through the air. Seeing this, Vermillion responded by flipping or rolling through the air whenever possible, avoiding each of the blasts by mere inches. Each time she dodged these magical projectiles, Noel would counter with another shot from Bolverk, and the resulting explosion would spawn so quickly that Homura was just barely able to avoid it. The few that she couldn’t dodge were absorbed by her newly created barrier, but she could tell that doing so took a heavy toll on its structure. In the span of only five explosions, it had gone from completely obstructing any form of attack to barely shielding her at all.
Realizing this, Homura quickly dispersed the barrier as she leapt away from another explosion, firing off the gathered magic as a shockwave meant to counter the seithr-induced detonation. The two opposing waves met in midair, creating another smokescreen as Bolverk’s explosion was blown back. The resulting smoke completely obscured both women’s vision, but Homura proved quick to rectify this mistake as she burst out from the blanket of mist.
With her wings flapping as hard as they could, the magical girl shot further through the air, only stopping once she’d reached the same height as the rooftops of Mitakihara’s skyscrapers. Quickly turning around, she began scanning the area for her lost shield, her pupils rapidly darting across each roof in search of her discarded weapon. Five seconds of searching later, she finally noticed it laying atop a nearby business tower and immediately divebombed toward it, creating multiple sonic booms as her descent repeatedly broke the sound barrier.
For a brief moment it seemed like she was about to slam into the cement roofing face-first, but that quickly changed as she dispersed her wings and flipped over, cratering the surface with an audible THOOM! This noise was enough to alert Noel, causing her to look toward its direction. Upon doing so, what she saw caused her eyes to widen in shock.
Soaring toward her were dozens of missiles, all launched from AT4’s that Homura had spawned from her shield and rapidly fired off. They flanked her entire front, and there was no chance that she’d be able to counter them or escape in time. With this realization, Noel’s gaze hardened as she did something unexpected.
Like her opponent before her, the tibia in her legs tensed up, and once it had passed, the Calamity Trigger suddenly leapt into the air. Once she’d approached the vicinity of the nearest missile, Noel planted her feet against it and jumped off, using the ballistic as a springboard to leap onto the next one in line. This process would continue for several seconds, with Noel jumping from one missile to the next as a way to close the gap between them.
Needless to say, Homura was dumbfounded at what she was seeing. Even with what she’d seen during her time as a magical girl, she could still say that this shouldn’t have been possible! But no matter how much she wanted to deny it, it didn’t change the fact that this was still happening right in front of her. Noel was actually parkouring with missiles just to get closer to her!
Remembering her current situation, Akemi quickly brushed her surprise aside and began wracking her brain for solutions. She was running out of options, and the rapidly declining state of her Soul Gem made it unlikely that she’d be able to continue fighting for much longer.
As the CLANG of Noel’s feet slamming against metal grew louder in her ears, Homura, in a desperate attempt to get more time to think, ran across the rooftop. She prepared to activate her wings once again, but before she could do so, her opponent leapt off the last missile and crashed against the ground.
Recognizing what her opponent was trying to do, Vermillion acted immediately and forced Bolverk to transform into a shotgun. Upon bringing it forward, however, she didn’t aim at Homura. Instead, the firearm was positioned toward a different, seemingly ineffective location: the ground beneath her.
BOOM!
The sound of Bolverk’s explosions filled the air the moment Noel fired, and with it Homura was sent flying through the air.
Refusing to give her opponent a chance to recover, the blonde gunslinger quickly shifted her Nox Nyctores into another form: an enormous minigun! With a fearsome battlecry, she opened fire, riddling the magical girl with holes and juggling her further into the air. Just when it seemed that Homura was about to start descending, Noel forced Bolverk to transform once again, this time turning it into a rocket launcher! Aiming it forward, she immediately pulled the trigger, firing off a shark-shaped missile that rocketed out of the barrel and slammed into Homura’s stomach.
As she watched the missile drag Akemi through the air, Vermillion prepared to end the combo as Bolverk changed once again, now taking the shape of a colossal railgun.
“Sleipner!” She screamed as she fired an equally large, spear-shaped shot. This blade-like projectile soared through the air at relativistic speeds, catching up to the missile and stabbing into it with enough force that-
BOOOOOOM!
-It detonated mid-flight, producing an explosion that could be seen for miles on end and destroyed multiple buildings with its heat alone. As both it and the rest of her Overdrive faded away, Noel looked around, expecting that she’d find Homura laying somewhere on the ground below. Instead, much to her confusion, she found nothing. It was almost as if-
CRACK!
The sudden noise caused the ex-lieutenant to leap away from the building and begin running toward its direction, though the distance between them meant it was unlikely she’d find its source. Or more specifically, find her.
Homura was laying on her back, now several streets away and in horrible condition to boot. Her skull had split open upon impact with the ground, and the blood gushing from it was coating the surrounding area a deep shade of crimson. Her clothes were quickly becoming matted with blood, but none of that seemed to concern her.
While trying her hardest to ignore the immense agony she was experiencing, Akemi forced herself to crane her head and look down at her Soul Gem. While she was eventually successful, what she witnessed caused her pupils to shrink in simultaneous shock and horror.
Staring her in the face was her Soul Gem, now completely devoid of any color. What little hadn’t been rendered clear by Bolverk’s soul-destroying properties was now pitch-black, a sign that her corruption was nearly complete. Making matters worse was that a large crack had visibly formed on the jewel’s frame, and it was rapidly spreading itself throughout the once-purple orb.
‘It seems this is the end.’ Homura thought to herself as she watched the spiderweb of cracks consume her soul. ‘I always knew this day would come, but I’d hoped it would happen after I saved Madoka. It’s a bit ironic. I’ve prepared for so much, but in the end I was killed by something I couldn’t possibly have accounted for.’
As this realization ran through her mind, any remnants of her stoic facade shattered, and with it a dam of repressed emotions was released. Tears began streaming down Homura’s face as the reality of the situation hit her.
The years she’d spent repeating this same month to save Madoka…
The endless amount of witches she’d slain…
Her determination to see it through to the end…
It had all been for nothing.
She had failed to keep the promise she’d made to Madoka, the one she’d made those many years before, and this time she wouldn’t get another chance to do it over.
As her Soul Gem reached its breaking point, one final thought entered into Homura’s mind.
‘I’m sorry, Madoka, but I couldn’t save you. Please…’
CRACK!
With that, the jewel shattered, splitting into hundreds of minuscule shards. Then, almost as if they were being controlled by some unknown force, each piece began merging into another form. As she watched her Grief Seed take form, the dying magical girl could only ask for one final, tearful request:
‘Forgive me.’
As these last words entered into her mind, the Grief Seed exploded, causing an odd, multicolored pillar of energy erupted outward. This pillar immediately spread out, forming itself into multiple tendrils that quickly spread throughout Mitakihara and rooted themselves deep into the ground, creating a massive barrier around the city’s outer limits. Once the corrupted wisps of energy had taken hold of Mitakihara, they solidified once more, consuming the entire area- as well as Noel’s vision- in a series of rapidly shifting colors. Then, after roughly three seconds of existence, the vibrant dome of corrupted magic faded in color, slowly darkening until everything had become pitch-black.
For a brief moment, Noel could do nothing. Her vision had gone completely black, and all she could hear her own shallow, ragged breaths. But this moment soon faded as the sounds of crying made itself known to her ears. This crying, however, didn’t sound legitimate. It sounded fake, almost as if the ones shedding tears weren’t sympathizing with their target, but ridiculing them. These cries were then replaced by a rapid THUMP as thousands of army boots slammed against the ground, though she was still able to make out the sound of hooves galloping against the ground.
As this orchestra of noise played itself in her ears, the gunslinger finally mustered up the strength to open her eyes. Upon doing so, however, she gasped in shock at what she was seeing. The first thing she noticed was the massive army standing at attention some distance away. Most of the troops consisted of clockwork soldiers, all varying in size and armed with rifles or lances. Behind them, dozens of Clara dolls were shedding tears, all of them dressed as if they were in a funeral procession. Scattered among these masses were a group of giant teeth, some wearing an ushanka while others were mounted by shadowy female creatures armed with spears. Each of these familiars stood at attention, almost as if they were awaiting orders from a superior. And upon shifting her gaze upward, Noel found herself staring directly at said superior.
The first thing she noticed about the newly-born witch was her height, as she seemed to tower over even Mitakihara’s largest building. While vaguely similar, the corrupted schoolgirl’s appearance was noticeably different from her original form, with the most notable being her skin- or rather, the lack thereof. Aside from her face, the witch’s entire frame had been stripped to the bone, and even then there wasn’t that much. From the looks of things, the upper half of her head had been cut off, with a field of red spider lilies sprouting from the lower half. Her body was now concealed by a large dress, and her wrists had been put up in stocks.
But if Homulily’s appearance intimidated Noel in any way, she didn’t show it. Instead, she responded by rushing toward the familiars, aiming Bolverk in their direction as she drew closer. As if noticing this aggression, the army responded in kind, intent on protecting their creator from harm.
The soldiers, known as Lottes, were the first to attack as several of them fired their rifles at Noel. As this was occurring, the Clara dolls charged forward, intent on bludgeoning their adversary with steel rods they’d seemingly pulled from nowhere. An ordinary person wouldn’t have been able to react in time, but to Noel they might as well have been in slow motion. As the projectiles slowly closed in on her, the blonde responded to this onslaught by leaping through the air.
Once she’d reached the apex of her ascension, Noel fired another Revolver Blast, blowing through the heads of multiple familiars. The moment she hit the ground, Noel was immediately assaulted by a swarm of the shadowy Luiselottes. The specters rapidly thrusted each of their lances at the gunslinger, but their would-be target proved quick to respond as she threw Bolverk at the nearest one. The handgun flew forward, spinning like a boomerang as it disarmed each shadowy soldier. Once it had returned to her, the artificial human immediately fired off multiple shots at each of her opponents, reducing the lancers in numbers as their charred, hole-riddled bodies collapsed onto the ground. Unfortunately for her, the spectral spear-wielders were quickly replaced by an entire legion of walking, sentient teeth.
These teeth, the Lillia, charged forward dauntlessly, firing out multiple human-sized walnuts as they did so. Using her superhuman reflexes and agility, Noel slid underneath the abnormal choice of ammo before getting back to her feet and shifting Bolverk back into its minigun form.
“FENRIR!” As this word escaped her lips, Noel pulled its trigger, firing off thousands of bullets that mowed through entire rows of familiars with the greatest of ease. With each second that passed, the dolls, soldiers, specters, and teeth that made up the army dwindled by the hundreds, and Noel was only growing closer to their master.
After roughly twenty seconds of minigun fire, she decided to switch up her tactics by changing her weapon out once again, this time morphing the Nox Nyctores into its missile launcher mode.
“NEMESIS STABILIZER!” Noel announced as she pulled the trigger, firing off a missile that rocketed through the labyrinth. With each second that passed, another hundred familiars were knocked aside until it had finally landed. The moment it made contact, the shark-shaped projectile erupted into a massive explosion of seithr, creating an equally large burst of flame that reduced the army’s numbers even further.
Unfortunately, even with this progress, Noel could see that she was in for the long haul. Homulilly was still pumping out soldiers, and despite having a clear target, the fight was beginning to take its toll on the gunslinger. Her movements were growing increasingly sluggish, and while she was still faster than any of the labyrinth’s denizens, it would only be a matter of time before they overwhelmed her. Realizing this, the Azure’s Successor came to a decision: if she wanted to win against the witch and her familiars, she’d have to get serious.
Several Lottes rushed forward, intent on impaling her with their lances, but their trek was interrupted as a bright flash of light shot out from their would-be target. The intensity was enough that a majority of the familiars were forced to halt their attacks and shield their eyes. Once the light had faded, the army looked back, and in doing so they got a good look at their opponent’s new form.
Her shoulders were now coated by metal pauldrons that sported piercing, red eyes; her forehead was adorned with a horned visor; and her limbs had been covered with a pair of armored, forearm-length blue gloves. Outside of the few scraps of cloth covering her otherwise bare chest, she seemed to be completely exposed, but that wasn’t the most striking thing about her. That award went to the eight blades floating all around her, each one set to skewer her adversaries.
Noel Vermillion no longer stood before them, that much was certain to these mindless servants. What stood before them was something else. She seemed more powerful, and her eyes were shining with confidence.
This was Noel’s true form: Mu-12; otherwise known as Kusanagi, the Sword of the Godslayer.
With a hard glare adorning her face, Mu wasted no time and charged toward the familiars at faster than light speeds, moving so quickly that not even Homulily was able to see her. For the labyrinth’s denizens, the only signs of her existence came when hundreds of their bretheren were rapidly cleaved in two. Noticing this, the witch responded by summoning even more familiars, with these ones being even stronger than their predecessors.
The first to rise were a legion of skyscraper-sized Lottes, and flanking their sides were massive, bird-like creatures known as Liese. The Lottes marched forward, firing massive slugs from their building-sized rifles. As they approached her, the Murakumo Unit proved quick to respond as she weaved through the storm of steel balls with the utmost of ease. Once she had closed the distance, the blonde cyborg called out her next attack.
”Arrow of Heaven!” In tandem with this command, she fired off an orb of energy that ascended upward and struck the giant in its forehead, causing it to stagger back. Refusing to allow it a chance to recover, its attacker raised her swords, fusing them into one golden blade.
“Sword of Decimation!” She shouted, delivering a downward slash that split the servant’s head in half. In the time it took for the scalped nutcracker to fall to the ground and crush hundreds of its smaller brethren, the Godslayer had summoned four airborne, blue crystals that aimed themselves at the oncoming army. These crystals, known as Steiners, fired out multiple laser-like projectiles that burned through the surrounding familiars’ bodies. As this occurred, Mu noticed some of the titanic Liese approaching her at hypersonic speeds and quickly reacted, calling out another attack.
“Tokotachi Blade!” She declared while pulling the Steiners forward, causing them to intercept the birds mid-flight. Upon making contact with their creator’s avian adversaries, the crystals exploded upon contact, taking their targets with them. As the smoke cleared, Kusanagi immediately took note of the fact that dozens of massive Lottes and Lieses were still approaching her, and it was then that she decided it was time to start cutting loose.
“Arming Units!”
Power coursed through Mu’s body as she activated her Overdrive, Steins Geiser. Before the army of giants could attack, their armored target summoned forth a sphere of light.
“Wisdom of the Divines!” She shouted, causing the orb to enlarge until at least a third of the familiars, both large and small, had been ensnared. As it consumed her opponents, the Godslayer teleported, reappearing above the prison of light in a white flash. She then spread her arms out, causing the swords to reappear. The familiars’ eyes, at least for the ones who had them, widened as they saw that each blade was now covered in light and set to run them through.
“Feel the wrath of the heavens!”
With that declaration, Mu-12 threw her arms forward, causing the energy blades to descend onto the army and completely obliterate them in a massive explosion of light. As the light faded, Homulilly attempted to attack by firing the ribbons attached to her coat. As the tendril-like strips of fabric approached her, Mu responded by telekinetically manipulating her swords, using them to slice through the attempted binds before forcing them to begin spinning around the witch at impossibly fast speeds. The swords then converged around the Nutcracker Witch before suddenly erupting into a massive…
“PILLAR OF LIGHT!”
…that ended Mu’s Overdrive and consumed Homulily’s enromous frame in its entirety. As the explosion of light faded from existence, it revealed that its target lay in the epicenter, heavily weakened but somehow still alive. Deciding it would be best to end this now, Mu wasted no time in preparing her ultimate attack.
“The world must be saved!” The Godslayer declared as she summoned her swords once again, this time using her telekinesis to force each one to suspend itself either above or below the witch. Before the former magical girl could even have a chance to intercept the swords, they suddenly curved, with the upper blades bending down while the lower ones positioned their points skyward. In the span of a split-second, Mu had transmutated the environment surrounding Homulily, converting the empty space between each sword into a blue, crystalline barrier that imprisoned the mindless giantess.
In a desperate attempt to free herself, the Nutcracker Witch raised one of her arms and punched her confines as hard as she possibly could. The moment she did so, a massive shockwave spread throughout the labyrinth, shaking it down to its very foundations, but the barrier still held. Unperturbed, Homulily tried again as she smashed her other fist against its frame, but to no avail.
“Blades forged in the pits of destruction…” Mu called out as she flew further into the air, her swords ascending with her. The witch didn’t seem to notice this as she continued hammering against the barrier, desperately trying to escape her confines. While this struggle continued, the 12th Prime Field Device suddenly came to a stop, her blades circling behind her and rapidly growing in size with each nanosecond. Once they were each the height and width of a building, the Murakumo Unit thrust her hand forward.
“Shields cast… IN THE CHASM OF DESPAIR!”
In tandem with these words, all eight swords began falling from the heavens, each one set to rip through a different part of the witch’s body.
CRASH!
CRASH!
CRASH!
CRASHCRASHCRASHCRASH!
Homulilly let out an agonized cry of pain as each blade impaled through her body, with the entire labyrinth shaking violently each time they slammed themselves into the ground. The witch-turned-living-pincushion looked up just in time to see another sword fly down from above. The sword was just inches from her face when suddenly…
SCHLICK!
CRASH!
It ripped straight through her neck and stabbed into the ground. One second later, Homulily’s now-decapitated head toppled to the ground with a loud THUD, her face completely expressionless.
ASTRAL FINISH!
With its creator dead, the labyrinth started to grow darker in color as its surroundings distorted and swirled around, slowly returning the world back to normal. It was almost as if what she had just fought was nothing more than an illusion, but that notion was quickly proven wrong as the Murakumo Unit laid her eyes upon a body that lay in the middle of the otherwise deserted street.
It was Homura, somehow returned to normal and surprisingly whole despite her recent decapitation. Even her Soul Gem had reformed, though its color scheme now resembled that of her Grief Seed. In addition to this horrifying news, her injuries hadn’t been fully healed, either.
Instead, she was laying on the ground back-first, her body still covered in the various burns and lacerations she’d suffered earlier. Much like before, the blood was pooling beneath her, drenching her outfit a deep crimson.
Mu, having turned back into Noel, looked at her opponent’s current position and put her hands over her mouth, completely horrified by what she’d done. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she began sobbing in guilt. She hadn’t wanted it to come to this. Even with how Akemi had made an attempt on her life, she couldn’t help but cry at the mutilated girl who weakly laid before her.
With tears still streaming down her face, Noel realized that only one thing could ease Homura’s suffering at this point: putting her out of her misery. The thought of doing this made the blonde cry harder, her vision blurring up as more tears ran down her face.
Upon hearing her opponent’s sobs, Homura looked up and found herself staring down the barrel of Bolverk’s handgun. Shifting her gaze, she locked eyes with Noel, who still seemed to be crying. Realizing what her opponent was planning, the magical girl responded by summoning her Soul Gem in her hand.
“If you’re going to kill me, you should aim here.” She said, her voice barely audible as she raised the cracked and nearly broken jewel.
“What?” Noel asked, lowering her gun for a brief moment in confusion. “But how would that-“
“Because I’m no longer human.” Akemi cut her off. “I gave that up the moment I made a contract with Kyubey.”
”That creature I killed earlier. Its only purpose is to grant the wishes of others, and in doing so we’re granted abilities based upon that wish. What it neglects to tell us is that in doing so, our souls are placed in this gem, and once the gem is corrupted we become witches similar to the one you just faced.” Upon hearing this, Noel’s eyes widened as she came to a realization.
”You were killing him so other girls wouldn’t suffer like you had.”
“In a sense, yes.” Homura said. As she said this, the schoolgirl noticed that her former opponent had begun crying once again. ”Please, stop crying. None of this is your fault.” She ordered, her tone both stern and apologetic. “I only have myself to blame for this. With how poorly I explained myself, it’s only natural that you reacted the way you did.”
”That still doesn’t make it right!” Noel protested.
”Whether it’s right or wrong, it doesn’t matter anymore. This is my fate, and nothing can change that.” With these last melancholy words, Homura looked off toward the sunset, fully prepared to accept her fate. As she watched Noel shakily raise Bolverk to her Soul Gem, Homura’s life began to flash before her eyes.
Her first time meeting Madoka Kaname…
The time she’d spent training under Mami Tomoe…
Her vow to save Madoka…
Her eyes began to tear up at the last memory as pangs of sadness and guilt shot through her mind. Even though she had no qualms about her demise, she still couldn’t help but lament her inability to keep that promise. It ate away at her mind, moreso than the pain from her injuries or the corrupted Soul Gem could ever hope to.
With a heavy struggle, Noel had finally brought Bolverk’s barrel to the Soul Gem. Realizing this, Homura took a deep breath and composed herself. For the final time, she closed her eyes, and then…
BOOM!
Everything went black.
As she watched the magical girl’s body limply fall to the ground, Noel couldn’t help but feel an intense pang of guilt and remorse. Even with what her opponent had said, it still didn’t change that she felt horrible. She thought she’d been doing something right by preventing Homura from escaping, but all she’d really managed to do was doom more girls to the same terrible fate.
’No!’ She thought to herself. ‘I might have killed her, but that doesn’t mean she was fighting in vain! Now that I know what she was fighting for…’
Noel took a brief moment to rise back to her feet, drying her remaining tears before shifting her gaze toward the sky.
‘I’ll follow where she left off! No one else will suffer through what she had to! I’ll make sure of it!’
With renewed vigor and a determined conviction shining in her eyes, Noel Vermillion began walking away from the battlefield, ready to pick up where her former opponent had left off.
Well, that was a bit more dramatic than I’d expected, especially considering that this was basically just a filler match. Anyway, let’s move onto the verdict!
Physically-speaking, Noel had trumped Homura in every category. At her highest, Homura would scale to Mami Tomoe, who is City Level thanks to her ultimate attack, the Tiro Finale. By contrast, Noel would be Country Level due to trading blows with Ragna and Jin, both of whom are superior to Take-Mikazuchi, which could fire lasers that generate 11 Teratons of TNT. Noel has even been shown to damage Take-Mikazuchi directly, which makes this consistent. And if you want to be technical, she could likely be Small Planet level due to harming her true self, Mu-12, whose power will be explained below.
As for speed, Noel takes that, too. Homura’s best feat comes from using one of Mami’s ribbons to catch a bullet, which was calculated to be Mach 619, or Massively Hypersonic. By comparison, Noel would be Sub-Realitivistic due to keeping up in battle with Tager, who can move at Mach 9,110, and she’s shown the ability to directly avoid Take-Mikazuchi’s lasers, which could move at 6% the speed of light. In short, Noel destroys Homura pretty hard when it comes to physicality, but what about everything else?
Well, Homura easily held experience since she’s repeated the same month for roughly 12 years, which puts her leagues above Noel. She’s also the better strategist of the two, mainly because Noel has never really been shown to strategize while fighting.
Then there’s the matter of their arsenals. With Homura’s shield and large supply of firearms, she definitely had the edge in versatility, but what she had in quantity, Noel took in quality. Bolverk’s ability to create explosions gave her an edge in unpredictability, and its status as a Nox Nyctores meant that it could move and act on its own, meaning Noel would still be able to attack Homura should the magical girl try to get out of range. There’s also its ability to negate any form of recovery by attacking the soul, which would greatly inconvenience Homura since all of her powers- healing included- are accessed by utilizing her Soul Gem.
Speaking of powers, it’s surprisingly simple to figure out. They were even in terms of defensive options (Noel’s Barrier and Homura’s wards), and Homura’s ability to fly and teleport gave her the edge in mobility over Noel’s base form (since Noel needs to go Mu-12 to do the same). Outside of that, most would think that Homura had the edge in this category, but Noel actually took this, too.
Homura’s time stopping would be useful against most opponents, but Noel’s been able to resist the effects of time manipulation before (such as remaining unaffected while near a Cauldron, which can stop time just by existing). Homura’s other power, memory manipulation, can only be used in the new timeline, meaning she can only use one or the other, not both. Even if we ignore this fact, Noel’s shown the ability to resist the memory-altering effects of the Embryo, which could affect characters who were previously shown to shrug off the mind-destroying powers of Hazama’s Ouroboros. And even if we ignore that, Homura herself admits that its effects on humans are limited.
So Homura’s abilities would do jack to Noel. In that case, what’s Noel bring to the table outside of resistances? Well, I tried to list all of it in a paragraph, but it wound up being way too long, so here’s a cliffsnotes version instead:
-Superior CQC skills, when combined with her combo-heavy fighting style and Bolverk’s abilities, could quickly wear Homura down -She has the ability to conceal her presence, which would allow her to go for a stealth approach if need be -Her impressive regenerative abilities would allow her to recover should Homura somehow manage to damage her -Due to being a Murakumo Unit, she’s immune to damage from conventional weaponry, which negates Homura’s arsenal advantage -Her Life Links with both Hazama and Izanami would lead to her resurrecting should Homura somehow manage to kill her (normally this would be a NLF, but it applies here since Homura has no way to hurt Noel in the first place thanks to her superior physicality and the above 2 points) -Could induce Phenomenon Intervention to do any of the following: -Warp reality to better fit her desires -Erase Homura, Homulily, or any of the witch’s familiars from existence -Manipulate time to a better extent than Homura herself -Remove Homura from the battlefield -Alter Homura’s memories and atomic structure -Rewrite fate so that it reflects her desired outcome -Manipulate probability to give herself better luck and alter results in her favor while also inconveniencing Homura in various ways
And finally, there are their forms: Mu-12 and Homulily. Let’s start off by discussing Homulily. For starters, it’s unlikely Homura would be able to turn into this form in the first place. Doing so requires the complete corruption of her Soul Gem, an event that’s unlikely to occur given Noel’s above advantages, but let’s ignore that for the sake of argument. For every advantage she has in this form, it ultimately comes with some disadvantage to go along with it. For example, it increases her strength, but it comes at the cost of her strategic mind; her familiars grant her an advantage in numbers, but they would ultimately get blitzed and one-shot faster than they can be deployed; her larger size means that she could likely do major damage should she start physically attacking Noel, but Noel’s far smaller size makes it unlikely this would occur, meaning Homulily would just become a much larger target. Additionally, Noel’s had experience fighting giant opponents before (See Take-Mikazuchi), and even if Homulily did start overpowering her, she could tap into her own form to counter it. Speaking of which, let’s move onto the thing that seals this match in Noel’s favor: Mu-12.
First off, there’s the fact that, unlike with Homura, Noel can activate this form at will. Once she does so, her physicality would be boosted drastically, and she’d gain some new powers to boot. In case you’re wondering how drastically, I’ll put it like this:
Mu-12 would be Small Planet Level thanks to battling the likes of Hades Izanami and Ragna the Bloodedge. For an example of the former’s power, Izanami is capable of outputting a blast with the same power as Corpus Sepulcro: Requiem, which could wipe out both the Earth and the Moon. As for the latter, Mu survived an assault from Ragna while he was channeling the power of the planet-destroying Black Beast, and she’d only suffered a few injuries by the end of it!
As for the new powers, Mu allows Noel to fly and teleport (putting her on equal footing with Homura in terms of mobility), alter matter at an atomic level, kill beings that exist outside of Logic (which basically means she can kill something that would otherwise be invulnerable to harm), and scan her opponents for any strengths or weaknesses they might have. In other words, she could scan Homura and begin targeting her Soul Gem; bypass Homura’s durability directly by restructuring her atoms; or she could just summon a bunch of Steiners and have them keep Homura, Homulily, or the familiars at bay (again, this is assuming the latter would even be able to show up in the first place).
With all of these advantages, it looks like Homura’s time was up!
The winner is Noel Vermillion.
Noel Vermillion (Winner)
+ Physically outclassed Homura by a landslide
+ More unpredictable
+ Bolverk negated Homura’s healing factor and could further damage her Soul Gem
+ Could quickly wear Homura down thanks to her superior CQC skills, Bolverk’s powers, and far superior physicals
+ Was immune to Homura’s time and memory manipulation
+ Powerset gave her a massive variety of hax
+ Unlike Homura, had the ability to transform into her super mode whenever she wanted
+ As Mu-12, gains the following advantages:
+ A larger physicality boost
+ Is now equal to Homura in mobility
+ Could scan Homura to find her strengths and weaknesses
= Defensive options
– Less experienced
– Less strategic
– Smaller arsenal
+ Though Bolverk’s abilities made up for it
– Homulily had a massive size advantage
+ But Noel’s had experience fighting larger opponents
– Homulily’s familiars outnumber her
+ But they’re so far behind her physically that they’re basically just fodder
Homura Akemi (Loser)
+ More intelligent
+ More strategic
+ More experienced
+ Larger arsenal
– Though Bolverk’s abilities and Noel’s immunity to damage from conventional weaponry rendered this moot
+ As Homulily, gains a size advantage
– But it just makes her a larger target
+ As Homulily, gains a numbers advantage
– But their inability to keep up with Noel means they’re just fodder
= Defensive options
– Was physically outclassed from the get-go
– Bolverk negated her healing factor and could damage her Soul Gem by attacking her soul
– Noel was immune to her main powers
– Plus Homura wouldn’t be able to use both of them, only one or the other
– Inferior CQC
– Noel had the better hax
– Wasn’t able to turn into Homulily at will
– Turning into Homulily would negate her intellect and strategic mind
– By the time she could become Homulily, the witch would likely be heavily weakened thanks to Bolverk’s soul-attacking properties
When it comes to gunslingers, there are many different types that come to mind. Some are extremely serious and stone cold killers, some are lighthearted jokers, some are extremely flirty and seductive, and then there are these two. They might look cute and non-threatening on the surface, but underestimating them because of their appearance will be the last mistake you ever make. And for an added bonus, they even share the same voice actor!
Noel Vermillion, the successor to the Azure.
And Homura Akemi, the time-traveling magical girl of Mitakihara City.
I’m Br3ndan5, and I’ll be analyzing their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE! Also, for the sake of fairness, Devil Homura will be excluded.
Thanks to NathanTheManTheMHFan for the Noel bio and PrinceofPlasma for the Homura bio.
Noel Vermillion Aliases: The Eye of the Azure, Kusanagi, Saya, Lacking Lady (by Taokaka), The Calamity Trigger
Age: 5 years old Height: 5’1.8’’ Weight: 105.8 lbs Blood Type: A
Occupation: Nun (Currently), Agent for Professor Kokonoe (formerly), Lieutenant in the NOL (formerly) First Appearance: Blazblue: Calamity Trigger (November 19, 2008) Themes:
Feats: -Possessed one of the highest Ars Magus synchronization rates ever recorded at her entrance exams in the NOL Military Academy -Battled Nu-13 to a standstill -Saved Ragna from being thrown into the Cauldron, ending the timeloops and becoming the Successor to the Azure -Was able to effortlessly hold off Jin and Hakumen as Mu-12, and stand on equal footing against Unlimited Ragna -Did battle with her true self, Mu-12, and defeated her in a battle for dominance, thus unlocking the power of Murakumo and the ability to use it, as well as her Mu form, to her will -Along with Jin and Makoto, broke the Mind Eater curse on Tsubaki -Along with Ragna and Jin, fought and defeated the Gigant: Take-Mikazuchi -Survived an assault from Ragna, who’d went berserk with the Black Beast’s power while suffering minor injuries -Subdued the chronokinetic Hades: Izanami with the aid of Ragna -Absorbed the souls of Mu-12, Hades: Izanami, and the Origin, so she could fully be reborn as Saya -Battled with Ragna for one final time, who was attempting to erase her ‘dreams’
In the world of BlazBlue, humans have always been fascinated with the mysterious realm known as the Boundary—the realm where all fates and dimensions intersect. To accomplish this, they forged artificial humans known as Boundary Interface Prime Field Devices to explore the realm’s depths, and perhaps the most complicated and among the most powerful of these devices are the Murakumo Units, who were especially designed to wield the legendary Nox Nyctores, Lux Sanctus: Murakumo, and to oppose the almighty Sankishin themselves. However, during the creation process of one of these units, the dread Nox Nyctores, Gigant: Take-Mikazuchi, annihilated Sector Seven, leaving only one survivor—the very Murakumo Unit that Sector Seven was working on, Mu. The amnesiac Mu would then be adopted by a couple from the nobility, Edgar and Claire Vermillion, and would be given a new name to symbolize her new life- Noel Vermillion.
Noel showed plenty of promise even in her early life, enrolling in the Novus Orbis Librarium’s Military Academy, and thanks to her skills and aptitude with Ars Magus, she quickly rose through the ranks and graduated with flying colors, and even earned her rank as first lieutenant to the legendary Major Jin Kisaragi. However, little did Noel know that her life would take a more interesting turn as the feared criminal, the Grim Reaper Ragna the Bloodedge, arrived in the Hierarchical City of Kagutsuchi in a mission to destroy Cauldrons. This resulted in Jin leaving his post in search of his brother, and Noel being assigned to bring him back in. However, a simple mission such as this would turn into Noel saving Ragna’s life, and then a few more events would secure her true destiny and awaken her true power—the power of the Sword of the Godslayer.
Strength: -Has traded blows with the likes of Jin, Ragna, Tsubaki, etc. -As Mu-12, traded blows with Hakumen, Hades: Izanami, and the like -Her physical attacks are strong enough to damage a seithr-amped Take-Mikazuchi -Take-Mikazuchi’s lasers are strong enough to annihilate Hierarchical Cities -Can launch heavy characters like Iron Tager into the air -Traded blows with and harmed her true self, Mu-12 -Mu-12 has tanked hits from the likes of Hakumen, Unlimited Ragna, etc.; the latter being fully berserk and wielding the power of the Black Beast, a being far more powerful than Take-Mikazuchi
Speed: -In gameplay, is one of the fastest characters -Keeps up with the likes of Ragna, Jin, Tsubaki, Hakumen, and the like -Directly reacted to and dodged Take-Mikazuchi’s lasers -Kept pace with Mu-12
Durability: -Has tanked blows from the likes of Ragna, Jin, Hakumen, etc. -Comparable to Ragna and Jin, who can survive Take-Mikazuchi’s country-level lasers -Tanked blows from Take-Mikazuchi -Tanked blows from Mu-12, who is capable of trading blows with Unlimited Ragna
Skills:
Master Gunslinger: -Expertly combines her gunslinging with martial arts moves to perform a “gun fu” style of combat -Is one of the cast’s most combo-happy characters in gameplay -Emphasizes on swift, high-damaging combos to put the pressure on her foes
Personality: -Noel is the textbook definition of the “shrinking violet” archetype -Is extremely shy, clumsy, and tends to get worked up over the smallest things – Is particularly sensitive about her small breasts -When called ‘Lacking Lady’ by Taokaka, will feel vulnerable and ponder her role as a woman -When mistaken for a boy due to her breast size, will trigger a dormant volcano of emotion directed at the person who called her that, and when she is finally angry, will call the remark an “Obstruction of Justice!” -Is extremely apologetic for everything she does wrong -Loves cute things -Is ready and willing to help out whenever she can
Weapons and Equipment:
Arcus Diabolus: Bolverk: -A Nox Nyctores Causality Weapon in the form of a pair of handguns -Nox Nyctores are weapons forged specifically to combat the Black Beast, a monster that exists outside of logic -Can transform into multiple forms—a multibarrel machine gun, a shotgun, a recoil-less rifle, and a laser cannon -Does not shoot bullets like a regular gun, instead performing attacks at will at the desired location, generating a seithr-based explosion at whatever it targets, and pierces space itself -As such, rounds likely wield no regular physical properties -Can damage the soul and negate any form of healing, to the point where not even Phenomenon Intervention can reverse the injuries it inflicts -Phenomenon Intervention is a technique that allows a user to reset the timeline and rewrite reality to better fit their own desires –Much like other Nox Nyctores, it can fight, move, and warn Noel of oncoming attacks on its own -Appeared before Noel as she was being attacked by a monster -Acts as a limiter for Noel’s emotions
Powers:
Presence Concealment: -Was able to conceal herself from ninjas -Subconsciously used this ability to hide herself from Nu-13
High-Godly Regeneration: -As the Successor to the Azure, Noel is able to regenerate from Doomsday, an event that would rewrite all of reality and reduce the world to a void of nothingness
Reality Warping, Existence Erasure, Time Manipulation, BFR, Information Manipulation, Memory Manipulation, Causality Manipulation, Probability Manipulation, Conceptual Manipulation, Quantum Manipulation and Fate Manipulation: -Due to being the Azure’s Successor as well as a near-perfect clone of Amaterasu, Noel is capable of inducing Phenomenon Intervention, which lets her perform the above -She’s also able to resist these effects when others attempt to enforce Phenomenon Intervention on her, even if that being is Amaterasu herself
Power Nullification: -Her status as the Eye of the Azure allows her to calm the Power of Order, a force that exists to counteract whatever threatens the world’s existence
Immortality: -Due to serving as Amaterasu’s eyes, Noel is unable to truly die -In addition to the above, she also possesses life-links with both Hazama and Izanami, meaning she can’t be permanently killed unless they are slain along with her -That said, she can still be killed, albeit temporarily, as she’ll be resurrected soon after
Telepathy: -Can read a person’s memories by placing her hand on their forehead -Was able to telepathically communicate with Ragna
Acausality: -Due to being an anomaly that shouldn’t exist in the first place, Noel is immune to the effects of any time paradoxes, as well as any attempts at manipulating her fate or causality
Resistance to Paralysis Inducement: -Has fought Hakumen, who radiates an aura capable of paralyzing others, without any issue
Transmutation Resistance: -As a Successor to the Azure, she is immune to the Embryo’s ability to turn everything into Seithr
Time Manipulation Resistance: -Resisted the effects of a Cauldron, which can stop time just by existing
Resistance to Mind Manipulation: -Unaffected while being in the Boundary, a dimension that when entered, results in the victim being overwhelmed with infinite amounts of information, dating all the way back from the beginning of time and encompassing all timelines –Withstood the effects of the Embryo, which was able to wipe the minds of those who shrugged off the mind-destroying powers of Ouroboros
Resistance to Absolute Zero and Life Manipulation: -Withstood strikes from Yukianesa, a blade that was able to freeze Azrael (who remained unaffected while in absolute zero temperatures for two years) and can erode life
Resistance to Poison Manipulation, Insanity Infliction, Biological Manipulation, and Stat Reduction: -Can resist the effects of Seithr, which can induce addiction, cause the body to deteriorate, and reduce the power of others
Resistance to Perception Manipulation: -Has resisted the effects of Ars Magus, which nullifies the user’s senses
Resistance to Healing and Regeneration Negation: -Has fought against Ragna, whose Azure Grimoire can negate any form of recovery
Resistance to Extrasensory Perception: -The Azure Grimoire is unable to react to her presence -Bang Shishigami, a man who can sense others’ souls, was unable to detect her presence
Abilities Unique to Mu-12:
Teleportation: -Teleported through the Boundary to search for Amaterasu
Matter Manipulation: -Can alter matter at an atomic level
Information Analysis: -Similar to fellow Murakumo Unit Nu-13, Mu is capable of scanning her opponent to find any potential strengths or weaknesses
Invulnerability: -Due to being a Murakumo Unit, Mu is immune to conventional weaponry
Moveset:
Chain Revolver:
-Noel’s Drive -Allows Noel to create and string together devastating combos with her Bolverk
Type XI: Optic Barrel: -Sets a mark with Bolverk that soon explodes
Type XVII: Chamber Shot: -Combines Bolverk into a shotgun, then fires Type XIII: Revolver Blast: -Leaps into the air and shoots multiple times while twirling around
Type IX: Muzzle Flitter: -Grabs opponent with her legs and flips them over Type II: Bloom Trigger: -Jams her gun forward and shoots with a large blast Type III: Spring Raid: -A flash kick that launches foes into the air
Type V: Assault Through: -Quickly spins forward and performs a shoulder tackle
Flash Suppressor: -Aims gun at downed foe and fires
Overdrive, Distortion Drives, and Exceed Accel:
0:52 to 1:21]
Chain Quasar: -Noel’s Overdrive -Increases the effectiveness of her Drive combos -Lasts longer the lower Noel’s health is
Zero-Gun: Fenrir: -Jams the barrel of Fenrir forward and sprays the foe with energy blasts that juggles them into the air -Noel then follows through by blasting foe away with Nemesis Stabilizer -In Overdrive, will perform a few more shots before whipping out Nemesis Stabilizer
Bullet Storm -> Zero-Gun: Thor: -Leaps into the air and assails the foe with a hail of bullets, then follows through by blasting them with a missile
Zero-Gun: Sleipnir: -Noel’s Exceed Accel -Strikes the foe with the blast of Bloom Trigger, then blows the foe away with the missile from Zero-Gun: Thor, then finishes with a blast from a massive railgun -In Active Flow, will strike a few times with her guns and Zero-Gun: Fenrir before unleashing Zero-Gun: Thor
Astral Heat:
Valkyrie Veil: -Noel projects a shield in front of her; if the shield is hit, Noel will immediately counter with a barrage of shots -Energy grows in the background following this, and when Noel combines her guns into one, the energy will explode, instantly killing the foe
Forms:
Mu-12:
-Noel’s true form -Known as the Sword of the Godslayer: Kusanagi -Awakened by Yuuki Terumi/Hazama by stripping Noel of her limiters and smelting her into the Cauldron -At first, had the simple goal of eliminating the Master Unit: Amaterasu, and ending the world -As of the events of Chronophantasma, Rachel Alucard has taught Noel how to turn into this of her own will, and as such, Mu now fights with Noel’s regular personality -But she is notably calmer as Mu than as her regular self -Able to fly and create wormholes to strike foes from -Can telekinetically manipulate the blades around her -Looks really hot
Lux Sanctus: Murakumo: -Mu’s weapon -A Nox Nyctores Causality Weapon, much like Bolverk -Appears as a sheathed blade on standby -When active, appears as eight floating swords and Mu’s armor
Moveset:
Steins Gunner: -Mu’s Drive -A noob rushdown player’s worst nightmare -Places a stein in the air that can fire beams at the foe -Mu can place up to four steins
Ame no Totsuka (Totsuka Blade): -Fires a laser that flies from the oldest stein to the newest, then at the foe
Ama no Habaya (Arrows of Heaven): -Fires off an orb of energy that flies upwards
Tsunugui (Origins): -Creates a forcefield that blows foes away
Furu no Tsurugi (Sword of Decimation): -Slashes downwards at the foe with a charged attack from her eight blades
Ame no Habakiri (Divine Wrath of the Heavens): -Mu will cause all her Steiners to explode
Kuni no Tokotachi (Tokotachi Blade): -Steins will charge at the foe and deal damage
Ikutachi Blade: -Does a forward diagonal leap and slashes behind the foe with her eight blades
Overdrive, Distortions, and Exceed Accel:
[6:39 to 7:02]
Steins Geiser: -Mu’s Overdrive -Powers up the lasers fired by her Steins Gunners
Omohikane (Wisdom of the Divines): -Binds the foe and rains energy spears at them
Yata no Kagami (Blessed Mirror): -Draws power from Totsuka Blade, and is more powerful the more Steins are placed
Tsuchi Ikazuchi (Pillar of Light): -Mu’s Exceed Accel -Commands her blades to surround the foe before blasting them with a pillar of light
Astral Heat:
Kamigoroshi no Tsurugi (Sword of the Godslayer): -Mu entraps her foe in a barrier and summons eight enormous blades. She then calls the swords to rain down on the opponent, engulfing them in an explosion that instantly kills them and does immense damage to the landscape
Weaknesses: -Without Bolverk, Noel becomes nigh-helpless, and her emotions can go out of control -Hates bugs, especially those with lots of legs -Tends to be the damsel in distress quite often -Very self-conscious about her notoriously flat breasts -Can’t cook for shit -Yet Mai and Hazama somehow find her deathly cooking delicious
(“I am ME. I’m Noel Vermillion. And as long as my soul is that of Noel Vermillion, I will fight until the end. Until the very end!”)
Feats: -Relived the same month for 12 years, defeating countless witches and saving Madoka numerous times -Killed Oktavia von Seckendorff using a combination of a Desert Eagle, a pipe bomb, and her time-stopping -Created a pipe bomb after looking through multiple guides on the Internet -Stole multiple guns from the Yakuza without being caught -Defeated the massive witch Walpurgisnacht in several timelines, though she required help for each attempt -Fought Mami Tomoe, one of the most powerful Magical Girls in the series, and would’ve won had Mami not trapped her at the last second -Survived having her Soul Gem destroyed twice -Alongside Mami, defeated an army of wraiths -Regained her memories of the previous world -Stole Madoka’s godly powers for herself -Rewrote the entire universe in an attempt to make everyone’s lives better, while also sealing away any of Madoka’s memories that were related to her former powers
Most of Homura’s background is unknown, as she doesn’t seem to have any family members and it’s never shown what happened to her prior to all of the series’ events. What is known, however, is that she was a transfer student who had been hospitalized due to suffering from a heart disease that left her physically frail and weak. She would later be released from the hospital and begin attending Mitakihara Middle School, where she would meet Madoka Kaname and Sayaka Miki, two students who she would later befriend.
One day, while she was on her way home from school, Homura would wind up getting attacked by Izabel, a witch that attempted to prey on her growing depression and convince her to commit suicide. Fortunately, the timely arrival of Madoka and fellow student Mami Tomoe managed to snap her out of her depressed state and she watched in awe as they destroyed the monster. After this encounter, Homura would learn that both Madoka and Mami were Magical Girls, girls who gained special powers after making a contract with the cat-like alien Kyubey in which they agreed to battle the Lovecraftian horrors known as witches in exchange for having a wish granted. Intrigued by this, Homura would watch as Madoka and Mami continued taking down various witches until the end of the month, when both Magical Girls were slain by the witch Walpurgisnacht, who would only die after Madoka sacrificed herself. Desperate to prevent this from happening, Homura made a contract with Kyubey, telling the Incubator that she wanted to be strong enough to protect Madoka. The contract was made, and Homura found herself sent back to the 16th, when she was first released from the hospital.
Now armed with a new time-stopping shield as part of her wish, Homura made it her life’s goal to prevent Madoka from meeting the same fate she originally had, no matter how many times she needed to go back in time to do so.
Strength: -Killed various witches with her explosives alone -A clash with Mami destroyed the ruins around them -Launched a fuel truck at Walpurgischnaut -Killed various wraiths with shots from her bow -Knocked out Sayaka with a chop to the neck -Destroyed a metal drum using nothing but a golf club -Blocked a strike from Wraith Kyoko -Clashed with Mami -Kicked Sayaka hard enough to create a shockwave -As Homulilly, was able to destroy large areas of Mitakihara City -As Homulily, clashed with Oktavia
Speed: -Able to avoid attacks from Charlotte, who could easily blitz Mami -Chased down a truck on the freeway -Dodged attacks from Oriko and Kirika -Able to keep up with Wraith Kyoko -Wraith Kyoko can dodge gunfire from Mami -Dodged Mami’s point blank shots while free falling -Lifted her leg to intercept a bullet after it went through her head
Durability: -Survived having Walpurgischnaut throw a building at her -Took several attacks from Wraith Kyoko -Tanked an explosion from a shockwave powerful enough to destroy the building underneath her -Withstood a bullet going through her head
Skills: -Stole a majority of her weapons from the Yakuza without getting caught -Made all her pipe bombs herself -Has more than 13 years of experience fighting witches -Considered the most powerful magical girl between herself, Mami, Kyoko, and Sayaka (though this is under the assumption that no one knows her abilities)
Weapons and Equipment:
Soul Gem: -Located on the back of Homura’s left hand -Is the source of Homura’s magic -Allows her to heal from any wound and dampen (or even nullify) pain -Can not be killed unless her Soul Gem is broken -Can track down sources of magical energy
Shield: -Allows Homura to stop and reset time -Works as hammerspace and lets her store anything inside it -Can seemingly use it to grab whatever weapon is needed at the moment Bow: -A gift from Madoka -Lets her fire powerful blasts of energy
Magic Bolts: -Can fire bursts of magic from her hands
Teleportation: -Can teleport short distances
Telekinesis: -Able to move and control inanimate objects with it
Wards: -Can make defensive wards to repel attacks
Memory Manipulation: -Able to manipulate or erase the memories of herself and others -Only able to do this in the new universe
Forms: Homulilly: -Homura’s witch form born from her despair. When created, unlike most witches, Homura lingers on inside and can be saved if returned to normal -Has multiple Familiars to assist her -Clara Dolls wield swords, can match the power of a Magical Girl, and move FTE -Lottes guide Homulilly to a guillotine while binding it. They vary in size, with some being as tall as the average person and others towering over buildings. The latter are strong enough to slice through buildings -Luiselottes ride giant, decaying teeth and wield spears to remove rats or other pests -Lilias fire large, cannonball-like nuts from their mouths -Lieses can be found in normal and giant variants
Weaknesses: -Heavily obsessed with Madoka, often putting her before her own well-being -Heavily relies on her time stop -If her Soul Gem is more than 40 feet away from her, her body will be unresponsive and she’ll essentially be dead -Can’t use her time travel until she’s used up all the sand in her hourglass, meaning the chances of her using it in a Death Battle are nigh-impossible -Running out of magic will kill her -Questionable emotional stability and sanity -Homulily is essentially mindless -While she is still alive after Homulilly is defeated, she is left vulnerable -Puella Magi Madoka Magica: Homura’s Revenge -Was friend-zoned by God
(“I won’t rely on anyone anymore. I don’t care if no one understands. I won’t let Madoka fight. I’ll destroy every last witch by myself if I have to! And this time I’ll defeat Walpurgisnacht… once and for all!”)
Alright, the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all! It’s time for a Death Battle!
——————————————————
Morioh, Japan; Noon
To an outsider, the town of Morioh would have likely been written off as being nothing out of the ordinary, and for the most part they would’ve been correct. Outside of the occasional bizarre situation, the population lived relatively normal lives, but taking a deeper look into the citizens’ lives would reveal the depraved secrets that some of them kept hidden from the world.
One such example of this was a man currently walking down the street. The upper half of his body was covered by a long-sleeved green dress shirt that had gray stripes. Wrapped around his neck was a purple tie decorated with images of skulls that possessed upright, cat-like ears. A periwinkle jacket covered the green dress shirt, and a matching pair of pants obscured his legs. His feet were covered up by a pair of plain white shoes.
As if to contrast with this man’s unique clothing style, there was nothing about his facial structure that really stuck out. At best you could claim he had a vague resemblance to David Bowie, but otherwise he seemed to be completely mundane in terms of looks. To the outside world, he would’ve likely been seen as nothing more than an average salaryman, but this was nothing more than a front to hide his true desires.
In actuality, this man was the infamous serial killer of Morioh, Yoshikage Kira. Currently, however, he was not in the midst of committing any crime. Instead, he was busy making his way to a nearby park, keeping a paper bag clenched firmly in his grip as he walked toward his destination. After roughly another minute of walking he had made it to his spot: a clearing hidden behind a tree, situated near a beautiful lake. As he sat down, the sociopath opened up his bag and reached into his suit coat, pulling out a rather disturbing item: a severed hand. Keeping a firm grip on the detached appendage, he placed it into the bag and scooped out its contents: a fried chicken sandwich. As he began eating, using the hand as a means to keep it in place, Kira couldn’t help but take in the majestic sights of his hometown.
“Simply beautiful, isn’t it?” He asked aloud, seemingly to his severed hand. “There’s really no other place as wonderful as Morioh.”
[Stop music]
Unbeknownst to the salaryman, his tranquility wouldn’t last for much longer. Walking along at a slow pace was a man who looked rather odd. He was tall, roughly six feet in height, with combed-back blond hair and stubble around his chin. His attire consisted of a purple shirt with black rimming, a cravat that had been tied around his neck, and baggy white tights that were tucked into a pair of stylized black-and-purple boots. The boots in question were adorned with golden toecaps and some sort of silver, nail-like fixture on top. Wrapped around his shirt was a large magenta cape, held in place by a golden X-shaped piece. Bizarrely, there seemed to be a ring clipped to the lower front halves of the cape, despite them not appearing to serve a purpose. One of the more striking details of his appearance came in the form of his face, as the top half was almost entirely obscured by a golden opera mask.
As he took in the sights of the land surrounding him, Relius Clover couldn’t help but feel somewhat disappointed. This town, its citizens… they were all so disappointing. After he had entered into the Boundary with his wife, Ignis, the scientist had hoped he might be able to find a new, more entertaining world, one that would perhaps allow him to progress further in his studies. Instead, he had only succeeded in entering a universe filled with monotony and primitiveness. While he had managed to succeed in purchasing a home and even set up a lab inside of it, there wasn’t much else for him to do. Not even reorganizing his bookshelves could alleviate his boredom, a sure sign that this new world had taken its toll on his mental status.
‘Even here, these creatures seem content in living out their banal existences. Why? Are they so ignorant that they’re willing to continue living out these overly relaxed, uneventful existences without showing even a shred of interest in breaking out of their repetitive cycle?’ While these pessimistic, confused thoughts swam about in his mind, the Mad Puppeteer had continued walking forward when he felt a rather familiar sensation enter into his body. Perhaps it was born of his subconscious desire for entertainment, or maybe it was just a coincidence, but that didn’t change what he was feeling.
Although it wasn’t obvious to an outsider, Clover’s prior exposure to the Boundary had left him with the ability to sense the souls of other living beings, and this ability was currently showing him something intriguing. Despite it still being some distance away, Relius could still tell what it was: a body that held two presences within. The idea of this in and of itself was nothing new to him- he had even encountered such beings before- but it still piqued his curiosity nonetheless. From the extensive research he had conducted beforehand, there wasn’t anything to suggest that the people of this world had crafted Nox Nyctores, nor that they had managed to discover the existence of Ars Magus or even basic magic. This left the scientist with one question: how was it that such a person could exist here, of all places?
With his desire for information growing more aroused by each second, Relius began making his way toward the source of this anomaly. His mind had already gone into overdrive, mapping out the various tests he would perform on this unique specimen. A small flicker of a smile appeared on his face as he continued forward, slowly drawing closer to his target with each step.
Back at the park’s clearing, Kira had taken the last bite of his katsu sandwich when something happened that caused his calm demeanor to shift. His ears picked up the sound of a series of footsteps, each one growing louder as their owner slowly drew closer to him. His eyes widened in panic as he looked toward the source of the sound, all the while hastily placing his recent “girlfriend” back into his jacket. A mysterious person, one who the killer had never seen before, had begun making his way toward his current position.
Upon his arrival, something about this enigma caused a feeling of paralyzing dread to wash over the blond’s entire body. His hands started to violently shake as entire oceans of sweat began to drench his face. He couldn’t explain why this was, nor could he understand why this sense of terror was overcoming him. All he wanted to do at this point was leave the park as fast as he possibly could. Unfortunately, the fear was preventing him from doing so, as his legs seemed glued to the floor.
This paralyzing terror would spike even further when the new arrival emerged and almost immediately looked at Kira’s hand, which was still in the middle of hiding his object of affection. This only lasted for a moment before he shifted his gaze toward the sociopath’s face, but it was long enough for the salaryman to begin stressing out.
‘Dammit! How could I have been so careless? How did this man even find me?’ Yoshikage questioned as beads of sweat ran down his forehead. Quickly placing the severed hand into his coat, Kira then took a deep breath and tried his hardest to remain calm. While this man might have caught a glimpse of his “girlfriend,” there was still a slim chance that he hadn’t noticed anything suspicious. Either way, the hand fetishist chose to keep his guard up, preparing himself for the moment this man said or did anything incriminating. The man simply stared at Yoshikage for several seconds, as though he were studying the killer down to the last minute detail.
[Stop music]
Unbeknownst to the salaryman, Relius was looking beyond his physical appearance, instead choosing to peer into something further: his soul. Upon laying his eyes on the blue ball of light, the former colonel noticed an interesting creature residing within it, currently curled up in fetal position.
This inner being was visibly muscular, sporting light pink skin and a crown comprised of two triangular extensions that jutted out of its skull, bearing a vague resemblance to a cat’s ears. As if to further this comparison, the specter’s eyes contained vertical pupils and lightly colored sclera. It lacked a nose, and its thin mouth seemed to be perpetually closed. Its hands were covered by studded, forearm-length leather gloves, which was mirrored in style by ankle-high footwear and a garter belt-esque band wrapped around its waist. Its shoulders, belt buckle, the backs of its hands, a plate hanging in front of its crotch, both sides of its ankles, and the top of its feet all bore the emblem of a skull that possessed ears similar to its own.
As if noticing it was being watched, the pink specter looked up from its position and locked eyes with the former Sage of Ishana. The two stared intensely at each other for a brief moment, with Relius muttering an amused “interesting” under his breath.
[Stop music]
Quickly breaking off contact with the miniature being, Clover refocused his gaze on Kira, noticing the man’s tense body language.
“Apologies for interrupting your lunch, but I just couldn’t help but feel an odd sensation residing in the air. And from the looks of things you seem to be the one responsible for this anomaly. I can sense an immense power within you, currently bound within your soul, but ready to be released at any second. If I might be so bold, would you perhaps be willing to show it to me?” Upon hearing Relius’ words, Kira blinked in surprise, only to quickly regain his composure.
‘So he can sense Killer Queen… is he another Stand user? I can’t sense one on him, but at the same time there seems to be something off about him.’ After thinking about it for a brief second, Kira put his lingering thoughts aside. ‘It doesn’t matter what he is. Stand user or not, I can’t allow him to ruin my dreams of a normal life.’
“If you’re so eager to learn of its power, then I’ll gladly show you.” With that, the average-looking businessman grabbed hold of the paper bag that lay near him, crumpled it into a ball, and proceeded to utter two words:
「Killer Queen」
Once those had escaped his lips, the pink specter Relius had spotted earlier leapt out from its owner’s body, appearing directly behind Yoshikage.
“Interesting. So that is the power of your Drive, to summon a spirit to aid you in combat.” Upon hearing this, Morioh’s serial killer gave a confused look.
“‘Drive?’” He repeated in bewilderment before quickly returning to his normal demeanor. “Heh. You’re mistaken on both accounts. This is my Stand, Killer Queen, and as for its ability…”
The spirit grabbed hold of the paper bag in its owner’s hand and proceeded to toss it like a baseball. Just when it seemed as though the ballistic sphere was about to make contact, Relius, using his superhuman reaction speed, casually stepped aside. The crumpled-up ball hit the ground behind him almost immediately, and then something odd happened. Upon contact, the ball produced a violent explosion, yet it didn’t leave a sound. Despite this, the power behind the detonation was enough to knock the scientist off his feet and send him crashing to the ground. With a slightly annoyed grunt, Clover pushed himself back up, visibly unharmed despite being within the explosion’s vicinity. Quickly brushing the dust off his outfit, the misanthropic sage looked back up at Kira and smirked.
“Truly remarkable. To think that someone so physically unimpressive could possess such a powerful ability. Whether it’s because of your Drive or Stand, whichever you call it, I’ve still got my hopes up either way. And since you’ve shown me your assistant, I believe it’s only fair I show you mine.” With that, Relius raised his right arm and proceeded to snap his fingers. “Ignis!”
In tandem with his command, a flash of violet light appeared behind him. Once it had faded, it revealed a massive robotic puppet in the shape of a woman. She had blonde hair, most of which was obscured by a massive violet hat. Said hat possessed golden rings on both sides as well as flaps that ran down its back. Her dress and collar possessed the same color. Her eyes were blue, with lines running down both sides of her face. The most notable feature among this summon, however, were her fingers, which consisted of long, curved hooks. This was Ignis Clover. Years ago, she had been Relius’ wife, but now she was nothing more than a Detonator, a lifeless metal puppet forever bound to his will.
‘So I was correct with my earlier assumption. He does have a Stand!’ Kira thought to himself as he noticed the scientist’s “Stand” enter a combative stance. Relius himself remained idle, keeping his right hand near his chin, with his index finger resting against his base. His other arm remained hidden within his cloak, giving off the impression that he viewed this as less of a fight and more a thought-provoking experiment. Noticing his opponent’s relaxed posture, Yoshikage scoffed.
‘He seems to be rather arrogant, though I shouldn’t expect anything less from a foreigner. Perhaps Killer Queen might be able to teach him a lesson in humility.’ As this thought entered into his mind, the salaryman gave a light smirk before adjusting his tie, with his Stand entering into a combative stance of its own.
Both men looked each other in the eye, patiently waiting for the other to make a move. They waited for three seconds, as though daring the other to throw the first punch. Then, once those three seconds had ended, one of them chose to act!
[Start at 0:23]
Wanting to end this quickly, Kira commanded Killer Queen to rush forward, with the Stand immediately throwing a right jab to Relius’ chest. Just when it seemed that the guardian’s fist was about to make contact with the scientist’s chest, Ignis suddenly appeared in front of her husband and grabbed his attacker’s wrist. Then, before the catlike spirit or its owner could react, the Detonator retaliated by swiping her claws. Her bladed fingers were poised to rake themselves across Killer Queen’s chest, but the Stand proved quick to react as it blocked the razor-sharp digits using its left forearm.
As this occurred, Kira grunted in pain as several small nicks appeared on his arm, positioned in the exact same spots where the blades had brushed against his Stand’s limb. Upon feeling these newfound injuries, the businessman brought his arm up and looked at them. He then shifted his gaze for a moment, looking back up to see that Relius seemed deeply engrossed in watching their assistants fight it out. With this knowledge in mind, Yoshikage took the time to remove his necktie and quickly wrapped it around his wounds, using it as a makeshift bandage.
Back with Killer Queen and Ignis, the former had managed to push the latter off, delivering a left hook that sent the robotic puppet staggering back. She proved quick to recover, only taking a split second to regain her bearings before rushing toward the catlike Stand. Once she was close enough, her master spoke a command.
“Dentibus!” In tandem with this Latin phrase, Ignis’ appearance underwent a sudden shift. The flaps on her head suddenly wrapped themselves around her body, forming a massive ball around herself. A legion of spikes then emerged from the sphere of fabric, with their creator responding by pushing herself forward. The moment she did so, her spiked, balled-up form began to approach both Kira and Killer Queen at breakneck speeds. Just when it seemed that she was about to bowl over both Kira and his Stand, the Detonator suddenly found herself thrown for a loop when both of her targets suddenly dove toward the side, with the spirit throwing out a powerful kick that sent her hurtling across the street.
With his opponent’s assistant temporarily dealt with, Yoshikage decided it was time to end this before Ignis could recover. He took a brief moment to look around, his eyes scanning the surrounding area for more makeshift explosives. Upon spotting a stack of three rocks laying a close distance away, the salaryman immediately took action. Using Killer Queen as what amounted to an extended limb, Kira grabbed hold of the stones and dragged them closer to himself. Then, using what little time he had, he proceeded to flick the closest rock toward his masked adversary. The ballistic stone shot through the air like a rocket, approaching its target at hypersonic speeds. To an average person, they likely wouldn’t have been able to react before the transmuted explosive made contact with their frame, but Relius wasn’t an average person.
In fact, when he looked at the charged projectile, Clover viewed its speed as being pathetically slow. With his enhanced speed, he was already thinking of several ways to handle the oncoming ballistic. Given the previous explosion that had occurred when an object had been launched by the “Stand,” as its owner referred to it, it was safe to assume that this would still be the case, meaning that physical contact was out of the question. After several milliseconds of contemplation, the masked sociopath had managed to come up with an appropriate response.
Just when the explosive was about to make contact with his body, Clover did something unexpected. With a shout of “Evader,” he suddenly began spinning in place, causing the rock to streak past him. Despite this, a light smirk still made its way onto Kira’s face as his Stand quickly pressed its right thumb against the middle phalanx of its index finger. At the exact moment this occurred, the charged stone suddenly burst open. A massive screen of smoke and fire then erupted out of the rock, somehow matching the size of Relius himself despite its container’s minuscule frame. This explosion sent its target hurtling forward by several feet, as one would have expected, but then something odd happened. Instead of dissipating and leaving scorch marks in the ground, as one would have expected, the detonation instead seemed to implode on itself, collapsing into nothingness. To make things even weirder, the environment seemed to be unaffected, as not even the grass beneath the explosion had been burned away.
As he struggled to push himself back up, the Mad Puppeteer looked up just in time to see another pebble rocketing toward his face. For a brief moment it seemed that death was imminent for the colonel, but this soon changed as he shouted two words.
“Unleashing barrier!”
Just when the stone was centimeters from his face, a green translucent circle suddenly appeared in front of Relius, protecting him from the explosive that was nanoseconds away from embedding itself into his forehead. Unfortunately, while this was able to serve its purpose in protecting the opera fanatic, it had also managed to detonate the very thing it was meant to protect him from. Upon making contact, the power behind the explosion was enough to shatter the barrier like glass, with the force sending its target skidding back.
[Stop music]
While watching his explosion dissipate into nothingness, much like it had before, Kira’s smug expression suddenly shifted into one of surprise at what he saw. Relius was still alive, though the explosion had done visible damage to his body. His cape, shirt, and pants had entire sections eaten away, exposing his skin and covering it in major burns. His face had easily taken the worst damage, with portions of his exposed jawline having been horribly charred or scorched.
“Oh? Well, this is a surprise.” Kira thought aloud. “I never thought it was possible for someone to survive one of Killer Queen’s bombs. However…” he quickly brought his hand up, revealing the final stone that lay in his hand. “I highly doubt that such an occurrence could happen twice.” He looked Clover dead in the eye before continuing to speak.
“And seeing how I have a schedule to keep…” Yoshikage took a brief moment to adjust his grip, placing the last rock in such a position that he’d be able to launch it just by flicking his thumb. “I’ll be sure to make this quick.”
“Caesoria!” Upon hearing Relius’ bizarre response, the Stand user’s eyes suddenly widened as he remembered something: the last time the scientist said something like that, that “Stand” of his, Ignis, had appeared out of nowhere and attacked.
As this realization hit him, a violet light suddenly flashed behind Kira, causing him to turn around. Before he even had a chance to attack her, Ignis slashed at his arm, knocking the rock out of his hand and sending it flying into the air. Upon hitting the ground, the stone immediately exploded, though there still seemed to be no visible damage to the environment.
As he grit his teeth, doing his best to fight back the urge to cry out in pain from his newfound cut, Kira prepared to do battle with the Detonator once again, but she quickly teleported back to her master’s side. Realizing this, the salaryman looked back at his beaten adversary, expecting that he would still be vulnerable enough to take out. Much to his surprise (and annoyance), this wasn’t the case. Instead, the former colonel had managed to recover his bearings, as he was now standing up straight and even sporting a light grin.
“Very impressive. I never expected that someone would be able to keep me on my toes like that, especially one from this backwater town. For that I’ll give you credit.” Relius complimented, only for his grin to shift into a more serious expression. “However, at the same time I feel that it only makes this battle all the more pointless. It doesn’t matter how much you continue fighting against me, because in the end you’ll only stave off the inevitable.”
“Is that so?” Kira asked, chuckling. “Because your struggles against Killer Queen’s power seem to prove that it’s you who’s fighting against the inevitable. Each time I’ve used its ability, you’ve just barely managed to dodge each of its bombs. Eventually your focus will slip, and in that moment your life will meet its end.”
“You seem to be rather confident in that assessment.” Relius noted as his smirk returned. “In that case, let’s see how well you can back it up!”
With that, Relius and his wife suddenly rushed forward, the former thrusting his arm forward and delivering a cross punch that struck Kira directly. While the serial killer staggered back, a mechanical arm suddenly emerged from his adversary’s cloak and rammed itself into his gut, forcing him to lurch over and cough up spittle. Immediately following this action, Relius crouched down, letting out a shout of “scatter” as a green-and-gold mechanical hand shot out from his tattered cape and delivered a chop that knocked Kira’s feet out from under him. The salaryman nearly hit the pavement below, but his opponent proved quicker to act as he crouched down and summoned the green hand once more. Unlike before, this time the mechanical limb was now in the shape of a fist that sent Yoshikage into the air with an uppercut.
With his opponent now airborne, Clover stood up straight and thrust his arm toward the murderer, sending out a longer version of the green arm that nailed the Stand user in the chin and sent him further through the air. Just as Kira had hit the peak of his ascension, Relius reeled him back in as he pulled out a massive Swiss army knife and activated the blade. It shot out at hypersonic speeds, catching the aerial businessman with a strike to the back and flinging him forward. Refusing to allow his opponent a chance at recovery, Relius then called forth two metal fists, commanding them to crush Yoshikage in their grip for a brief moment before tossing him back into the air. Then, not wasting a single moment, the researcher proceeded to summon a green fist and delivered yet another uppercut, sending Yoshikage further into the air.
All too eager to follow after him, the Mad Puppeteer then leapt through the air, using two mechanical fists to each deliver a low punch that, in a blatant defiance of the laws of physics, somehow juggled Kira further into the air. Quickly repositioning himself over the prone serial killer, Clover then ejected a massive saw blade from his cloak, eliciting a cry of pain from his opponent as the blade sliced against his back. Before the battered and bloodied serial killer could fully recover, Relius suddenly gave a shout of “Manus!”
In accordance with this call, an enormous green-and-gold arm shot out from the madman’s cloak, slamming into Yoshikage’s entire frame and sending him hurtling even further through the air. This trip would only come to an end when the self-proclaimed Ultimate Architect gave another command, this time to his wife.
“Cruoi!” Once these words had left his mouth, Ignis suddenly appeared above Kira and dropped down, her legs morphing into drills as she slammed into the serial killer. Upon making contact, the Detonator’s drill-legs began rapidly spinning as she slammed her prone target into the ground, kicking up a cloud of dust in the process. As it began clearing up, Ignis looked down at Yoshikage Kira’s bloodied and battered form for a brief moment before returning to her husband’s side. Just as she had, the Stand user managed to get back to his feet, letting out a grunt of pain in the process. Looking down, the salaryman found that he was now sporting two bloody holes where the puppet had drilled into him. Quickly shifting his gaze back up, he found that Relius was slowly approaching him, his mask obscuring an otherwise neutral expression.
[Stop music]
“How pathetic. I’d sensed great potential within you, yet you proved to be ill-suited for combat even when I was pulling my punches.” He then stopped in front of Kira, using the mechanical hands within his cloak to grab the prone body and lift it up. “Of course, that’s not to say that your performance hasn’t left me intrigued. I’m quite curious as to how one like yourself could have obtained such an impressive ability.”
The mechanical hands began further constricting themselves around the businessman’s body, tightening themselves to the point where their captive would be unable to move. Unfortunately for the former Immortal Breaker, it seemed that Killer Queen had other plans.
Just when it seemed as though the metal restraints were about to leave the Japanese man in a bind, his Stand suddenly leapt forth from his body, its arm extended outward to touch Relius at any second. Just when it seemed that the spirit was about to end the combatants’ struggle early, something happened that caused the cat-like creature to reel back with an expression of visible surprise on its face.
Somehow, through some unknown means, the scientist had managed to end the Stand’s assault prematurely, grabbing hold of its wrists and forcing it back. Its eyes narrowing in determination, the guardian suddenly brought its knee upward and delivered a powerful strike to Clover’s face. The Mad Puppeteer was sent stumbling back, momentarily losing his focus and causing the hands binding Yoshikage to loosen their grip.
Realizing it now had a chance to free its master, Killer Queen returned to his side and began rapidly throwing forth a series of swipes that pushed the binds away. Within the span of a few nanoseconds the spirit had already succeeded in freeing its user, who quickly walked out from the pile of limbs just as his captor had begun recovering. As he watched the puppeteer push himself back up, the gears within Kira’s head had already begun turning as he thought of a way to end this fight before it could escalate any further. It would certainly be difficult with that robot of his, but if he could just get rid of her…
A devious grin made its way onto the blond’s face just as Relius had fully recovered from the surprise attack.
“The secret of how I obtained Killer Queen will be one that remains forever beyond your grasp.” Yoshikage taunted. “But I’ll be glad to show you another of its abilities!”
At the exact moment these words had finished leaving his mouth, Killer Queen suddenly appeared in front of its master once again, though this time its abdominals had split themselves open to reveal a strange creature inside. It appeared to be a fusion between cat and plant, with a body consisting of a thick stem and limbs comprised of massive leaves. Its head consisted only of two gargantuan petals sporting a pattern of long, dark spots. A pair of yellow eyes were situated in the middle of these petals, resulting in an animal that was rather unsettling to look at.
As the sunlight hit its face, Stray Cat opened its eyes and gave a violent hiss. With this hiss came a bubble of air, one that was nigh-invisible and moved toward Clover at a snail’s pace. Its target, unable to see the projectile, chose to keep his guard up just in case. Given what his adversary had tried beforehand, it was safe to assume that the killer had some tricks up his sleeves. Relius waited for the moment he saw any suspicious activity, mentally preparing to call for Ignis’ aid. After several seconds of waiting, the colonel noticed a vague distortion in the air, several feet away from his current position.
[Pause music]
“Come forth!” Relius commanded his wife, who responded immediately. Upon appearing in front of him, the Detonator went to work as her ribbons shot forward, unleashing purple blades that were set to pop the invisible sphere at any second. Unfortunately, she proved to be a bit too slow as Killer Queen acted first, once again pressing its thumb against the index finger’s phalanx. The moment this occurred, the air bubble suddenly began bloating and swelling in size before suddenly bursting open in a massive cloud of flame and smoke. This explosion reached outward, consuming Ignis and her husband in the process before just as quickly dissipating into nothing. Once it had cleared up, two things were revealed: the first was that both were still alive, though the second was where things got interesting. The explosion had left even more burns on the puppeteer’s skin, with a majority of his clothing having been reduced to tatters. In contrast, his wife had been completely unharmed physically, but now she was slumped over and unable to move. With his wife temporarily out of commission, Relius was now forced to fend for himself, and he was more than prepared to do so.
[Continue]
As Killer Queen threw its hand forward, no doubt to use its power on him, the scientist suddenly leapt into the air, causing both the Stand and its owner to look up in surprise. From the moment he had ascended into the air, the former colonel brought his arm forward, summoning a small array of gears from his cloak. The catlike spirit raised its arms, using its forearms to block the bladed cogwheels. While this was successful, the blades were quickly digging into the guardian’s limbs. As this occurred, several scratches appeared on Kira’s limbs, but the serial killer quickly put that aside. He had other matters to worry about.
Back with Relius, he had landed on the ground and immediately delivered a karate chop that threw Killer Queen off its feet. As his assistant hit the ground, Yoshikage proved quick to rush forward, throwing out a punch that struck his masked opponent in the face and sent him reeling back for a brief moment.
Before Clover had a chance to recover from the attack, Kira continued his assault by using Killer Queen to throw out millions of punches, all of them striking hard enough to break multiple bones in its target’s body. In addition to this, these blows were all moving at speeds too fast for the human mind to keep up with, easily surpassing the speed of light by at least 100 times. After several seconds of using the leader of the Sages of Ishana as a glorified punching bag, the Stand threw out a final strike that nailed itself directly into Relius chest, cracking the madman’s ribs and sending him flying through the air. His trip would only end once he slammed back-first into a tree, eliciting a small grunt of pain.
As he rose to his feet, albeit with some difficulty due to his new wounds, Relius noticed another of Stray Cat’s bubbles slowly approaching him. Remembering how destructive the last projectile had been, he decided it would be best to intercept it before it proved to be any more trouble. A metal scorpion tail suddenly emerged from his cloak, spearing through the tree behind him. Then, with little effort whatsoever, the Mad Puppeteer ripped the plant from the ground and chucked it as hard as he could, hurling it like a massive javelin.
‘I didn’t think he’d be this strong!’ Yoshikage thought in surprise as he watched the tree barrel through his bubble without any issue. As the makeshift weapon barreled toward him, Kira summoned Killer Queen once again, using it to throw out thousands of punches at the giant plant. As he watched his guardian rapidly chip away at the massive obstacle, Kira gave a light smirk. ‘But when compared to Killer Queen’s speed and power, raw strength means nothing!’
While he watched this from where he stood, Relius took a brief moment to shift his gaze toward his wife. She was still in the process of rebooting herself, and from the looks of things it appeared that she was seconds from finishing.
‘Excellent. Just a few more seconds and I can call an end this extended trial.’ He thought to himself, looking back at Kira with a light smirk.
Just as he had finished these thoughts, his opponent managed to finish destroying the massive tree, leaving his surroundings coated in thousands of minuscule splinters. Despite this, the salaryman chose to pay it no mind. With the obstacle out of his way, there was nothing separating him from Relius, and now he’d be able to put an end to this! He prepared to rush toward the scientist, intent on using Killer Queen’s power once he was close enough to the puppeteer. Just before he could do so, he noticed the smirk on Relius’ face and immediately stopped.
[Stop music]
‘What is he planning? Did I walk into a trap of some kind?’ Kira thought to himself.
“Well, it’s been fun, but I do believe it would be appropriate if I took my leave now. I’ve seen more than enough from you to arouse my curiosity.” As he turned around, the scientist snapped his fingers, ushering Ignis to his side. “Perhaps our paths will cross again in the near future, once I’ve obtained more information on these ‘Stands,’ as you refer to them. Until then, I must bid you adieu.”
“Hold on!” Kira called out.
“Hm?” Clover looked over his shoulder, an uninterested expression on his face.
“Do you really think I’d be willing to let you escape so easily? After you attempted to disrupt my day and ruin my otherwise perfect life?” The killer asked, his voice having a dangerous edge to it.
“I’d expect that you know when you’re beaten.” Relius clarified, his tone sounding like that of a parent scolding a misbehaving child. Turning his gaze back to the front, the scientist then began walking away at a leisurely pace, leaving his annoyed opponent behind. “Now, assuming there are no further questions, I shall bid you adieu.”
At hearing this response, Kira clenched his fist in anger. Did this man have no limits to his arrogance?
Yet as he watched the former colonel depart from the area, something seemed to click in Kira’s head, something that caused him to smirk.
‘So he thinks he’s won this battle so easily?’ He chuckled. ‘That arrogance is going to be his downfall, especially once I use the second bomb.’
As these thoughts echoed through his mind, a skull-shaped mark appeared on the salaryman’s left hand, symbolizing that he had just deployed Killer Queen’s second bomb, Sheer Heart Attack.
Meanwhile, Relius and his wife were still in the middle of trekking through the park, with the former using his mastery of the science/magic hybrid known as Ars Magus to heal and regenerate from his multiple wounds. By this point he had succeeded in removing a majority of the burns and shattered bones that adorned his body, though he wasn’t focusing on this. His mind was busy thinking of the encounter he’d just been through.
‘It seems this world isn’t as wretched as I’d imagined. Unimaginative title aside, these “Stands” seem to be quite powerful. Do all of them have abilities like that pink one, and are they all as quick-footed?’ Relius thought to himself. “Perhaps I should save those questions for another ti- hm?”
The scientist’s thought process was cut off as a peculiar sound made itself known to his ears, followed soon after by a deep, echoing voice calling out to him.
“Look over here.” Clover did as it had asked, only to find himself looking at a bizarre creature that lay some distance away. Its “body” consisted of a plated green sphere with tank treads on both sides. Sitting atop its spherical form was a small brown knob that only seemed to serve no other purpose than aesthetics, and embedded in the sphere’s middle was a cat-like skull with a dagger in its forehead.
Upon seeing that its target had locked eyes with it, Sheer Heart Attack picked up the pace and flew toward the scientist at speeds that betrayed its bulky appearance. Recognizing that this automaton might pose a threat, minuscule though it may have been, the Mad Puppeteer reacted accordingly.
[Start at 0:21]
With nothing more than a gesture of his hands, he commanded Ignis to move forward, his steel-plated wife taking off toward the autonomous explosive at top speed. As if noticing this obstruction, the Second Bomb began skidding to the right in an attempt to avoid it, but the puppet proved quick to react as she stretched her arm out and grabbed hold of the tank. Sheer Heart Attack struggled against the robot’s grip, its tank treads violently grinding against the dirt terrain in an attempt to overpower Ignis’ grip. Unfortunately, its efforts would be in vain, as his captor was all too willing to prove by effortlessly tossing it into the air. Just when the tank’s descent had begun, its captor’s hands began shifting in shape, morphing into a pair of hook blades. Then, as the mini-tank appeared in her field of vision, she swung these blade-hands at rapid speeds, striking with enough force that it was sent flying through the air. Its trek would only end once its wheels clanged against the ground, sending it bouncing into the air for a brief moment before it slammed against the dirt terrain once again.
With its treads back on the ground, Sheer Heart Attack wasted no time and immediately rushed forward, attempting to close the distance between itself and Relius before Ignis could intervene again. Seeing this, the masked blond responded by giving a light smirk. For a few moments it appeared as though the mini-tank was about to ram into him, but this soon changed as itssupposed victim suddenly uttered a single word.
“Enjoy!” Clover said tauntingly as two green-and-gold arms suddenly emerged from his cloak, both of them slamming into each other just as Sheer Heart Attack was inches from making contact. Quickly lifting it into the air, the scientist commanded his mechanical limbs to chuck the green explosive as hard as they possibly could. As a result, the Second Bomb was sent hurtling through the air once more, this time crashing into one of the trees that lay in the distance. Upon its collision, the plant suddenly burst open as a massive explosion consumed its entire frame.
[Pause]
Seeing this, Relius couldn’t help but smirk. Did that man really expect that he’d obtain victory by relying on such a crude device?
While he was preparing to walk back, however, a familiar sound made its way to his ears.
CLANKCLANKCLANKCLANKCLANK
“Look over here.” Sighing in a mixture of disappointment and slight irritation, the colonel looked back and found himself facing the tank-like bomb, which was now hurtling toward him once more.
[Continue]
In the midst of it doing this, however, Relius had managed to concoct a plan, one that would hopefully be able to rid him of this nuisance.
Just when it seemed that the explosive was about to make contact, he spoke two words:
“Capture, Ignis!”
In tandem with this command, the Detonator suddenly appeared behind her husband in a flash of light. Her arms ascended through the air, the left moving clockwise and the right counterclockwise, and with each inch something seemed to form in front of her. It was a small sphere, roughly the size of an apple, and its color was completely pitch-black. Once it had formed in its entirety, she grabbed hold of it and rushed forward, keeping her left arm outstretched as she did so. The two machines collided almost immediately, with Sheer Heart Attack making direct contact with the sphere. Upon doing so, the ball expanded in size, consuming the explosive and capturing it in multiple golden rings comprised entirely of nigh-unintelligible letters. The bomb attempted to move forward, but its prison prevented it from budging even an inch. While he couldn’t tell if it was sentient enough to understand him, Relius chose to taunt his newfound captive either way.
“It’s over. You won’t escape.” After speaking these words, two massive robotic arms surrounded Relius’ own, furthering his already impressive power. This was Maxima Dance, the scientist’s Overdrive, and with its activation he was now prepared to begin his assault on the spherical tank.
“Machina!” He declared, cupping both arms to his side and channeling a mysterious white energy into his hands. Then, just as quickly as he’d done this, he raised them into the air and slammed them against the ground, giving a shout of “Ultimum” as he did so. The moment this word left his mouth, a mass of 12 gears, each of varying size, emerged from underground and began to violently grind against the tank’s plating. Each time one of these golden cogs tore into its metal flesh Sheer Heart Attack would let out a monotone cry of “ow!” Unfortunately for the explosive, it wasn’t the only one feeling the effects of the attack.
On the other side of the park, Kira had just made his way to the exit when he suddenly felt an agonizing pain spread through his body. Upon looking down at the source, he found that several minor cuts had suddenly appeared on his hand, all of which were bleeding profusely. ‘Dammit.’ He swore to himself as he tore off an unstained piece of his necktie and wrapped it around these new cuts. ‘It’s only been one minute, and already it seems that Sheer Heart Attack is having trouble with that man.’ Taking a brief moment to avert his gaze, Yoshikage looked back at where he’d came.
‘Perhaps it would be best to go back and make sure I finish this man for good. Then again…’ he looked back down at his bleeding cuts. ‘Both of these wounds do need to be tended to.’
While Kira debated his choices, the gears that were assaulting his weapon suddenly dispersed into nothingness, almost as though they were never there to begin with. Unfortunately, the same could not be said for the tank’s prison, which still remained intact for whatever reason. Seeing this, Clover gave a smirk before continuing his beatdown on the prone bomb.
“Infractus!” As this word left his mouth, Ignis appeared in front of her husband and threw out a jab, which was then followed by a straight punch. From there, her arms became a complete blur as she picked up the pace, rapidly throwing out multiple blows that slammed through the prison’s structure and struck the bomb directly. 20 hits later, the Detonator finally slowed her assault as she delivered two pink energy-fueled uppercuts, taking a brief moment to charge up her final punch. Once that moment had ended, she threw out a final uppercut, striking with enough force that the ball containing Sheer Heart Attack exploded into a massive cloud of smoke and fire. Killer Queen’s second bomb was sent hurtling through the air, easily reaching several hundred feet before it suddenly plummeted, hitting the ground with a loud CLANG! Much to the colonel’s visible annoyance, his autonomous adversary was still intact. There were dozens of scratches from where Ignis had slashed at it, but the mini-tank was otherwise unharmed.
‘It seems that man was more cunning than I gave him credit for. Even after all that punishment, that damned toy of his still persists. Does it have any weaknesses? Unless…’ a light smirk made its way onto Relius’ face as he came to a sudden realization. Perhaps this automaton was resilient enough to match his science, but what of his other abilities?
With this thought in mind, he watched with undivided attention as Sheer Heart Attack rushed forward, secretly determining what spell or Ars Magus would be most effective to use. After roughly several milliseconds of debating, he had managed to come to a conclusion.
“Solidifying space!” He announced.
[Stop music]
The moment these words escaped his lips, everything screeched to a halt, from Sheer Heart Attack to even the wind that was blowing against their surroundings. The only ones who seemed unaffected by this were Ignis and Relius himself, with the latter wasting no time in defending himself by summoning a gravity field around the frozen automaton. With his safety secured, the Sage of Ishana dismissed his wife and began walking back toward the clearing. Normally he wouldn’t have bothered with pursuing a man like Kira any further. If anything, it was more likely that he would’ve let him be, only keeping brief tabs on him in case a new development revealed itself. This was a unique case, however. This “Stand” user’s persistence was interrupting his studies, and that was something Relius refused to allow!
Several seconds later, time resumed its flow as Killer Queen’s second bomb sunk into the ground, leaving a visible indent in the process. Simultaneously, Kira was in the midst of walking down the street, looking for something that could treat his wounds. Then, all of a sudden, the killer felt a massive pressure come down on his hand, sending him to the ground. The moment his now-heavy hand slammed against the ground, the sounds of splitting flesh could be heard as more lacerations appeared on his skin, now accompanied by a horrific cracking sound as his bones slammed against the concrete. Hard.
Letting out a cry of both pain and surprise, Yoshikage attempted to push himself back to his feet, though the strain on his hand was making it difficult to do so. While he pushed against the opposing force, Kira attempted to think of how this could have occurred. Was this the ability of his opponent’s Stand? No, if that were the case then he would’ve seen it do something like this back at the clearing. Was its user responsible? Whatever the case, he decided it would be best to head back to the park. Hopefully he’d be able to intervene before the man could impede Sheer Heart Attack’s progress any further.
After roughly three minutes of retracing his steps, the businessman had made it back to the clearing where this fight had started in the first place. Upon his arrival, the first thing he noticed was that Relius had somehow managed to heal all of his wounds, but he quickly put that aside.
“So you’re still alive? Hm. It seems that I underestimated you. To think you could defeat Sheer Heart Attack so easily…” Kira said, his tone being one of slight condescension as he attempted to keep his hand from hitting the ground.
“Please. Figuring out how to defeat such a weak creature was mere child’s play. I’m honestly surprised you could even think for a second that a berserk explosive on wheels would be enough to do me in. Such a straightforward approach to its targets left me with quite a bit to work with, and the results speak for themselves. Your machine is now nothing more than a sitting duck, unable to move even an inch.” Relius’ smug expression began to falter as he noticed Kira begin chuckling, much to his confusion. “What do you find so amusing?”
“There’s only one way you could possibly stop Sheer Heart Attack, and while I’m not stupid enough to tell you what it is, I’ll say this: whatever you did wasn’t enough to fulfill that condition.” That response caused Clover to frown. He knew there was a chance Kira was only bluffing, but at the same time he was well aware that Killer Queen’s abilities weren’t to be underestimated.
While he tried to think of a way to deal with his adversary’s Stand, Relius took note of the spirit and its master rapidly approaching his current position, the former having already reeled back its fist. Once it was close enough, the intangible guardian began throwing its arm forward, fully intent on using its powers to end Relius’ life in an instant. Unfortunately for the summon, its efforts would be in vain as its would-be victim declared two words.
“Enabling restraints!” In tandem with these words, Killer Queen’s fist suddenly stopped mid-flight, much to the surprise of both the Stand and Kira himself. The pink creature could feel something wrapped around its wrists and ankles, and it found the source upon looking down. These bizarre feelings were coming from golden shackles, each one connected by dozens of similarly-colored chains that slowly faded in visibility the further outward they reached. In addition to this, a golden ring had been erected around the spirit’s body, preventing it from moving any further.
Upon seeing his Stand bound in the sage’s Multiple Restraints Ars Magus, Yoshikage’s first course of action was to try and call it back inside himself, but his expression soon shifted into one of surprise. Somehow, through some way he couldn’t comprehend, those shackles were keeping a firm grip on the normally intangible being.
“What?” He questioned in shock. “What are those?”
“There’s no need to concern yourself with such matters. All you need to know is those restraints will hold your companion long enough for me to end this little charade!” As these words left his mouth, a massive well of power suddenly burst from Relius’ body, signifying that he was ready to go all out! No longer would Kira be facing Relius as he had been before. Now he would face an architect who wielded Unlimited power!
[Start at 0:15]
With this newfound strength coursing through his body, the Mad Puppeteer wasted no time and took action, summoning his wife once again with a snap of his fingers. Upon spotting Kira, the Detonator wasted no time in rushing forward, shifting her hands into hooks in the process.
Once she had closed the distance, the steel-plated puppet slashed three times, with the salaryman just barely managing to dodge each one due to his left hand weighing him down. Noticing the difficulty his opponent seemed to be having, Relius arched an eyebrow in confusion, a sensation that would only grow as he took note of the scratches on the man’s skin.
‘How peculiar. His hand is exhibiting the same effects as that explosive from earlier. Could they be connected in some way?’ He thought to himself for a brief moment before his expression shifted into one of seriousness. ‘Even if they aren’t, it’s high time I wrap this up. The Gravity Seed I cast won’t exist for much longer, and I’d hate to not take advantage of such a glaring weak spot.’
With that thought in mind, Relius conjured a lever next to himself and proceeded to give it a light tug. In tandem with this nonchalant action, a mechanical claw sprung out from underground, clamping itself around the serial killer’s waist and restricting his movement.
With her opponent now restrained, Ignis proceeded to lunge forward, raking her claws against Yoshikage’s chest and leaving five bloody scratches in the process. The immobilized sociopath let out a grunt of pain, but this was quickly interrupted by the Detonator slamming into him as she leapt through the air, taking her blond adversary with her. Before he even had a chance to recover from this blow, Kira found himself sent hurtling toward the ground as Ignis struck him once again, this time delivering a hook to the face.
As he tried to get up, clutching at his now bloodied face in the process, the salaryman took a brief moment to look up, allowing him to see the still-restrained Killer Queen before his vision was suddenly obscured by a long metal hand. He didn’t even have the time to properly react before Ignis violently seized him by the neck and slung him around, throwing him toward her husband. Morioh’s mass murderer found himself hurtling toward Relius at incredibly dangerous speeds, only stopping once the scientist had lifted his cloak to reveal a pair of massive, crossed metal arms. Both of these limbs slammed into the salaryman’s body and sent him spinning around like a top, but Clover knew just how to get him back.
With nothing more than a thought, the arms shot forth from the underground and began spinning around, grinding into Kira and sending him flying back toward the colonel. For a brief moment it seemed that history would repeat itself as his attacker lifted the cloak once again. Unlike before, this time a massive, green-and-gold arm shot out from the cape and grabbed hold of the airborne murderer.
“Zera…” the Sage of Ishana declared as he raised his arm into the air, seemingly for no reason at all. “Varius!” He finished as he proceeded to throw it down, causing the mechanical arm to slam into Kira with enough force that he was launched across the clearing, only stopping when he slammed into a tree back-first.
As the sensation of its master’s pain shot through its body, Killer Queen picked up the pace in its struggles against the Multiple Restraints spell, wriggling around in a desperate attempt to free itself. In the midst of its violent thrashing, the catlike Stand subconsciously bent one of its arms down, with its hand making contact with one of the chain’s many links. The strength behind this chop wound up inducing a small explosion, which was soon followed by the intangible spirit bringing its arm up to continue its attempts at finding freedom. Upon doing this, the pink creature’s expression shifted into one of surprise at what it saw: its arm had easily ripped itself free from the gold shackles that once contained it. Quickly looking down, it then noticed that the shackle and chains that had once bound it no longer existed, almost as if they had faded from existence. Realization then donned on the Stand’s face, soon followed by a smug glint in its eye as it finally realized how to escape from its current situation.
While this was occurring, Kira was propping himself up on one knee, but in the process he felt something that slightly eased his otherwise tense expression. The weight placed upon his left hand was slowly being lifted, allowing him to move it with slightly less difficulty than beforehand. As this realization hit him, he looked over just in time to see his Stand touch the ring surrounding itself. Then, with a quick press of its thumb, the golden circle exploded, its essence dispersing into nothingness.
With its freedom now secured, Killer Queen wasted no time in returning to its master, moving so quickly that neither combatant could perceive it, though Kira could feel it reenter his body. Its timing couldn’t have been more fortunate, because when he looked up he found his gaze matching that of his masked adversary. In contrast with the salaryman’s increasingly relieved look, Relius’ expression was stoic, though his blank, white eyes showed a vague hint of irritation and impatience.
“Well, lab rat, I’d say this has been fun, but in truth I feel nothing short of vexation.” The colonel admitted, his tone remaining cold and aloof despite his words. “Fortunately, I have the perfect solution to alleviate my current attitude.” With that, Clover stretched his arm out, posing dramatically as he uttered the following words:
“Ignis, restrain him!”
As this command left her husband’s mouth, the steel-plated puppet suddenly lunged forward and stretched her arm out, intent on grabbing her target by his head and hoisting him into the air. Relius couldn’t help but allow himself a small smirk while he watched this unfold. This man had proven himself a maddening test subject, but now his victory was assured!
…or at least that’s what he had expected.
[Stop music]
“What?!” Relius questioned, visible shock in his voice as he witnessed something he truly hadn’t expected. Standing before Kira and holding Ignis’ clawed hand in its grip was Killer Queen, which now bore a slight smirk that matched its user’s own.
[Start at 0:24]
Quickly overpowering the Stand’s grip, the blonde robot attempted to throw out a punch, but that too found itself blocked before being countered with a headbutt that sent her skidding back. The Detonator stumbled back, visibly stunned by the blow, but quickly managed to shake it off and began rushing toward the intangible spirit with intent to kill. Once she was close enough, the matriarch of the Clover family drove her energy-enhanced claws forward, preparing to drag them across the Stand’s face. Unfortunately for Ignis, history seemed destined to repeat itself as Killer Queen once again intercepted her attack and countered with a blow of its own, this one being a palm strike that made direct contact with her chest. The moment its palm touched her metal breastplate, the pink creature placed all of its fingers onto the armor and shoved as hard as possible, pushing her back.
As he watched this from where he stood, Kira gave a light smirk, though his concentration was quickly interrupted by a familiar voice.
“Are you even paying attention?” The killer turned toward the source of the voice, but he suddenly lurched over as he felt something slam into his stomach. The force was enough to make him lurch over, but he proved quick to recover and responded by using his left hand to deliver an uppercut to the chin. Normally a punch like this wouldn’t have been enough to faze Relius, but Gravity Seed’s influence on Kira’s hand had resulted in the blow carrying more strength to it. Upon impact, a resounding CRUNCH could be heard as several of the bones in Relius’ jaw cracked, causing him to stagger back. He proved quick to recover, however, and immediately checked his jaw. Upon bringing his hand to eye-level, he noticed his gloves were now coated with small drops of blood.
“Rather ingenious of you to manipulate my Gravity Seed’s heavier atmosphere like that.” He admitted as he dropped his arm back to his side. “Though a lucky shot like that won’t be enough to overpower me. I don’t suppose the same could be said of you, however.”
Once those words had left his opponent’s mouth, Kira’s eyes went wide with shock as he felt something suddenly knock him off his feet and send him crashing onto the ground back-first. Before the killer could attempt to move himself away from Relius, he was suddenly assaulted as a green-and-gold arm emerged from his opponent’s cloak, grabbing him by his suit coat and violently slamming him against the ground. As he felt his back make contact with the terrain, Yoshikage involuntarily opened his mouth, coughing up several flecks of blood. While his adversary struggled to push himself back up, Relius began preparing what would likely end up being his final attack.
“And now for the finale!” The former sage called out as he began conjuring magic energy between his cupped hands before quickly raising them into the air. Then, just as quickly as they had been brought into the air, the Mad Puppeteer slammed them into the ground. Much like before, a sea of golden cogs shot out from underground and began converging toward Kira’s current position.
As if sensing the approaching danger that was closing in on its master, Killer Queen suddenly deserted its current bout with Ignis and immediately reappeared before him. Immediately noticing the omnidirectional attack, the Stand’s response was to make the most of its B rank in speed as it threw out thousands of punches at faster-than-light speeds, each individual punch denting the gold wheels and knocking them further away. Three seconds later, the pink creature threw out one last punch, leaving yet another dent in the gear as it was sent hurtling across the forest. With the main threat dealt with, both the Stand and its user prepared to do battle with the masked sociopath, but their opponent proved to be faster than either one had expected.
“Dance, Ignis!” Once this command had left his mouth, Clover’s wife teleported in front of him and immediately threw out a jab to Killer Queen’s stomach. Just when it seemed that the clawed hand was about to make contact, the spirit suddenly brought its arm forward and effortlessly parried the shot. Not one to give up so easily, the robotic puppet threw out a straight punch, only for that to be countered as well.
Unperturbed by this, the Detonator continued to throw out a rapid series of punches and swipes, with each one being faster than the last. Unfortunately, the results would remain much of the same, as her target used its far superior speed to continually block or parry each oncoming shot with the utmost of ease. With each blocked strike, Ignis’ growing attack speed would only be rivaled by her anger. While it wasn’t obvious due to her lack of vocal chords, her frantic, intense body language was more than enough to convey her current emotional state. Eventually this anger would boil over, and with it her combo would finally end as she threw out three energy-enhanced uppercuts, each one striking the spirit in the chest before she drove her clawed hand up to its chin.
As the last punch made contact with Killer Queen’s face, Kira, feeling its pain, was suddenly launched into the air. Before he had even reached the apex of his ascension, Kira was suddenly slammed back into the ground as Ignis leapt through the air and brought both hands down, raking her claws against his back in the process. The salaryman’s impact happened immediately, with the force behind it causing him to let out a cry of pain as several gobs of blood shot from his throat.
[Stop music]
Yet in spite of the pain wracking his body, Yoshikage still chose to push himself back up, readying his Stand to attack.
“Give it a rest already.” Relius’ baritone voice called out to him. Turning toward its direction, Kira found himself staring at the scientist, whose expression seemed to be in a midpoint between mild irritation and smug superiority. “While your perseverance is rather intriguing, it won’t be enough to change the tides of victory in your favor. Ignis has already given you a proper drubbing, and given your… adequate intellect, I’m certain you can tell when you’ve been bested.”
“Bested?” Kira repeated, a smirk appearing on his face. “Clearly you haven’t been paying attention. While that ‘Ignis’ of yours was giving me a rather vicious beating, it doesn’t change the fact that I had already ensured my victory precisely one minute ago.”
“And what do you mean by that?” The Mad Puppeteer inquired. At first, the Japanese man’s response was to let his smirk grow wider, but after a few seconds he chose to speak once more.
“Earlier, when Killer Queen was fighting against your Ignis, one of the hits it landed was a palm strike to the chest meant to counter one of her claw-based attacks. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t notice it, but it doesn’t change the fact that my victory was secured thanks to that one, seemingly minute action.”
As these words sank in, Relius’ eyes widened ever so slightly at the realization of what his opponent had meant.
“You mean to tell me-“
“Yes.” The serial killer cut him off before finishing the thought. “Killer Queen has already touched your puppet.”
Once these words had left his mouth, Yoshikage pressed his thumb against his phalanx, activating the explosive he had primed within the Detonator. The eyes of both Ignis and her husband widened in visible shock/realization as various portions of her metal frame rapidly became swelled up and bloated, almost like someone was inflating her with a bike pump. Had she still possessed vocal cords, the puppeteer’s wife would have let out a pained scream of horror as the explosion finally took its toll on her.
After the split second in which this nightmarish sequence had taken place, a torrent of flame and smoke suddenly erupted out from Ignis’ body, consuming both herself and her husband in its blinding light. Then, just as quickly as it had appeared, the explosion vanished from sight to reveal the fate of its victims.
Ignis was nowhere to be seen, as the eruption had consumed her body and destroyed it at an atomic level. Not even her footprints had escaped this fate, as the dirt beneath her seemed to have lost any indentations from where she’d once stood. In short, it was as if Ignis Clover had never existed in the first place. The same could not be said for her husband, however.
Relius’ body had visibly taken the brunt of the explosion. His once fanciful clothing was now reduced to tattered rags, blood ran down his skin as old wounds found themselves reopened, and to top it off, he was now covered in several burns from the overwhelming heat that had been generated. The only part of him to survive with few injuries was his mask of all things, which remained intact barring the several small chunks that had been chipped away at. In addition to this, he had fallen onto one knee, visibly panting for breath. Unfortunately for the scientist, his already abysmal misfortune was only about to grow further as a familiar noise made itself known to his ears.
CLANKCLANKCLANKCLANKCLANK
The puppeteer’s eyes widened as he heard tank treads rapidly grind themselves against the terrain. Looking toward its direction, Relius prepared to use his Ars Magus to obstruct it once again, but his attempt would find itself interrupted as something smacked against the back of his leg, causing him to suddenly hit the ground. Upon looking down, Relius found that his leg was no longer there. It was almost as if it had vanished entirely!
Quickly putting this aside, the sage thrust his arm forward in an attempt to conjure up a spell, but at the same moment a rock tapped itself against his shoulder. At the moment of impact, he watched in surprise as his limb suddenly disappeared! With no way to properly defend himself, all Relius could do was look up and stare at the rapidly approaching form of Sheer Heart Attack.
‘That’s impossible! How could he have-‘ his thoughts were suddenly cut short as he realized something: Kira’s actions, ever since he had returned to the clearing, seemed to be almost tailor-made for one purpose: to buy time for Sheer Heart Attack to catch up to him. And given the current situation, it was safe to say that plan had succeeded.
As this realization came to him, Relius’ only response was to give a light smirk.
‘So you had planned this far ahead? Well played, my good man. Very well played.’ These were the last thoughts that ran through the puppeteer’s head before the automaton slammed itself into him.
[Stop music]
As the two collided, a massive explosion of fire and smoke burst out from Sheer Heart Attack, consuming both itself and its victim in their entirety. Three seconds later, the smoke began clearing up, and with it the fate of Relius Clover was revealed. Nothing remained of him, as the fire had consumed everything down to the last atomic particle. The only sign that he had once existed came in the form of a small stream of smoke emanating from the explosion’s epicenter, and even that proved quick to extinguish itself.
As he felt Sheer Heart Attack return to him, Kira couldn’t help but give a wide smirk.
“Heh. Luck is on the side of Yoshikage Kira.” The Stand user chuckled to himself as he made his way to the park’s exit.
Whoa, a Blazblue character actually lost one of my fights! I wasn’t aware the apocalypse was scheduled this early!
Okay, jokes aside, let’s talk about why Kira won this. Physically-speaking, Rellius took the edge in strength and durability by miles, as he’s been able to overpower several of the Six Heroes, who overpowered the planet-destroying Black Beast. By comparison, Kira would be Multi-City Block due to contending with the likes of Jotaro Kujo and Josuke Higashikata, who are both superior to Jolyne Cujoh.
But whereas Relius excelled in strength and durability, Kira had him beat in speed thanks to Killer Queen’s ability to contend with Stands that possessed A ranks in speed. One of the greatest examples of a Stand’s speed comes from when Jean Pierre Polnareff’s Silver Chariot intercepted the Hanged Man, which was calculated to be 365 times FTL. By comparison, Relius’ best feat comes from scaling him to Take-Mikazuchi’s laser, which could move at 9% the speed of light.
So both held their respective advantages by miles, meaning that Relius could easily one-shot him, but it would be nigh-impossible thanks to Killer Queen giving Kira a massive speed advantage. So before we get to why Kira won this surprisingly long fight, let’s talk about the non-physical stats.
In terms of intellect, both are roughly even due to their cunning, pragmatism, and scheming natures; but Relius easily held the advantage in experience due to being older and having a history of fighting others. His arsenal was also larger, mainly because Kira’s was relatively non-existent.
Then there’s the issue of their powersets. On one hand, Relius easily held an advantage in variety. His enhanced senses and ability to see the souls of others could let him see the normally invisible Killer Queen (as well as get an idea of its powers), he could open holes in space-time to remove Yoshikage from the battlefield, warp reality to his whim by inducing Phenomenon Intervention, stop time, and induce fear and paralysis. In theory, these abilities could net him the win, but there are several problems with this notion. The first problem is that it’s not in-character for him to use them, as his extreme arrogance prevents that. There’s also the issue that he’s never shown using these in combat, as each time he’s shown them it’s always been after a fight’s definitively finished. Finally, even if we both ignore the first two points, the chances of him using them are nigh-impossible due to a combination of the massive speed gap and Kira’s own powers.
For starters, there’s the fact that Killer Queen’s first bomb would actually be enough to kill Relius in one shot. While Relius is skilled enough to resist transmutation, that doesn’t mean much considering that Kira could still use its ability on Ignis or any other object (including Relius’ arsenal) and detonate them once they’re close enough to the scientist. Even if we ignore the first bomb, Yoshikage could still play it safe from a distance by deploying Sheer Heart Attack or Stray Cat. And while it didn’t show up in the fight, Bites the Dust would be enough to give Kira the win since Relius has no way to counter it.
In short, Relius had the edge in strength, durability, and experience, possessed a larger variety of powers, and was comparable in intellect; but Kira just barely took the match thanks to his superior speed, better long-range options, and more effective hax.
Relius had a chance at victory, but in the end it blew up in his face.
The winner is Yoshikage Kira.
Yoshikage Kira (Winner) + Faster by miles, to the point where Relius and Ignis wouldn’t be able to hit him or Killer Queen + Killer Queen’s first bomb could bypass the durability of both Relius and Ignis, in addition to one-shotting them + Sheer Heart Attack and Stray Cat gave him better long-range options + Bites the Dust was basically an instant win button + More willing to use his hax = Intelligence – Far outclassed in strength and durability, which would grow worse with Unlimited Relius – Less experienced – Smaller arsenal + Though the first bomb could nullify this disadvantage by transmuting Relius’ weaponry – Smaller variety of powers + But Relius’ refusal to use his haxxier abilities mean this wouldn’t matter in the long run
Relius Clover (Loser) + Both he and Ignis heavily outclassed Kira and Killer Queen in strength and durability + Unlimited Mode furthers this gap + More experienced + Larger arsenal + Would be able to see Killer Queen thanks to his enhanced senses and ability to see others’ souls + Ability to resist transmutation meant Killer Queen’s first bomb would be rendered moot if used on him + Larger variety of powers – But it’s not in-character for him to use the haxxier ones in a fight = Intelligence – Far slower + Though Unlimited Mode slightly lessens the gap – Killer Queen’s first bomb could still affect Ignis and his arsenal – Inferior long-range options – Had no way to counter Bites the Dust – Refusal to use his hax in combat would royally screw him over – Even if he tried to use them, Killer Queen would blitz and one-shot him before he could
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Brendan’s Versus Battles 
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