As children, we are often taught the usual lessons in life: Eat your vegetables to grow stronger and healthier, you can do anything if you put your mind to it, and cheaters never win. As we grow older, however, we see the truth: a diet of vegetables won’t do jack to your fitness without proper exercise, reality and society limit our ability to act out what we truly desire in life (be it getting a job you want or buying an expensive car), and that people who lie and cheat will sometimes be more successful than you’ll ever be. And these two fighters have been able to prove that last point in spades.
Joseph Joestar, the main protagonist of Battle Tendency and 2nd JoJo in the Joestar bloodline.
And Mr. Satan, long-time champion of the World Martial Arts Tournament.
I’m Br3ndan5, and I’ll be analyzing their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
Thanks to Mr-Pepsi-and-Pizza for the Hercule bio.
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Joseph Joestar
Aliases: JoJo
Age: 18
Height: 6’5
Weight: 213 lbs
Occupation: Hamon Master
First Appearance: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure – Chapter 45: Joseph Joestar of New York, Part 1 (November 2, 1987)
Themes:
Feats:
-Using a bottle of Coca-Cola and Hamon, took out two corrupt police officers
-Defeated the newly vampirized Straizo using a Tommy gun, grenades, and a shot glass
-Attempted to infiltrate a Nazi base by disguising himself as a woman
-But he was quickly seen through
-Within the span of a month, became a skilled Hamon user after training with his mother Lisa Lisa
-Despite being starved and dehydrated, still managed to climb the 24 meter tall Hell Climb Pillar, which had previously claimed the lives of multiple Hamon trainees
-Defeated the Pillar Men by using a combination of his intelligence, Hamon, and self-admitted luck
–This is impressive, considering that the Pillar Men had a history of killing Hamon users, to the point where they weren’t even fazed upon hearing that Joseph could use it
–-In fact, prior to their fight, Esidisi had already killed one of the few remaining Hamon users
-Defeated the Ultimate Lifeform Kars by slamming him into a volcano and using the Red Stone of Aja to cause an eruption that launched both himself and the Pillar Man into space
-Survived the resulting fall from the stratosphere and into the ocean
-Crashed his own funeral
-Caused two plane crashes
Born on September 27, 1920 to George Joestar II and Elizabeth, Joseph’s life was not a happy one. His father had been enlisted into the army to serve as a pilot during the first World War, leaving Elizabeth to care for Joseph by herself. Unfortunately, George would never return home, as during his service he discovered that one of his superior officers was actually a zombie created by the Joestar family’s arch-nemesis, Dio Brando. In an attempt to end the last remnants of Dio’s bloody rivalry with his bloodline, George attempted to kill the undead creature using the art of Hamon, but he would realize too late that he was not properly trained.
Seeking vengeance for her husband’s demise, Elizabeth tracked down the zombified officer and used her own Hamon to burn him to death. Unfortunately, she would be discovered by an officer, leading her to becoming a fugitive and forcing her to flee the country. In an attempt to prevent him from being in the same situation as his parents, Joseph would be told by both his grandmother Erina and the Joestar family friend/honorary uncle Robert E. O. Speedwagon that they had died during the war.
Years would go by, with Joseph showing exceptional usage of Hamon and often combining it with his natural wit and intellect to produce complex strategies designed to outwit his opponents. While accompanying Erina on a trip to New York, Joseph would encounter Smokey Brown, a young black man and infamous pickpocket, who he would later befriend after protecting him from a group of racist cops. During their trip, Joseph would learn from a mafioso that Speedwagon had been reported dead during an expedition in Mexico, infuriating him due to the man’s carelessness when describing it to Erina. Later that night, Joseph would find himself attacked by Straizo, an old friend of his grandfather’s who had turned himself into a vampire and was responsible for Speedwagon’s supposed death. Furious, Joseph attacked Straizo, ultimately prevailing by using a Tommy gun, 10 grenades, and a shot glass to end the vampire’s threat. Before he died, however, Straizo revealed to Joseph that Speedwagon was still alive, leading the Joestar to travel to Mexico.
While there, Joseph learned from an assassin that the Nazis had taken Speedwagon hostage and were trying to use his knowledge to awaken an ancient being called a Pillar Man. Joseph would then sneak into the base, albeit after an unsuccessful attempt at disguising himself as a woman, and confront Santana, the creature that the Nazis had awakened. After an extremely difficult fight, Joseph would eventually triumph over Santana by using the Pillar Man’s weakness to sunlight against him and free Speedwagon from his imprisonment. Unfortunately, his journey wasn’t done yet, as he would later discover that the Nazis had unearthed three more Pillar Men, all of them set to awaken at any time. In an attempt to stop this, Joseph would team up with Caesar Zeppeli, a fellow Hamon user and descendant of Will A. Zeppeli, and together they would begin training under Lisa Lisa, a Hamon master who would later reveal herself to be his mother.
Strength:
-Should be City Block Level due to trading blows with the Pillar Men, who are above Phantom Blood Dio
-Phantom Blood Dio was durable enough to survive the explosion of a cruise ship
-Shoved his fist into a police officer’s nose with enough force that he ripped through it, removing several teeth in the process
-Using a Tommy gun as a bludgeon, knocked the vampire Straizo through a window
-Broke the noses of two Nazi guards with a kick
-Managed to climb the infamous Hell Climb Pillar despite spending the entire trek (which lasted 61 hours and 9 minutes) without any food, water, or rest
-Can hold himself up with only two fingers
-Tore Santana in half
-Poked through Esidisi’s hand
-Chopped through one of Kars’ bone blades with his bare hands
-Kept Lisa Lisa from falling to her death by holding onto her
-Can be further boosted by his Hamon (See “Powers and Abilities” below)
Agility:
-Tends to perform acrobatics on a daily basis
-Performed an aerial cartwheel to escape Esidisi’s grip
-Pole-vaulted to avoid being crushed by Wamuu’s chariot
-Somersaulted while sliding under a wave of oil
-Has performed corde lisse tricks against Kars
Speed:
-Faster than Light to Faster than Light+, as he could avoid this laser from the Red Stone of Aja and was able to keep up with Kars, who can react to a beam of ultraviolet light
-Fired off a Hamon-infused bottle cap in the time it took for a cop to pull the trigger on his gun
-Intercepted a punch from a mafia henchman and placed a coat hanger in his place
-Avoided Straizo’s Space Ripper Stingy Eyes, which can move at Hypersonic speeds
-Stuck 12 grenades onto Straizo’s scarf without him noticing
-Caught a falling war hammer using the ring on his finger
Durability:
-City Block Level via scaling to his strength
-Shrugged off being shot in the shoulder by Straizo’s Space Ripper Stingy Eyes
-Shrugged off being stabbed by multiple cactus needles
-Allowed himself to be absorbed by Santana
-Santana’s a Pillar Man, whose cells secrete a digestive acid that dissolves whatever it touches down to a cellular level
-Was thrown by Santana into the metal ceiling of a Nazi lab hard enough to dent it
-Shrugged off being stabbed through the hand
-Came out unscathed after being caught near the explosion of a stick grenade
-Took Caesar Zeppeli’s Bubble Launcher to the face
-Survived having his wrist slit by Wamuu
-Took a metal crossbow ball to the side
-Shrugged off a weakened Divine Sandstorm
-Even when weakened, Divine Sandstorm is still extremely destructive
-Was slammed into a stone wall by Wamuu’s severed hands with enough force to crack it
-Took part of Wamuu’s Atmospheric Rift attack
-Piloted a German warplane at over 200 mph and was unaffected by the harsh winds
-Was repeatedly bitten by multiple piranhas
-Fell out of the aforementioned plane while it was still in flight
-The only reason he wasn’t crippled was because Stroheim broke his fall
-Stood inside of an erupting volcano
-Endured burns from Kars’ powered-up Hamon, which is said to be as hot as the Sun
-Was launched into the upper atmosphere by an erupting volcano
-Survived a fall from the upper atmosphere all the way down to the ocean
-Keep in mind he was trapped on a rock while this was occurring, meaning he should’ve died on impact
–In addition to this, he had been willing to die at that point, but something inside of him activated at the last second, pushing him to keep going
Stamina:
-Spent the entirety of his test on the Hell Climb Pillar (which lasted 61 hours and 9 minutes) without any food, water, or rest
-Managed to take on Wamuu despite bleeding out from the wrist
-Kept fighting despite massive amounts of blood loss from having his arm amputated
Intelligence:
-Joseph’s most defining trait
-Is easily one of the most intelligent characters in the franchise, to the point where he’s been able to defeat physically superior or more experienced opponents through craftiness alone
-Can deduce even the most minute details on someone just by a simple glance
Skills:
Cunning and Clever:
-Constantly analyzes his opponent both in and out of battle
-Is able to improvise weaponry and exploit the environment to his advantage
-Was able to outwit the Pillar Men, who are over a millennia old and possess great intelligence
-Defeated Santana by tricking him into falling into a well and holding him above the water long enough for the Sun to rise
-Defeated Esidesi, who matched him in intellect and craftiness, by using a rope trick to distract him and forcing Hamon into the Pillar Man’s body
-Sabotaged Wamuu’s chariot by placing rubble under its wheels while he and the audience were distracted
-Beat Wamuu in a chariot race by channeling Hamon into the reigns, destroying the Pillar Man’s arms, and followed it up by throwing a bottle of oil and a Hamon-charged, burning headband at him
Dirty Fighting:
-Willing to use anything he can to win a fight, no matter how underhanded it is
-Will even feign cowardice or play dead if it means he can gain an advantage
Expert Motorcyclist:
-Can expertly drive a motorcycle
Expert Pilot:
-Despite having no prior training, he was able to pilot military aircraft with ease
Personality:
-Is hotheaded, impetuous, and confrontational
-Aside from his grandmother Erina and his mother Lisa Lisa, he holds no respect toward any authority figures, being willing to threaten policemen and mafioso alike
-Enjoys taunting his enemies in order to aggravate them
-Enjoys outsmarting his opponents with his schemes
-Believes anything is fair game in a fight, provided one isn’t needlessly cruel
-Has a tendency to flirt with women, often commenting on their voluptuousness and good looks
-Will become pissed-off if his intelligence is insulted in any way
-Is a huge fan of Superman comics
Weapons and Equipment:
Grenades:
-Used 10 of them to blow Straizo to kingdom come
Tommy Gun:
-Used to riddle Straizo with bullets
-If emptied, Joseph can charge it with Hamon and use it as a bludgeon
Motorcycle:
-Should be able to go at about 200 mph
-Can use it to run people over
Clackers:
-A pair of metal spheres held together by a string
-Can be used as makeshift nunchucks, bolas, or a bludgeon
-Can increase their strength by conducting Hamon through them
-Used in conjunction with his Hamon to pull off the Clacker Volley technique (See “Techniques” below)
Wool Hat:
-Used against Esidesi by unraveling it and using its strings to form a net
-Can conduct Hamon into it to weaken his captive
Sledgehammer:
-Used during the chariot race against Wamuu
-Was slathered in oil to make it conduct Hamon, further boosting its striking power
Crossbow:
-An ancient, heavy crossbow used while fighting Wamuu
-Drawstring is extremely difficult to pull back and possesses heavy recoil
-Can increase the power of its iron balls by charging them with Hamon
Red Stone of Aja:
-A rare, perfect gemstone that was passed down from a Roman emperor to several warriors before ending up in the possession of Lisa Lisa
-Can absorb light or Hamon and refract it a billion times, firing it in the form of a powerful laser
-When used by Kars, his Hamon, which is far above Joseph’s, managed to trigger a volcanic eruption that sent him into space
Prosthetic Hand:
-Built by German scientists as thanks for stopping the Pillar Men
-Replaced Joseph’s left hand after it had been amputated by Kars
-Likely stronger than his normal hand due to being made of metal
Anything he can get his hands on:
-Thanks to his craftiness, Joseph’s been able to use things like mirrors, shot glasses, hair, a well, pasta, pigeons, icicles, pebbles, volcanoes, and even an airplane to gain the upper hand in a fight
Powers and Abilities:
Hamon:
-Also called Ripple or Sendo
-An ancient martial art that uses proper breathing to emulate sunlight, allowing the user to further their physicality and senses
-Joseph’s senses are skilled enough that he can hear Donovan, who’s so quiet that not even bats can locate him
-Can use it to heal others or himself
-Jonathan, Joseph’s grandfather and a fellow Hamon user, managed to use it repair his broken neck and eject poison from his body
-Can be conducted through water and metal, with earth and fire serving as gray lines
-Is able to use it to walk on water or other surfaces that are difficult to walk on (like spikes)
-Once used it to slide up a river of highly-pressurized oil
-While it’s meant to be used against the Pillar Men and the undead, it can also be used against living beings
-By focusing it into living beings, Joseph can bypass their durability and knock them out just by touching them
-Has incorporated its use into many different techniques (See “Techniques” below)
Techniques:
Prediction:
-Is able to accurately predict his opponent’s next words before they even say it
-Done to intimidate his opponent and make their actions more predictable
Overdrive:
-Joseph focuses Hamon through an object, either infusing it into said object for greater power or sending it out to strike at whatever’s on the other end
Hamon Hair Attack:
-Joseph focuses Hamon into strands of hair, making them hard enough to block incoming projectiles
-If he has enough strands, he can use this attack to create a barrier that’s strong enough to block bullets
Rebuff Overdrive:
-Joseph charges Hamon into his elbows before delivering powerful strikes to his opponent
Hamon Overdrive:
-Joseph channels Hamon into his arm and delivers a powerful chop, slowly transferring the energy into whatever was struck until it explodes
Zoom Punch:
-Joseph throws his arm forward, using Hamon to stretch the joints and make it extend
-While using this move, the Hamon dulls the pain of his joints breaking
Clacker Volley:
-Joseph hurls a pair of Hamon-charged clackers at his opponent
-Can throw them from behind his back, allowing them to ricochet off of other surfaces before hitting their target
Clacker Boomerang:
-Joseph throws out two pairs of clackers into a beam or pillar behind the opponent, with one side of the first clacker lodging itself into the partition while the other side grabs onto the second pair. After a few seconds, the second pair of clackers will be launched back, hitting the opponent from behind
Near Death Survival Technique:
-Joseph willingly puts his own life in danger in order to push himself past his own limits
-In actuality, it’s just meant to distract his opponent while he comes up with another plan
The Joestar Secret Technique:
-According to Joseph, this technique has been passed down the Joestar family line for generations
-Joseph’s legs tense up for a brief moment before he takes off running at top speed
-In actuality, this is just meant to stall for time while he tries to think up another plan, keeping a close eye on his surroundings for anything he can use to win
–He can also use this to lure his opponent away from others
-Meant as a last resort should his other attacks fail
Weaknesses:
-His strategies are a huge gamble as to whether or not they’ll work
-Has a tendency to be reckless and cocky
-Is easily angered
-Can start panicking if his opponent manages to match him in intellect and strategy
-Hamon requires proper breathing in order to be maintained
(“What did you say? Depending on your answer, I may have to kick your ass!”)
Mark “Hercule” Satan
Aliases: Mr. Savage, Enfer, Master Handsome, The World’s Champion, The Champion of the Universe
Height: 6’2
Weight: 208 lbs
Occupation: Martial Artist, Wrestler, Martial Arts Teacher, Actor
First Appearance: Dragon Ball Z: Volume 33, Chapter 393 (October 6, 1992)
Theme:
Feats:
-Became the Number One Martial Artist in the World
-The world’s go-to guy for alien attacks
-By human standards, is amazingly powerful
-Was close to saving the world from Buu and didn’t even use violence
-His near-death experience is the entire reason the Buu saga continued
-Has lied to the world about beating Cell and Buu for years
-It was thanks to him that Goku successfully used the Spirit Bomb on Buu
In the world of Dragon Ball, there are none more revered and admired by the people than the legendary martial artist known as Mr. Satan. But before he was the savior of the people, he was only known as Mark, a student of the “Satan Castle” dojo. Through a combination of his own strength and insanely good luck, Mark would eventually rise through its ranks and become the world champion of martial arts, taking on the name of his old dojo as a way of honoring it and so he could look better for the cameras.
This streak of good luck would nearly come to an end, however, when he and his master went out for a drink and wound up making fun of one guy’s hair. As it turned out, the man they’d been making fun of was the infamous Mercenary Tao, who proceeded to teach them a lesson by grievously injuring Mr. Satan and killing his master before his eyes. From that day forward, Mr. Satan swore that he would never fight someone who had a secret identity or seemed insanely strong…
…at least until a few years later, when the bio-android Cell announced to the world that he was organizing a fighting tournament and that the planet’s existence was on the line. After hearing this announcement, Hercule made his own, telling the people that he planned to challenge Cell directly. Days later, the tournament would begin, and Mr. Satan would be the first to stand up against the green-shelled threat…
As well as the first to fall. Despite this, he somehow managed to survive the events of the tournament, ultimately claiming victory and telling the entire world that he had beaten Cell single-handedly since no one else was around to witness what had actually happened. Fortunately for him, the populace proved to be easily fooled, and Mr. Satan would eventually grow to become the world’s hottest celebrity and go-to hero whenever Earth was in danger, always boosting his reputation further by taking credit for the other heroes’ work.
Physicality:
Strength:
-By human standards, is amazing
-Pulled 4 buses behind him with no support
-Punched through one of the aforementioned buses
-Ripped three giant phone books in half
-Kicked pre-transformation Spopovich across and out of an arena with one shot
-Broke twelve stone slabs in one chop
Speed and Agility:
-His reflexes and punching speed are above-average
-Was able to jump over Spopovich
-Before being shot in the Buu Saga, he managed to move fast enough to disappear from view
Durability:
-Survived being backhanded by Cell into a mountain, which he then fell down
-Was punched “gently” by Kid Trunks, launching him across the field and into a brick wall
-He still managed to get up, and put it off as him faking that loss
-While in a staged “fight” against Android 18, remained conscious after she lightly tapped him on the head
-Keep in mind that even her weakest slaps still have impressive striking strength behind them, as shown when she tested her strength with the same machine that Hercule himself used
-While trying to drink a bottle of beer in a empty saloon, survived a shockwave from a distant explosion that leveled the building he was in at the moment
Skills and Abilities:
Martial Arts:
-Trained for years
-Not counting any of the Z-Fighters, is the top martial artist on earth
-Can even fight in the air while using his jet pack
Luck:
-His survival and some of his achievements are due to his insane luck
-These include:
-Cell holding back during his backhand
-Kid Buu holding back his first attack
-Fat Buu saving him just as Kid Buu was about to kill him
Lies and Bribery:
-Good at escaping serious danger with the use of lies
-His stomach hurting, for example
-He’ll also try to bribe his opponent with riches in an attempt to convince them to throw the fight
Techniques:
Dynamite Kick:
-One of Hercule’s signature moves
-Probably very effective against humans, though it does barely anything to superhumans
Satan Punch/Megaton Punch:
-Another of his signature moves
King of Dreamers:
-Hits the opponent with several kicks and punches, then throws them behind himself
Dynamic Mess ‘Em Up Punch:
-Punches the opponent several times, then finishes with a final punch
Rolling Hercule Punch:
-Hercule rolls toward the opponent before hitting them with a powerful punch
Jetpack:
-Allows Hercule to fly at high speeds, and even puts him on par with some other DBZ characters in speed
-Can also produce a large short-range blast of fire
45 Calibur Gun:
-Nothing special about it, it’s just a gun
Game Boy Bomb:
-A Game Boy which also doubles as a remote-controlled explosion
Rocks:
-Will use rocks as projectiles
Mortar:
-A large and powerful explosive
-Has the off chance of exploding in front of him
Grenades:
-Regular grenades
Bazooka:
-Just a regular bazooka that Hercule carries around
Rocket Launcher:
-Fires up to four rockets
Weaknesses:
-Compared to other DBZ characters, is pathetic
-Has no ki-based combat skills
-Terrified of superhumans and ki users
-Usually only resorts to firearms and explosives against extremely powerful foes
-Is still human and can be killed by regular means
-Getting shot for example
(“Cell, you see these pieces of busted tile on the ground? Heh, heh! Well, that’s what I’m gonna do… to your face!”)
Brendan’s Versus Battles 